How did you come to terms with your parents divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 48 and none of my friends have divorced. In my big extended family there has only been one divorce and my uncle’s wife was incredibly psycho so we were all relieved to get him back after his 25 years of enslavement/cut off from family by her.

None of my kids’ friends have divorced parents. Nobody in my neighborhood has yet to divorce —40/50/60s age range.

I don’t even know any divorced co-workers and I’m going into year 23 at my current job.

I grew up in this area/UMC.

My husband is from Ohio and about 75% of family and friends are divorced.

Where do you live OP?

Well, that’s what happens when you live in Ohio.

[Anonymous]

I'm incredibly thankful my parents divorced when I was 5. They argued so much and were just bad together. Toxic! Once they divorced they were able to raise my siblings and I like normal parents without being dysfunctional. Some people are truly better off apart than together and "staying together for the kids" is BS. I've always preferred they be happy apart than miserable together.

[Anonymous]

As a kid I used to pray daily that they’d divorce. They divorced my freshman year of college and I was pissed (still am) that they waited til then. They weren’t doing me any favors!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a kid I used to pray daily that they’d divorce. They divorced my freshman year of college and I was pissed (still am) that they waited til then. They weren’t doing me any favors!

They might not have wanted to miss a minute of living with you when you were at home.

[Anonymous]

My best friend's parents divorced when she was 22 after 25 years of marriage. They stayed together "for the kids". She says she feels like her entire childhood was built on a lie. It really screwed her up. My son's inlaws divorced after 30 years of marriage and it has been really hard on my DIL. She says she wishes they had divorced when she was younger and started new lives. Now she is dealing with two lonely, unhappy, older parents.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I wonder if the divorce after college thing really has the most negative effect. I had a poor childhood due to parents fighting. They suddenly divorced my freshman year of college. My grades plummeted and didn't have enough years to psychologically recover before leaving with a 5 year degree and sub 3.0 GPA.

I did reconcile with both parents after having my own children and making my own mistakes.

[Anonymous]

No, I have not forgiven them for how much they let their own misery blind them to my needs as a child.

Forgive them for getting divorced? Whats to forgive? I'm just angry about how they did it (maximum selfishness all around), and how they still cause me trouble because they don't like each other.

[Anonymous]

Same as PP. I will be angry for the rest of my life, and I believe I am justified. I was ten years old. Father blamed me for my mother wanting the divorce - I was too needy and took too much of her energy/attention. Mother resented that she couldn't make a clean break with no responsibility to live a fun new life of freedom. I kept my head down for the next seven years, tried to take as little space as possible, and got as far away as I could. FWIW, I've been happily married for 15 years (no kids). I had more than enough divorce for one lifetime when I was still a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um I just accepted it and got the hell on with life. It's called resilience. You need real therapy if you're struggling with this as an adult.

I don’t think it is insulated for adults to still grapple with their parents’ divorce as it is never simply that the parents’ marriage ended. The child must also adjust to:
1) changed financial circumstances in most cases. We went from MC to living in a slumlord-owned dilapidated rowhouse in low income, high poverty inner city neighborhood. That was dramatic, but even my own children went from MC to LMC/working class for five years after my own divorce.
2) physical separations for parents. 50/50 is not the solution to this.
3) new partners and siblings of parents remarry
4) disruption of routines and holidays.

why isn't 50-50 custody a solution to physical separation?

[Anonymous]

Mine separated when I was very young, maybe 2 or 3, and eventually divorced. I'm an only. Neither remarried or had more kids, but have been with stable partners for decades at this point. I don't feel affected by it since I never knew differently. But, I also have no model for my own marriage, so there's that. DH and I have been married 8 years, 3 kids. I feel like I made immature mistakes earlier in our relationship and marriage but (hopefully) am coming into my own more these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um I just accepted it and got the hell on with life. It's called resilience. You need real therapy if you're struggling with this as an adult.

I don’t think it is insulated for adults to still grapple with their parents’ divorce as it is never simply that the parents’ marriage ended. The child must also adjust to:
1) changed financial circumstances in most cases. We went from MC to living in a slumlord-owned dilapidated rowhouse in low income, high poverty inner city neighborhood. That was dramatic, but even my own children went from MC to LMC/working class for five years after my own divorce.
2) physical separations for parents. 50/50 is not the solution to this.
3) new partners and siblings of parents remarry
4) disruption of routines and holidays.

why isn't 50-50 custody a solution to physical separation?

You start with 100%. You lose 50% of the time with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um I just accepted it and got the hell on with life. It's called resilience. You need real therapy if you're struggling with this as an adult.

I don’t think it is insulated for adults to still grapple with their parents’ divorce as it is never simply that the parents’ marriage ended. The child must also adjust to:
1) changed financial circumstances in most cases. We went from MC to living in a slumlord-owned dilapidated rowhouse in low income, high poverty inner city neighborhood. That was dramatic, but even my own children went from MC to LMC/working class for five years after my own divorce.
2) physical separations for parents. 50/50 is not the solution to this.
3) new partners and siblings of parents remarry
4) disruption of routines and holidays.

why isn't 50-50 custody a solution to physical separation?

You start with 100%. You lose 50% of the time with your kids.

And the same for kids, which was my focus. If you had two parents 100% of the time theoretically, now you have each parent only 50% of the time.

[Anonymous]

I'm not divorced; my parents weren't divorced; none of my grandparents were divorced.

No doubt we all had plenty of reasons to divorce, but none of us did or do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not divorced; my parents weren't divorced; none of my grandparents were divorced.

No doubt we all had plenty of reasons to divorce, but none of us did or do.

Why are you even answering this question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not divorced; my parents weren't divorced; none of my grandparents were divorced.

No doubt we all had plenty of reasons to divorce, but none of us did or do.

So inspiring when I hear about multiple generations that stayed married just for the sake of staying married. Just imagine what all those people in happy second marriages gave up just so that they could live with someone that wasn’t abusive or distant.