Guys: can you fall in love with your wife again?

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier that he is having an affair.

If he weren't, then YES, he can fall in love with you again. My own DH and I went through a rough patch while one of our kids was having health issues. We weren't fighting or anything - it was just blah. I didn't feel love or hate - just indifference.

So I started doing little things for my DH to make me affection again. Stupid things, like notes or making his favorite cookies - things like that. He started to reciprocate with things he knew I valued - like scraping the ice off my car. We engaged in loving actions, and that led back to loving feelings. Remember that love isn't a feeling; it's a verb.

But that doesn't help OP. Her DH is having an affair, and this advice really won't work for her. You cannot do this once the person is in love with someone else, and it is probably counterproductive. My sister thought she could just be the best wife ever, and her DH would stop having his affair. That was wrong, and she made herself a doormat for a man who left her. Don't make that mistake.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice. All of it. The good, the bad, and the stuff that I didn't want to hear but needed to. I'm so confused because he is being sooo nice to me. Helping with things around the house. Being supportive. Not gonna lie it feels pretty good...I still love him and I'm still attracted to him. I don't want to dismiss his good behavior by being cold. I don't want him to think I've changed my mind about still wanting this to work. But I'm also cautious that he could be behaving out of guilt...

I am also doing this: subtle but uplifting changes to make ME feel better about ME. I made an appointment to get side bangs...I'm going to boost my eyelashes (very subtle, not slutty)...I'm going to whiten my teeth again...I pulled out my favorite bottle of perfume...and I am going to work on my inner self by running again which always helped clear my mind. I'm going to reach out to my girlfriends to meet up for lunch. I'm going to keep being silly, I'm going to continue to be outgoing, and most importantly I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to be what I want my daughters to be: strong. positive. fearless. My heart is hurting and it's not going to be easy, but I am going to make that happen. For ME.

We have that counseling appointment coming up. I still have hope that it might work out. I'm still going to try. If he falls in love with me again, that would be amazing and I would receive it as a gift. But if not, and he decides to blow this up, I'm going to be OK...and hopefully there's some wonderful man out there who would think I'm pretty great.

[Anonymous]

I’m thinking of you OP! All the things you mention sound healthy and things we should all be doing.

Because you said he said “ I don’t love you anymore “ and now you said he’s being so nice, what do you think he wants right now? A friendly parenting partnership or re- establish intimacy? I just think that would be so hard to do after him saying the love is gone but then if you don’t just one more reason to go elsewhere.

I hope the counseling is soon and helpful. Wishing you only the best.

[Anonymous]

There is ALWSYS another woman when a man says this. Always. What it means is "I don't have the butterfly feelings of new infatuation with you anymore, and I miss feeling that so I'm gonna go with the person that makes me feel that way."

He's also going to recreate history and say he was never in love with you, that you were never happy.

Don't humiliate yourself by initiating counseling. He's the one who wants out. If he wants to save things, he's got fingers and a phone. If I could go back in time and relive the days after my ex said those words to me, I'd respond with "I'm sorry you feel that way. What are you going to do about it?"

Don't take responsibility for the bad behaviors of any man, ever. This isn't your responaibility to fix. Yes, you can let him know you are all in if he wants to work on it, but he MUST drive the bus. Otherwise he's just trying to make himself feel better about what he already knows will be the outcome.