How did you come to terms with your parents divorce?
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Anonymous
It's not accurate to say there are more divorces now. The divorce rate is decreasing: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/dvs/national_marriage_divorce_rates_00-16.pdf On to your other questions -- my parents got divorced when I was about 5, I think. I actually don't ever remember them being together. As far as the divorce, from what I hear from my dad and stepmom, my mother was terrible. (My stepmom didn't come into the picture until 5 years later -- so take that with a grain of salt.) There have been a couple of aftermath incidents -- my mom, dad, and their spouses got into a big fight after I went to college re: money which resulted in them being unable to be in the same room for about 10 years. My best friend had to babysit my mother at my wedding so I didn't have to deal with the drama. Then some more angling baloney after my kids were born. While annoying, I gained incredibly adept diplomacy skills between navigating their occasional baloney and having two, completely different immediate family groups. Knowing my parents as adults, it's clear they are not well suited to each other and a divorce was the best course of action. I ended up getting divorced, but I don't think it's because of my parents influence or their divorce. However, now I'm in a solid, long-term relationship that I expect to last a lifetime. Not getting married anytime soon due to tax issues. As far as parenting, I think everyone parents in reaction to how they were parented. My parents' divorce definitely influence how I co-parent with my ex-husband. I never say anything bad about him, actively encourage my children's' relationship with him, and try to keep our differences to a minimum. And fortunately, he does the same. The biggest difference between my parents and I is that I will not have any more children. While I love my half-siblings, I often feel like a third wheel in my respective family groups. It's nothing they do purposefully, but it's little things like, "Remember this amazing tradition we always do at this holiday? It's so awesome." "Gosh, no I don't." "What!? I can't believe you don't remember all the times we did this." The reality is that I left for college before they started the tradition and only spent every other holiday with them, so I might have participated in the tradition 3x in my life. My family doesn't ever see that side of the equation. Again, it's nothing malicious, but it's not a pleasant feeling that my family doesn't realize that I wasn't around. I don't want my kids to experience that at all. |
Anonymous
How religious is the viewpoint of this book? I looked at it and the author also wrote books with a Catholic background. |
Anonymous
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I've always said I was so happy my parents got divorced when I was 6yo. They are so different and my dad can be a bit of a bully, so I'm sure I wouldn't have seen my mom blossom the way she did after the divorce. I think she would have been a much meeker person.
There's nothing to forgive my parents for. I suppose if one parent really blew up the marriage with infidelity, etc., then forgiveness may come into play. That wasn't the case for my family. My parents are decent, flawed people who married with good intentions and it didn't work out. Life goes on. |
Anonymous
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My parents separated when I was 7 and divorced when I was 9. My dad cheated on my mom with one of her best friends/the wife of one of his best friends. We used to vacation with them. My now step brother was one of my best friends as a kid. My parents were miserable married and, though my mom fought the divorce a lot, that was largely for religious reasons; she backed down when my dad and step mother had a kid of their own. My dad and step mother have been married for 25+ years now; seem mostly happy and are now old enough that I can’t really imagine them divorcing. My mom never remarried mostly for reasons I don’t understand. She’s never been particularly happy. My dad treated her horribly, obviously, but I think her current circumstances are largely on her.
My childhood post-divorce was mostly happy. Liked 2 of my 4 step/half siblings and the step brother my age was a close friend. Didn’t like my step mother much growing up — she wasn’t that nice to me for reasons I now sort of understand — by we have a good relationship now and she’s a great grandma to my kids (her only grandkids, which helps). No big upheaval: lived 60% with my mom in the apartment we always lived in; stayed at the same school I’d always attended; socioeconomic circumstances (UMC) stayed the same (dad paid a lot of support and step mothers higher income offset additional children, supporting two households, etc); lived with dad 40% of the time about 30 minutes away — so a little annoying, but not a catastrophe. Realize I was lucky in these respects. No real hard feelings about the divorce now or obvious effects. Happily married for almost 10 years. 2 kids with 1 on the way. DH’s parents are still happily married 35+ years on, but has a divorce in their family so not judgmental. My stepbro seems a bit more affected: divorced over wife wanting kids; happily recoupled but firmly against kids and remarriage, which he attributes to childhood in a way I only partially understand. Other younger sibs aren’t married, but 1 is largely circumstantial (and she probably will be soon) and the other is still pretty young. |
Anonymous
| ^^ 2 of 3 step/half siblings... not 4. |
Anonymous
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[It is a profound loss and it is almost taboo to talk about it. You are not alone in your pain. Healing to know that now some now adult children of divorce are sharing their experience in this book. https://www.amazon.com/Primal-Loss-Now-Adult-Children-Divorce-ebook/dp/B071VY9HXC
This. Our culture goes to great lengths to spare the feelings of divorced people, but it does everyone a disservice to deny the true impact. How religious is the viewpoint of this book? I looked at it and the author also wrote books with a Catholic background.] The author is Catholic but the book is just a collection of experiences of people with different backgrounds that are adult children of divorce. There is in the Church now more awareness of the wounds of children of divorce. Many Catholics too divorce in USA so there is this emerging population of adults children of divorce looking for healing and for a chance to express their pain. |
Anonymous
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I’m a practicing Catholic. My faith hasn’t impacted how I feel about my parents’ divorce. It was a relief when I was a child and remains a relief today.
Sometimes I feel that my mom should have pursued an annulment so that she could have remarried in the Church, but she felt done with marriage after my father. |
Anonymous
What a unique viewpoint, a Catholic person speaks out about consequences of divorce 
Look, I am not trying minimize the emotions of people who feel pain when their parents divorce, but the reality is that it's very different for each person. I posted upthread about how my parents divorce worked out fine for all parties involved. Siblings and I were fine when it happened and we are all happily married as adults and professionally successful. It's not necessarily a big, traumatic, painful thing. If people feel traumatized and feel like reading books like this help them cope, then that's a great option for them. But it's wrong to imply that all kids experience loss and betrayal with divorce, it's just not true. |