I am not feeling it for my second grandchild

[Anonymous]

OP I think your self awareness alone with limit it showing you have stronger feelings for one grandchild at this point.

I am struggling with the same feelings with a niece and nephew right now. I'm hoping more individual time with them will help balance.

[Anonymous]

OP: I'm sorry the assholes found your thread. It is not in any way awful that you're more closely bonded to a child you cared for full time for the first two years of his life than a blobby infant whom you seldom see. It's different! The relationship might change over time and it might not.

I'm a nanny who's been doing this a long time and I know first hand there are some kids you fall instantly in love with and some who you grow to love over time. Sometimes you don't even realize it has happened until you're crossing the street and a car nearly hits you in the crosswalk and you throw your body in front of the stroller for instance. It will come, don't fret. It might never be the same intensity as your grandson since you didn't care for her for two years like you did him, but if you nourish it and spend time 1:1 with her, I guarantee it will come. Don't listen to the people who tell you otherwise; they have no idea what they're talking about.

[Anonymous]

My mother in law is in a similar situation in that she is a caregiver to one of her grandchildren and not to her other. She is basically my niece's second mother. But she is very clear that she loves her other granddaughter, she gives her gifts, attention and affection. even though her bond with her first granddaughter is very strong she's never giving us any indication that she's playing favorites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should feel guilty. That's horrible. If you let these feelings and preferences show outwardly, know that your grandaughter will feel it, she will be hurt, and she will remember it.

Speaking from experience.

I know this. How do I change my feelings?

Stop comparing them. Enjoy your GD for who she is! And stop relishing in your "special bond" with your grandson.

Honestly, stop being a freaking drama queen. You should be ashamed. You should work on this. And it's not hard.

[Anonymous]

I own to having similar feelings. I love my second grandchild dearly but differently. I have a special bond with the first, a kind of love I never experienced before or am likely to feel again. I have several other friends who've experienced something similar. Hard to explain.

[Anonymous]

My MIL and FIL are so obvious in their preference for my older DS than his younger sister that it is visible to them and me (my DH will not admit it). I believe it comes down to the fact that my DD is very affectionate and loving with me and this makes my MIL, who had a bad relationship with her own mother and worse one with her own daughter, feel bad. She quite visibly dislikes both me and DD and lavishes my DS with attention. You should know OP, your feelings will become apparent to both children and their parents and they will discuss and hopefully have a good sense of humor about as we do--which you could equate to laughing about it behind your back if you want to.

[Anonymous]

I think there's something biological in the grandparent bond with a grandchild that is quite shockingly intense and maybe not quite as surprising as more come along. I was certainly taken by surprise at the depth of emotion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I feel horrible about it! I love my older grandson more than life itself. I cared for him for the first two years of his life - as an unpaid nanny, I suppose - while my DD and SIL were at work. Then for the next three years, I picked him up from daycare/school once a week at noon and hung out with him thru dinner. This beautiful new grandchild is happy, easy and so beautiful — but my feelings just aren’t there after six months. I put on a show for DD but I’m really starting to worry about it!

I don’t want to give up my time once a week with my grandson and don’t have another afternoon to give to my granddaughter (I went back to teaching). When I see a notification on my phone that there are new pictures in the shared album, I am disappointed when they are pics of my granddaughter and not my grandson.

And I am a typical American mutt so no cultural hanguls about boys being more valuable. I just am so close to my grandson.

I could only admit this on a anonymous forum. Even my DH doesn’t know how guilty I feel.

Was your grandson the first? I have found that most grandparents especially if they have cared for them have a closer bond with the first grandchild. This is the case with my mom and my daughter and also my mil with her first grandson ( sil's son) I think you need to give it time and not be so hard on yourself. Hopefully, your relationship will blossom as she gets older. It won't be the same but you will love her!

[Anonymous]

OP is clearly not the most troubled person on this thread! Wow!

[Anonymous]

Babies are boring and they are also, in the beginning, strangers to us. When granddaughter develops more of a personality and you develop a shared history with her, i think your feelings will change. In the meantime, fake it til you make it.

[Anonymous]

As bad as this sounds, I feel the same. I also have been caring for my first grand baby everyday for two years.

[Anonymous]

I also don’t think this is a huge deal.. you’re just the grandparent. If it makes you feel bad then try to bond, but I don’t think the kids will really care or notice much, if at all.

[Anonymous]

I think as long as you are trying to keep things equal this will work out. My MIL prefers certain ages especially babies but really struggles with typical toddler behavior. So her favorite is who ever is not a toddler! Amongst all the rude comments are lots of people telling you the same thing, that it doesn’t matter nearly as much what you feel as what you do. I bet you can do this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Babies are boring and they are also, in the beginning, strangers to us. When granddaughter develops more of a personality and you develop a shared history with her, i think your feelings will change. In the meantime, fake it til you make it.

+1

Relationships with kids are so much more rewarding than with babies.

[Anonymous]

OP’s post was from 2018! We would love an update.

I was about to respond that her granddaughter was only 6 months and you can’t compare that to the bond she felt with her grandson, that she cared for for 5 years.

So tell us, OP, how are things going now that they are 4 and 9?