Does your wife make more than you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make about 200% more than my husband (i'm at 200K, he's at 50K or will be when he finds a job. He keeps getting laid off.) He's helpful around the house. I am the one who spends money so that works out. But I do get resentful if more than 50% of the parenting falls to me. As long as he is pulling his weigh on that front, it's ok with me

200k is about 200% more than 50k.... wut?

Where do you work that they pay you 200k?

LOL. I was trying to work out any possible way she could have done that math and... nothin'.

50k is 0% more than 50k

55k is 10% more than 50k

75k is 50% more than 50k

100k is 100% more than 50k

200k is 200% more than 50k wrong

See above

Wouldn’t $150k b/c 200% more? Following the profession PP tried to build?

[Anonymous]

I make more than my husband now, but he’s made more most of our time together. I’m enjoying it, and he seems to be as well. I think you need common goals and expectations regarding household work and childcare. It is difficult to manage two careers that aren’t laid back, so I think we’ve had give and take over the years. I also think we’ve been conscious of who is making more / can push to get ahead in their current role in allocating other responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make slightly more now, but for most of our 15 years together I made significantly more. I am still in the breadwinner role, even though his income finally climbed, because my income is more stable. I'm also the default parent.

The income has not been an issue itself, but we do clash on money management (he doesn't save, doesn't open mail, etc) and the fact it's affecting "my" income has entered into that. We recently had an uncomfortable conversation because he wants a larger house but has not saved at all; we could afford it only by going into my "mad money" which I've saved. I would be willing if he'd made an effort, but not in the current circumstances.

I feel a lot better about my marriage after reading through this thread. There is a ton of resentment pouring out of these posts, and nothing - nothing- will kill a partnership faster than that. All this stuff about "when the kids were young I resented having to pay daycare so he could make his paltry salary..." Wow. Reverse that for a second and how would people react if a guy said that about his wife's career? And PP, you're saying you've made a lot more money than your husband - yet you won't buy a new home because HE hasn't saved HIS money? Aren't these supposed to be joint purchases, that the family buys together? All this progress in terms of women taking charge of their own careers, being equal partners etc - and it seems like half the wives are still pining for a BigLaw/Plastic Surgeon/Wall St Trader who doubles their salary. Sigh.

1. You inserted the "paltry," try not to use quotation marks when it's a fictional sentence, and
2. The person you're misquoting was talking specifically about being simultaneously the breadwinner and default parent. Reverse that on this board (some guy posts something similar about once a month) and every response is "divorce the bitch" and/or "I'll marry you, you sound like a prince!"

As far as castigating the PP for not spending "her money," again you're having comprehension problems. They both get mad money, he spent all his, now he wants to spend hers. It's an ant/grasshopper situation, and the entire point of mad money is the spendy person can be wasteful with it without being judged by the fiscally conservative person. But the spendy person can't spend the other person's mad money on a whim, that's nuts.

You sound awfully touchy about these remarks. Try not to internalize posts on a chat board so much. Or go see a counselor asap.

[Anonymous]

I'm in finance, he's in academia. I've always made more, now much more. It works for us. We both work hard and are successful in what we do.

We both share kind of equally is house tasks, but we each have different skills. I do wish he would be more organized and take on more of the family planning (registering kids for activities, long-term planning), but I've found most men aren't good at all with multi-tasking, so I do all of it)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make slightly more now, but for most of our 15 years together I made significantly more. I am still in the breadwinner role, even though his income finally climbed, because my income is more stable. I'm also the default parent.

The income has not been an issue itself, but we do clash on money management (he doesn't save, doesn't open mail, etc) and the fact it's affecting "my" income has entered into that. We recently had an uncomfortable conversation because he wants a larger house but has not saved at all; we could afford it only by going into my "mad money" which I've saved. I would be willing if he'd made an effort, but not in the current circumstances.

I feel a lot better about my marriage after reading through this thread. There is a ton of resentment pouring out of these posts, and nothing - nothing- will kill a partnership faster than that. All this stuff about "when the kids were young I resented having to pay daycare so he could make his paltry salary..." Wow. Reverse that for a second and how would people react if a guy said that about his wife's career? And PP, you're saying you've made a lot more money than your husband - yet you won't buy a new home because HE hasn't saved HIS money? Aren't these supposed to be joint purchases, that the family buys together? All this progress in terms of women taking charge of their own careers, being equal partners etc - and it seems like half the wives are still pining for a BigLaw/Plastic Surgeon/Wall St Trader who doubles their salary. Sigh.

1. You inserted the "paltry," try not to use quotation marks when it's a fictional sentence, and
2. The person you're misquoting was talking specifically about being simultaneously the breadwinner and default parent. Reverse that on this board (some guy posts something similar about once a month) and every response is "divorce the bitch" and/or "I'll marry you, you sound like a prince!"

As far as castigating the PP for not spending "her money," again you're having comprehension problems. They both get mad money, he spent all his, now he wants to spend hers. It's an ant/grasshopper situation, and the entire point of mad money is the spendy person can be wasteful with it without being judged by the fiscally conservative person. But the spendy person can't spend the other person's mad money on a whim, that's nuts.

You sound awfully touchy about these remarks. Try not to internalize posts on a chat board so much. Or go see a counselor asap.

Not PP, but your remark is ad hominem and doesn't speak to the substance of the post.

Can you respond to the substance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make 3x what my husband does.

It is not an issue now, but when our children were young and I was both the primary breadwinner and the default parent, I was angry all the time.

Same when mine were little. It was so hard. I was tired and resentful. But it's finally completely turned around now they are in school and I almost feel lazy. His more flexible job allows us to avoid aftercare. He can help with homework, take them to practices, and make dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make 3x what my husband does.

It is not an issue now, but when our children were young and I was both the primary breadwinner and the default parent, I was angry all the time.

Same when mine were little. It was so hard. I was tired and resentful. But it's finally completely turned around now they are in school and I almost feel lazy. His more flexible job allows us to avoid aftercare. He can help with homework, take them to practices, and make dinner.

In response to the previous post to this, it's stressful with young children and these feelings are normal. It's okay not to relish being a martyr. The key is to realize life flows and circumstances change. If you are committed you ride out the tough spots.

[Anonymous]

DH wanted to be an entrepreneur and I wanted the security of working at a large company with benefits. I make almost 2x his salary but he has a great deal of flexibility and does a large percentage of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, etc. There are times when I'm frustrated with the amount of time and effort that he puts in for the limited pay, but I also recognize that's part of owning your own business and a conscious choice that he's made. After a rough start graduating with an engineering degree just as the tech world went bust, I'm also just grateful to have settled into a wonderful career of my own that can support us no matter what happens with DH's company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH wanted to be an entrepreneur and I wanted the security of working at a large company with benefits. I make almost 2x his salary but he has a great deal of flexibility and does a large percentage of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, etc. There are times when I'm frustrated with the amount of time and effort that he puts in for the limited pay, but I also recognize that's part of owning your own business and a conscious choice that he's made. After a rough start graduating with an engineering degree just as the tech world went bust, I'm also just grateful to have settled into a wonderful career of my own that can support us no matter what happens with DH's company.

PP here - I just wanted to add that I am also glad that our kids get to see us being partners and dividing all the work in the family pretty evenly no matter who earns a higher salary. I think that's a healthier dynamic than one parent being dependent on the other financially. DH and I both grew up with moms who stayed home after the kids were born. His mom eventually went back to work and his parents have a fairly balanced relationship despite his dad being the breadwinner. My mom on the other hand could never pull herself together to look for a job after the kids were out of the house. My parents have financial issues and a much more dysfunctional relationship and it's part of why I always wanted to be able to support myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make about 200% more than my husband (i'm at 200K, he's at 50K or will be when he finds a job. He keeps getting laid off.) He's helpful around the house. I am the one who spends money so that works out. But I do get resentful if more than 50% of the parenting falls to me. As long as he is pulling his weigh on that front, it's ok with me

200k is about 200% more than 50k.... wut?

Where do you work that they pay you 200k?

LOL. I was trying to work out any possible way she could have done that math and... nothin'.

50k is 0% more than 50k

55k is 10% more than 50k

75k is 50% more than 50k

100k is 100% more than 50k

200k is 200% more than 50k wrong

See above

Good call. In my defense, it was late and I was tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make about 200% more than my husband (i'm at 200K, he's at 50K or will be when he finds a job. He keeps getting laid off.) He's helpful around the house. I am the one who spends money so that works out. But I do get resentful if more than 50% of the parenting falls to me. As long as he is pulling his weigh on that front, it's ok with me

200k is about 200% more than 50k.... wut?

Where do you work that they pay you 200k?

LOL. I was trying to work out any possible way she could have done that math and... nothin'.

50k is 0% more than 50k

55k is 10% more than 50k

75k is 50% more than 50k

100k is 100% more than 50k

200k is 200% more than 50k wrong

See above

Good call. In my defense, it was late and I was tired.

Ha! I assumed you were pointing out her faulty math with that nonsensical progression!

[Anonymous]

My husband JUST started making more than I do. We are both 40 and have been together since early 20s. He does (and always has) provided the health insurance. I come from a wealthy family and my parents died young so I also have a significant personal net worth. He works hard, is a great partner and husband and dad. No issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My two sisters married lazy guys and make more. It is funny as at parties the men wear aprons and prepare meals while my sisters sit in living room and chat. They bring drinks out, appetizers etc. Lots of resentment going on

I know lazy guys. And trust me -- lazy guys don't put on aprons and prepare meals and serve drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH wanted to be an entrepreneur and I wanted the security of working at a large company with benefits. I make almost 2x his salary but he has a great deal of flexibility and does a large percentage of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, etc. There are times when I'm frustrated with the amount of time and effort that he puts in for the limited pay, but I also recognize that's part of owning your own business and a conscious choice that he's made. After a rough start graduating with an engineering degree just as the tech world went bust, I'm also just grateful to have settled into a wonderful career of my own that can support us no matter what happens with DH's company.

PP here - I just wanted to add that I am also glad that our kids get to see us being partners and dividing all the work in the family pretty evenly no matter who earns a higher salary. I think that's a healthier dynamic than one parent being dependent on the other financially. DH and I both grew up with moms who stayed home after the kids were born. His mom eventually went back to work and his parents have a fairly balanced relationship despite his dad being the breadwinner. My mom on the other hand could never pull herself together to look for a job after the kids were out of the house. My parents have financial issues and a much more dysfunctional relationship and it's part of why I always wanted to be able to support myself.

I could not agree with this more. It's so, so important - regardless of gender of kids - for them to see both parents as equal partners (as opposed to Dad goes to work and Mom takes care of us).

[Anonymous]

I make more than my wife, and always have. I think I'd be happy if my wife earned more -- that's more money for us! But if I'm being candid I probably do get a little pride and even security from the fact that I earn more. It might be gauche to admit it, but I think it feels like I'm "supposed to" earn more and I feel good living up to that responsibility (real or perceived).