Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip

[Anonymous]

OP, what makes you think she might be depressed rather than just moody? Is she seeing a therapist?

[Anonymous]

Also, does she regularly socialize with friends?

[Anonymous]

Can you bribe her? $100? I have extremely defiant kids. They are young but it’s hard already. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind you're setting a precedent, particularly with a stubborn child. If I let my 14 yr old stay home from a trip like this, younger siblings would also fight for their right not to do boring family vacations when they're 14, and good luck getting that 14 yr old to join in any trip that might possibly have a boring moment in the future.

What was the conflict with her cousin? Is she avoiding taking responsibility for some poor behavior? Or is her cousin a jerk?
If she's avoiding owning up to something she did or said, I wouldn't help her avoid it. If her cousin is a jerk, are other sleeping arrangements possible?

If you stay home with her, is she going to expect to be spending tons of time with her friend? I'd make it clear that if I agreed to stay home with her (which I can't imagine doing), it would be because we are going to be spending the vacation time getting the house into tip top shape. All of those annoying projects that have been being put off would be a priority. She wouldn't be staying home to hang out with friends and binge watch netflix. She'd be helping me sort through my decades old filing and shredding pounds of old bills. It wouldn't be pure misery, I'd do some things with her & allow her some social time. But I would not reward her noncompliance with non-stop fun.

[Anonymous]

You need to just stay home

[Anonymous]

Op - at 14 you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - at 14 you decide.

Of course. But should OP's decision be? I don't think that "You're coming on an 8-hour car trip to see family because I said so, or else!" would be a good decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind you're setting a precedent, particularly with a stubborn child. If I let my 14 yr old stay home from a trip like this, younger siblings would also fight for their right not to do boring family vacations when they're 14, and good luck getting that 14 yr old to join in any trip that might possibly have a boring moment in the future.

What was the conflict with her cousin? Is she avoiding taking responsibility for some poor behavior? Or is her cousin a jerk?
If she's avoiding owning up to something she did or said, I wouldn't help her avoid it. If her cousin is a jerk, are other sleeping arrangements possible?

If you stay home with her, is she going to expect to be spending tons of time with her friend? I'd make it clear that if I agreed to stay home with her (which I can't imagine doing), it would be because we are going to be spending the vacation time getting the house into tip top shape. All of those annoying projects that have been being put off would be a priority. She wouldn't be staying home to hang out with friends and binge watch netflix. She'd be helping me sort through my decades old filing and shredding pounds of old bills. It wouldn't be pure misery, I'd do some things with her & allow her some social time. But I would not reward her noncompliance with non-stop fun.

This “Ok DD, in that case I am staying home too. Since I already took the time off, I have a list of projects for us to do around the house. The ones with an asterisk at the end are your tasks.”

[Anonymous]

I have a feeling that a lot of the "clearly you're a bad parent who never disciplines and the kids run the household" posters have to be in that magical age where your kids haven't hit their teen years and are happy kids who love being with their parents and are easily cowed through simple consequences into doing what you require them to do.

OP, I also have a 14 year old who over the summer became depressed and expressed suicidal thoughts and has been withdrawn and moody. We are very firm with our kids and have clear rules and boundaries, but you cannot bully your child out of depression.

I agree that you can't and shouldn't leave her alone for her own health and wellbeing. I like the suggestion of making the trip more palatable by changing up sleeping arrangements, and I also think you should take her expressed conflicts with her cousin seriously. I don't believe that we should always disregard our kids' experiences and opinions just because we don't want conflict with family and we want to enjoy our own trips without regard to how unpleasant our kids might find them. We have had to deal with a lot of conflict at younger ages with our kids' cousins, who objectively speaking have gone through terrible periods of unacceptable behavior and zero limits from their parents. My kids have a right not to be exposed to that.

But I also think it would be OK to make alternate plans with her (not just both of you sit at home, but both of you find something to do that gets you out of the house and into the wider world).

[Anonymous]

If you stay home. I would make it electronic free, staying in the house, family bonding time.

[Anonymous]

If your kid is depressed, do not leave them home alone.

[Anonymous]

You left out the most important part of the story - that she had a fight with her cousin with whom she is now expected to share a room.

I think you need to be accommodating and arrange for her to share a room with someone else.

There are lots of things you can do in the stick and carrot department to get her to go.

[Anonymous]

Let her know you are exploring the option of staying home and booking some counselling/therapy sessions for the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would insist on her joining us. 14 is still too young to be allowed to pout off on her separate way.

I tried this and she is doing the "I refuse to go." "I refuse to get in the car." thing. She is very strong willed.

Do you always alolow your children to dictate to you what they will and will not do? I think you may have waited a bit late, but you can still grow a spine and learn to use it.

I don’t think that’s really fair. No need to gang up on OP, who’s here looking for practical advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she refuses, then all extras for her stop. Room and board. She can do her own laundry. No extracurriculars etc.

You refuse to do extras for a minor CHILD who does not comply.

Agree. Be a damn parent, OP.