I only want to go if they pay...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what my parents do - say they are dying to go on a family vacation and then pick something that interests them and is often inconvenient for others, then expect us to pay (although they certainly have the money to treat us all).
...

Are you not embarassed to accept money from your parents or inlaws now that you are an adult? I would be. In my culture we pay for our parents and inlaws once they get older, even if we are not as wealthy as them. Just a sign of respect for our parents they have done for us.

Oh, so in your culture you also disclaim any inheritance, because you don't take money from your parents as an adult?

No?

Then pipe down. It all ends up as a wash.

No, inheritance is fine because the parents are already dead by then. We don’t take ourboarents’ money when they are alive and can spend it on themselves.

My dad would say he would rather see me more often while he is alive than pay for a new kitchen when he is dead.

He lives in a place with very expensive air tickets.

Let's stop here. This is the USA. Throughout my long life [I'm the mom of adult children] I've known many people who came here from a plethora of other countries. As peers and parents of my peers. If my kids need a new car or home reno or want a reasonable vacation whatever and don't have the cash am I supposed to squat on my money? That is ludicrous. I'm supposed to take money from young adults for what?

If they have a frickin old sofa and the frame collapses I can't give them money to put together some stuff from Ikea or order from a macy's or Belfort? That doesn't make them disrespectful or leaches. I'd be a rude b1tch to not help or to attach strings.

Vacations are never a need. Asking anyone to pay for a luxury item just because you'd rather not part with your own money is pretty tacky. Feel however you want, but in my opinion you'd be better off letting your kids manage on their own, as adults. Help in an emergency, sure, but an ugly countertop, old car, or goodwill sofa is not an emergency.

I think you
missed the part about him enjoying seeing me and my kids.

The adult children that you are buying furniture and cars for? Yeah, of you can renovate your kids' houses you can buy a plane ticket for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Hah I went on an expensive vacation that was completely planned and booked by the inlaws to a place we asked to not go to. We got the bill. I was so shocked. The hotel was 3x what it was on Priceline or hotels.com. They didn't know how to shop around or book online. We couldn't even afford it. Next time we were invited to come along we definitely said no.

My parents also believe in us paying but we go to amazing places like Istanbul or Zion or Germany and they are extremely helpful with kids. We're willing to pay when we get a say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with “It’s not in the budget.”

That gives them an in and you an out.

The problem with this is that they'll get their feelings hurt when OP and her family go to Europe instead.

If she says, "we're saving for a trip to Europe," then in-laws can offer to pay for Disney, offer to got to Europe with them instead, or come up with another plan. The truth is generally your best bet.

What the most recent poster said. If you say not in your budget, they will be confused or offended when you go to Europe. Be upfront: "We are actually saving for a trip to Europe, so we don't have room in the budget for another big vacation." Then they have a chance to offer to pay (since you said you would go if they paid) or not offer (so you don't go). If you don't want to vacation with them at all, say "we are saving for a trip to Europe, and budgeting both money and vacation time off for that, so we don't have more vacation time for another big trip."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will you people stop using GIFT as a verb? Ugh.

Saying gift accomplishes nothing more than saying "give."

"My MIL gave us a car." Why GIFT? This isn't the Oscars "gifting" suite.

Our parents gift us an envelope for Xmas and the same to my siblings family with a choice of one of 3 weeks paid to a caribbean destination or Disney with them. They want to enjoy themselves, their kids and their grandkids.
We are american, so they do not have that Old Country mentality that they get all giddy that their adult child & his/her spouse raising kids in pricey Washington DC are going to pay for all their food, flights and lodging everytime we all get together. My dad will fight to pay any bills or at least half of them. They know we have decades of increasing expenses and they do not want to be a burden. Thus they saved their money, have long-term HC policies in place, and gift whatever they want while they enjoy their modest retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what my parents do - say they are dying to go on a family vacation and then pick something that interests them and is often inconvenient for others, then expect us to pay (although they certainly have the money to treat us all).

In your situation, I told my parents we would love to join but are already planning a trip to London to visit friends (which was true) so unfortunately it’s not in our budget for next year. That gave them a clear opportunity to offer to pay, but they didn’t so we didn’t go.

You should try the same. Just tell them you’ve already planned/committed to something else and give them the hint.

Are you not embarassed to accept money from your parents or inlaws now that you are an adult? I would be. In my culture we pay for our parents and inlaws once they get older, even if we are not as wealthy as them. Just a sign of respect for our parents they have done for us.

Oh, so in your culture you also disclaim any inheritance, because you don't take money from your parents as an adult?

No?

Then pipe down. It all ends up as a wash.

+1

+1

Yeah, I cannot wait for my daughters to marry and be working and raising children so she can pay for my visits, meals, admission tickets. Yeah, that's definitely my plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will you people stop using GIFT as a verb? Ugh.

Saying gift accomplishes nothing more than saying "give."

"My MIL gave us a car." Why GIFT? This isn't the Oscars "gifting" suite.

Our parents gift us an envelope for Xmas and the same to my siblings family with a choice of one of 3 weeks paid to a caribbean destination or Disney with them. They want to enjoy themselves, their kids and their grandkids.
We are american, so they do not have that Old Country mentality that they get all giddy that their adult child & his/her spouse raising kids in pricey Washington DC are going to pay for all their food, flights and lodging everytime we all get together. My dad will fight to pay any bills or at least half of them. They know we have decades of increasing expenses and they do not want to be a burden. Thus they saved their money, have long-term HC policies in place, and gift whatever they want while they enjoy their modest retirement.

What's your point to the comment you are quoting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hah I went on an expensive vacation that was completely planned and booked by the inlaws to a place we asked to not go to. We got the bill. I was so shocked. The hotel was 3x what it was on Priceline or hotels.com. They didn't know how to shop around or book online. We couldn't even afford it. Next time we were invited to come along we definitely said no.

My parents also believe in us paying but we go to amazing places like Istanbul or Zion or Germany and they are extremely helpful with kids. We're willing to pay when we get a say.

This is on you. Why would you agree to know without first determining:
1) Who was paying for what?
2) Exactly what the costs were for big-ticket items like hotels?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't vacation with my inlaws, so I'd suck it up and go. It's becoming apparent to me that they won't be in wonderful health forever, so we may as well have pretty pictures of them splashing in a pool with their grandkids to look back on.

NO NO NO Please, do not force (or even ask) for them to take a picture or go in the pool
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/737724.page