Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip

[Anonymous]

The OP has said her DD is depressed. Stay home mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP has said her DD is depressed. Stay home mom.

"She has been very moody lately and possibly depressed."

Or, you know, maybe a typical 14 year old.

But in any case, if she thinks her child is possibly depressed, the answer is to seek help but it doesn't prevent the child from going on a family trip. If she thinks her DD is in crisis, that's a different situation that might require immediate and drastic attention, but she's given no indication that she thinks her child is in crisis.

[Anonymous]

I’d say make her go but since you think she’s depressed, skip the trip and stay home. Only you know if making her go is the right thing to do. The first time my parents left us for four days was when I was home visiting from college and my younger sister was 16. We had an aunt who lived two blocks away checking in on us and I still had my boyfriend stay over every night. My parents and aunt had no idea he was there.

[Anonymous]

^ and I really have no idea what my 16 year old sister did for those four days. We were good, generally responsible kids/young adults who were not depressed.

[Anonymous]

When my sister and I were 14 and 16 we refused to go on trip over the holidays.

My moms best friend invited us to join their family for an all expenses paid ski vacation at a chalet they had rented.

My mom didn't get to see her best friend very often. They were really excited to tell us as they thought this would be a great surprise. Instead my sister and I acted completely bratty, got mad and refused to go. It was far, we didn't know their kids that well (only saw them every couple years) and just wanted to stay home.

My parents decided we woulnd't go since we were acting like they were dragging us to alcatraz. They didn't want to be embarrassed of have the trip ruined by our bratty behavior. So we stayed home and my mom cried much of the next few days. Partly over missing the chance to see her friend, but mostly over how selfish and bratty we were. My father was so disgusted with us he barely spoke to us. We all stayed in the house (they wouldn't let us go to friends) and had the most miserable Christmas we had ever had.

I still cringe when I remember that year, it almost makes me cry 25 years later. I wish they had made us go. We would have had a good time once there and it would have been ten times better than the miserable Christmas we had at home. I learned a very good lesson that year about the impact of bratty behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When did oldest dd start backing out? That's when the next one can too.

Older DD has to work.

It possibly isn't fair to leave her with a 14 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my sister and I were 14 and 16 we refused to go on trip over the holidays.

My moms best friend invited us to join their family for an all expenses paid ski vacation at a chalet they had rented.

My mom didn't get to see her best friend very often. They were really excited to tell us as they thought this would be a great surprise. Instead my sister and I acted completely bratty, got mad and refused to go. It was far, we didn't know their kids that well (only saw them every couple years) and just wanted to stay home.

My parents decided we woulnd't go since we were acting like they were dragging us to alcatraz. They didn't want to be embarrassed of have the trip ruined by our bratty behavior. So we stayed home and my mom cried much of the next few days. Partly over missing the chance to see her friend, but mostly over how selfish and bratty we were. My father was so disgusted with us he barely spoke to us. We all stayed in the house (they wouldn't let us go to friends) and had the most miserable Christmas we had ever had.

I still cringe when I remember that year, it almost makes me cry 25 years later. I wish they had made us go. We would have had a good time once there and it would have been ten times better than the miserable Christmas we had at home. I learned a very good lesson that year about the impact of bratty behavior.

yeah, you were bratty and missed a good opportunity.

on the other hand, I remember being forced into "friendships" with some fairly awful kids who had perfectly ordinary parents. I resented it quite a bit. So when I read your post, I think I understood the teen you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my sister and I were 14 and 16 we refused to go on trip over the holidays.

My moms best friend invited us to join their family for an all expenses paid ski vacation at a chalet they had rented.

My mom didn't get to see her best friend very often. They were really excited to tell us as they thought this would be a great surprise. Instead my sister and I acted completely bratty, got mad and refused to go. It was far, we didn't know their kids that well (only saw them every couple years) and just wanted to stay home.

My parents decided we woulnd't go since we were acting like they were dragging us to alcatraz. They didn't want to be embarrassed of have the trip ruined by our bratty behavior. So we stayed home and my mom cried much of the next few days. Partly over missing the chance to see her friend, but mostly over how selfish and bratty we were. My father was so disgusted with us he barely spoke to us. We all stayed in the house (they wouldn't let us go to friends) and had the most miserable Christmas we had ever had.

I still cringe when I remember that year, it almost makes me cry 25 years later. I wish they had made us go. We would have had a good time once there and it would have been ten times better than the miserable Christmas we had at home. I learned a very good lesson that year about the impact of bratty behavior.

Your mom should have went with Dad staying home with you both on lockdown.

[Anonymous]

You need to make her go. She sounds like a typical moody teenager. I was the same way. She had a fight with her cousin, she is embarrassed, no one understands her and all her angst etc. You tell her she has to go, she can sleep on the floor of your room but she will have to make nice with her cousin. You do not cancel your family trip because your kid is being a brat. Can she whine her way out of trips to the dentist too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my sister and I were 14 and 16 we refused to go on trip over the holidays.

My moms best friend invited us to join their family for an all expenses paid ski vacation at a chalet they had rented.

My mom didn't get to see her best friend very often. They were really excited to tell us as they thought this would be a great surprise. Instead my sister and I acted completely bratty, got mad and refused to go. It was far, we didn't know their kids that well (only saw them every couple years) and just wanted to stay home.

My parents decided we woulnd't go since we were acting like they were dragging us to alcatraz. They didn't want to be embarrassed of have the trip ruined by our bratty behavior. So we stayed home and my mom cried much of the next few days. Partly over missing the chance to see her friend, but mostly over how selfish and bratty we were. My father was so disgusted with us he barely spoke to us. We all stayed in the house (they wouldn't let us go to friends) and had the most miserable Christmas we had ever had.

I still cringe when I remember that year, it almost makes me cry 25 years later. I wish they had made us go. We would have had a good time once there and it would have been ten times better than the miserable Christmas we had at home. I learned a very good lesson that year about the impact of bratty behavior.

I am somewhat relieved to read this PP looks back on her teenage behavior with regret. I think we all have done things we aren’t proud of but it takes a bigger person to admit they were wrong and if given a do over they would behave differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would insist on her joining us. 14 is still too young to be allowed to pout off on her separate way.

14 does not get to dictate these things.

The 19 year old should really go too, unless she is working.

[Anonymous]

Last year, my kids (20,22,24) we’re home from college. DH wanted us to attend a function as a family. Two of them said that they were not attending. I have to say that we have great kids but they were being really selfish that day. I got them alone, got in their faces and reminded them of some of the great things that their dad does for them (tuition, new cars, etc). I told them that it wasn’t open for discussion; we were all attending the function. Also, I needed them to go tell their dad that they had change their minds; DH was so happy. They were very upset with me, but I did not care. We all went to the function (it was kind of lame at times..lol) but we made the best of it. DH was so happy and proud to introduce them to everyone. By the end of the night, they were back to their normal awesome selves.
OP, I wrote the above to remind you that you are the parent. You have to lead. You cannot let your minor child tell you what she’s not going to do. Also, you cannot leave your depressed daughter virtually alone at home during the holidays.
Please try to do a mommy/daughter weekend and pray that she opens up to you. Listen, more than speak. Try your best not to react to what is being shared. One negative reaction and she will shut down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would insist on her joining us. 14 is still too young to be allowed to pout off on her separate way.

14 does not get to dictate these things.

The 19 year old should really go too, unless she is working.

It might also be time to change the tradition. 8 hour road trips to sit with family aren't fun at this age. OP's kid is struggling this year, it's fine to say "okay, if you don't want to go you don't have to, but that means we all stay."

[Anonymous]

14 is not an adult. 19 is an adult but also needs to respect family when staying with family.

14 year old must go.

I have a 13 year old who doesn’t even want to watch a movie with us. We are about to take a 7hour 4-5 day road trip to see family, and I could totally see him saying he doesn’t want to go. Tough. He has to go, and then he can write about how evil I am in his memoir 20 years from now.

My 13 year old is being textbook, classic moody teen lately. Don’t let that make you cave.

If you think your child needs a little mental health support, that’s a separate issue for a separate time. But she still has to go with the family on a family vacation.

FWIW I would not leave my 14 year old with my 19 year old for several days.

[Anonymous]

OP, as the parent of a child with serious mental illness, this is what I have to offer. Unless you can win the battle, don't pick it. So, if your child will not get into the car (and there are things that mine will not do when he is in a bad state), then don't mandate it unless you can physically pick her up and get her in. When she is in a good place to discuss it, then you should. The biggest piece of advice that I have gotten is be careful what battles you pick and if you pick a battle win at all costs.

I hope you are wrong about depression because it is a horrible road to travel with your child.