Mommy wife dynamic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm the only one who is clueless to what OP is talking about?

OP thinks her husband basically does nothing to help with the household or the kids and, instead, depends on her for everything. Despite this, her husband wants to have sex with her. She believes her lack of attraction to him has to do with his failure to accept an appropriate level of responsibility as a husband and a father. So, she resents him as a life partner and, in particular, very much does not want to have sex with him.

That's my take anyway.

... but, instead of immediately DIVORCING him like she should, she stays because he is a provider of sorts; and (as a woman) she is entirely capable of living without sex, meanwhile she takes pleasure in complaining to friends/family about her ManChild, while projecting a happy household whenever that's a more beneficial story line.

Another cliche DCUM marriage. Just so you know, men don't go long periods of time without sex. If not you, then elsewhere.
OP, if you aren't OK living with a ManChild (who is sleeping around every chance he gets) please take the necessary action to end your marriage right now. Otherwise, accept your fate and stop complaining.

In case you actually wanted advice: 1. Lower your household standards. 2. Outsource everything possible. 3. Involve the kids in doing more for themselves. 4. Redistribute "everything else" so you are not resentful. 5. Explain it to DH like he was 5 because he unfortunately sounds clueless but if you present Option A (he does all this stuff but the marriage is saved and you'd be up for regular sex) versus Option B (divorce) then most men will get onboard the A program

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriages work better with a division of responsibilities, when one partner stays home to manage the kids and the family life, and the other is the breadwinner.

Everyone would be happier in the end.

I hear husbands of SAHMs complain about the arrangement. I imagine it's hard for them to digest that they could have double the income if she worked. Sometimes I hear comments that are outright resentful. I have a lot of SAHM friends and it makes me cringe when I hear male colleagues talk like this, so I say things like "I wish I had a SAHP!" etc. But you should know that there are pressures on traditional relationships as well.

Granted, I work in BigLaw where money isn't an issue (except for those that spend wildly), but I have never once heard any of my colleagues complain about having a SAHM. Unless your DW was making well into the six figure pre-baby, the dual income is irrelevant. My friends and I absolutely appreciate how valuable it is for the family and our careers to have someone handling domestic stuff.

However, if it makes OP feel better, even men married to SAHMs weren't getting laid that often either when the kids are young (at least not by their wives). So yes, her DH needs to step up and yes that will help ease resentment but unlikely it will have any effect on her libido. Perhaps she will be willing to have sex, but willing and wanting are two different things.

[Anonymous]

Whats worse is how to get out of a mommy/wife dynamic.
Once a relationship starts down that slide, it is so hard to go back up and reframe the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whats worse is how to get out of a mommy/wife dynamic.
Once a relationship starts down that slide, it is so hard to go back up and reframe the relationship.

This was me. OP, I was in a very similar situation, and we couldn't navigate our way out of it. Despite my best efforts (and availability), DH had an affair and eventually asked for a divorce because he found the "spark" or allure with someone else. I got cast into mommy/household manager role even though I'm the breadwinner because SOMEONE has to manage all the household/kid affairs. It's really tough, particularly when the kids are young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriages work better with a division of responsibilities, when one partner stays home to manage the kids and the family life, and the other is the breadwinner.

Everyone would be happier in the end.

Gee thanks Dr. Laura

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriages work better with a division of responsibilities, when one partner stays home to manage the kids and the family life, and the other is the breadwinner.

Everyone would be happier in the end.

Um, not true, at all. I couldn't wait for maternity leave(s) to end. Marriages work better with a division of responsibilities between both family and work life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriages work better with a division of responsibilities, when one partner stays home to manage the kids and the family life, and the other is the breadwinner.

Everyone would be happier in the end.

Gee thanks Dr. Laura

I believed this as well until I gave up my career to SAH for 12 years. He traveled so much that we became work and maids and no responsibility and lavish dinners and constant drinking was more fun. Everyone in his company/career in his role was divorced. He started drinking too much and became radically verbally abusive, and I kicked him out. Hes now "fun bobby" who pops into the kind lives every other weekend, and sends a check. I'm a million times happier, back to work and making a great living, and his shitty life management skills show clearly. He's going to crash, but when he does he can't take me down with himI have SO MUCH time in my day, even as a single working mom with three kids, because I'm not covering for, picking up, and obscuring the damage done by an alcoholic asshole child.

Leave, OP. Its so much better only running the life of one adult. I'm amazed when I meet competent men now, they awe me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex is enjoyable for both people. I don't know women who don't enjoy it.

For a woman who is perpetually exhausted, given the choice between sexing the man-child and getting an extra 30 minutes of sleep, sleep will win every time.

I hear what you're saying, but here is where biology creates a disconnect. Guys like sex enough that most of them, even if exhausted and even if the woman isn't treating them very well, would still skip a half-hour of sleep to have sex.

That isn’t true. Men don’t want sex when they are exhausted either. I mean, no one was having sex in the concentration camps. What is more true is that men will not work themselves to exhaustion to take care of the children and family home, and women will.
Also, women tend to view the home as their work, hence the term “second shift.”
So, think of this more like the equivalent of working your butt off for weeks on something at work, staying there night and day, and you decide to take a break and sleep at your desk for a couple of hours. At that point, your wife comes to your work, unshowered and dressed in her finest sweatpants, and wants to have sex on your chair where you were supposed to be sleeping with your uncompleted work staring at you from the computer screen. Would you still be excited about it?

Wow, you really don't understand men at all, do you? Pro-tip: if a man doesn't want to have sex with you, it's not because he's tired, it's because he's no longer attracted to you. His attraction to you is so far gone that no amount of testosterone will bring it back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriages work better with a division of responsibilities, when one partner stays home to manage the kids and the family life, and the other is the breadwinner.

Everyone would be happier in the end.

I hear husbands of SAHMs complain about the arrangement. I imagine it's hard for them to digest that they could have double the income if she worked. Sometimes I hear comments that are outright resentful. I have a lot of SAHM friends and it makes me cringe when I hear male colleagues talk like this, so I say things like "I wish I had a SAHP!" etc. But you should know that there are pressures on traditional relationships as well.

Granted, I work in BigLaw where money isn't an issue (except for those that spend wildly), but I have never once heard any of my colleagues complain about having a SAHM. Unless your DW was making well into the six figure pre-baby, the dual income is irrelevant. My friends and I absolutely appreciate how valuable it is for the family and our careers to have someone handling domestic stuff.

However, if it makes OP feel better, even men married to SAHMs weren't getting laid that often either when the kids are young (at least not by their wives). So yes, her DH needs to step up and yes that will help ease resentment but unlikely it will have any effect on her libido. Perhaps she will be willing to have sex, but willing and wanting are two different things.

I have never heard anyone complain about this either. I’m a physician, so I hear about complaints and domestic problems in all walks of life, but I’ve never heard a man complain that his wife stays home and raises their children. Now, I have had plenty ask me why I’m not at home, and plenty complain when their wives aren’t actually taking care of the kids, but not that she is at home raising kids instead of hiring a nanny and going to work.
I don’t know about sex. I have only had one man complain that his wife wouldn’t have sex with him. And he was a terribly narcissistic man who had married a beautiful, but damaged, woman who used sex like a weapon. Otherwise, most people seemed content. Or at least content enough not to whine to their doctor about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you do nothing proactive for the house and family, need constant reminders to do basic stuff for the kids or yard, leave messes all around, are clueless about the kids' schedule/school/friends/sports, have never taught your kids a thing except an imagination game here and there, and you often need others to fix what you do manage to start.

Created a whole Mommy/Son dynamic in your marriage. You both work FT, same income each.

And then you turn around and want to have sex at night with your Mommy Wife? Is any of this supposed to be attractive to her? What is she supposed to do with you? Just let you tag along year after year after year?

I could have written this. Staying because co-parenting would be even worse.

a very dumb reason to stay, especially to stay if you're not truly working on anything.

[Anonymous]

When well rested in the morning, initiate morning sex. Later leave a note or send a text with a friendly request to clean up the kitchen or whatever needs being done. See if it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you do nothing proactive for the house and family, need constant reminders to do basic stuff for the kids or yard, leave messes all around, are clueless about the kids' schedule/school/friends/sports, have never taught your kids a thing except an imagination game here and there, and you often need others to fix what you do manage to start.

Created a whole Mommy/Son dynamic in your marriage. You both work FT, same income each.

And then you turn around and want to have sex at night with your Mommy Wife? Is any of this supposed to be attractive to her? What is she supposed to do with you? Just let you tag along year after year after year?

I could have written this. Staying because co-parenting would be even worse.

a very dumb reason to stay, especially to stay if you're not truly working on anything.

Even dumber is the delusion that he’s not sleeping around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you knowingly married a Beta, hoping he would start acting like an Alpha. Not gonna happen. You knew what you were getting when you decided to buy the little helpless useless goat. I'm sure at some point you enjoyed being able to boss him around and probably thought it was cute, till you had kids and reality kicked in.

Now go fix him a glass of milk to go with his cookies and crustless sandwich.

Yeah, tell him this. He’d prob blow a gasket.

[Anonymous]

I would just get a divorce vs. live w/a perpetual man-child.

Life really is not as long as you would like to think it is.

If you can snag eighty years of life on this planet -
You are one of the lucky few.

You have an a%#hole.
Why have another one??!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just get a divorce vs. live w/a perpetual man-child.

Life really is not as long as you would like to think it is.

If you can snag eighty years of life on this planet -
You are one of the lucky few.

You have an a%#hole.
Why have another one??!

Hmmm