Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you come to some compromise to make the trip better for her such as not sharing a room with her cousin?

This is stupid. Part of growing up is learning how to deal with and get past minor issues. Unless the cousin is outright abusive, this is just like a sibling fight. You wouldn’t rearrange the house to separate two fighting siblings; they just figure it out and move on. This coddling of DD because of what’s likely a stupid minor fight is not doing her any favors or teaching her any life skills. It’s no wonder she doesn’t want to be around people, it seems like you never want to make her deal with anything uncomfortable to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she refuses, then all extras for her stop. Room and board. She can do her own laundry. No extracurriculars etc.

You refuse to do extras for a minor CHILD who does not comply.

This, no electronics especially. Its not her choice. If she is depressed/mental health issues, then you get her mental health evaluation and treatment. Until she is 18 and living in your home, its not an option.

[Anonymous]

Tell her she is going. I would tell her there is no discussion and the next time she even brings it up she'll lose the phone for a day (use whatever currency you have).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You left out the most important part of the story - that she had a fight with her cousin with whom she is now expected to share a room.

I think you need to be accommodating and arrange for her to share a room with someone else.

There are lots of things you can do in the stick and carrot department to get her to go.

This does seem the crux of the situation.

What is this about OP? Were they friends? What happened? We do not always get along with our cousins and you should respect that and give her an out from sharing room with the cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you come to some compromise to make the trip better for her such as not sharing a room with her cousin?

This is stupid. Part of growing up is learning how to deal with and get past minor issues. Unless the cousin is outright abusive, this is just like a sibling fight. You wouldn’t rearrange the house to separate two fighting siblings; they just figure it out and move on. This coddling of DD because of what’s likely a stupid minor fight is not doing her any favors or teaching her any life skills. It’s no wonder she doesn’t want to be around people, it seems like you never want to make her deal with anything uncomfortable to her.

Sibling fight is different from cousins fight. For one, siblings are raised by the same parents so they would have similar rules for the most part. Cousins parents could be free-range or hands-off for all we know.

[Anonymous]

I'd make her go. It's just 4 days, she will get over it. I have a 14 year old as well who can be moody and sassy. I still make her go to places she doesn't want to go to. She huffs and puffs and then gets over it. Sometimes she even ends up having a good time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you come to some compromise to make the trip better for her such as not sharing a room with her cousin?

This is stupid. Part of growing up is learning how to deal with and get past minor issues. Unless the cousin is outright abusive, this is just like a sibling fight. You wouldn’t rearrange the house to separate two fighting siblings; they just figure it out and move on. This coddling of DD because of what’s likely a stupid minor fight is not doing her any favors or teaching her any life skills. It’s no wonder she doesn’t want to be around people, it seems like you never want to make her deal with anything uncomfortable to her.

Sibling fight is different from cousins fight. For one, siblings are raised by the same parents so they would have similar rules for the most part. Cousins parents could be free-range or hands-off for all we know.

You’re really reaching

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd make her go. It's just 4 days, she will get over it. I have a 14 year old as well who can be moody and sassy. I still make her go to places she doesn't want to go to. She huffs and puffs and then gets over it. Sometimes she even ends up having a good time.

How?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd make her go. It's just 4 days, she will get over it. I have a 14 year old as well who can be moody and sassy. I still make her go to places she doesn't want to go to. She huffs and puffs and then gets over it. Sometimes she even ends up having a good time.

How?

The vast majority of kids can be cajoled, convinced, or coerced. The OP has not offered any indication that her child is out of the norm on this one.

As a parent of teenagers, it's fairly common that I need to convince them to do something they don't particularly want to do. In this situation, my children would ultimately cave if I flatly said this is a required trip and when they turn 19 and have a job like their older sibling, they too would be able to skip a family trip due to other obligations. My children typically relent when I make it clear that something is a command performance. When they push back, it's typically because something else is going on. Perhaps like OP's daughter's problem with the cousin. That might require some finessing. But I know my kids, and I'm capable of either giving them an incentive, such as agreeing their cousin is annoying, so we will make sure to have plenty of earbuds and books and give the kid cover to go "study" somewhere away from the cousin regularly, if another room isn't an option, or giving them a penalty such as explaining they had a fight with their cousin because they were in the wrong and they need to apologize to their cousin for their error and deal with the consequences. And finally, while I agree that you can't bully someone out of depression as a previous posted mentioned, we don't know that the child in this case is being anything other than normally moody, and you also can't coddle someone out of depression. Offering considerations such as letting a kid zone out on their phone during a car ride even if you don't typically allow that, or like I mentioned earlier giving the kid escape hatches such as letting them go somewhere else and "study" when they need breaks can be a perfectly reasonable way of accommodating a child going through a challenging time while also making them meet the expected obligations of spending some time with their family.

In the case that a child is capable of outright defiance and is not willing to be convinced to cooperate, I would assume the family has already enlisted appropriate help and would be engaged with them to determine an appropriate action. A call for help in that case would probably more appropriately be in the the forum for kids with special needs.

[Anonymous]

5 pages long and I’ll be the first dissenting opinion. Let her stay. I really don’t see much harm if she hasn’t shown harmful behavior in the past.
Maybe she see her sister’s freedom as liberating and wants to be part of it. Or that she see that being in a car for 16 hours round trip as grueling (rightly so) for people she doesn’t want to be around. I totally get it.
OP, you know her best. Would this be a way for her to recharge her batteries, sleep in, read books, hang with her sister she isn’t working and generally relax?

[Anonymous]

What if 19 year old has other plans outside of working? What if she wants to spend the night at a friends house? What happens if she has a few friends over, or more than a few?

Does 19 year old want the responsibility for the 14 year old? What happens if the 14 year old will not listen to the 19 year old, like she is not listening to you? What are the laws for leaving a 14 year old home overnight? If something happens, would CPS then be involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if 19 year old has other plans outside of working? What if she wants to spend the night at a friends house? What happens if she has a few friends over, or more than a few?

Does 19 year old want the responsibility for the 14 year old? What happens if the 14 year old will not listen to the 19 year old, like she is not listening to you? What are the laws for leaving a 14 year old home overnight? If something happens, would CPS then be involved?

I’m the pp above you. First of all a 14 year old is old enough to babysit, so cool your jets about CPS. I do think it’s fair for OP to ask her 19 if she is willing to watch her sister during her non-work hours. I was also assuming her 19 year old isn’t working 60 hour big law hours.
I wasn’t suggesting carte blanche, just that maybe it wasn’t just a bad idea if they came to an agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if 19 year old has other plans outside of working? What if she wants to spend the night at a friends house? What happens if she has a few friends over, or more than a few?

Does 19 year old want the responsibility for the 14 year old? What happens if the 14 year old will not listen to the 19 year old, like she is not listening to you? What are the laws for leaving a 14 year old home overnight? If something happens, would CPS then be involved?

I’m the pp above you. First of all a 14 year old is old enough to babysit, so cool your jets about CPS. I do think it’s fair for OP to ask her 19 if she is willing to watch her sister during her non-work hours. I was also assuming her 19 year old isn’t working 60 hour big law hours.
I wasn’t suggesting carte blanche, just that maybe it wasn’t just a bad idea if they came to an agreement.

You are not bright. A 14 year old babysitting for a few hours is a lot different than staying home the entire length of a family vacation. I feel bad for your family if you’re actually a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if 19 year old has other plans outside of working? What if she wants to spend the night at a friends house? What happens if she has a few friends over, or more than a few?

Does 19 year old want the responsibility for the 14 year old? What happens if the 14 year old will not listen to the 19 year old, like she is not listening to you? What are the laws for leaving a 14 year old home overnight? If something happens, would CPS then be involved?

I’m the pp above you. First of all a 14 year old is old enough to babysit, so cool your jets about CPS. I do think it’s fair for OP to ask her 19 if she is willing to watch her sister during her non-work hours. I was also assuming her 19 year old isn’t working 60 hour big law hours.
I wasn’t suggesting carte blanche, just that maybe it wasn’t just a bad idea if they came to an agreement.

You are not bright. A 14 year old babysitting for a few hours is a lot different than staying home the entire length of a family vacation. I feel bad for your family if you’re actually a parent.

And you can’t think a 14 year old and 19 year old can’t survive 3-4 days without parents, you have failed as a parent.

[Anonymous]

If I were the 19 year old I would make sure to refuse a multiple overnight responsibility of the younger sibling. The difficult younger child is the responsibility of the parent, not her.