Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
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Anonymous
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My mother did this. Completely.
She did give me a used car at 16-- because she wanted my sibling and I to have jobs, so there needed to be a chauffeur. I was also required to grocery shop, run errands etc. (And even when she was home, she didn't want me using her car.) She helped me A LOT identifying colleges that would likely give me scholarships etc. and encouraged me to save from the job above. So, I got into a great college, got a lot of scholarship $$ and took out loans. She paid a small part-- mostly from the money I was required to save. I appreciated her help but did not appreciate hearing all of the time how she paid for college. (I was even required to pay for my own books, toiletries etc.) She would then talk about how she helped with my kids. (She gave them a $100/year with strict instructions that it be saved and babysat three times.) When called out on that.... she said that was my fault because I didn't live closer. (She retired early, before I had kids.) Lots of history rewriting. I am a Gen-Xer so my parents did not do a ton for me. To answer the previous poster's "inquiry".... I was indeed "abused" in that their smoking caused me to have extreme health problems. After finishing kindergarten in the pediatric ICU, I clearly remember the doctor telling them that they could NOT smoke in the car, with me in the same room etc. They nodded. My mom lit up in the car no more than several miles from the hospital after I was let out of ICU. Now, I have the privilege of spending LOTS of money to try to manage said health issues, miss work, miss fun activities etc. Reality is-- we all do some re-writing. When it's our parents, it hurts. |
Anonymous
| My dad likes to rewrite history about how he was very involved parent. he was pretty engaged when I was a little kid when I was around 12 and then he just was almost completely checked out from parent I would just hide out in his study most of the time. I think he just did not like Parenting teenagers |
Anonymous
| Omg I’m just getting home from a family vacation where I thought I was in the twilight zone listening to my mother rewrite my childhood. I’m so glad I’m not alone here! |
Anonymous
| We were poor and I understand why I didn’t get much. My kids would probably never believe it based on their relationship with my mother now. What gets me, though, is the rewritten history of a happy family growing up. It was not. No one ever asked me about my feelings. Everrrrrr. No one helped me with anything or taught me things a kid needs to learn as they grow up. Kids today are treated, as they should be, like small people. Not like they are invisible or pain in the ass pieces of furniture. |
Anonymous
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No. My parents provided used cars for their teenagers to get to/from work. They also paid for our college, kept a roof over our head, bought us clothes and took us on long weekend vacations. My parents never took even a weekend trip away together, they rarely went out to dinner just the two of them. We were never left with grandparents or other relatives. They had 4 kids and there wasn't a ton of extra money, pretty much no activities for any of us but they identified their priorities from early on and i think they did the best with what they had. No need to rewrite history.
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Anonymous
Wow - how fortunate! I think the parents who try to rewrite history are more selfish, and know that they screwed up. You were lucky that was not the case, for you. |
Anonymous
| My DH's mother was terrible about this. DH grew up poor. One time we were visiting his mom, and she was telling me about why she was estranged from DH's sister: that the sister was always jealous about this or that, including how spoiled my DH was as a kid. His mom told me about how DH was on a sports team at the Y, and the coach set up a tour through europe for them, and the sister was so jealous because his mom paid for him to go to europe. I thought: what a nice story because i know that must have been tough for them back in the 80s. And DH doesn't have many happy stories from childhood. So i brought it up with my DH later, and he looked like someone had punched him in the gut. He said that he busted his butt fundraising for that (very cheap - staying at exchange families, etc) trip, including asking local businesses. He had a sports doctor because of some injuries from said sport, and that doctor gave him $500 (!!!) for the trip. In 1987. His mom, he thinks, gave him maybe $50. DH had a pretty bitter relationship with his mom, who was neither financially nor emotionally supportive (as demonstrated by her revisionist parenting history). |
Anonymous
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What gets me more than the rewriting of the history, is that my mom loves to tell stories consistent with her version.... versions in which I always come off kinda dumb.
I know that my son and I don't agree about how certain events transpired, and maybe he thinks I rewrote. So, I don't mention those stories in public. Ever. No point in creating tension. Not sure why my mom does what she does, unless it is to get under my skin. I get under my kid's skin plenty, but I try my best not to. |
Anonymous
+1 Sometimes siblings do this, especially if they are an older sibling threatened by a younger siblings' success. |
Anonymous
This is likely a social class thing, and elderly parents should be happy if their kids and grandkids have it better than they did. I however, have a similar situation as OP but due to my H being from Europe. He and his parents are totally unfamiliar with camps, travel sports, college application processes, and the costs of everything. They are clueless and it's become a big burden on me. We both work FT and I have to literally do everything on the homefront and kids. And I always laugh inside when H or his father pretend they play tennis or ski despite never taking a lesson or spending more than a handful of days doing either. They are upfront about never taking vacations: "Hotel vacations are a waste of money when you can just house-guest, sleep and eat at a relative's house for a month." |
Anonymous
No rewriting done for me or my brother, we're both 40 and parents now 70s. If anything they are complimentary but do think we worked too hard and took HS too seriously, but accomplished a lot at the same time. Gramps just says, we did our best and tried to listen to you. You would unload and then go get your stuff done. |
Anonymous
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My parents were asocial and thus had no idea what normal parenting looked like. I lived a hermit's life, basically, and only socialized at school. God forbid I had a semblance of a life outside of school. I was not allowed to see my friends, go anywhere, or have any kind of activity, apart from piano, a very solitary sport. Borderline abusive. I tried to talk to them about it once. It did not go over well. |
Anonymous
This is the PP. Yeah and sometimes there may be more than one truth. I get that. The only part that really gets me is the continued need to tell the stories when I'm obviously uncomfortable. I know how it makes me feel. A time or two I've caught myself when my son has felt like the "victim of alternative truths." Each time, I just shut up and make a mental note to drop that story from those I tell. I don't do everything right as a parent, but I do try not to make my kid uncomfortable for reasons related to my own ego. |
Anonymous
How are you parenting nowadays? My spouse had a similar situation but because his father had severe ADHD almost to the point of being a social liability or dangerous in public or private or parenting situations. DH is only now addressing his family of origin issues and doesn't know what to make of his parents or their relationship. |
Anonymous
+1 I would love to know this, also. DH tells me that they never had friends to their house, except for maybe birthday parties, when they were in elementary, and that was only a couple children, mostly from the neighborhood. So sad to me, I feel like he missed out a lot. Seeing his family, you can kind of tell that something is up with the parents. My DH has a hard time addressing it, but he absolutely knows that his family is not normal. My family was the opposite, friends and family were in and out daily, a very social, outgoing house. How did you get your husband to address it? |