Does your wife make more than you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My two sisters married lazy guys and make more. It is funny as at parties the men wear aprons and prepare meals while my sisters sit in living room and chat. They bring drinks out, appetizers etc. Lots of resentment going on

I wouldnt call that lazy. Sounds like they’re contributing around the house or is that just for show?

[Anonymous]

I make 3x what my husband does.

It is not an issue now, but when our children were young and I was both the primary breadwinner and the default parent, I was angry all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My two sisters married lazy guys and make more. It is funny as at parties the men wear aprons and prepare meals while my sisters sit in living room and chat. They bring drinks out, appetizers etc. Lots of resentment going on

I wouldnt call that lazy. Sounds like they’re contributing around the house or is that just for show?

It is sisters pissed their husbands can't hold down a job.

One guy is 52 collected unemployment four times since 2001 and took off 8 years to be the Manny of house.

Only worked 6 years out of last 16. Those were prime earning years. Status currently laid off once again.

My sisters are sick of working. My older sister has been a teacher 35 years. She is fried. But husband never gets act together. Now her grown kids in early 20s are on her plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make 3x what my husband does.

It is not an issue now, but when our children were young and I was both the primary breadwinner and the default parent, I was angry all the time.

Almost the same scenario here. It bothered me a lot when daycare was roughly what DH’s salary was (he did not want to stay home). Now I no longer care about the money, though DH’s job is less flexible with longer hours and less vacation time to I resent working around those parameters.

[Anonymous]

I make slightly more now, but for most of our 15 years together I made significantly more. I am still in the breadwinner role, even though his income finally climbed, because my income is more stable. I'm also the default parent.

The income has not been an issue itself, but we do clash on money management (he doesn't save, doesn't open mail, etc) and the fact it's affecting "my" income has entered into that. We recently had an uncomfortable conversation because he wants a larger house but has not saved at all; we could afford it only by going into my "mad money" which I've saved. I would be willing if he'd made an effort, but not in the current circumstances.

[Anonymous]

DH here. I think a lot of this depends on the circumstances. A GS 15 step 10 DH and a DW making $200-$250k is a very different dynamic from a DH making $50k and a DW making $150k.

I make about $200k and my DW is a 15 step 5. She has made more than me at times in the past, although I have generally made more. I appreciate the security of her fed job, the pension, and that the salary allows us a lifestyle we wouldn’t have if she was less successful.

If I get promoted again, I will likely move to more like $300k. I believe she will get her SES, but her real money would come in the private sector. I would be fine with any outcome. I have great work life balance, get to work from home 80% of the time, crazy good atypical benefits, etc. if she can be more successful, more power to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make sign Iva toy more than my husband. It wasn’t the case when we first got married and had kids. Circumstances changed and I went back to work in a sales position and quickly began increasing my income. Eventually we decided to let DH leave his life sucking career and follow his long time dreams. I was not worried about him making any income. Our dynamic is fine. I have never taken care of things like laundry. DH was warned before we got married that those kind of things were going to be taken care of by him or hired help. Probably sounds awful to some and I am going to be flamed but I would much rather work harder to earn more so I don’t have to do things like laundry and cleaning toilets.

This is my situation as well, except i always made significantly more. We have an understanding that he can do whatever he wants but at the end of the day, he needs to handle cleaning, groceries, cooking, and child dropoffs/pickups, or hire someone to do it. In other words, that can't be something on my plate due to my demanding and very stressful job. I feel as though the dynamic does ring through in many stereotypical ways to other areas of our relationship, but we are happy and it works for us. I often feel guilty that I rely on him for so much but try to remember that our livelihood and lifestyle depends on me keeping the very job that I have.

[Anonymous]

We go back and forth. Last 2 years I have made more. The split of domestic chores is pretty even. Truth be told we both work under 40hrs (are both in sales) so it's easy to get household stuff done between the 2 of us

[Anonymous]

We make about the same now but for about 20 years I was the primary breadwinner. I made anywhere from 2x to 4x DHs salary. DH was in the govt in pretty high profile jobs but obviously capped salary. Once he left govt his income jumped up. We have always had a good dynamic, share household tasks and kids equally, and have always shared finances.

[Anonymous]

I make about $100k. For about ten years husband made about $15k freelance income. He also took care of the kids. About six months ago he took a part time job for $30k and still freelances.

The extra money has made a surprising difference and he's also happier. We had no problem without it, but it's definitely nice to have. As far as our relationship, money wasn't an issue but I would have loved to have been the parent who stayed home for a while and I didn't have that option.

[Anonymous]

I have always made more money than my husband, sometimes a lot more (when he was in gov't and I was in private sector there were years where I made 2x what he did), now I'm in gov't too and I make about 15K more than him. I couldn't be married to someone who made a ton more than me, like someone in biglaw. Like it or not, most men expect women to be the default parent and if there is a big money disparity I think it would just be worse. Since I had the more demanding job, he had to step up, and I didn't have to be a bitch about it--it just was what it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make slightly more now, but for most of our 15 years together I made significantly more. I am still in the breadwinner role, even though his income finally climbed, because my income is more stable. I'm also the default parent.

The income has not been an issue itself, but we do clash on money management (he doesn't save, doesn't open mail, etc) and the fact it's affecting "my" income has entered into that. We recently had an uncomfortable conversation because he wants a larger house but has not saved at all; we could afford it only by going into my "mad money" which I've saved. I would be willing if he'd made an effort, but not in the current circumstances.

I feel a lot better about my marriage after reading through this thread. There is a ton of resentment pouring out of these posts, and nothing - nothing- will kill a partnership faster than that. All this stuff about "when the kids were young I resented having to pay daycare so he could make his paltry salary..." Wow. Reverse that for a second and how would people react if a guy said that about his wife's career? And PP, you're saying you've made a lot more money than your husband - yet you won't buy a new home because HE hasn't saved HIS money? Aren't these supposed to be joint purchases, that the family buys together? All this progress in terms of women taking charge of their own careers, being equal partners etc - and it seems like half the wives are still pining for a BigLaw/Plastic Surgeon/Wall St Trader who doubles their salary. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

DW: 260K
DH: 115K

He'll probably top out around $150, I'll probably drop back to $150-200. It's not an issue in our house, but the fact that I work insane hours can be. The only issue around $$ is that my husband thinks my current income is sustainable long-term, and I have to constantly correct expectations (biglaw, he's not a lawyer).

[Anonymous]

Unhealthy dynamic. Good situation for the guys. Women bitched their way into the raw deal men have always had and since they are too proud to admit they are stupid the men can settle in and begin to equalize their lifespans with Women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make slightly more now, but for most of our 15 years together I made significantly more. I am still in the breadwinner role, even though his income finally climbed, because my income is more stable. I'm also the default parent.

The income has not been an issue itself, but we do clash on money management (he doesn't save, doesn't open mail, etc) and the fact it's affecting "my" income has entered into that. We recently had an uncomfortable conversation because he wants a larger house but has not saved at all; we could afford it only by going into my "mad money" which I've saved. I would be willing if he'd made an effort, but not in the current circumstances.

I feel a lot better about my marriage after reading through this thread. There is a ton of resentment pouring out of these posts, and nothing - nothing- will kill a partnership faster than that. All this stuff about "when the kids were young I resented having to pay daycare so he could make his paltry salary..." Wow. Reverse that for a second and how would people react if a guy said that about his wife's career? And PP, you're saying you've made a lot more money than your husband - yet you won't buy a new home because HE hasn't saved HIS money? Aren't these supposed to be joint purchases, that the family buys together? All this progress in terms of women taking charge of their own careers, being equal partners etc - and it seems like half the wives are still pining for a BigLaw/Plastic Surgeon/Wall St Trader who doubles their salary. Sigh.

1. You inserted the "paltry," try not to use quotation marks when it's a fictional sentence, and
2. The person you're misquoting was talking specifically about being simultaneously the breadwinner and default parent. Reverse that on this board (some guy posts something similar about once a month) and every response is "divorce the bitch" and/or "I'll marry you, you sound like a prince!"

As far as castigating the PP for not spending "her money," again you're having comprehension problems. They both get mad money, he spent all his, now he wants to spend hers. It's an ant/grasshopper situation, and the entire point of mad money is the spendy person can be wasteful with it without being judged by the fiscally conservative person. But the spendy person can't spend the other person's mad money on a whim, that's nuts.