How did you come to terms with your parents divorce?
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Anonymous
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I come from a family of divorce. My parents are divorced, my mom's two siblings are divorced, my Dad's 3 siblings have each been divorced at least once, my paternal grandparents divorced.
My parents separated when I was 18, and mostly I felt relief. I wish they heard done it sooner because it was such a stressful environment to grow up in. I spent a lot of time at my highschool and college boyfriend's family houses. It made me cautious about my own relationships. I dated my now DH for the better part of a decade before getting married. Its also forced me to proactively learn skills on healthy communication since that wasn't modeled for me as a kid. I aim to provide a happier and more stable home for our DC. Both of my parents are remarried and seem much happier. I have a decent relationship with each of them. |
Anonymous
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My parents divorced when I was 16. I wasn't expecting it, but I don't think my childhood was a lie or anything-- I think they tried very hard to make it work and spared us having to listen to their fighting in front of us. I think that's better than being a young child in a joint custody arrangement.
I would say I've "come to terms with it" in that I'm not angry or upset about it. But their subsequent marriages have not been any happier, and financially it hasn't been good for either of them. So I do kind of wonder if it was worth it. They have less time with their grandchildren because I have to split visits 50/50, and that really bothers my mom. And they definitely have less financial security, which they've been kind of putting off thinking about, but I can see that the denial is starting to break. I think my mom is going to have to leave her boyfriend because he has even less money than she does, and she can't afford assisted living for both of them. |
Anonymous
Not PP, but someone who grew up like PP. The "not miss a minute" idea may have some truth to it. but it is very selfish way to live life. If a grown up cannot handle being in a social situation without letting their mood undermine the fun for everyone, they should go home, right? I mean, I don't get to ruin my niece's wedding, or Passover, or a school performance just because I can't keep my feelings in check, right? Better not to go than to suck the joy out of all family occasions.... Here is my inner child talking now: mom, dad, sometimes it isn't about you! Sometimes it was actually about me. Thank you so much! |
Anonymous
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Parents divorced when I was 8. (M).
Made for a complicated childhood and made everything worse from my perspective. All the negatives you'd expect: time-splitting was disruptive, all kinds of weird emotions between parents, holidays weren't the same, and so forth. Most significant impacts in the long run, though, were as follows: 1. As a kid, I lost respect for my parents and certainly wasn't inclined to listen to their advice, given the mess they'd made of their lives. 2. As an adult, I've realized that the divorce negatively impacted my life skills. To take a minor example, I don't know how to fix things. Why? Because my father was the handy one, and he wasn't around to teach me when I was a kid. (When I saw him, we went to dinner and watched a movie or something like that). Me? I've been married happily for 14 years and have two kids. I am deeply committed to avoiding the mistakes that my parents made (selfishness, anger, refusal to compromise). So that's a good thing, but I still don't have much regard for the way they lived their lives. |
Anonymous
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I was 13, female. Sibling was 11.
Mostly I felt relief since they clearly didn’t get along and were not suited to each other. Also did not get along with father and was happy to not have to live with him. Probably made sibling and I closer, after then we to this day there is work required for managing two families. Parents each remarried spouses they are better suited to and remain married to their second spouse. Sibling and I each married well into 30s and still married. One impact is that it was hard to envision a happy loving relationship and the type of man who provide that; although that was less of a result of the divorce and more a result of my father being a jerk. |
Anonymous
1. I didn't feel there was anything to forgive. 2. I was 7. 3. Everyone handled it fine. 4. My marriage is great. 5. I don't THINK my parents divorcing affected my marriage or parenting. 6. Only child. 7. I'm female. |
Anonymous
A selfless person would give up their interests and stay together for growing children to maintain the financial stability, to allow the child to stay in his neighborhood and schools, to be there in any and every moment of potential crisis for a child. Quantity time is much more important than quality time. After the child is an adult and strong the option to leave is there. If the child looks back on what was necessary in a poor light then that's ok too because being a protective and sacrificing parent does not require being rewarded with gratitude. It is a reward in itself . |
Anonymous
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I was 11, sister was 13. My Dad left and married his editor, whose 2 yo son I babysat for. So he became our stepbrother. We had an incredibly happy childhood up until then so we were blindsided. I think my parents had typical marriage issues but my dad having an affair/walking out also stunned my mom.
She spent the next 5 years trying to get her life together. I dropped every activity I'd done since age 5 (ballet, piano, soccer) and I think no one noticed/there was no one to take me. Sister drifted into her group of friends and distanced herself from the family. I spent my teens terrified my mom would go under the waves and being angry at my Dad/new stepmom. Before I went to college, my mom met my stepdad. They are still happily married. The AP/Editor my dad married died of breast cancer at 42. Her son became suicidal and my Dad essentially saved his life. Kid's own dad was so estranged from him at that point that he didn't know how to help (my stepmom destroyed their relationship). My Dad is now remarried to a 3rd wife; a lady who is something of a ballbuster but who I respect. She also is an athlete who keeps him healthy so I'm glad for that. Both remarriages are stable and will go the distance. As for the kids: My sister is a tenured professor, I am a physician, one step-brother is starting a phD program in physics, one just graduated from Cornell. None of us are married. I decided to have a child on my own and am a happy single parent. My child is the only grandchild in the family. Hard to say where it could've been better and what was going to happen anyway. I love my stepdad so he's been a hugely positive addition to the family. I like/love my current stepmom and feel she's good for my Dad. I do wish my Dad hadn't found the AP/wife #2 as she was truly horrible and together they were morally bankrupt. Things greatly improved when she died. I love and respect my Dad but it taught me that even ethical men make hugely damaging choices, so that's a disappointing lesson. I'd still like to get married. I'd like to show my DD a good, healthy example of what a man can be. So far my stepdad is doing a pretty good job. |
Anonymous
| It is a profound loss and it is almost taboo to talk about it. You are not alone in your pain. Healing to know that now some now adult children of divorce are sharing their experience in this book. https://www.amazon.com/Primal-Loss-Now-Adult-Children-Divorce-ebook/dp/B071VY9HXC |
Anonymous
Not for the sake of staying married. For the sake of our vows, our souls, our children, and our society. |
Anonymous
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Many of the adult friends I have who went through their parents' divorces while in K-12 decided never to have children.
And they have not. Super happy, lots of spare cash, simple lives, fantastic vacations, fun dogs and gardening, but no kids. |
Anonymous
This. Our culture goes to great lengths to spare the feelings of divorced people, but it does everyone a disservice to deny the true impact. |
Anonymous
It's so inspiring when I hear about people who rode out tough times, stayed married, and now they and their families are enjoying the many rewards of that choice. Not like my parents and their miserable second marriages. |
Anonymous
Those are convenient excuses for someone afraid of striking out on their own. |
Anonymous
What rewards to simply sticking out being married to a bad spouse? Many people, myself included, have very happy second marriages. No way I would ever trade what I have with my new husband for 30 more years of my first marriage. Even our marriage counselor told me I did not have to sacrifice myself on the altar of till death do us part. |