Guys: can you fall in love with your wife again?

[Anonymous]

now he's back living in his mother's basement! At age 50!

Yeah, bullshit, keep your revenge fantasies out of this thread, they're not helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in a different situation than you, but my STBXW has been treating me with coldness and indifference for years now, and that is the reason I couldn't fall in love with her again. She has completely killed my feelings for her. If she did a complete turnaround tomorrow and said "let's get back together", I don't think I could do it. (This is a moot point because she's not going to do that.) If you have been treating your DH with kindness and affection then it is much more possible to regain his love than if you've been giving him the cold shoulder for any length of time.

[Anonymous]

This is a crucial life decision. Unsure how long you been married or have kids. From experience, having kids makes it difficult to maintain the emotional connection with a spouse. However, the your DH has to be willy to fight for your marriage. My XW and I had kids when it seemed we were roommates instead of husband and wife. As difficult as it seems, it is time to move on and start a new life. Your husband has checked out of the marriage and that is not your fault. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

This is not about falling in love again.
Tell him this is our responsibility to keep the family together for our kids sake.
As long as you can tolerate each other you can stay together.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not about falling in love again.
Tell him this is our responsibility to keep the family together for our kids sake.
As long as you can tolerate each other you can stay together.

What happens when the kids leave the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not about falling in love again.
Tell him this is our responsibility to keep the family together for our kids sake.
As long as you can tolerate each other you can stay together.

What happens when the kids leave the house?

When kids leave the house it becomes about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not about falling in love again.
Tell him this is our responsibility to keep the family together for our kids sake.
As long as you can tolerate each other you can stay together.

Why just tolerate each other? I'm having trouble figuring this out. I feel if I stay while simply tolerating my SO, I won't get to show my kids what a real loving relationship between two adults is. Instead they'll grow seeing cold, or at most, very straight forward interactions.

[Anonymous]

I personally think that once out of love w/you, it is not easy to fall back in love w/you.

Reason being is that people usually cannot fall in + out of love so easily.

Once someone is in love w/you, it is so simple.
It is truly an effortless act.
Because falling in love is so natural.

But so also is falling out of love.

But to expect to naturally fall back in love w/the same person again?
It kind of goes against human nature.

Just my personal opinion.

[Anonymous]

OP - it’s not you, it’s your DH. Please get yourself to a counselor ASAP. They will help you sort things out. Even if you’re doing marriage counseling get your OWN counselor. Good luck and best wishes from a DXW

[Anonymous]

I think you need to get ready for the end. Go to counseling and use the time to get your financial house in order.

Don’t beg. Don’t grovel. Don’t take the blame.

Do take time to yourself to process. This is also good so you won’t be as available to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not about falling in love again.
Tell him this is our responsibility to keep the family together for our kids sake.
As long as you can tolerate each other you can stay together.

Why just tolerate each other? I'm having trouble figuring this out. I feel if I stay while simply tolerating my SO, I won't get to show my kids what a real loving relationship between two adults is. Instead they'll grow seeing cold, or at most, very straight forward interactions.

Your kids don’t care about seeing you being absolutely 100% fulfilled in your sexual relationships. They just don’t. They care about stability and having dependable parents who are kind to them and to each other.

They would much rather have the above than sacrifice their family to deal with 2 stepparents and possible step siblings, shuffling between two houses, fewer financial resources, etc. You put a HUGE value on your relationship fulfillment, but believe me when I say that your kids do not share that sentiment. If you choose to divorce so you can date someone you like better, fine, but own it. You’re doing this for you. It’s not a gift to your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not about falling in love again.
Tell him this is our responsibility to keep the family together for our kids sake.
As long as you can tolerate each other you can stay together.

Why just tolerate each other? I'm having trouble figuring this out. I feel if I stay while simply tolerating my SO, I won't get to show my kids what a real loving relationship between two adults is. Instead they'll grow seeing cold, or at most, very straight forward interactions.

Your kids don’t care about seeing you being absolutely 100% fulfilled in your sexual relationships. They just don’t. They care about stability and having dependable parents who are kind to them and to each other.

They would much rather have the above than sacrifice their family to deal with 2 stepparents and possible step siblings, shuffling between two houses, fewer financial resources, etc. You put a HUGE value on your relationship fulfillment, but believe me when I say that your kids do not share that sentiment. If you choose to divorce so you can date someone you like better, fine, but own it. You’re doing this for you. It’s not a gift to your children.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not about falling in love again.
Tell him this is our responsibility to keep the family together for our kids sake.
As long as you can tolerate each other you can stay together.

Why just tolerate each other? I'm having trouble figuring this out. I feel if I stay while simply tolerating my SO, I won't get to show my kids what a real loving relationship between two adults is. Instead they'll grow seeing cold, or at most, very straight forward interactions.

Your kids don’t care about seeing you being absolutely 100% fulfilled in your sexual relationships. They just don’t. They care about stability and having dependable parents who are kind to them and to each other.

They would much rather have the above than sacrifice their family to deal with 2 stepparents and possible step siblings, shuffling between two houses, fewer financial resources, etc. You put a HUGE value on your relationship fulfillment, but believe me when I say that your kids do not share that sentiment. If you choose to divorce so you can date someone you like better, fine, but own it. You’re doing this for you. It’s not a gift to your children.

+1,000

So true. "Showing my kids a loving relationship" is how selfish people rationalize doing exactly what they want to do.

[Anonymous]

Please look up "doing the 180". Do not beg, do not grovel. No one looks good groveling.

If he wants a divorce, start living like you are divorced. Split "custody" with the kids. So 50%, you go out with friends or just sit at Starbucks. Leave him at home dealing with the kids. Take 50% of your savings and put it in an account only in your name. If he will pay child support, take that amount out of his paycheck and transfer to this account only in your name.

Let him get a taste of what life will be like without you.