Does your wife make more than you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make slightly more now, but for most of our 15 years together I made significantly more. I am still in the breadwinner role, even though his income finally climbed, because my income is more stable. I'm also the default parent.

The income has not been an issue itself, but we do clash on money management (he doesn't save, doesn't open mail, etc) and the fact it's affecting "my" income has entered into that. We recently had an uncomfortable conversation because he wants a larger house but has not saved at all; we could afford it only by going into my "mad money" which I've saved. I would be willing if he'd made an effort, but not in the current circumstances.

I feel a lot better about my marriage after reading through this thread. There is a ton of resentment pouring out of these posts, and nothing - nothing- will kill a partnership faster than that. All this stuff about "when the kids were young I resented having to pay daycare so he could make his paltry salary..." Wow. Reverse that for a second and how would people react if a guy said that about his wife's career? And PP, you're saying you've made a lot more money than your husband - yet you won't buy a new home because HE hasn't saved HIS money? Aren't these supposed to be joint purchases, that the family buys together? All this progress in terms of women taking charge of their own careers, being equal partners etc - and it seems like half the wives are still pining for a BigLaw/Plastic Surgeon/Wall St Trader who doubles their salary. Sigh.

NP. It seems that more than half of the people who responded are perfectly happy with their situation. Either because who makes more money is a non-issue in general and in some cases, the wives actually prefer to be the higher earners. The resentment is coming from women, like first pp, who are primary breadwinners and default parents. Or situations where the wives were defaulted into being the primary or sole breadwinner. In other words, it wasn't a mutual decision. I imagine that a man would be similarly resentful in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make slightly more now, but for most of our 15 years together I made significantly more. I am still in the breadwinner role, even though his income finally climbed, because my income is more stable. I'm also the default parent.

The income has not been an issue itself, but we do clash on money management (he doesn't save, doesn't open mail, etc) and the fact it's affecting "my" income has entered into that. We recently had an uncomfortable conversation because he wants a larger house but has not saved at all; we could afford it only by going into my "mad money" which I've saved. I would be willing if he'd made an effort, but not in the current circumstances.

I feel a lot better about my marriage after reading through this thread. There is a ton of resentment pouring out of these posts, and nothing - nothing- will kill a partnership faster than that. All this stuff about "when the kids were young I resented having to pay daycare so he could make his paltry salary..." Wow. Reverse that for a second and how would people react if a guy said that about his wife's career? And PP, you're saying you've made a lot more money than your husband - yet you won't buy a new home because HE hasn't saved HIS money? Aren't these supposed to be joint purchases, that the family buys together? All this progress in terms of women taking charge of their own careers, being equal partners etc - and it seems like half the wives are still pining for a BigLaw/Plastic Surgeon/Wall St Trader who doubles their salary. Sigh.

NP. It seems that more than half of the people who responded are perfectly happy with their situation. Either because who makes more money is a non-issue in general and in some cases, the wives actually prefer to be the higher earners. The resentment is coming from women, like first pp, who are primary breadwinners and default parents. Or situations where the wives were defaulted into being the primary or sole breadwinner. In other words, it wasn't a mutual decision. I imagine that a man would be similarly resentful in this situation.

Please most men do not get the choice. It is only women who think there is a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of resentment going on

Always wondered about this. Didn't these men have the same work ethic and income potential as when these women chose to marry them?

Maybe, maybe not. My wife makes more than I do. Not a huge amount, like 20% more, and it doesn't bother me at all. In fact if given the choice I'd always choose for my wife to make more than me - assuming my salary stays constant in any potential scenario, if my wife makes more than me the end result is always going to be more money for our family, why would I want less money?

Anyway, my wife and I started out with very similar work ethic and income potential. We were both at entry level jobs at nonprofits when we got married and were both on pretty much the same track. About a year after we got married I got offered a federal government position that totally changed the course of my career. It was a big initial raise but had no real growth potential, but the job is incredibly fun and satisfying and has very relaxed requirements. I get to travel to interesting places where I put on fun events, and when I'm at the office I only have enough actual work to take up maybe 20% of my day. I had every intention of moving up the ladder when I started my career, but now I'm in a very stable, very enjoyable, very easy job that while it'll never make me rich, it provides enough money to meet my needs. At this point I really have no desire to give up such a cushy position just for more money.

My wife, on the other hand, became a rising star at her nonprofit, basically running her entire department behind the scenes, then she got recruited by another organization where she became a Director and actually had her own department by the age of 28. She works very hard, (for the nonprofit world) usually 10 hours a day and she still brings home work at night and on the weekends. She doesn't make that much more than me because her organization is small and doesn't pay well, but she's working with headhunters to get another Director position at a much larger organization and if she is successful she will probably make double what I do.

So yeah, we started out with very similar ambition, but along the way ambitions change. I have no desire to trade a fun and stress-free job for more money and she has no desire to stagnate. It works out great because she gets to satisfy her ambitions and will hopefully soon be able to bring in enough money for us to have the fancy lifestyle that she aspires to, and I get to contribute with all the free time I get, doing stuff like getting shopping done, doing projects around the house, standing in line to get hot concert tickets or reservations to fancy restaurants, and that sort of thing.

There's definitely no resentment aside from some good natured joking about how I never have to do anything at work.

[Anonymous]

I make about 200% more than my husband (i'm at 200K, he's at 50K or will be when he finds a job. He keeps getting laid off.) He's helpful around the house. I am the one who spends money so that works out. But I do get resentful if more than 50% of the parenting falls to me. As long as he is pulling his weigh on that front, it's ok with me

[Anonymous]

I make about 3x more than my husband (have always made more than him and probably always will). Conceptually, it doesn't bother him, nor do I resent him for making less. We don't have kids and don't plan to, and although we try to split household responsibilities evenly, a lot of it does fall on me. Partially because I'm type A and just assume responsibility for things, but also because his work is less flexible. I try to remember that I should not expect him to "make up" for his lower salary in other ways - he still works a demanding full-time job just like me and we are a team. We have had to make a conscious effort to make financial decisions together, so that he doesn't feel like I'm the one with all the control.

[Anonymous]

I wish my wife made more money than me -- we'd then have a lot more money. As it is, I make about 50 percent more than she does.

She was home for about the last 2.5 years with our kids, but now that she's back to work, we try to split household responsibilities about evenly. That probably means she does about 60 percent to my 40, if most studies on this topic can be trusted, but we do try.

I don't see our relative salaries as at all relevant in terms of who does what for our family; we both have demanding jobs, mine just pays better. It's a difference of tens of thousands of dollars, though, not hundreds. I do significantly more work-related work at home once our kids are in bed than she does, but I usually don't start that until we've dealt with household-related stuff first. (No, I don't get enough sleep.)

[Anonymous]

Breadwinner and the primary parent. I got it all.

[Anonymous]

DW: $165k
DH: $70k

No issues here. We split things fairly evenly although wife probably takes the lead on the decision-making for the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make about 200% more than my husband (i'm at 200K, he's at 50K or will be when he finds a job. He keeps getting laid off.) He's helpful around the house. I am the one who spends money so that works out. But I do get resentful if more than 50% of the parenting falls to me. As long as he is pulling his weigh on that front, it's ok with me

200k is about 200% more than 50k.... wut?

Where do you work that they pay you 200k?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the sense on here that husbands are normally the breadwinners. Anyone out there who makes substantially more then their husband? Do you guys care about this and is part of a larger dynamic in your marriage?

Dispite being a women’s studies major I stumbled into a specific part of finance and I make the money in the house. My husband works too but is a huge hobbiest w an expensive hobby so he’s thrilled I ended up where I am. No weird dynamic. We have a son. DH and I are equal caregivers. We also have a nanny.

Anyone else make way more money then their DH? DHs with this set up, is this good or bad for your marriage?

The difference is that if the roles were reversed, there is no way in hell that he would be an equal caregiver. In families where the man makes most of the money, women do most of the childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make about 200% more than my husband (i'm at 200K, he's at 50K or will be when he finds a job. He keeps getting laid off.) He's helpful around the house. I am the one who spends money so that works out. But I do get resentful if more than 50% of the parenting falls to me. As long as he is pulling his weigh on that front, it's ok with me

200k is about 200% more than 50k.... wut?

Where do you work that they pay you 200k?

LOL. I was trying to work out any possible way she could have done that math and... nothin'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make about 200% more than my husband (i'm at 200K, he's at 50K or will be when he finds a job. He keeps getting laid off.) He's helpful around the house. I am the one who spends money so that works out. But I do get resentful if more than 50% of the parenting falls to me. As long as he is pulling his weigh on that front, it's ok with me

200k is about 200% more than 50k.... wut?

Where do you work that they pay you 200k?

LOL. I was trying to work out any possible way she could have done that math and... nothin'.

50k is 0% more than 50k

55k is 10% more than 50k

75k is 50% more than 50k

100k is 100% more than 50k

200k is 200% more than 50k

[Anonymous]

I make 3x as much as my DH. I get pissed when he says things like "you shouldn't buy that, it's too expensive" but then goes out and buys something frivolous for himself. I want to yell "it's my money buying that for you!!!" but I don't because he's a great father and I love him. Even though he's not at all ambitious. I wish he made more so I could work less hours and spend more time with my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make about 200% more than my husband (i'm at 200K, he's at 50K or will be when he finds a job. He keeps getting laid off.) He's helpful around the house. I am the one who spends money so that works out. But I do get resentful if more than 50% of the parenting falls to me. As long as he is pulling his weigh on that front, it's ok with me

200k is about 200% more than 50k.... wut?

Where do you work that they pay you 200k?

LOL. I was trying to work out any possible way she could have done that math and... nothin'.

50k is 0% more than 50k

55k is 10% more than 50k

75k is 50% more than 50k

100k is 100% more than 50k

200k is 200% more than 50k wrong

See above

[Anonymous]

I earn 2x my husband’s salary; but he has far superior benefits. We are both educated and respect each other’s careers. Most of our marriage he out earned me, so this is a more recent change. We don’t argue about money, but we both talk each other down from unnecessary purchases (well we try at least, the other is not always successful).