Evidence he’s cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Give it a couple weeks to process and think things through. Go to an attorney and think about the options.

THEN, have a conversation with your DH. Let him fess up and see where it goes. Only you can decide if you want to reconcile or not.

[Anonymous]

Do not confront him. He will just lie, deny, and get HIS ducks in a row. Get YOUR ducks in a row, see an attorney, save some cash. Are you in VA? My lawyer was Meghan Mcrae, did a great job.

[Anonymous]

Also, do not have sex with him.

[Anonymous]

I don't support the other pps who suggested survivinginfidelity.com, I went on there when I found out about my ex cheating, and it only made matters much, much worse.

My advice to you is not to confront, chances are he'll blame you or lie.

Don't let him sleep with you. And if you think this is a deal-breaker and you want a divorce, go to a lawyer and see your options, then get your finances in a good shape, and make sure he has no access to your internet or phone history.

I'm so so sorry you're here. He'll try to manipulate you, maybe even blame this on you, don't let him. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT CONFRONT him today!!

He has the upper hand if you let him know you know about the OW. He will lie and call you crazy. And you will believe you are crazy, because you are emotional and acting crazy. But you should be acting crazy because he just blew up your life.

Get your ducks in a row. Give yourself 2-3 weeks to process things, meet with a lawyer, gather evidence, understand your finances, etc.

You also need to make the decision to confront him before or after Thanksgiving, before or after Christmas.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will survive this.

+1. This don’t let him know

Been there, OP, so sorry you have to deal with this shocker. I agree with other PPs who say not to do anything right now. If you confront him right now, he is unlikely to tell you the truth and even less likely to tell you the whole truth. He IS likely to gaslight you.

You can make a better decision when you have all the information possible, which you are not going to get from him. Document what you are seeing -- take copies of emails, texts, etc. Check the phone bill from the cell phone company and get an idea of how often she is calling/texting. Google search the number and see if you can get any info about who she is. Also check your bank account and credit cards. Use that info to figure out how much money he is spending on her and what it tells you about how long and deep this is. Start journalling what he is telling you about when and where he is and check things like find my friends or car mileage to see if story corroborates. Check computer history -- you may find evidence of other women or other problems like porn. Journal/document any drinking inside or outside the home.

Do you have to do the above? No. Frankly, it's enough that you know what you know. If you want to divorce, you are perfectly entitled to do so without any extra evidence. But, he will gaslight you (pretending that it didn't happen or it wasn't as serious as you think it was) and/or he will blame you (say that the cheating is your fault because you didn't do X, Y and Z.) This is tremendously difficult to withstand without the hard evidence and journalling to look back at.

While you begin doing this, visit a couple of lawyers for consultation. It will cost you 1-2 hours worth of their time, but it is money well spent. Don't waste the expensive time telling them all the details of the cheating. Simply tell them you know for sure your DH is cheating and you want to know your options in divorce -- custody, child support, asset split, how much it will cost, how long it will take, do you need a documented period of separation prior to divorce, do you need to have a separation agreement, etc.? They will tell you other documents to gather -- financials, taxes, mortgage equity, retirement accounts, time spent on childcare, etc.

FWIW, the cheating, whether documented or not, has no value in court. It will not affect your custody. But, depending on your DH, you may be able to use it as leverage to negotiate the child custody and support schedule you think is best for your kids. Personally, in my situation, I used it as leverage to get my then DH to move out of our home and leave the kids in my full physical custody with visitation in my home. DH never made any effort to change the custody situation, and since our particular situation involved mental illness and substance abuse in addition to infidelity, not doing 50/50 has been for the best.

Get a therapist for yourself for individual counseling only -- preferably a female who is experienced in abuse and/or betrayal trauma (infidelity often results in a kind of complex traumatic stress response). You need support for yourself through this process. You also need to decide which personal friends or family you will tell. Humans cannot and should not go thru major life upheavals like this while trying to hide them from their social network, which often provides a lot of support. Beside emotional support from friends and family, you will need their help, whether it's with babysitting, or whatever. Choose at least a couple of people that you know will be supportive of you whatever you decide and who will not blame-cast or pressure you to stay or gossip.

Infidelity is a serious form of emotional abuse. It involves repeated lying and gaslighting, manipulation, and shirking of family responsibility. We still live in a culture where women who are cheated on are blamed for not being sexy enough, attentive enough, having unreasonable expectations of fidelity, etc. Don't succumb to any of this. His cheating is not YOUR fault. If he had any problems in the marriage, then it was his responsibility to come to you express them explicitly and work on them or tell you he wanted a divorce before sleeping with other people.

It's hard that this has come out around the holidays. Personally, I would wait until after the holidays to confront him. Use that time to gather documentation and decide what you want. Enjoy the holidays with your kids. Plan fun things to do and some new traditions that you can establish around each holiday that can be carried on in future years whether you have custody on the holiday or not.

If it were me, after the holidays I would confront him with hard evidence and ask him to sign a separation agreement that includes child support and custody/visitation and move out of the joint home. It's entirely impossible to predict his reaction -- it could range from him moving in with the other woman to admitting the infidelity and begging to stay (mine did the latter which was very confusing -- he begged me to stay and not end the relationship yet at the same time continued to cheat). Use your individual therapist to help you think through how you might react to different scenarios. Personally, given what I know now, I would just ask him to sign the separation agreement and move straight to divorce. It is pretty unlikely that he will suddenly feel remorseful, and even more unlikely that he will be able to commit to the self-work necessary to save your marriage. YMMV.

About sex with your DH while you are in the quiet phase and gathering your evidence and making decisions -- this is a difficult thing to manage while you know about the infidelity. There is a wide range of ways the cheated upon spouse responds. Paradoxically, some are even more attracted to the cheating DH for a variety of reasons. For me, I need monogamy and had an explicit discussion about that with my DH prior to even living together. Once I knew he cheated, it was over for me. But, he continued to demand sex (which I had provided regularly and enjoyed prior to finding out about the infidelity). In the beginning, I consented to sex, but honestly, it felt very rape-y, and eventually I found ways to get out of it without confrontation.

Finally, if you are the kind of spouse that is monogamous, you are also probably a pretty honest person. Part of the shock of this is not only the infidelity but the repeated lying and manipulation that your DH is engaging in which creates a betrayal trauma. You may feel awkward snooping or lying to him during this quiet phase. Don't feel guilty. Trust and honesty are not givens. Ongoing trust is earned through the behavior of the recipient of that trust. You do not owe your DH any trust, any honesty, any second chances or any elevation of his needs over yours. Those things only work when they are mutual. Do what is best for you and the kids.

I know it seems hard to believe know, but I actually felt a huge relief when DH was out of the house -- even my then 4 year old noticed both how sad I had been and how much happier I was. Yes, both our kids struggled with divorce and economic deprivation. Neither of them know about the infidelity and I've always supported their relationship with him, but 10+ years later, they both have been witness to how their Dad's irresponsibility and self-absorption continue to affect them and are very glad that he is not in our lives 24/7. The kids and I definitely have a happier and healthier home.

Good luck! Keep us posted!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't support the other pps who suggested survivinginfidelity.com, I went on there when I found out about my ex cheating, and it only made matters much, much worse.

My advice to you is not to confront, chances are he'll blame you or lie.

Don't let him sleep with you. And if you think this is a deal-breaker and you want a divorce, go to a lawyer and see your options, then get your finances in a good shape, and make sure he has no access to your internet or phone history.

I'm so so sorry you're here. He'll try to manipulate you, maybe even blame this on you, don't let him. Hang in there.

What advice from that website made your situation worse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT CONFRONT him today!!

He has the upper hand if you let him know you know about the OW. He will lie and call you crazy. And you will believe you are crazy, because you are emotional and acting crazy. But you should be acting crazy because he just blew up your life.

Get your ducks in a row. Give yourself 2-3 weeks to process things, meet with a lawyer, gather evidence, understand your finances, etc.

You also need to make the decision to confront him before or after Thanksgiving, before or after Christmas.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will survive this.

+1. This don’t let him know

Been there, OP, so sorry you have to deal with this shocker. I agree with other PPs who say not to do anything right now. If you confront him right now, he is unlikely to tell you the truth and even less likely to tell you the whole truth. He IS likely to gaslight you.

You can make a better decision when you have all the information possible, which you are not going to get from him. Document what you are seeing -- take copies of emails, texts, etc. Check the phone bill from the cell phone company and get an idea of how often she is calling/texting. Google search the number and see if you can get any info about who she is. Also check your bank account and credit cards. Use that info to figure out how much money he is spending on her and what it tells you about how long and deep this is. Start journalling what he is telling you about when and where he is and check things like find my friends or car mileage to see if story corroborates. Check computer history -- you may find evidence of other women or other problems like porn. Journal/document any drinking inside or outside the home.

Do you have to do the above? No. Frankly, it's enough that you know what you know. If you want to divorce, you are perfectly entitled to do so without any extra evidence. But, he will gaslight you (pretending that it didn't happen or it wasn't as serious as you think it was) and/or he will blame you (say that the cheating is your fault because you didn't do X, Y and Z.) This is tremendously difficult to withstand without the hard evidence and journalling to look back at.

While you begin doing this, visit a couple of lawyers for consultation. It will cost you 1-2 hours worth of their time, but it is money well spent. Don't waste the expensive time telling them all the details of the cheating. Simply tell them you know for sure your DH is cheating and you want to know your options in divorce -- custody, child support, asset split, how much it will cost, how long it will take, do you need a documented period of separation prior to divorce, do you need to have a separation agreement, etc.? They will tell you other documents to gather -- financials, taxes, mortgage equity, retirement accounts, time spent on childcare, etc.

FWIW, the cheating, whether documented or not, has no value in court. It will not affect your custody. But, depending on your DH, you may be able to use it as leverage to negotiate the child custody and support schedule you think is best for your kids. Personally, in my situation, I used it as leverage to get my then DH to move out of our home and leave the kids in my full physical custody with visitation in my home. DH never made any effort to change the custody situation, and since our particular situation involved mental illness and substance abuse in addition to infidelity, not doing 50/50 has been for the best.

Get a therapist for yourself for individual counseling only -- preferably a female who is experienced in abuse and/or betrayal trauma (infidelity often results in a kind of complex traumatic stress response). You need support for yourself through this process. You also need to decide which personal friends or family you will tell. Humans cannot and should not go thru major life upheavals like this while trying to hide them from their social network, which often provides a lot of support. Beside emotional support from friends and family, you will need their help, whether it's with babysitting, or whatever. Choose at least a couple of people that you know will be supportive of you whatever you decide and who will not blame-cast or pressure you to stay or gossip.

Infidelity is a serious form of emotional abuse. It involves repeated lying and gaslighting, manipulation, and shirking of family responsibility. We still live in a culture where women who are cheated on are blamed for not being sexy enough, attentive enough, having unreasonable expectations of fidelity, etc. Don't succumb to any of this. His cheating is not YOUR fault. If he had any problems in the marriage, then it was his responsibility to come to you express them explicitly and work on them or tell you he wanted a divorce before sleeping with other people.

It's hard that this has come out around the holidays. Personally, I would wait until after the holidays to confront him. Use that time to gather documentation and decide what you want. Enjoy the holidays with your kids. Plan fun things to do and some new traditions that you can establish around each holiday that can be carried on in future years whether you have custody on the holiday or not.

If it were me, after the holidays I would confront him with hard evidence and ask him to sign a separation agreement that includes child support and custody/visitation and move out of the joint home. It's entirely impossible to predict his reaction -- it could range from him moving in with the other woman to admitting the infidelity and begging to stay (mine did the latter which was very confusing -- he begged me to stay and not end the relationship yet at the same time continued to cheat). Use your individual therapist to help you think through how you might react to different scenarios. Personally, given what I know now, I would just ask him to sign the separation agreement and move straight to divorce. It is pretty unlikely that he will suddenly feel remorseful, and even more unlikely that he will be able to commit to the self-work necessary to save your marriage. YMMV.

About sex with your DH while you are in the quiet phase and gathering your evidence and making decisions -- this is a difficult thing to manage while you know about the infidelity. There is a wide range of ways the cheated upon spouse responds. Paradoxically, some are even more attracted to the cheating DH for a variety of reasons. For me, I need monogamy and had an explicit discussion about that with my DH prior to even living together. Once I knew he cheated, it was over for me. But, he continued to demand sex (which I had provided regularly and enjoyed prior to finding out about the infidelity). In the beginning, I consented to sex, but honestly, it felt very rape-y, and eventually I found ways to get out of it without confrontation.

Finally, if you are the kind of spouse that is monogamous, you are also probably a pretty honest person. Part of the shock of this is not only the infidelity but the repeated lying and manipulation that your DH is engaging in which creates a betrayal trauma. You may feel awkward snooping or lying to him during this quiet phase. Don't feel guilty. Trust and honesty are not givens. Ongoing trust is earned through the behavior of the recipient of that trust. You do not owe your DH any trust, any honesty, any second chances or any elevation of his needs over yours. Those things only work when they are mutual. Do what is best for you and the kids.

I know it seems hard to believe know, but I actually felt a huge relief when DH was out of the house -- even my then 4 year old noticed both how sad I had been and how much happier I was. Yes, both our kids struggled with divorce and economic deprivation. Neither of them know about the infidelity and I've always supported their relationship with him, but 10+ years later, they both have been witness to how their Dad's irresponsibility and self-absorption continue to affect them and are very glad that he is not in our lives 24/7. The kids and I definitely have a happier and healthier home.

Good luck! Keep us posted!

I have not been there, but this seems like awesome advice. Major kudos to you PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT CONFRONT him today!!

He has the upper hand if you let him know you know about the OW. He will lie and call you crazy. And you will believe you are crazy, because you are emotional and acting crazy. But you should be acting crazy because he just blew up your life.

Get your ducks in a row. Give yourself 2-3 weeks to process things, meet with a lawyer, gather evidence, understand your finances, etc.

You also need to make the decision to confront him before or after Thanksgiving, before or after Christmas.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will survive this.

+1. This don’t let him know

agree. Also been there and I'm so sorry. I wish I had waited and gathered more information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have not been there, but this seems like awesome advice. Major kudos to you PP.

Ditto! I’m not OP, but thanks for taking the time to put all that down to help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT CONFRONT him today!!

He has the upper hand if you let him know you know about the OW. He will lie and call you crazy. And you will believe you are crazy, because you are emotional and acting crazy. But you should be acting crazy because he just blew up your life.

Get your ducks in a row. Give yourself 2-3 weeks to process things, meet with a lawyer, gather evidence, understand your finances, etc.

You also need to make the decision to confront him before or after Thanksgiving, before or after Christmas.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will survive this.

THIS THIS THIS. Do not say a word. Continue to monitor, collect evidence. Talk to an attorney on your own, do a lot of planning, etc. without telling him anything. As soon as you confront, he will deny and go deeper underground with it. I so wish I had this advice myself. I did everything wrong at the time in a state of shock/panic/fury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't support the other pps who suggested survivinginfidelity.com, I went on there when I found out about my ex cheating, and it only made matters much, much worse.

My advice to you is not to confront, chances are he'll blame you or lie.

Don't let him sleep with you. And if you think this is a deal-breaker and you want a divorce, go to a lawyer and see your options, then get your finances in a good shape, and make sure he has no access to your internet or phone history.

I'm so so sorry you're here. He'll try to manipulate you, maybe even blame this on you, don't let him. Hang in there.

I'm curious as to why? What made to worse for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't support the other pps who suggested survivinginfidelity.com, I went on there when I found out about my ex cheating, and it only made matters much, much worse.

My advice to you is not to confront, chances are he'll blame you or lie.

Don't let him sleep with you. And if you think this is a deal-breaker and you want a divorce, go to a lawyer and see your options, then get your finances in a good shape, and make sure he has no access to your internet or phone history.

I'm so so sorry you're here. He'll try to manipulate you, maybe even blame this on you, don't let him. Hang in there.

I'm curious as to why? What made to worse for you?

I agree. I've always told women to get your ducks in a row and don't say a thing. Once you tip him off he'll have an advantage. It's best for OP to divorce him going by everything.

[Anonymous]

WOHM or SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT CONFRONT him today!!

He has the upper hand if you let him know you know about the OW. He will lie and call you crazy. And you will believe you are crazy, because you are emotional and acting crazy. But you should be acting crazy because he just blew up your life.

Get your ducks in a row. Give yourself 2-3 weeks to process things, meet with a lawyer, gather evidence, understand your finances, etc.

You also need to make the decision to confront him before or after Thanksgiving, before or after Christmas.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will survive this.

+1. This don’t let him know

Been there, OP, so sorry you have to deal with this shocker. I agree with other PPs who say not to do anything right now. If you confront him right now, he is unlikely to tell you the truth and even less likely to tell you the whole truth. He IS likely to gaslight you.

You can make a better decision when you have all the information possible, which you are not going to get from him. Document what you are seeing -- take copies of emails, texts, etc. Check the phone bill from the cell phone company and get an idea of how often she is calling/texting. Google search the number and see if you can get any info about who she is. Also check your bank account and credit cards. Use that info to figure out how much money he is spending on her and what it tells you about how long and deep this is. Start journalling what he is telling you about when and where he is and check things like find my friends or car mileage to see if story corroborates. Check computer history -- you may find evidence of other women or other problems like porn. Journal/document any drinking inside or outside the home.

Do you have to do the above? No. Frankly, it's enough that you know what you know. If you want to divorce, you are perfectly entitled to do so without any extra evidence. But, he will gaslight you (pretending that it didn't happen or it wasn't as serious as you think it was) and/or he will blame you (say that the cheating is your fault because you didn't do X, Y and Z.) This is tremendously difficult to withstand without the hard evidence and journalling to look back at.

While you begin doing this, visit a couple of lawyers for consultation. It will cost you 1-2 hours worth of their time, but it is money well spent. Don't waste the expensive time telling them all the details of the cheating. Simply tell them you know for sure your DH is cheating and you want to know your options in divorce -- custody, child support, asset split, how much it will cost, how long it will take, do you need a documented period of separation prior to divorce, do you need to have a separation agreement, etc.? They will tell you other documents to gather -- financials, taxes, mortgage equity, retirement accounts, time spent on childcare, etc.

FWIW, the cheating, whether documented or not, has no value in court. It will not affect your custody. But, depending on your DH, you may be able to use it as leverage to negotiate the child custody and support schedule you think is best for your kids. Personally, in my situation, I used it as leverage to get my then DH to move out of our home and leave the kids in my full physical custody with visitation in my home. DH never made any effort to change the custody situation, and since our particular situation involved mental illness and substance abuse in addition to infidelity, not doing 50/50 has been for the best.

Get a therapist for yourself for individual counseling only -- preferably a female who is experienced in abuse and/or betrayal trauma (infidelity often results in a kind of complex traumatic stress response). You need support for yourself through this process. You also need to decide which personal friends or family you will tell. Humans cannot and should not go thru major life upheavals like this while trying to hide them from their social network, which often provides a lot of support. Beside emotional support from friends and family, you will need their help, whether it's with babysitting, or whatever. Choose at least a couple of people that you know will be supportive of you whatever you decide and who will not blame-cast or pressure you to stay or gossip.

Infidelity is a serious form of emotional abuse. It involves repeated lying and gaslighting, manipulation, and shirking of family responsibility. We still live in a culture where women who are cheated on are blamed for not being sexy enough, attentive enough, having unreasonable expectations of fidelity, etc. Don't succumb to any of this. His cheating is not YOUR fault. If he had any problems in the marriage, then it was his responsibility to come to you express them explicitly and work on them or tell you he wanted a divorce before sleeping with other people.

It's hard that this has come out around the holidays. Personally, I would wait until after the holidays to confront him. Use that time to gather documentation and decide what you want. Enjoy the holidays with your kids. Plan fun things to do and some new traditions that you can establish around each holiday that can be carried on in future years whether you have custody on the holiday or not.

If it were me, after the holidays I would confront him with hard evidence and ask him to sign a separation agreement that includes child support and custody/visitation and move out of the joint home. It's entirely impossible to predict his reaction -- it could range from him moving in with the other woman to admitting the infidelity and begging to stay (mine did the latter which was very confusing -- he begged me to stay and not end the relationship yet at the same time continued to cheat). Use your individual therapist to help you think through how you might react to different scenarios. Personally, given what I know now, I would just ask him to sign the separation agreement and move straight to divorce. It is pretty unlikely that he will suddenly feel remorseful, and even more unlikely that he will be able to commit to the self-work necessary to save your marriage. YMMV.

About sex with your DH while you are in the quiet phase and gathering your evidence and making decisions -- this is a difficult thing to manage while you know about the infidelity. There is a wide range of ways the cheated upon spouse responds. Paradoxically, some are even more attracted to the cheating DH for a variety of reasons. For me, I need monogamy and had an explicit discussion about that with my DH prior to even living together. Once I knew he cheated, it was over for me. But, he continued to demand sex (which I had provided regularly and enjoyed prior to finding out about the infidelity). In the beginning, I consented to sex, but honestly, it felt very rape-y, and eventually I found ways to get out of it without confrontation.

Finally, if you are the kind of spouse that is monogamous, you are also probably a pretty honest person. Part of the shock of this is not only the infidelity but the repeated lying and manipulation that your DH is engaging in which creates a betrayal trauma. You may feel awkward snooping or lying to him during this quiet phase. Don't feel guilty. Trust and honesty are not givens. Ongoing trust is earned through the behavior of the recipient of that trust. You do not owe your DH any trust, any honesty, any second chances or any elevation of his needs over yours. Those things only work when they are mutual. Do what is best for you and the kids.

I know it seems hard to believe know, but I actually felt a huge relief when DH was out of the house -- even my then 4 year old noticed both how sad I had been and how much happier I was. Yes, both our kids struggled with divorce and economic deprivation. Neither of them know about the infidelity and I've always supported their relationship with him, but 10+ years later, they both have been witness to how their Dad's irresponsibility and self-absorption continue to affect them and are very glad that he is not in our lives 24/7. The kids and I definitely have a happier and healthier home.

Good luck! Keep us posted!

You have given wonderful advice to the OP. I am sad you had to experience what you did. I hope your EX regrets his mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been there, OP, so sorry you have to deal with this shocker. I agree with other PPs who say not to do anything right now. If you confront him right now, he is unlikely to tell you the truth and even less likely to tell you the whole truth. He IS likely to gaslight you.

You can make a better decision when you have all the information possible, which you are not going to get from him. Document what you are seeing -- take copies of emails, texts, etc. Check the phone bill from the cell phone company and get an idea of how often she is calling/texting. Google search the number and see if you can get any info about who she is. Also check your bank account and credit cards. Use that info to figure out how much money he is spending on her and what it tells you about how long and deep this is. Start journalling what he is telling you about when and where he is and check things like find my friends or car mileage to see if story corroborates. Check computer history -- you may find evidence of other women or other problems like porn. Journal/document any drinking inside or outside the home.

Do you have to do the above? No. Frankly, it's enough that you know what you know. If you want to divorce, you are perfectly entitled to do so without any extra evidence. But, he will gaslight you (pretending that it didn't happen or it wasn't as serious as you think it was) and/or he will blame you (say that the cheating is your fault because you didn't do X, Y and Z.) This is tremendously difficult to withstand without the hard evidence and journalling to look back at.

While you begin doing this, visit a couple of lawyers for consultation. It will cost you 1-2 hours worth of their time, but it is money well spent. Don't waste the expensive time telling them all the details of the cheating. Simply tell them you know for sure your DH is cheating and you want to know your options in divorce -- custody, child support, asset split, how much it will cost, how long it will take, do you need a documented period of separation prior to divorce, do you need to have a separation agreement, etc.? They will tell you other documents to gather -- financials, taxes, mortgage equity, retirement accounts, time spent on childcare, etc.

FWIW, the cheating, whether documented or not, has no value in court. It will not affect your custody. But, depending on your DH, you may be able to use it as leverage to negotiate the child custody and support schedule you think is best for your kids. Personally, in my situation, I used it as leverage to get my then DH to move out of our home and leave the kids in my full physical custody with visitation in my home. DH never made any effort to change the custody situation, and since our particular situation involved mental illness and substance abuse in addition to infidelity, not doing 50/50 has been for the best.

Get a therapist for yourself for individual counseling only -- preferably a female who is experienced in abuse and/or betrayal trauma (infidelity often results in a kind of complex traumatic stress response). You need support for yourself through this process. You also need to decide which personal friends or family you will tell. Humans cannot and should not go thru major life upheavals like this while trying to hide them from their social network, which often provides a lot of support. Beside emotional support from friends and family, you will need their help, whether it's with babysitting, or whatever. Choose at least a couple of people that you know will be supportive of you whatever you decide and who will not blame-cast or pressure you to stay or gossip.

Infidelity is a serious form of emotional abuse. It involves repeated lying and gaslighting, manipulation, and shirking of family responsibility. We still live in a culture where women who are cheated on are blamed for not being sexy enough, attentive enough, having unreasonable expectations of fidelity, etc. Don't succumb to any of this. His cheating is not YOUR fault. If he had any problems in the marriage, then it was his responsibility to come to you express them explicitly and work on them or tell you he wanted a divorce before sleeping with other people.

It's hard that this has come out around the holidays. Personally, I would wait until after the holidays to confront him. Use that time to gather documentation and decide what you want. Enjoy the holidays with your kids. Plan fun things to do and some new traditions that you can establish around each holiday that can be carried on in future years whether you have custody on the holiday or not.

If it were me, after the holidays I would confront him with hard evidence and ask him to sign a separation agreement that includes child support and custody/visitation and move out of the joint home. It's entirely impossible to predict his reaction -- it could range from him moving in with the other woman to admitting the infidelity and begging to stay (mine did the latter which was very confusing -- he begged me to stay and not end the relationship yet at the same time continued to cheat). Use your individual therapist to help you think through how you might react to different scenarios. Personally, given what I know now, I would just ask him to sign the separation agreement and move straight to divorce. It is pretty unlikely that he will suddenly feel remorseful, and even more unlikely that he will be able to commit to the self-work necessary to save your marriage. YMMV.

About sex with your DH while you are in the quiet phase and gathering your evidence and making decisions -- this is a difficult thing to manage while you know about the infidelity. There is a wide range of ways the cheated upon spouse responds. Paradoxically, some are even more attracted to the cheating DH for a variety of reasons. For me, I need monogamy and had an explicit discussion about that with my DH prior to even living together. Once I knew he cheated, it was over for me. But, he continued to demand sex (which I had provided regularly and enjoyed prior to finding out about the infidelity). In the beginning, I consented to sex, but honestly, it felt very rape-y, and eventually I found ways to get out of it without confrontation.

Finally, if you are the kind of spouse that is monogamous, you are also probably a pretty honest person. Part of the shock of this is not only the infidelity but the repeated lying and manipulation that your DH is engaging in which creates a betrayal trauma. You may feel awkward snooping or lying to him during this quiet phase. Don't feel guilty. Trust and honesty are not givens. Ongoing trust is earned through the behavior of the recipient of that trust. You do not owe your DH any trust, any honesty, any second chances or any elevation of his needs over yours. Those things only work when they are mutual. Do what is best for you and the kids.

I know it seems hard to believe know, but I actually felt a huge relief when DH was out of the house -- even my then 4 year old noticed both how sad I had been and how much happier I was. Yes, both our kids struggled with divorce and economic deprivation. Neither of them know about the infidelity and I've always supported their relationship with him, but 10+ years later, they both have been witness to how their Dad's irresponsibility and self-absorption continue to affect them and are very glad that he is not in our lives 24/7. The kids and I definitely have a happier and healthier home.

Good luck! Keep us posted!

Thank you 09:59 PP. As a DH on the fence of a physical affair, I appreciate your every word. I've read it three times already and will come back and read it again I'm sure. Really powerful stuff.