How long did it take you to stop hating someone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is long.

My father is 94 and has dementia, which was diagnosed about 10 years ago. My parents divorced almost 40 years ago and my father remarried 20 years ago. For some reason, from the first time I met my dad's wife, she has disliked me. She has attempted to cut my father out of my life. The following are the most painful attempts:

1. Growing up, I was daddy's little girl. For 30 years, from the time my parents divorced, my father visited me frequently and called me at least once a week. All of that stopped 10 years ago when he no longer was able to make his own decisions. My father and his wife lived in Colorado. Her children lived in San Diego. She would often go see her children and take him with her. But when I would beg her to come visit me and my dad's only grandchildren, she would say it was too difficult to travel with him. Then in the next breath, she would tell me how they were going on a two week cruise to Europe. Just last week she bold faced lied to me. She told me the reason why my dad never visited me was because he wanted to travel to vacation spots and chose to do those trips instead of visit me.

2. My dad is a retired Air Force officer. Several years ago he was selected for an Honor Trip to DC. His wife NEVER told me. They came to DC for a week and I had NO IDEA they were in town. My father had not been to see me in two years, hadn't seen his grandchildren in four, and he was less than 10 miles away for a week. When I found out I screamed at her on the phone. She didn't even apologize, just said that since it wasn't her trip, she couldn't tell me about it. I realize they couldn't come to my house, but I would have been able to meet them at the Lincoln Memorial and walked around with them.

3. Her children live in San Diego and they finally convinced her to move to San Diego. I know she needs the help with my dad. She didn't tell me she was moving until about two weeks before they moved - they had purchased a condo several months prior and had sold their place in Colorado. When my brother and I tried to get their new phone number, she wouldn't give it to us. We finally had to get her son involved.

4. I went to visit them about a month after they got to San Diego. I was there a week. I met her daughter and told her I was afraid my father would pass away and I would get a letter from his wife a month after the fact (I'm totally serious.) Her daughter assured me she'd keep me posted. About a week after my trip, her son sent me a text telling me my father had been put into a memory care home. I don't disagree that he needs to be in the home and it is her decision. But the fact that she didn't say anything to me while I was there, or suggest I tour the place with her, was "unforgivable."

I have never seen her mistreat my dad. Quite the opposite, she is doting and takes very good care of him. It took their move to California for me to not hate her anymore. I realized that if I'm nice to her, she will give me bits and pieces of information about my dad. She sends me emails and photos of him or will call me. If I don't email or call her occasionally, she will send me a nasty email telling me how I don't care about family. I actually feel better when I do something nice for her whereas before, I would just be angry and couldn't sleep. So for me, the energy I was spending hating her was really eating at me and making me more miserable.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Something similar happened to my dad. His step-mom cut him out of their lives. My dad didn't find out that his father died for three months after his death. My dad, who lives far away from his father, had been trying to find his dad. He called his nursing home many times and actually involved the police before he was finally told that his dad was dead. His step-mom didn't apologize, just said that she didn't see why it's such a big deal. She is a nasty, mean person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is long.

My father is 94 and has dementia, which was diagnosed about 10 years ago. My parents divorced almost 40 years ago and my father remarried 20 years ago. For some reason, from the first time I met my dad's wife, she has disliked me. She has attempted to cut my father out of my life. The following are the most painful attempts:

1. Growing up, I was daddy's little girl. For 30 years, from the time my parents divorced, my father visited me frequently and called me at least once a week. All of that stopped 10 years ago when he no longer was able to make his own decisions. My father and his wife lived in Colorado. Her children lived in San Diego. She would often go see her children and take him with her. But when I would beg her to come visit me and my dad's only grandchildren, she would say it was too difficult to travel with him. Then in the next breath, she would tell me how they were going on a two week cruise to Europe. Just last week she bold faced lied to me. She told me the reason why my dad never visited me was because he wanted to travel to vacation spots and chose to do those trips instead of visit me.

2. My dad is a retired Air Force officer. Several years ago he was selected for an Honor Trip to DC. His wife NEVER told me. They came to DC for a week and I had NO IDEA they were in town. My father had not been to see me in two years, hadn't seen his grandchildren in four, and he was less than 10 miles away for a week. When I found out I screamed at her on the phone. She didn't even apologize, just said that since it wasn't her trip, she couldn't tell me about it. I realize they couldn't come to my house, but I would have been able to meet them at the Lincoln Memorial and walked around with them.

3. Her children live in San Diego and they finally convinced her to move to San Diego. I know she needs the help with my dad. She didn't tell me she was moving until about two weeks before they moved - they had purchased a condo several months prior and had sold their place in Colorado. When my brother and I tried to get their new phone number, she wouldn't give it to us. We finally had to get her son involved.

4. I went to visit them about a month after they got to San Diego. I was there a week. I met her daughter and told her I was afraid my father would pass away and I would get a letter from his wife a month after the fact (I'm totally serious.) Her daughter assured me she'd keep me posted. About a week after my trip, her son sent me a text telling me my father had been put into a memory care home. I don't disagree that he needs to be in the home and it is her decision. But the fact that she didn't say anything to me while I was there, or suggest I tour the place with her, was "unforgivable."

I have never seen her mistreat my dad. Quite the opposite, she is doting and takes very good care of him. It took their move to California for me to not hate her anymore. I realized that if I'm nice to her, she will give me bits and pieces of information about my dad. She sends me emails and photos of him or will call me. If I don't email or call her occasionally, she will send me a nasty email telling me how I don't care about family. I actually feel better when I do something nice for her whereas before, I would just be angry and couldn't sleep. So for me, the energy I was spending hating her was really eating at me and making me more miserable.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Something similar happened to my dad. His step-mom cut him out of their lives. My dad didn't find out that his father died for three months after his death. My dad, who lives far away from his father, had been trying to find his dad. He called his nursing home many times and actually involved the police before he was finally told that his dad was dead. His step-mom didn't apologize, just said that she didn't see why it's such a big deal. She is a nasty, mean person.

NP. WTH?! What is WRONG with people!

[Anonymous]

I hate a woman I worked with. I still fantasize about leaving dog poop under her door handles. She acted as nasty as anyone I've ever known. We occasionally cross at events, as we're in the same industry. We ignore each other but I really want to spill something on her.

[Anonymous]

I am working on letting go and not hating a former boss. Some days I am okay and all forgiving and others I wish her death. I am still working on it. But I do hate her today.

[Anonymous]

I went to therapy for a rape. Of course I hated the person. The doc recommended retell retell retell (to self or therapist) each time lowered the hate/ PTSD. I will never forgive — that’s not happening— but I can become slowly indifferent and place the memories away. The rapist neither deserves my forgiveness or a place in my mind to revisit and cause hurt again. It took a long time but years go by without a thought. OP I’m sorry your friend hurt you.

[Anonymous]

When I learned that the opposite of life is not hate, but apathy. Sh!t people do not deserve to live rent free in my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate a woman I worked with. I still fantasize about leaving dog poop under her door handles. She acted as nasty as anyone I've ever known. We occasionally cross at events, as we're in the same industry. We ignore each other but I really want to spill something on her.

I have a friend, who, whenever I mention the name of the person who wronged me in a serious way, will repeat her name and add "that whore." She's not a whore and it's just said in solidarity, but it always makes me laugh. And humor helps. In this case, if I say, (not her real name), "I saw Katy Hell today," my friend will say, "I can't believe you saw Katy Hell that whore!" Try it, it's therapeutic. Choose whatever insult makes you laugh. Over time I stopped caring anyway because I don't respect her, and I find that contempt is a great antidote for hate. When you feel disgust for someone, and contempt, and think they're a bad person, it kind of crowds out the hate.

[Anonymous]

Literally never! I have people I have hated so long I forget why I hate them, I only know that I do and forever! I like it. Keeps me sharp.

[Anonymous]

Pray for them. It will help you to forgive the bad behavior so that you can release the heaviness in your heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to therapy for a rape. Of course I hated the person. The doc recommended retell retell retell (to self or therapist) each time lowered the hate/ PTSD. I will never forgive — that’s not happening— but I can become slowly indifferent and place the memories away. The rapist neither deserves my forgiveness or a place in my mind to revisit and cause hurt again. It took a long time but years go by without a thought. OP I’m sorry your friend hurt you.

God, I am so sorry you went through that! You are a very strong person.

[Anonymous]

If you no longer wish bad things to the person who wronged you and don't feel the same strong emotions when you think about what they did, but you still don't want them in your life.. does it mean you forgave them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you no longer wish bad things to the person who wronged you and don't feel the same strong emotions when you think about what they did, but you still don't want them in your life.. does it mean you forgave them?

it means you’ve moved on. Give it whatever name you want.

[Anonymous]

I am in it with a former friend right now and I pray for her every day - and every night so far the intense hate comes back. It’s only been a month but it’s definitely a process.

Hugs to you, OP. Seeing how long this thread is should make you feel less alone. So many have been there with someone you thought was a true friend. It’s a betrayal on the highest order.