Ashamed about dating a younger man.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I know the age thing is my hang up and not his. I haven’t had many relationships andjust don’t want to seem desperate.We actually went out last night dinner and he surprised me with tickets to something I really wanted to see. I think I’m falling for him in spite of what my brain says. He has so much of what I want/ need in a relationship... he’s just so young. I’d be less concerned if he was even 4 years older.

As for the cougar/sex teasing we actually haven’t gotten to that part yet. Kid of taking it slow in that arena.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you kidding?! I’m jealous! If anyone hates on it, they probably are too!

I dated a younger guy (24, I was 32) and was also worried I’d rob him of his youth. That’s actually what ended things, he felt I looked down on him because of his age and didn’t trust him to be an adult and make his own decisions. So stop treating him like a kid and treat him with the same respect you’d have for a 34 year old man. If you get serious and it’s clear he doesn’t want to settle down on the same timeframe you do, then end things.

I don’t know if you read thru the “when did you meet your spouse thread” but there are a ton that met their spouses in their mid 20’s. If you are worried about his maturity, I would counter that you can’t make a blanket statement. There are some guys that are ready to be in a relationship that within a few years will lead to marriage when they are in their 20’s and there are some that are not. Even though women have he biological clock working against them if they want kids, there are some women ready to be in the relationship leading to marriage in their 20’s and there are some that are not. You have to look at the individual - is this even someone you want to be in a relationship with, how is the chemistry, communication and compatibility. Both of you having similar thoughts about timelines and the type of commitment falls under compatibility.

I actually didn’t read that thread. I have a bias against marrying young because that’s what my parents did and their marriage was a disaster. They outwardly seemed mature enough and they were in s generations where marrying mid 20s was normal even late. They are still married but say they were too young. The thing about 24 from what I remember is you don’t know what you don’t know and you think you know so much because you do know a lot, but so much changes in the next few years as you hit 30 and beyond. I don’t want him to rush through that part of life because of me. We have similar values and goals but our timelines are different. I do enjoy him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I know the age thing is my hang up and not his. I haven’t had many relationships andjust don’t want to seem desperate.We actually went out last night dinner and he surprised me with tickets to something I really wanted to see. I think I’m falling for him in spite of what my brain says. He has so much of what I want/ need in a relationship... he’s just so young. I’d be less concerned if he was even 4 years older.

As for the cougar/sex teasing we actually haven’t gotten to that part yet. Kid of taking it slow in that arena.

Remember there are no guarantees about the “goodness/rightness” of anyone. You could date a guy 4 years older but no guarantees he would be ready to commit or would be a good match. You keep saying you would be less concerned if he was 4 years older but why? Has he said he doesn’t want to get married until 30 and no kids until 35 and you are doing the math and realize that doesn’t work? Has there been something specific that makes it seems like he isn’t adulting at 24 (like he is overly dependent on his parents) and you feel on 4 years he would change on his own?

Otherwise, you are basically saying you aren’t happy with who he is and want him to change in some way, in this case to be someone older. That to me would be the same as him saying that you are a great woman but if only you were 4 years younger (big ouch). You shouldn’t date someone hoping they could be someone else. If you can’t come up with something concrete, my only other thought is are you sabotaging yourself like finding something to be wrong so you can’t get hurt or pre-determining the reasoning won’t work like him being too young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I know the age thing is my hang up and not his. I haven’t had many relationships andjust don’t want to seem desperate.We actually went out last night dinner and he surprised me with tickets to something I really wanted to see. I think I’m falling for him in spite of what my brain says. He has so much of what I want/ need in a relationship... he’s just so young. I’d be less concerned if he was even 4 years older.

As for the cougar/sex teasing we actually haven’t gotten to that part yet. Kid of taking it slow in that arena.

Remember there are no guarantees about the “goodness/rightness” of anyone. You could date a guy 4 years older but no guarantees he would be ready to commit or would be a good match. You keep saying you would be less concerned if he was 4 years older but why? Has he said he doesn’t want to get married until 30 and no kids until 35 and you are doing the math and realize that doesn’t work? Has there been something specific that makes it seems like he isn’t adulting at 24 (like he is overly dependent on his parents) and you feel on 4 years he would change on his own?

Otherwise, you are basically saying you aren’t happy with who he is and want him to change in some way, in this case to be someone older. That to me would be the same as him saying that you are a great woman but if only you were 4 years younger (big ouch). You shouldn’t date someone hoping they could be someone else. If you can’t come up with something concrete, my only other thought is are you sabotaging yourself like finding something to be wrong so you can’t get hurt or pre-determining the reasoning won’t work like him being too young.

I said 4 years because I think I’d be less shocked at dating a 28 year old. He’s not overly dependent on his parents. He’s said he wants to be married by the time he’s 28 and hopefully kids by 30 because he doesn’t want to be “ an old dad like his father “. He was born when his dad was 35 btw. He’s close to his dad though.

[Anonymous]

Why would it be desperate? If anything, it shows you’ve got it going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I do think you are robbing him of his best years and he is probably too wet behind the ears to know better.

These get differences get less meaningful as you get older, but man in his 20s has some stuff to work out.

No he is robbing her of her best and most critical years if she wants to get married and have kids. She needs to assume he is not going to be ready for those things for while. And then she will be 39 or 40 and wondering why she wasted her years on him.

[Anonymous]

Humble brag. (4 pages and I'm the first to say it?)

OP - you do you. My only concerns, based on what you've said are:
Sex - not sure how slow you mean but that's a big component and you need to see how you match up there before thinking marriage.
Babies - you want them and are feeling your clock. Will your clock line up with his marriage time line? Are you willing to have a child with him outside marriage? Will he feel pressured to move his timeline to meet yours?

Have fun but you need to answer the above questions more than he does

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually didn’t read that thread. I have a bias against marrying young because that’s what my parents did and their marriage was a disaster. They outwardly seemed mature enough and they were in s generations where marrying mid 20s was normal even late. They are still married but say they were too young. The thing about 24 from what I remember is you don’t know what you don’t know and you think you know so much because you do know a lot, but so much changes in the next few years as you hit 30 and beyond. I don’t want him to rush through that part of life because of me. We have similar values and goals but our timelines are different. I do enjoy him.

PP here that posted the question. I still am seeing this as your baggage, not his. Was the only issue really that your parents too young? I say this because my parents divorced and it wasn’t because they were too young. On the surface, my mom was a single mother, my step dad had been divorced (no kids). But my take away wasn’t that all marriages are doomed if one person already has a child or is divorced. My takeaway is that you have to value the same things for the big things in life that would be hard for someone to compromise - like married or not, how you live, number of kids, religion, family involvement etc. You also have to have to both have flexibility and be willing to compromise on the smaller things and recognize there is strength in having differing perspectives. I believe that’s how you grow. You have to do the hard work of learning how to communicate - advocating for yourself and showing appreciation for your partner and talking out compromises. And be willing to seek help if you can’t do it on your own but both believe it’s worth the effort even when it’s not easy. Love alone is not enough. Some of my parents differences like my mom being a single mom, did not mean she wasn’t worthy of or couldn’t successfully have a relationship with someone of a different background. It just made all the things that build a strong relationship even more important.

At the end of the day, if you can’t get past it or don’t want to get past it, you should let him go. It sound like he is looking for a serious relationship and either you aren’t or not with him. It’s not right to string someone along and make them jump thru hoops to convince you that they are worthy or “making an exception”.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are at a stage when your libido is hitting a high...it will be so in all of your 40s. Your guy who is in his 20s will be actually super happy because he will benefit from it. For all you know, he is so thankful that he has a hot woman who wants sex all the time than the girls his own age.

My tip for you is - take care of your health and body and career. Treat your man as a person who is as mature as you. Treat him as a capable person. Don't let your hangups about age ruin it. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed of being with him. Own it!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I know the age thing is my hang up and not his. I haven’t had many relationships andjust don’t want to seem desperate.We actually went out last night dinner and he surprised me with tickets to something I really wanted to see. I think I’m falling for him in spite of what my brain says. He has so much of what I want/ need in a relationship... he’s just so young. I’d be less concerned if he was even 4 years older.

As for the cougar/sex teasing we actually haven’t gotten to that part yet. Kid of taking it slow in that arena.

Remember there are no guarantees about the “goodness/rightness” of anyone. You could date a guy 4 years older but no guarantees he would be ready to commit or would be a good match. You keep saying you would be less concerned if he was 4 years older but why? Has he said he doesn’t want to get married until 30 and no kids until 35 and you are doing the math and realize that doesn’t work? Has there been something specific that makes it seems like he isn’t adulting at 24 (like he is overly dependent on his parents) and you feel on 4 years he would change on his own?

Otherwise, you are basically saying you aren’t happy with who he is and want him to change in some way, in this case to be someone older. That to me would be the same as him saying that you are a great woman but if only you were 4 years younger (big ouch). You shouldn’t date someone hoping they could be someone else. If you can’t come up with something concrete, my only other thought is are you sabotaging yourself like finding something to be wrong so you can’t get hurt or pre-determining the reasoning won’t work like him being too young.

I said 4 years because I think I’d be less shocked at dating a 28 year old. He’s not overly dependent on his parents. He’s said he wants to be married by the time he’s 28 and hopefully kids by 30 because he doesn’t want to be “ an old dad like his father “. He was born when his dad was 35 btw. He’s close to his dad though.

So he wants to have kids when he's 30. You'll be 40, are you willing to wait that long? The issue isn't the 10 year age difference, it's where you are in wanting marriage and kids, and where he likely is at 24.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I know the age thing is my hang up and not his. I haven’t had many relationships andjust don’t want to seem desperate.We actually went out last night dinner and he surprised me with tickets to something I really wanted to see. I think I’m falling for him in spite of what my brain says. He has so much of what I want/ need in a relationship... he’s just so young. I’d be less concerned if he was even 4 years older.

As for the cougar/sex teasing we actually haven’t gotten to that part yet. Kid of taking it slow in that arena.

Remember there are no guarantees about the “goodness/rightness” of anyone. You could date a guy 4 years older but no guarantees he would be ready to commit or would be a good match. You keep saying you would be less concerned if he was 4 years older but why? Has he said he doesn’t want to get married until 30 and no kids until 35 and you are doing the math and realize that doesn’t work? Has there been something specific that makes it seems like he isn’t adulting at 24 (like he is overly dependent on his parents) and you feel on 4 years he would change on his own?

Otherwise, you are basically saying you aren’t happy with who he is and want him to change in some way, in this case to be someone older. That to me would be the same as him saying that you are a great woman but if only you were 4 years younger (big ouch). You shouldn’t date someone hoping they could be someone else. If you can’t come up with something concrete, my only other thought is are you sabotaging yourself like finding something to be wrong so you can’t get hurt or pre-determining the reasoning won’t work like him being too young.

I said 4 years because I think I’d be less shocked at dating a 28 year old. He’s not overly dependent on his parents. He’s said he wants to be married by the time he’s 28 and hopefully kids by 30 because he doesn’t want to be “ an old dad like his father “. He was born when his dad was 35 btw. He’s close to his dad though.

Would he be willing to move up his time line?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Humble brag. (4 pages and I'm the first to say it?)

OP - you do you. My only concerns, based on what you've said are:
Sex - not sure how slow you mean but that's a big component and you need to see how you match up there before thinking marriage.
Babies - you want them and are feeling your clock. Will your clock line up with his marriage time line? Are you willing to have a child with him outside marriage? Will he feel pressured to move his timeline to meet yours?

Have fun but you need to answer the above questions more than he does

I get so tired of the humble brag accusations. Op doesn’t sound like she’s bragging . She sounds insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I know the age thing is my hang up and not his. I haven’t had many relationships andjust don’t want to seem desperate.We actually went out last night dinner and he surprised me with tickets to something I really wanted to see. I think I’m falling for him in spite of what my brain says. He has so much of what I want/ need in a relationship... he’s just so young. I’d be less concerned if he was even 4 years older.

As for the cougar/sex teasing we actually haven’t gotten to that part yet. Kid of taking it slow in that arena.

Why aren’t you having sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I know the age thing is my hang up and not his. I haven’t had many relationships andjust don’t want to seem desperate.We actually went out last night dinner and he surprised me with tickets to something I really wanted to see. I think I’m falling for him in spite of what my brain says. He has so much of what I want/ need in a relationship... he’s just so young. I’d be less concerned if he was even 4 years older.

As for the cougar/sex teasing we actually haven’t gotten to that part yet. Kid of taking it slow in that arena.

Why aren’t you having sex?

this. Good grief, the whole point of a 24 year guy is the sex. Taking is slow for what? You don't have time on your side OP, he does. You aren't even doing the cougar thing right!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I know the age thing is my hang up and not his. I haven’t had many relationships andjust don’t want to seem desperate.We actually went out last night dinner and he surprised me with tickets to something I really wanted to see. I think I’m falling for him in spite of what my brain says. He has so much of what I want/ need in a relationship... he’s just so young. I’d be less concerned if he was even 4 years older.

As for the cougar/sex teasing we actually haven’t gotten to that part yet. Kid of taking it slow in that arena.

Why aren’t you having sex?

this. Good grief, the whole point of a 24 year guy is the sex. Taking is slow for what? You don't have time on your side OP, he does. You aren't even doing the cougar thing right!

I hate to say it, OP, but I kinda agree with the bolded. Go for it, pronto!

FWIW, I was flipping channels last night and stumbled on this "90-day fiancé" show where people are bringing in foreign nationals into the country in order to marry them in 90 days. A 32-year-old woman from Mechanicsburg, PA, got herself a 21-year-old guy from Jamaica and is about to marry him on national television. Another woman who was 30 had a baby (!) with a 20-year-old from I-forget-where- and only afterwards was contemplating marriage. So, yeah, stranger things have happened!