I'm a SAHM and my husband won't let me send money to my teen son. Who's right?

[Anonymous]

OMFG. I had to work all thru college to pay for my tuition, and had no beer money. But I recognize it is a different world and only top students get into good professional schools, and networking professionally begins in the social scene of college — being the guy borrowing money to pay for beer will squander that.

Summer job for money is foolishness— need professional related jobs which generally will eat all earnings for housing and transport.

[Anonymous]

My college and law school did not allow freshmen and 1Ls to work. They wanted students to focus on academics and not be distracted by part time jobs. Work study run by the schools was the exception.

Send your DS the money. I don’t understand why you need your DH’s permission to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can get a job. I worked all through college and I went to a very hard school.

He also needs a holiday job while he is home on break.

FFS. The world is way more competitive now. Wasting time on a campus job for beer money is so short sighted.

I earned my "beer money" as a copy editor, desk editor, reporter and ultimately managing editor at my college paper. That led to a newspaper internship which led to gainful employment as a freelance writer and (ultimately) a communications director at two major universities.

You are the one who is short-sighted. Not every college job involves asking people if they want fries; and even those jobs can open doors if the kid is talented, polite and hard-working.

All due respect, your college experience is digressing from my topic. This is about a SAHM and step-father disagreeing on family finances for a SAHM's biological son. With regard to your experience, that sounds as if it was 20 plus years ago. Also, I didn't see a mention of a fellowship, which could provide $ and a bigger resume booster than the crummy jobs you're [I guess?] implying your parents made you pursue. Fellowships are competitive, requiring top grades and recs.

Um, my parents never "made" me pursue anything. They paid for my college, but didn't give me extra money. If I wanted money for extra clothes, parties, etc., it was on me.

I looked around and saw that successful college students and young grads were the ones getting jobs, internships and other EXPERIENCE that they could put on a resume. If you do nothing but study and earn a 4.0 you are not going to stand out in the job market. Sorry. If you have a 3.5 but have a few industry-related things on your resume, you'll be in a much better position to get a job after graduation.

Anyway, OP's husband sounds like he knows that a college job or some type of experience will benefit OP's son.

It's sad and ironic, really. Jobless woman who has limited power in her own life wants her son to remain jobless, too.

This. +1000. If OP is looking for $100 a month to send to her son, she can earn it herself. Shit, she could sell her out of season clothes to get that cash. But really, her son should work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My college and law school did not allow freshmen and 1Ls to work. They wanted students to focus on academics and not be distracted by part time jobs. Work study run by the schools was the exception.

Send your DS the money. I don’t understand why you need your DH’s permission to do this.

Many work study only given out as part of aid package

And OP DH so generous with including on his family plan healthcare (which he has any ways for his daughters) and $30 for a line on the family phone plan

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know why he didnt work all last summer and make plenty for spending money? Even at minimum wage, working 30 hours a week left plenty of time for summer fun AND several thousands in spending money. So? What was he doing?

He did work part-time last summer but he also was an unpaid volunteer for a campaign, which cut into his job hours. The money he saved is mostly gone from just normal spending and first year of college expenses. He also already secured a summer internship for 2019.

Ok then you have my official blessing to send him money. I do think if a kid is working/occupied productively during the summer then they deserve a bit of spending money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My college and law school did not allow freshmen and 1Ls to work. They wanted students to focus on academics and not be distracted by part time jobs. Work study run by the schools was the exception.

Send your DS the money. I don’t understand why you need your DH’s permission to do this.

Many work study only given out as part of aid package

And OP DH so generous with including on his family plan healthcare (which he has any ways for his daughters) and $30 for a line on the family phone plan

It may not cost him anything more to have stepson on his health plan or phone plan. We can have as many people as we want as long as they are eligible for the same family price. My husband's kids are horrible to him but we kept them on as long as possible to get our monies worth. Thankfully we did as one kid had a horrible car accident and mom canceled her plan and never got him other insurance. They called us to pay for it (no as the son lied to us about what happened) but we offered the insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at "let"

+1

And “his money”.

[Anonymous]

How do you know that his debit card is empty?

And what type of relationship does he have with your husband?

[Anonymous]

Sell the baby things you don't need anymore, get a $20 back when you buy groceries, do some babysitting in your home and send the cash to your son.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand the imbalance in decision making. When I was exclusively a SAHM-as we’d both decided on having children and who was working in our marriage/partnership-there was never a question of whose money as it was ours, made in supporting our family.

And your son sounds responsible and fulfilling his responsibilities as a student. You’re DH is an ass and you’re playing into his weakness of defining where decisions are made.

[Anonymous]

This exact scenario is exactly why I will always work.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why you cannot send him 50$ or 100$ as you said you have your own revenue stream. You also said you have young daughters and I see this so much from my friends who still have little ones and we have teens / college. They have NO concept of what is yet to be. I doubt he will feel the same when the two dd go off to school.

Anyway, I say this as someone who worked her own way through college with a small amount of help from parents, please send him some money. Even if only 20$ in the mail. I am older but those days of receiving a 20$ here and there from my mom and grandmothers made a huge difference. It meant I could occasionally go out for pizza with my friends, a movie, new piece of clothing, etc.

Our DS has all paid for but he worked a pt job senior year as he had time and he saved a good bit. He’s just about out and plans to work over Christmas but I have no problem giving him 50$ a month or so. If you are not poor, providing a small allowance for a college student is not unheard of. My parents could not but we can and so I’m happy to do so. This is not the kid whose step-parent was on here saying her DH is footing thousands of dollars in fun money every month!

Ironically, our DS says he does want to work at some point and I’m okay with an on- campus job but not for his freshman year. He has some attention issues and we were worried but he’s doing so well and we are thrilled.

Not beer money, not entitled kids money, but a small stipend- why not? I don’t know your dh, the situation, if he’s mad at you, mad at your ex for not providing, if you are struggling financially, he does not like step son but not to “let” you send a small allowance to your own child seems unnecessarily mean. But maybe more to the story.

[Anonymous]

Is DH the biodad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at "let"

+1!
My husband has been unemployed/underemployed for two years. We live on my salary as he looks for a job in his specialized field. I would NEVER refer to the money in our bank account as “my money,” even though I earned it. Nor would I prohibit my husband from spending it in a certain way. We are married— we share all of our assets. Your DH needs to realize it’s no longer 1950.

[Anonymous]

For the short term, get extra cash when you debit at the grocery store. Use the cash to deposit into your DS's account. Long term, get a job. This man you married is controlling (assume you know that). Next, he won't allow you to get your hair cut.