Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That has not been my experience because my parents provided as much, if not more, than today’s parents. They set a high bar to follow. ?

Depends. I think OP is referring to the parents who do not set a high bar. They exist. That is what this thread is about.

[Anonymous]

I had to double check to make sure we don't have the same parents OP!

[Anonymous]

My parents do something a bit different. They were extraordinarily frugal despite being reasonably well off. They did pay for college tuition/room/board totally for which I am very grateful, but just about nothing else in high school and college. They also did not encourage us to get jobs in high school.

The thing they do now is encourage us to cater to every whim of their grandkids. It is bizarre considering how little they catered to us!!

[Anonymous]

I think it's pretty common human nature to view the past with rose-colored glasses and to change memories to paint yourself in a better light. Like grandparents who exclaim over their grandkids who wake up at night, insisting that their kids never did that! Also their kids walked at 6 mos and were talking in sentences at 12 mos.

My DH does this with regard to recent history, particularly with regard to parenting, and it drives me insane. I did 100% of the daycare dropoffs and pickups for one kid for example. I am quite sure of this -- I remember it and I remember the daycare teachers asking me what he was like because they had never met him. He insists now that he did quite a bit of dropping off and picking up. Really DH? It's not even old history - I remember what happened 3 years ago! I can't tell if he knows he's wrong or he really has rewritten it in his mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's pretty common human nature to view the past with rose-colored glasses and to change memories to paint yourself in a better light. Like grandparents who exclaim over their grandkids who wake up at night, insisting that their kids never did that! Also their kids walked at 6 mos and were talking in sentences at 12 mos.

My DH does this with regard to recent history, particularly with regard to parenting, and it drives me insane. I did 100% of the daycare dropoffs and pickups for one kid for example. I am quite sure of this -- I remember it and I remember the daycare teachers asking me what he was like because they had never met him. He insists now that he did quite a bit of dropping off and picking up. Really DH? It's not even old history - I remember what happened 3 years ago! I can't tell if he knows he's wrong or he really has rewritten it in his mind.

I think people re write and remember what they want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's pretty common human nature to view the past with rose-colored glasses and to change memories to paint yourself in a better light. Like grandparents who exclaim over their grandkids who wake up at night, insisting that their kids never did that! Also their kids walked at 6 mos and were talking in sentences at 12 mos.

My DH does this with regard to recent history, particularly with regard to parenting, and it drives me insane. I did 100% of the daycare dropoffs and pickups for one kid for example. I am quite sure of this -- I remember it and I remember the daycare teachers asking me what he was like because they had never met him. He insists now that he did quite a bit of dropping off and picking up. Really DH? It's not even old history - I remember what happened 3 years ago! I can't tell if he knows he's wrong or he really has rewritten it in his mind.

I think people re write and remember what they want to.

+1 particularly so that it paints them in a better light. I have a friend that rewrites the end of every relationship so that it doesn’t look like she cheats on every guy she dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's pretty common human nature to view the past with rose-colored glasses and to change memories to paint yourself in a better light. Like grandparents who exclaim over their grandkids who wake up at night, insisting that their kids never did that! Also their kids walked at 6 mos and were talking in sentences at 12 mos.

My DH does this with regard to recent history, particularly with regard to parenting, and it drives me insane. I did 100% of the daycare dropoffs and pickups for one kid for example. I am quite sure of this -- I remember it and I remember the daycare teachers asking me what he was like because they had never met him. He insists now that he did quite a bit of dropping off and picking up. Really DH? It's not even old history - I remember what happened 3 years ago! I can't tell if he knows he's wrong or he really has rewritten it in his mind.

I think people re write and remember what they want to.

+1 particularly so that it paints them in a better light. I have a friend that rewrites the end of every relationship so that it doesn’t look like she cheats on every guy she dates.

LOL not a person specifically but I've always said this about my old firm. They push out senior associates every year bc they don't want to make people partner due to financial problems -- lots of highly credentialed, ambitious people end up leaving for jobs that are huge step downs or no jobs at all. And yet the partners will legit say -- oh so and so WANTED to leave to take a break. Lol sure.

[Anonymous]

OP, your problem with your parents (the only problem you can solve, btw) is you're not managing your environment. You know there is potential for these conversations to be infuriating. You need an escape plan. You need to excuse yourself and shorten your stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your problem with your parents (the only problem you can solve, btw) is you're not managing your environment. You know there is potential for these conversations to be infuriating. You need an escape plan. You need to excuse yourself and shorten your stay.

True and the run down of what every member of the family is doing esp people you see once a decade, as well as all the praises and comparisons about their lives, get really old. But then if I cut it off — I don’t care about the family.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my mom does this. I absolutely got the car response, except it was "you only asked once". To be fair, she bought me a brand new car in college. Also, she told me I should have asked her to help with buying a SFH instead of a townhouse. I am SUPER amused by that - she made it clear at the time that she gave what she was going to give and that was that. 15+ years later, she realizes that I would have been a lot better off with the SFH (along with my DH and kids), and I think she regrets not giving me the money. I wish she would just SAY that, though, instead of trying to rewrite history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my mom does this. I absolutely got the car response, except it was "you only asked once". To be fair, she bought me a brand new car in college. Also, she told me I should have asked her to help with buying a SFH instead of a townhouse. I am SUPER amused by that - she made it clear at the time that she gave what she was going to give and that was that. 15+ years later, she realizes that I would have been a lot better off with the SFH (along with my DH and kids), and I think she regrets not giving me the money. I wish she would just SAY that, though, instead of trying to rewrite history.

But she bought you a brand new car in college and apparently contributed to your downpayment for a townhouse! Regretting not giving you more isn't the same as rewriting history.

My parents didn't pay for college or also were frugal despite being well off, as another PP put it. They definitely rewrite history now and focus on the one thing they did do, bought a 4-bedroom house in a neighborhood within a good school system.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are noticing a similar dynamic with my parents. It might have something to do with them feeling uncomfortable that we are earning more than they probably do right now. They always said they would pay off my student loans, then just decided not to- "we encouraged you to get this degeee, and now you have this great career where you can afford your loan payment! You're welcome!" (It was a little messed up... maybe they can't afford it now, but they won't admit it). Meanwhile our friend's parents gave them a down payment for a house. DH and I hope to be able to support our kids financially by paying for college and helping with down payment so that they can be better off than we are. It's like it doesn't make my parents happy to help their kids with a down payment or school debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are noticing a similar dynamic with my parents. It might have something to do with them feeling uncomfortable that we are earning more than they probably do right now. They always said they would pay off my student loans, then just decided not to- "we encouraged you to get this degeee, and now you have this great career where you can afford your loan payment! You're welcome!" (It was a little messed up... maybe they can't afford it now, but they won't admit it). Meanwhile our friend's parents gave them a down payment for a house. DH and I hope to be able to support our kids financially by paying for college and helping with down payment so that they can be better off than we are. It's like it doesn't make my parents happy to help their kids with a down payment or school debt.

You're a married adult and your parents were paying your student loans? I don't think this is the same as what OP is talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my mom does this. I absolutely got the car response, except it was "you only asked once". To be fair, she bought me a brand new car in college. Also, she told me I should have asked her to help with buying a SFH instead of a townhouse. I am SUPER amused by that - she made it clear at the time that she gave what she was going to give and that was that. 15+ years later, she realizes that I would have been a lot better off with the SFH (along with my DH and kids), and I think she regrets not giving me the money. I wish she would just SAY that, though, instead of trying to rewrite history.

But she bought you a brand new car in college and apparently contributed to your downpayment for a townhouse! Regretting not giving you more isn't the same as rewriting history.

My parents didn't pay for college or also were frugal despite being well off, as another PP put it. They definitely rewrite history now and focus on the one thing they did do, bought a 4-bedroom house in a neighborhood within a good school system.

You'd have to know my mom to understand this...her no has always been no. I asked for a car in high school, she said no. The way I was raised was NO was NO, so do not ask again. Which is fine, but don't pretend that's not how it was. 25 years later, it is "you only asked once".

I guess I am amused that she is saying ANY of this stuff was an option. It wasn't. 20+ years later, it's "you didn't ask". No, Mom, you were just VERY clear about what you were going to do, and that was a)not buy me a car in high school, and b)contribute anything toward a downpayment on a SFH. She gave me a few thousand dollars toward closing costs. Don't get me wrong - I appreciated it then, and I appreciate it now. But don't rewrite history - at the time, she flat out told me it was too bad that I didn't have the money for a SFH. A marriage, a DH and two kids later, it's "Oh, you should have just asked me for the money". Right.

I ADORE my mother, I am just truly amused by how she has re-written this in her mind.

[Anonymous]

My parents aren't this way, but my ILs talk all the time about how they paid for my husband's college. They did not. We are still paying for it via student loans. They paid for his rent - $250/mo and literally nothing else. Not even money for food. They irritate me so much.