I only want to go if they pay...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what my parents do - say they are dying to go on a family vacation and then pick something that interests them and is often inconvenient for others, then expect us to pay (although they certainly have the money to treat us all).

In your situation, I told my parents we would love to join but are already planning a trip to London to visit friends (which was true) so unfortunately it’s not in our budget for next year. That gave them a clear opportunity to offer to pay, but they didn’t so we didn’t go.

You should try the same. Just tell them you’ve already planned/committed to something else and give them the hint.

Are you not embarassed to accept money from your parents or inlaws now that you are an adult? I would be. In my culture we pay for our parents and inlaws once they get older, even if we are not as wealthy as them. Just a sign of respect for our parents they have done for us.

Oh, so in your culture you also disclaim any inheritance, because you don't take money from your parents as an adult?

No?

Then pipe down. It all ends up as a wash.

No, inheritance is fine because the parents are already dead by then. We don’t take ourboarents’ money when they are alive and can spend it on themselves.

My dad would say he would rather see me more often while he is alive than pay for a new kitchen when he is dead.

He lives in a place with very expensive air tickets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what my parents do - say they are dying to go on a family vacation and then pick something that interests them and is often inconvenient for others, then expect us to pay (although they certainly have the money to treat us all).
...

Are you not embarassed to accept money from your parents or inlaws now that you are an adult? I would be. In my culture we pay for our parents and inlaws once they get older, even if we are not as wealthy as them. Just a sign of respect for our parents they have done for us.

Oh, so in your culture you also disclaim any inheritance, because you don't take money from your parents as an adult?

No?

Then pipe down. It all ends up as a wash.

No, inheritance is fine because the parents are already dead by then. We don’t take ourboarents’ money when they are alive and can spend it on themselves.

My dad would say he would rather see me more often while he is alive than pay for a new kitchen when he is dead.

He lives in a place with very expensive air tickets.

Let's stop here. This is the USA. Throughout my long life [I'm the mom of adult children] I've known many people who came here from a plethora of other countries. As peers and parents of my peers. If my kids need a new car or home reno or want a reasonable vacation whatever and don't have the cash am I supposed to squat on my money? That is ludicrous. I'm supposed to take money from young adults for what?

If they have a frickin old sofa and the frame collapses I can't give them money to put together some stuff from Ikea or order from a macy's or Belfort? That doesn't make them disrespectful or leaches. I'd be a rude b1tch to not help or to attach strings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what my parents do - say they are dying to go on a family vacation and then pick something that interests them and is often inconvenient for others, then expect us to pay (although they certainly have the money to treat us all).
...

Are you not embarassed to accept money from your parents or inlaws now that you are an adult? I would be. In my culture we pay for our parents and inlaws once they get older, even if we are not as wealthy as them. Just a sign of respect for our parents they have done for us.

Oh, so in your culture you also disclaim any inheritance, because you don't take money from your parents as an adult?

No?

Then pipe down. It all ends up as a wash.

No, inheritance is fine because the parents are already dead by then. We don’t take ourboarents’ money when they are alive and can spend it on themselves.

My dad would say he would rather see me more often while he is alive than pay for a new kitchen when he is dead.

He lives in a place with very expensive air tickets.

Let's stop here. This is the USA. Throughout my long life [I'm the mom of adult children] I've known many people who came here from a plethora of other countries. As peers and parents of my peers. If my kids need a new car or home reno or want a reasonable vacation whatever and don't have the cash am I supposed to squat on my money? That is ludicrous. I'm supposed to take money from young adults for what?

If they have a frickin old sofa and the frame collapses I can't give them money to put together some stuff from Ikea or order from a macy's or Belfort? That doesn't make them disrespectful or leaches. I'd be a rude b1tch to not help or to attach strings.

Vacations are never a need. Asking anyone to pay for a luxury item just because you'd rather not part with your own money is pretty tacky. Feel however you want, but in my opinion you'd be better off letting your kids manage on their own, as adults. Help in an emergency, sure, but an ugly countertop, old car, or goodwill sofa is not an emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what my parents do - say they are dying to go on a family vacation and then pick something that interests them and is often inconvenient for others, then expect us to pay (although they certainly have the money to treat us all).

In your situation, I told my parents we would love to join but are already planning a trip to London to visit friends (which was true) so unfortunately it’s not in our budget for next year. That gave them a clear opportunity to offer to pay, but they didn’t so we didn’t go.

You should try the same. Just tell them you’ve already planned/committed to something else and give them the hint.

Are you not embarassed to accept money from your parents or inlaws now that you are an adult? I would be. In my culture we pay for our parents and inlaws once they get older, even if we are not as wealthy as them. Just a sign of respect for our parents they have done for us.

Oh, so in your culture you also disclaim any inheritance, because you don't take money from your parents as an adult?

No?

Then pipe down. It all ends up as a wash.

No, inheritance is fine because the parents are already dead by then. We don’t take ourboarents’ money when they are alive and can spend it on themselves.

For a lot of parents, spending money taking their kids and grandkids on vacation is spending the money on themselves in that it makes them happy and allows them to dictate the vacation. My parents do not do (even though they could easily afford to) this but I think it is lovely when other families do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what my parents do - say they are dying to go on a family vacation and then pick something that interests them and is often inconvenient for others, then expect us to pay (although they certainly have the money to treat us all).

In your situation, I told my parents we would love to join but are already planning a trip to London to visit friends (which was true) so unfortunately it’s not in our budget for next year. That gave them a clear opportunity to offer to pay, but they didn’t so we didn’t go.

You should try the same. Just tell them you’ve already planned/committed to something else and give them the hint.

Yes to this. Give them the chance to offer to pay. If they don't, then don't go. Honestly, even if they did pay it won't be free because surely you'll have to buy clothes or other things for the trip, your kids will want souvenirs, etc. Plus, you have to take vacation time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with “It’s not in the budget.”

That gives them an in and you an out.

The problem with this is that they'll get their feelings hurt when OP and her family go to Europe instead.

If she says, "we're saving for a trip to Europe," then in-laws can offer to pay for Disney, offer to got to Europe with them instead, or come up with another plan. The truth is generally your best bet.

+1. I'd be honest. Because they'd be likely to bring it up another time and you'd have to come up with another excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what my parents do - say they are dying to go on a family vacation and then pick something that interests them and is often inconvenient for others, then expect us to pay (although they certainly have the money to treat us all).

In your situation, I told my parents we would love to join but are already planning a trip to London to visit friends (which was true) so unfortunately it’s not in our budget for next year. That gave them a clear opportunity to offer to pay, but they didn’t so we didn’t go.

You should try the same. Just tell them you’ve already planned/committed to something else and give them the hint.

Are you not embarassed to accept money from your parents or inlaws now that you are an adult? I would be. In my culture we pay for our parents and inlaws once they get older, even if we are not as wealthy as them. Just a sign of respect for our parents they have done for us.

I'm with you on this one. At some point you have to grow up, pay your own way and have some dignity. I'm about as American as it gets.

Eh, I don't think it's as black and white as this. For me it depends a bit on the circumstances. My parents don't have a lot of money and we would never dream of expecting them to pay for a trip- when we do travel as a family (which isn't very often), everyone pays their own way. Thus far it has been somewhere everyone can agree on, I have no interest in a cruise myself but thankfully my parents don't care for them either.

My ILs, OTOH, are fairly well off and are very generous. They previously had a beach time share and sold it a few years ago and wanted to use the money from the sale to treat the family to occasional vacations. They usually pick the destination but do solicit some input. Honestly they'd have been insulted if we had insisted on paying for "our share" of the beach house they rented last summer. But we at least try to pay for dinner one night or get them something as a thank you.

I do think my SIL takes advantage of their generosity sometimes however. A few years ago, DH and I travelled to Italy and ILs decided to join for part of the trip. They (very generously) paid for SIL/BIL to fly over as well and paid for the apartment we rented in Rome. One night when it was just DH, SIL, BIL and I out for dinner, she revealed that she and BIL had brought NO cash or credit card on the trip- she had automatically assumed her parents would pay for absolutely everything! She also was pushing for years for a family vacation (paid by her parents) to Colorado to ski in the winter, even though my ILs are well beyond their skiing years and really had no interest. It was so weird to me. She hasn't brought it up in a while so maybe she finally got the hint that it wasn't going to happen (on their dime anyway).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for another inlaw vacation thread...

Inlaws have been dropping heavy hints about wanting to go with us on a Disney Cruise.

I’m not totally opposed but this is not my first, second or even third choice vacation. We have been saving to go somewhere in Europe.

They have a lot more money than us but seem to be implying we’d go Dutch. I’m. I’m not upset or offended if they don’t want to pay for us, but don’t really want to go if we have to pay, KWIM?

Do we just say no thanks?

Just say you're saving up for a different vacation, thanks tho. QED.

Half the families on the Alaska Disney cruise had grandparents paying for everyone, the other half was dutch grandparents, Brother's family, Sister's family, etc.

[Anonymous]

Many grandparents like to gift experiences and not items. Or both.

Let them, fun memories are great. and you only have so many years of your kids at home or your parents healthy.

[Anonymous]

Will you people stop using GIFT as a verb? Ugh.

Saying gift accomplishes nothing more than saying "give."

"My MIL gave us a car." Why GIFT? This isn't the Oscars "gifting" suite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will you people stop using GIFT as a verb? Ugh.

Saying gift accomplishes nothing more than saying "give."

"My MIL gave us a car." Why GIFT? This isn't the Oscars "gifting" suite.

I don't know, maybe people like feeling as if they are 'gifted'. They are the same people who would never use 'us' in that sentence. They'd say "My MIL gifted a car to my DH and I". Its awful, but they do it anyway.

[Anonymous]

My parents and inlaws are definitely in the camp of they want to pay for things, vacations or kitchens it doesn't matter, now. They have worked hard all of their lives and view this act of spending on their families as their reward. Now this is also balanced by quite a bit of frugality because they were each born right around/after the Great Depression and WWII so it isn't like they are spendthrifts but it does mean that they receive an enjoyment that their grandparents didn't have. However my family works, though, I also know that other families are different. There is no one "right" way.

OP, I would encourage you to accept a gift to a Disney cruise or Disney World if your parents or inlaws (I forgot which) offer it. I am not a huge fan of either but our children LOVED the experiences and 10-15 years later still talk about both as being fabulous times.

If your children are old enough and your parents fit enough perhaps this experience would even be a "special" trip with just grandkids and grandparents! Honestly, our kids had so much fun that if I would even encourage you to pay for the experience and have your children and parents go alone. IMO it was a priceless experience regardless of who paid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't vacation with my inlaws, so I'd suck it up and go. It's becoming apparent to me that they won't be in wonderful health forever, so we may as well have pretty pictures of them splashing in a pool with their grandkids to look back on.

. Ya know, every year for 20 years I’ve heard about how we *really* need to go to abuelita’s bday party in (country) because hey, she’s not going to live forever! And she’ll be 100 soon. Just saying..,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what my parents do - say they are dying to go on a family vacation and then pick something that interests them and is often inconvenient for others, then expect us to pay (although they certainly have the money to treat us all).
...

Are you not embarassed to accept money from your parents or inlaws now that you are an adult? I would be. In my culture we pay for our parents and inlaws once they get older, even if we are not as wealthy as them. Just a sign of respect for our parents they have done for us.

Oh, so in your culture you also disclaim any inheritance, because you don't take money from your parents as an adult?

No?

Then pipe down. It all ends up as a wash.

No, inheritance is fine because the parents are already dead by then. We don’t take ourboarents’ money when they are alive and can spend it on themselves.

My dad would say he would rather see me more often while he is alive than pay for a new kitchen when he is dead.

He lives in a place with very expensive air tickets.

Let's stop here. This is the USA. Throughout my long life [I'm the mom of adult children] I've known many people who came here from a plethora of other countries. As peers and parents of my peers. If my kids need a new car or home reno or want a reasonable vacation whatever and don't have the cash am I supposed to squat on my money? That is ludicrous. I'm supposed to take money from young adults for what?

If they have a frickin old sofa and the frame collapses I can't give them money to put together some stuff from Ikea or order from a macy's or Belfort? That doesn't make them disrespectful or leaches. I'd be a rude b1tch to not help or to attach strings.

Vacations are never a need. Asking anyone to pay for a luxury item just because you'd rather not part with your own money is pretty tacky. Feel however you want, but in my opinion you'd be better off letting your kids manage on their own, as adults. Help in an emergency, sure, but an ugly countertop, old car, or goodwill sofa is not an emergency.

I think you missed the part about him enjoying seeing me and my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will you people stop using GIFT as a verb? Ugh.

Saying gift accomplishes nothing more than saying "give."

"My MIL gave us a car." Why GIFT? This isn't the Oscars "gifting" suite.

It is a new pretention. "Gift" can be used as a verb in a tax planning context. Here it is just pretention.