Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip

[Anonymous]

As a former moody and depressed 14 yo, get her to go. The change of scenery will be good for her, whether she realizes it or not. Sitting around the house alone for 4 days is a recipe for more moodiness and depression.

Tell her either she goes or you stay home with her, and then see what she does.

[Anonymous]

Can you come to some compromise to make the trip better for her such as not sharing a room with her cousin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has been very moody lately and possibly depressed.

I wouldn't leave behind a 14 year old in this state. Your DD19 will be working, and can't be expected to be in loco parentis.

You will need advice on how to literally get your DD14 packed and convinced to get into the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I'd skip the trip myself and stay home with the teenagers. My DH was forced as a kid on these family road trips every year to see extended family. He found them very monotonous as the years wore on and he grew to dread them. Spending 8+ hours in a car followed by days of sitting silently on a relative's sofa while all the adults talk about their 401k plans. That's pretty much the way my DH described his family "vacation" every year. I can understand why the kids don't want to go. If you don't want to leave your youngest alone, stay home with her.

Thanks for this. I know that family trips can be tedious and the drive is long so I can somewhat understand. We do a lot of kid activities when we visit but there is an age range of kids so not all of the activities are things she would enjoy.

It makes me sad to think of not going and the rest of the family will be disappointed but I have to do what she needs right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I'd skip the trip myself and stay home with the teenagers. My DH was forced as a kid on these family road trips every year to see extended family. He found them very monotonous as the years wore on and he grew to dread them. Spending 8+ hours in a car followed by days of sitting silently on a relative's sofa while all the adults talk about their 401k plans. That's pretty much the way my DH described his family "vacation" every year. I can understand why the kids don't want to go. If you don't want to leave your youngest alone, stay home with her.

Thanks for this. I know that family trips can be tedious and the drive is long so I can somewhat understand. We do a lot of kid activities when we visit but there is an age range of kids so not all of the activities are things she would enjoy.

It makes me sad to think of not going and the rest of the family will be disappointed but I have to do what she needs right now.

And, in the long run, you don't want her association with family to be "the people my mother forced me to go visit".

[Anonymous]

^^^my parent - sorry!

[Anonymous]

Is your 19 year old willing to be responsible for her for the 4 days?

[Anonymous]

If I left her at home, I'd give her plenty of chores to keep her busy. She'd be reorganizing the closets, cleaning out the garage, scrubbing the kitchen floor, etc. She would not be left at home to watch Netflix and snapchat her friends all day.

But I'd tell her this in advance, that I expect her to be working while we are gone. Then see if her tune changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fourteen year old alone while older daughter works and hangs out with her friends. HELL TO THE NO.

+1 exactly. She is a child!! Say, absolutely NOT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When did oldest dd start backing out? That's when the next one can too.

Older DD has to work.

You’re avoiding the question. How old was she when she was allowed to skip the trip for the first time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When did oldest dd start backing out? That's when the next one can too.

Older DD has to work.

You’re avoiding the question. How old was she when she was allowed to skip the trip for the first time?

I am guessing that the 19 yo is the oldest, and wasn't permitted to stay home alone before this year.

[Anonymous]

Can you afford to go somewhere else for a few days? If she is possibly depressed, I’d want to turn that around sooner rather than later. I would make her needs (not her wants, her actual needs) my top priority over break. The cousins will survive (btw, the tiff may be more intense, or more upsetting to her, than you realize).

—signed, mom of a teen currently dealing with a therapist, psychiatrist, depression, and possible eating disorder.

[Anonymous]

Making her go is good practice for being an adult and getting married.

[Anonymous]

She could be moody, she could be depressed or she could dislike her cousin. Tell your DH that YOU are staying home with DD. Maybe a few days of 1 on 1 will help you two to reconnect and bond. Try to spend a lot of time together (don't allow her to hole up in her room). Cook her favorite meals etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would insist on her joining us. 14 is still too young to be allowed to pout off on her separate way.

I tried this and she is doing the "I refuse to go." "I refuse to get in the car." thing. She is very strong willed.

Sorry OP. She isn’t strong willed. That she feels she can say that demonstrates a stunning lack of discipline in your home. You fix that when they are 4, not 14.

You don’t have a teen, do you? My kids haven’t hit this stage yet either, but my friends with teens are having a very difficult time. And they are good parents.