How did you come to terms with your parents divorce?

[Anonymous]

Did you forgive them? What age were you as a child? Who in your family didn’t handle it well? How is your marriage? Did your parents divorce affect your marriage,- your parenting? How about your siblings? Please indicate your response from either a female or male response. Thank you.

More couples are divorcing- because of your parents divorce, would you ever?

[Anonymous]

It was an enormous relief. I used to have nightmares that they would reconcile. My dad has been divorced 3x.

I am divorced. I think the impact of my parents’ divorce on my marriage was that I saw how much worse it could get and I didn’t want my kids to suffer the way my siblings and I did.

My XH came from a family with no divorces and wanted to stick it out for the kids while he continued wrecking our lives. He remarried and quickly divorced again. His siblings are all unhappily married with unhappy children, but celebrating those milestone anniversaries. All that matters, right?

I also remarried. My 2nd DH also has divorced parents and was divorced from his first wife. His father was also abusive and unfaithful. His first wife was unhappy as a military spouse. She reminds me a lot of one of my dad’s wives. She seems very happy now and did a good job raising my stepson.

DH and I have a lot of good examples of what marriage should not be. So we don’t do those things.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you talk about your experience first.

[Anonymous]

Um I just accepted it and got the hell on with life. It's called resilience. You need real therapy if you're struggling with this as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um I just accepted it and got the hell on with life. It's called resilience. You need real therapy if you're struggling with this as an adult.

I don’t think it is insulated for adults to still grapple with their parents’ divorce as it is never simply that the parents’ marriage ended. The child must also adjust to:
1) changed financial circumstances in most cases. We went from MC to living in a slumlord-owned dilapidated rowhouse in low income, high poverty inner city neighborhood. That was dramatic, but even my own children went from MC to LMC/working class for five years after my own divorce.
2) physical separations for parents. 50/50 is not the solution to this.
3) new partners and siblings of parents remarry
4) disruption of routines and holidays.

[Anonymous]

I have no idea why autocorrect thought not-resilient should be insulated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was an enormous relief. I used to have nightmares that they would reconcile. My dad has been divorced 3x.

I am divorced. I think the impact of my parents’ divorce on my marriage was that I saw how much worse it could get and I didn’t want my kids to suffer the way my siblings and I did.

My XH came from a family with no divorces and wanted to stick it out for the kids while he continued wrecking our lives. He remarried and quickly divorced again. His siblings are all unhappily married with unhappy children, but celebrating those milestone anniversaries. All that matters, right?

I also remarried. My 2nd DH also has divorced parents and was divorced from his first wife. His father was also abusive and unfaithful. His first wife was unhappy as a military spouse. She reminds me a lot of one of my dad’s wives. She seems very happy now and did a good job raising my stepson.

DH and I have a lot of good examples of what marriage should not be. So we don’t do those things.

You sure you're not just trying to justify your own divorce? Why does anyone in your family bother getting married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was an enormous relief. I used to have nightmares that they would reconcile. My dad has been divorced 3x.

I am divorced. I think the impact of my parents’ divorce on my marriage was that I saw how much worse it could get and I didn’t want my kids to suffer the way my siblings and I did.

My XH came from a family with no divorces and wanted to stick it out for the kids while he continued wrecking our lives. He remarried and quickly divorced again. His siblings are all unhappily married with unhappy children, but celebrating those milestone anniversaries. All that matters, right?

I also remarried. My 2nd DH also has divorced parents and was divorced from his first wife. His father was also abusive and unfaithful. His first wife was unhappy as a military spouse. She reminds me a lot of one of my dad’s wives. She seems very happy now and did a good job raising my stepson.

DH and I have a lot of good examples of what marriage should not be. So we don’t do those things.

You sure you're not just trying to justify your own divorce? Why does anyone in your family bother getting married?

I’m quite successfully married now. My second marriage is not only much healthier than my first, but it is much healthier than my former MIL/FIL’s and the marriages of my XH’s siblings. Longevity doesn’t mean happiness. To me, having a loving, respectful faithful partnership in a nonviolent and peaceful home is a successful marriage.

My brother is successfully married as well. His wife is also from one of those families where no one ever gets divorced, they just cohabitate in contempt and scream at each other if forced to actually interact.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced very late in life, when I was married and had three kids (they were in their early 60's).

It definitely affected my life tremendously. I not only had to deal with the divorce, but they thought since I was an adult, that they had free reign to talk about each other and tell me WAAAYYYY more information about their marriage than they should ever have.

What it did was make me feel like my entire childhood was a lie. It also made me suddenly feel an enormous weight to worry that both of them were okay, worry about them financially, and emotionally.

It has affected my marriage. I lost trust that "everything is okay"-and continually barrage my husband with making sure our marriage is okay and I am not missing something, worrying all the time that he is unhappy.

I remember as a kid, thinking my parents would divorce. they fought a lot. But I learned from them that marriage was something you stuck with. Then I un-learned it.

I have a lot of resentment about this issue. At the same time, a respect for my parents as adults who are absolutely free to make their own decisions.

[Anonymous]

Woman here and I don’t think much about it, tbh. There is nothing to forgive - they were miserable together and much better apart. I’m happily married now for 13 years but if we started fighting all the time and couldn’t get along without any end in sight I think we should divorce rather than subject our kids to that. I have 4 siblings - 3 happily married as far as I know and one never married, but he’s a bit odd so it’s not a surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here and I don’t think much about it, tbh. There is nothing to forgive - they were miserable together and much better apart. I’m happily married now for 13 years but if we started fighting all the time and couldn’t get along without any end in sight I think we should divorce rather than subject our kids to that. I have 4 siblings - 3 happily married as far as I know and one never married, but he’s a bit odd so it’s not a surprise.

Oh, I was 14.

[Anonymous]

I am a woman and my parents divorced when I was 5, so I really only ever knew them to be apart and having divorced parents was just my life. They both remarried within a few years. I can't even imagine them being friends, much less married, so I never pined for them to get back together or anything. I mostly hated the logistics of travelling back and forth (they always lived in different states) and having to worry about pleasing both sides on holidays and other occasions. I also felt like an outsider when my dad and step mom had kids.

I never begrudged them for getting divorced though because I knew they were unhappy. I am 29 and married now (only 1.5 years), but their divorce has always affected my relationships because I second guess myself. I think, well my parents were together for 13 years (8 before they even decided to have a kid) and still ended up divorced, so as happy as I think I am now, who's to say this is going to last? I definitely always said that their divorce made me never want to get a divorce, especially not put a child through that, but we are not going to have kids, so it's sort of a moot point. I'm not opposed to divorce on principle if for some reason in the future I felt my marriage needed to end. But I also acknowledge that marriage is work and requires constant attention from both people.

With all that said, I've seen therapists and had many hard conversations with my mom (my dad and I aren't close - mostly because he's a narcissist) in order to explore all my feelings about my childhood in general - a big part of which was not just The Divorce, but the entirety of living as an only child of divorced parents. I would encourage people to talk to their parents about why they got divorced and what their feelings and fears were about how it would affect their kids. Hearing my mom's perspective as an adult was really interesting. You have to acknowledge they are human and flawed just like us now.

[Anonymous]

I’m 48 and none of my friends have divorced. In my big extended family there has only been one divorce and my uncle’s wife was incredibly psycho so we were all relieved to get him back after his 25 years of enslavement/cut off from family by her.

None of my kids’ friends have divorced parents. Nobody in my neighborhood has yet to divorce —40/50/60s age range.

I don’t even know any divorced co-workers and I’m going into year 23 at my current job.

I grew up in this area/UMC.

My husband is from Ohio and about 75% of family and friends are divorced.

Where do you live OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced very late in life, when I was married and had three kids (they were in their early 60's).

It definitely affected my life tremendously. I not only had to deal with the divorce, but they thought since I was an adult, that they had free reign to talk about each other and tell me WAAAYYYY more information about their marriage than they should ever have.

What it did was make me feel like my entire childhood was a lie. It also made me suddenly feel an enormous weight to worry that both of them were okay, worry about them financially, and emotionally.

It has affected my marriage. I lost trust that "everything is okay"-and continually barrage my husband with making sure our marriage is okay and I am not missing something, worrying all the time that he is unhappy.

I remember as a kid, thinking my parents would divorce. they fought a lot. But I learned from them that marriage was something you stuck with. Then I un-learned it.

I have a lot of resentment about this issue. At the same time, a respect for my parents as adults who are absolutely free to make their own decisions.

My roommates parents divorced in college and it really messed her and her older siblings up. They also felt like childhood was a lie. They found out their dad was having an affair. She wasn’t right for quite awhile. They were also fairly religious/traditional so she saw it as hypocritical.

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman and my parents separated when I was in 5th grade and finally divorced a couple years later. I was an angry kid but that's largely because my mom used me as an emotional crutch and dated horrid men for years - well, until now.

I got over the divorce itself but the other after effects took much much longer. My parents weren't happy being married and I totally get that. They were both damaged, though, and that wasn't ideal.

I wouldn't want to get a divorce myself if I could help it. It is hard on everyone.