Guys: can you fall in love with your wife again?

[Anonymous]

Yes, if he thinks you’re cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Theoretical guys can. Yours won't.

He's told you that the drama of your relationship took it out of him. He knows that there would be more downs even after a possible up and he's not going there.

Looking hot won't change this. It's happening because either:
A) life with you is drama he can't take anymore (so please go explore that);
B) he's kind of mature or unrealistic and doesn't understand that it's not all roses all of the time (and he should go to counseling); or
C) your relationship with each other is unhealthy and he knows it.

Counseling will be a great way to explore this, but it's more likely to help pave your paths to your separate futures than to make him fall for you again.

And he's probably seeing someone.

How do you know the OP is drama??

The drama is more like kids were little and I worked full time (still do) and at times the focus was more on them than him. I was overwhelmed at times with all the house and kid responsibilities but looking back I should have paid more attention to him. So part of this is my fault.

OP, it is ridiculous that you are having to feel guilty for working full time, supporting your family, and being a dedicated mother. And now man baby is feeling neglected and waaaahhh! I don't feel love anymore!

Tell him you agree that things are not great and some things need to change. Start taking time for the two of you to connect and see if you can re kindle. Marriage takes work and I get it, your focus has HAD to be elsewhere for however long.

Otherwise he is going to end up like my ex husband. We were exactly where you are, got divorced while my kids were still little. Now he misses me and is always giving me the misty moon eyes every time I see him. I know he misses his family, His great kids, his beautiful home, and his wife who still looks damn good. Dating hasn't turned out to be all that he had hoped. He had one OK relationship for a while that broke up - now he's back living in his mother's basement! At age 50!

The grass is always greener, your husband will regret it if he blows up his family because of these mid-marriage duldrums. Go to a counselor and see if you can fix this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Yes. Yes.

But from the comments above it sounds like it’s over. I’m trying to wrap my head around it so when he tells me it’s over officially I’m more emotionally prepared.

First time in my life I have felt undesirable. No doubt I brought some of this on myself but it still really sucks. I wish I could fix it. I would love for him to want me again.

Please don't focus on your ego, here, OP.

You need to create an honest space for him to share with you the true reasons for his emotional withdrawal. This might not work if he is too checked out (i.e. basically already mentally with other women if not physically). But it's worth a try.

I agree with other posters that the idea that you were overloaded working and caring for kids is nothing for you to feel guilty about. But there were probably actions and behaviors during that difficult time where he felt alienated from you, and you need to really acknowledge that without being defensive. This is different from accepting blame, by the way.

Start there and go from there. No one here can know with certainty one way or another if you can bring your marriage back alive, but yes, it is worth a shot.

Last thing - don't go so extreme with trying to genuinely acknowledge his perspective that you become a doormat. That will backfire.

Good luck, OP. I am sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

The excitement of temptation of an affair can feel exhilarating after decade/s of marriage/kids/household but it is fleeting and when it’s still a fantasy you don’t have to deal with the fact that those people have annoying habits and flaws and whatnot. I am hitting my 40s and having off and on bouts of nostalgia for teen-hood/youth. It doesn’t mean I want to blow up my current life. If that’s what it is maybe the counseling will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did this come as a surprise to you?

Also - what makes you think he’s flirted with other people? And that he hasn’t slept with anyone else?

I caught him texting another woman. It was before it had progressed into sex, but my husband admitted he wanted to sleep with her. I confronted her (we work together) and I know that killed it because she’s afraid everyone in the office will find out.

She is likely the reason he wants out. Is she married?

[Anonymous]

No, why would I fall for that twice?

[Anonymous]

I'm happy for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did this come as a surprise to you?

Also - what makes you think he’s flirted with other people? And that he hasn’t slept with anyone else?

I caught him texting another woman. It was before it had progressed into sex, but my husband admitted he wanted to sleep with her. I confronted her (we work together) and I know that killed it because she’s afraid everyone in the office will find out.

I'm sorry. He's having an affair. This and the "not in love with you anymore" are dead giveaways.

See a lawyer, protect yourself and your kids, and take good care of yourself.

And get over to www.survivinginfidelity.com to read their healing library.

[Anonymous]

Now that you told us this, he probably won’t want to try right now. He thinks he’s in love with OW.

Maybe he’ll come to regret in time? So sorry.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT go begging. You will look desperate, pathetic and unattractive.

Get dressed up one night, maybe with nice new perfume, and just inform him you are going out. If he asks just tell him with “a friend.” You can go to the library for all it matters. Make yourself desirable and if he thinks another man wants you he will sit up and take notice.

I agree with others — men don’t leave without something lined up.

[Anonymous]

He can’t fall in love again if you aren’t giving him a lot of sex.

[Anonymous]

OP DO NOT BEG. Do not whine, do not ask him repeated questions, do not linger, do not constantly be available.

Chances are, he’s interested in someone else. If not that, then he got a ‘taste’ i.e. texting with that other woman and he liked it.

I’ve seen people post about doing “the 180” here. I’m not sure if there’s a website or article but apparently it works if you actually follow it. I’m not sure if the end goal of the 180 is to get that person back, or to move on quickly, but either way it helps you get over it. Before I knew it was even a well known method, I remember being in my late teens and early/mid 20’s and doing a version of it when I wasn’t being treated right, or a guy wasn’t giving me enough attention, or “wasn’t sure” about me etc etc and the second I stopped playing along or giving him attention or being available, he was suddenly more interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Theoretical guys can. Yours won't.

He's told you that the drama of your relationship took it out of him. He knows that there would be more downs even after a possible up and he's not going there.

Looking hot won't change this. It's happening because either:
A) life with you is drama he can't take anymore (so please go explore that);
B) he's kind of mature or unrealistic and doesn't understand that it's not all roses all of the time (and he should go to counseling); or
C) your relationship with each other is unhealthy and he knows it.

Counseling will be a great way to explore this, but it's more likely to help pave your paths to your separate futures than to make him fall for you again.

And he's probably seeing someone.

How do you know the OP is drama??

The drama is more like kids were little and I worked full time (still do) and at times the focus was more on them than him. I was overwhelmed at times with all the house and kid responsibilities but looking back I should have paid more attention to him. So part of this is my fault.

Let's cut right to the chase: how has been your sex life during marriage? How is it currently?

[Anonymous]

He is cheating on you. The fact that you keep blaming yourself comes from somewhere. I think you’re picking up on how he’s acting. Which is a sure sign of a cheater. Gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband told me he no longer loves me. Too many years of ups and downs I guess. I don’t think he’s slept with anyone else. He promised he would see a marriage counselor with me for the sake of our kids before filing for divorce, but can this even be saved? Can you fall in love with your wife again?

Yes!
It would be awesome if he broke both legs now - trauma and loving caring wife work wonders. Witnessed it twice.