Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here again - thanks - I am having a really hard year with loss of a relative and having this all happen with a baby is tough - and to figure out my DH is betraying me is tough. I worry though that I don’t have the bandwidth for a dramatic relationship flame out fight.

If I confront him I know he will get angry about me going through his browser history (I didn’t do that ever until the discovery of the emotional affair 2 years ago and now do every few months when I have a gut feeling something is wrong)

I am trying not to confront him until I know what I want — I am just so angry and repulsed I can’t even look him in the eye today though — I feel like it is so selfish and destroying of our sweet little family I thought we had — ugh

You have had a tough year, and it's been more than 1 tough year if you caught the emotional affair a couple of years ago. OP, it's OK to decide not to fight this battle now. It's OK not to confront him immediately, or even not to confront him for a year. You do what is best for you and the kid(s) at this point. I gave the long advice at 9:59 on this other thread - http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/764265.page

Read that advice. A lot of it involves just preparing yourself; things you can do without having to "decide". It's OK if you've had a tough year to wait awhile before you confront or make a decision to divorce. We all just do the best we can. Meanwhile, engage in some of the preparatory steps which you can do undetected. Build your network of support. Fortify your finances and figure out about work. Get legal advice. Then when you feel stronger you can "decide" with all the facts and preparation necessary to make a good decision/plan.

The one hard thing to handle if you decide to stay in the interim is what to do about sex. Again, the risks you take are up to you -- is there an STD risk? How do you feel emotionally about sex while you know he's fooling around? what can you do to minimize or eliminate the sex without creating other problems and forcing and end to the relationship before you're ready.

BTW, it is selfish of him. But there is nothing you can do to change him. He has shown you who he really is. Believe him and act accordingly to create a life that is safe and happy for you and your child.

[Anonymous]

NP here. There are emotional affairs that don't get physical.
Excluding any issue regarding human trafficking, with a HE, you don't have to worry about emotional attachment, so it is physical without emotion. I am not sure which is worse.

And yes, there are places in almost every corner of the DC area for such a "Massage"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The happy ending is certainly a sign of a problem in the relationship, and a serious one at that, but I for one don’t think it’s worse than an emotional affair or that it is necessarily cheating (depends on how you define cheating). The reactions here are characteristically over the top. One man’s view.

Spoken like a cheater. It's never their fault when they cheat, and there's nothing wrong with it, either.

I am a woman and I agree with the man. In my experience, men that do this might have a Complex (not sure I can write the name here) where they the wife only as the mother of the child (Madonna) and would not do what they want sexually with her and prefer to turn to prostitution (happy handing in my opinion is a soft form of prostitution). I think your DH definitely has issues. None of this is your fault, but maybe there is a way to “fix” him without breaking the marriage. The DCUM posters are being too harsh. Most men I know have been to strip clubs at some point and that is definitely a

You don’t actually seem to agree with the man. He thinks the relationship is at fault. You think the man has issues. Not really the same thing.

[Anonymous]

guy here. Posted earlier. An EA is much more threatening to the relationship than a HE. While some HE places may provide more "services", many don't. An EA is a longer term relationship with a strong emotional attraction. I have done both while married (not proud of it).

While both were filling voids in the marriage, the EA lasted about 2 years, and involved an emotional connection that sapped energy from the marriage. I am very embarrassed about that.

As for the other thing, when you have not had sex in several years, a release is nice. I do feel bad about the HE, mostly because, while it was offered to me, I am unsure if she really consented -- I can not know if she was doing the work on her own free will. Skipping that, there is no risk of anything from what I received. The only impact it has is I might not be able to perform later in the evening. But, I take the risk because I have not had sex since 2016.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:guy here. Posted earlier. An EA is much more threatening to the relationship than a HE. While some HE places may provide more "services", many don't. An EA is a longer term relationship with a strong emotional attraction. I have done both while married (not proud of it).

While both were filling voids in the marriage, the EA lasted about 2 years, and involved an emotional connection that sapped energy from the marriage. I am very embarrassed about that.

As for the other thing, when you have not had sex in several years, a release is nice. I do feel bad about the HE, mostly because, while it was offered to me, I am unsure if she really consented -- I can not know if she was doing the work on her own free will. Skipping that, there is no risk of anything from what I received. The only impact it has is I might not be able to perform later in the evening. But, I take the risk because I have not had sex since 2016.

What happened with the EA? Who broke it off? And if you were ok with getting a HE, why didn't you get physical with the person you had the emotional connection with?

[Anonymous]

OP any updates? How are you doing? I really think tht while immoral (like any form of prostitution), if all he has ever done are a few happy ending, I don’t think you should break up the marriage over this... I would be really upset too and would probably demand couple counseling...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:guy here. Posted earlier. An EA is much more threatening to the relationship than a HE. While some HE places may provide more "services", many don't. An EA is a longer term relationship with a strong emotional attraction. I have done both while married (not proud of it).

While both were filling voids in the marriage, the EA lasted about 2 years, and involved an emotional connection that sapped energy from the marriage. I am very embarrassed about that.

As for the other thing, when you have not had sex in several years, a release is nice. I do feel bad about the HE, mostly because, while it was offered to me, I am unsure if she really consented -- I can not know if she was doing the work on her own free will. Skipping that, there is no risk of anything from what I received. The only impact it has is I might not be able to perform later in the evening. But, I take the risk because I have not had sex since 2016.

What happened with the EA? Who broke it off? And if you were ok with getting a HE, why didn't you get physical with the person you had the emotional connection with?

I did. Wife found out.

Why did I not get physical? I was rationalizing the cheating. — no risk of std/preg, no cheating. Wife disagreed.

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thanks all - I think EA much more threatening than HE - I have decided that I want to make my marriage work and have not brought up the HE info. Honestly I’m thinking about what I want in the relationship...

I have a pretty high sex drive and with the baby DH and I only have sex like 2 or 3 time a month, so for me the HE gets me upset also as a lost opportunity for me to have sex... bht would I be ok with an open relationship maybe? I feel like my DH has hinted at this in the past...

Maybe it’s time to lay our cards on the table? I have been loyal — just want to have rules we agree on... if that makes sense....

We are best friends and very compatible in bed just know my DH has a secretive/dark side too...

Another EA and lies would kill me though... a physical act of sex bothers me less if there is no emotional attachment or trafficking/etc...

I don’t know...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:guy here. Posted earlier. An EA is much more threatening to the relationship than a HE. While some HE places may provide more "services", many don't. An EA is a longer term relationship with a strong emotional attraction. I have done both while married (not proud of it).

While both were filling voids in the marriage, the EA lasted about 2 years, and involved an emotional connection that sapped energy from the marriage. I am very embarrassed about that.

As for the other thing, when you have not had sex in several years, a release is nice. I do feel bad about the HE, mostly because, while it was offered to me, I am unsure if she really consented -- I can not know if she was doing the work on her own free will. Skipping that, there is no risk of anything from what I received. The only impact it has is I might not be able to perform later in the evening. But, I take the risk because I have not had sex since 2016.

What happened with the EA? Who broke it off? And if you were ok with getting a HE, why didn't you get physical with the person you had the emotional connection with?

I did. Wife found out.

Why did I not get physical? I was rationalizing the cheating. — no risk of std/preg, no cheating. Wife disagreed.

Still married? How's the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's cheating, and disgusting.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds to me like your marriage isn't very strong as it is. If there's such a sexual disconnect between you two, and you can't talk with him about these issues with him seeking outside sexual fulfillment, when you want more at home, then you have SERIOUS problems.

My DH drunkenly tried to initiate sex via text a few years ago. I found out and brought down the hammer. We did therapy, he quit drinking, I told him one more f*ck up and I would take the kids and leave, no questions asked. I told him to choose our marriage and family or being an asshole, and he chose our marriage and family. If your husband isn't willing to make that choice, then what's the point of the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Obvious troll is obvious.

C'mon people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don’t know how to confirm if this happened or not; there is another business trip coming up and I guess I want to get my ducks in order either way.

I also feel like it is not normal to do this.

I am going to start getting involved more in my church and spiritual self-care; I need to fortify myself for whatever comes next; the truth will come out... and I’d rather know the truth than live in denial.

Good God, don't let on that you know anything, act normal!

Your best bet is to hire a private detective in the city he'll be traveling to!

You'll have all of the hard evidence you'll need if & WHEN he does act on his impulses.

Since you out-earn him, hopefully you've been putting some money away in a rainy day fund?

I'm so sorry OP, though the PI route is your very best bet.

I'm a man OP, and I'm going to be blatantly honest with you here, because it sounds like you need a dose of reality.

I've known many, many types of men over the years; especially within my career. They've run the gambit from being practically holy men when it comes to respecting their wives and their families, to men I'd never want anywhere in the vacinity of my mother or sisters... like ever.

So, I have a question for you, OP.
How do you know for sure that you caught him in an "emotional affair" only?

Is the answer because they both told you so?

Look, It's clear that this guy has some major issues with impulse control when it comes to his d!ck and he doesn't give a second thought to you or your baby when he's acting on them.

Plus, you know that he's already admitted to getting a happy ending(s), right?

Well, a man that will even contemplate, let alone admit to getting a single happy ending, has questionable morality at best and absolutely zero respect for you, your child or your marriage.
You can bet with certainty that if he's crossed the threshold (so to speak) into paid sex & has even admitted to doing it once, that he's got nothing holding him back from doing it plenty of other times.

Whomever up-thread said that most men have gotten a happy- ending in a massage parlor is either a delusional wife whos been brainwashed into that, or a man who does it & doesn't see a problem with it. I can promise you OP, that's not "most" men.

Not a single one of my friends has ever paid for sex.

Most average men are disgusted at the thought of paying for sex.
This isn't only because it's a glaring reminder that the man that can't get it on his own & has to pay a woman for it, but they also think about all of the repulsive, sweaty guys who have been in that womans hands/mouth/hole before you & how you're essentially having sex with all of them, all of their STD's and diseases.
It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it.

I'm sorry ladies, I wish I could say we don't do it because of human trafficking & the sex trade industry, but that's unfortunately not a thought that goes through a man's mind, as we can be very self centered.
I'll never forget it now though, so thank you for educating me.

It takes a "special" kind of depraved guy that convinces themselves that paying for sex is either normal or that it's ok to do, especially when you're married. Because it's NOT normal OR ok to do.
If they think this is ok to do, then they usually have some questionable morals & ethics elsewhere in their lives too.

These guys have absolutely ZERO[u] respect for women & there are almost always some kind of underlying issues & experiences (from childhood, their mothers, an ex, etc) that led them to think that women are b!tches & don't deserve respect or he's a man that sex becomes about power and domination.

Either way OP, I hate to break this to you but
YOUR HUSBAND HAS ZERO RESPECT FOR WOMEN (including you).

If you already know that he hasn't denied himself this "emotional affair" or the happy endings, does this sound like a guy who would deny himself or stop himself from cheating on their wife??
Most men are ruled by fear, guilt, morals, etc when it comes to cheating... he doesn't sound like a man who's ruled by anything but his d!ck, right??

So if that's the case, does this also sound like a guy who would deny his wife sex when she initiates it?? NEVER!
Yet here you are.

If he's getting happy endings, he's paying for sex... I promise you that men like that would *NEVER * deny their wives sex when she initiates it (I can't think of a single case when a guy like this would deny himself sex when his wife initiates it, other than he's getting it somewhere else).

Your husband hasn't denied himself powerful sexual urges pertaining to other women, but he'll deny YOU sex??

I'm sorry OP, but you're living in some heavy denial right now.

He's never stopped, he's just gotten better at covering his tracks.
Whatever you found was simply a slip up.
.

Hire a Private Investigator in whatever city he's working in, OP.
Even if you do nothing with whatever evidence he finds (and let's be honest with ourselves here, ok? We all know he's definitely going to find something) at least when you *are* ready to confront him, you'll have cold, hard, indisputable evidence.
He won't be able to gaslight you into thinking that you're crazy, manipulating you (sounds like he does a good job of this) or allowing him to talk you into believing him.

Until you get cold, hard facts, you'll forever have this internal conflict & struggle going in within you (and the fact that you posted on DCUM confirms that you're torn & struggle with your decision, even though you know exactly what's been going on).

You don't need to do anything with the information the PI finds the day you get it, but you absolutely need to get it for the day that you do.

Don't miss out on an opportunity to find out who you're really married to or who you're sharing your child's home with

Unfortunately OP, it's already clear he has zero respect for you or the sanctity of your marriage, but you need to know whether he's engaging in activity that can be very harmful to you and by default, your baby.

I'm sorry if anything I've said has come across cold, but I dont think for a second that he had an "emotional" affair or that he's only had one happy ending.

You sound sweet (albeit, gullible).
You deserve to know the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don’t know how to confirm if this happened or not; there is another business trip coming up and I guess I want to get my ducks in order either way.

I also feel like it is not normal to do this.

I am going to start getting involved more in my church and spiritual self-care; I need to fortify myself for whatever comes next; the truth will come out... and I’d rather know the truth than live in denial.

Good God, don't let on that you know anything, act normal!

Your best bet is to hire a private detective in the city he'll be traveling to!

You'll have all of the hard evidence you'll need if & WHEN he does act on his impulses.

Since you out-earn him, hopefully you've been putting some money away in a rainy day fund?

I'm so sorry OP, though the PI route is your very best bet.

I'm a man OP, and I'm going to be blatantly honest with you here, because it sounds like you need a dose of reality.

I've known many, many types of men over the years; especially within my career. They've run the gambit from being practically holy men when it comes to respecting their wives and their families, to men I'd never want anywhere in the vacinity of my mother or sisters... like ever.

So, I have a question for you, OP.
How do you know for sure that you caught him in an "emotional affair" only?

Is the answer because they both told you so?

Look, It's clear that this guy has some major issues with impulse control when it comes to his d!ck and he doesn't give a second thought to you or your baby when he's acting on them.

Plus, you know that he's already admitted to getting a happy ending(s), right?

Well, a man that will even contemplate, let alone admit to getting a single happy ending, has questionable morality at best and absolutely zero respect for you, your child or your marriage.
You can bet with certainty that if he's crossed the threshold (so to speak) into paid sex & has even admitted to doing it once, that he's got nothing holding him back from doing it plenty of other times.

Whomever up-thread said that most men have gotten a happy- ending in a massage parlor is either a delusional wife whos been brainwashed into that, or a man who does it & doesn't see a problem with it. I can promise you OP, that's not "most" men.

Not a single one of my friends has ever paid for sex.

Most average men are disgusted at the thought of paying for sex.
This isn't only because it's a glaring reminder that the man that can't get it on his own & has to pay a woman for it, but they also think about all of the repulsive, sweaty guys who have been in that womans hands/mouth/hole before you & how you're essentially having sex with all of them, all of their STD's and diseases.
It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it.

I'm sorry ladies, I wish I could say we don't do it because of human trafficking & the sex trade industry, but that's unfortunately not a thought that goes through a man's mind, as we can be very self centered.
I'll never forget it now though, so thank you for educating me.

It takes a "special" kind of depraved guy that convinces themselves that paying for sex is either normal or that it's ok to do, especially when you're married. Because it's NOT normal OR ok to do.
If they think this is ok to do, then they usually have some questionable morals & ethics elsewhere in their lives too.

These guys have absolutely ZERO[u] respect for women & there are almost always some kind of underlying issues & experiences (from childhood, their mothers, an ex, etc) that led them to think that women are b!tches & don't deserve respect or he's a man that sex becomes about power and domination.

Either way OP, I hate to break this to you but
YOUR HUSBAND HAS ZERO RESPECT FOR WOMEN (including you).

If you already know that he hasn't denied himself this "emotional affair" or the happy endings, does this sound like a guy who would deny himself or stop himself from cheating on their wife??
Most men are ruled by fear, guilt, morals, etc when it comes to cheating... he doesn't sound like a man who's ruled by anything but his d!ck, right??

So if that's the case, does this also sound like a guy who would deny his wife sex when she initiates it?? NEVER!
Yet here you are.

If he's getting happy endings, he's paying for sex... I promise you that men like that would *NEVER * deny their wives sex when she initiates it (I can't think of a single case when a guy like this would deny himself sex when his wife initiates it, other than he's getting it somewhere else).

Your husband hasn't denied himself powerful sexual urges pertaining to other women, but he'll deny YOU sex??

I'm sorry OP, but you're living in some heavy denial right now.

He's never stopped, he's just gotten better at covering his tracks.
Whatever you found was simply a slip up.
.

Hire a Private Investigator in whatever city he's working in, OP.
Even if you do nothing with whatever evidence he finds (and let's be honest with ourselves here, ok? We all know he's definitely going to find something) at least when you *are* ready to confront him, you'll have cold, hard, indisputable evidence.
He won't be able to gaslight you into thinking that you're crazy, manipulating you (sounds like he does a good job of this) or allowing him to talk you into believing him.

Until you get cold, hard facts, you'll forever have this internal conflict & struggle going in within you (and the fact that you posted on DCUM confirms that you're torn & struggle with your decision, even though you know exactly what's been going on).

You don't need to do anything with the information the PI finds the day you get it, but you absolutely need to get it for the day that you do.

Don't miss out on an opportunity to find out who you're really married to or who you're sharing your child's home with

Unfortunately OP, it's already clear he has zero respect for you or the sanctity of your marriage, but you need to know whether he's engaging in activity that can be very harmful to you and by default, your baby.

I'm sorry if anything I've said has come across cold, but I dont think for a second that he had an "emotional" affair or that he's only had one happy ending.

You sound sweet (albeit, gullible).
You deserve to know the truth.

Wow. Never a truer word spoken. Thanks for your honesty.
Listen to this man op, he's giving you facts.

[Anonymous]

Op here - thanks PP this is very helpful! I probably am pretty gullible u am an incurable optimist! I want my marriage to work out - he has admitted to the EA only as far as he was caught by the husband of the EA partner who contacted me... my DH has never admitted to the HE I just know about it from his search browser history (looking for map results on how to get there and very detailed info). I have chosen not to confront but just collect info so I can try to figure out what is happening right now and find some balance...

I love my DH a lot - the EA was two years ago and we did a lot of therapy - the HE is something I just came across this week - can’t fully process it so trying to figure out boundaries of what is normal, what is not normal, what is cheating, what do I do with this info etc...


Appreciate your breaaking it down from guys perspective OP....

I don’t think my DH would ever admit if confronted about this...