I don't want Grandparents taking baby for the night every week

[Anonymous]

Don't do this. You're opening the door to the grandparents asserting some kind of visitation rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does he want to do that?

I hate to say this, but they have money and[b] I think he wants to butter them (his mom who controls everything) up. Honestly, even once a month seems too much to me. I think it's fine if he goes over there during the day - which he has been doing once a week forever - which is also a lot - but this new idea of the baby sleeping over there is too much.

Say more about this bolded statement, OP.

Well I think the money is a motivating factor for him. It seems like he is constantly trying to butter his mother up even though she is not very nice to him. I thought she genuinely loved our son but through various instances and factors I have come to suspect she enjoys him more for the newfound stardom of a baby grandson with her friends. Even though his father makes all the money his mother controls all the finances and reigns with a tight fist and grip. Essentially I think his mother wants to see the baby and he wants to do everything he can to (in his mind) appease and please her.

So he wants to send your newborn to stay with a woman who doesn’t even like him. Your DH is fecked in the head. You need to shut this shit down

[Anonymous]

Don’t commit to anything ongoing. Just do a test sleepover when you are ready. Then you can do them as often as you are comfortable (which may be not at all or may be once per week or somewhere in between). My dd (15mo) goes to my in laws about every two weeks. It’s great for them because they get to have her at their house where they feel most comfortable and be the primary caretakers for a day/night. They have an awesome bond with her. But we don’t have any scheduled commitment and I wouldn’t like that—I like to decide when I’m ready for a break and then send her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say no.

I feel like I can't just say no. He's both of our son so I feel like I need to get his agreement. I can't just dictate. Am I wrong here?

Grow a pair. The answer is no. And if you throw a cultural line of crap in here about how you have to go along with you DH wishes, I will scream

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you also need to pay attention to something else. I suspect your husband also wants attention, and sees this as a way to get his pre-baby relationship back. Now, is once a week too often? Probably. But pay attention to the relationship between the two of you and don’t let the baby become the only thing the two of you have together.

Unfortunately, the baby is the only thing the two of us have together. Our relationship was awful before the baby came. After the baby my husband has been so happy/focused on the baby/loves being a dad/having a family that he is no longer the awful, controlling, borderline emotional abuser he was before. And we have been to counseling, as someone suggested. Not a lot of help. So the baby actually "saved" our relationship (knowing full well that a baby saving a relationship does not exist). But I digress. Now that it is the morning of the night he is taking him, I keep wondering more and more if this was all my husband's idea and his parents didn't ask for the baby overnight at all. Having the baby overnight is hard work! As he is still not 100% sleeping through the night. I keep wondering if he framed this as a favor to us to take the baby. And no, as someone suggested, my husband has no interest in our relationship so it was not "needing a night out" or whatever - he said he had errands he wanted to take care of. But it makes no sense that the baby would prevent him from doing errands because I am the one who takes care of him all day and all night.

You know, giving us all of the back story in the beginning would have been useful. Now I just feel sorry for your band aid baby.

[Anonymous]

No way would I be comfortable with that. Babysitting for a few hours? Sure. Baby is way too young to be from his parents.

[Anonymous]

I'm generally super laid back, but my alarm bells are clanging so much on this one...

Ask yourself some questions:

First, the only reason your infant should spend the night away from you is because you - the mother - deem it necessary. If you're worn out, need some time with your partner, need to travel for work, etc., and you trust someone enough to take your infant overnight, great. Is this the case?

Second, are you OK with setting this precedent for the long run? Because there's no set term here. If your child spends one night a week at his grandparents' house, he's doing it...well...until he says no or your inlaws say no. This isn't a short-term thing. Are you OK with that?

Third (and you know this already), once the razzle dazzle of the newborn period is over, your temporarily tolerable DH is going to be just as awful as he was before. Probably worse. There's no greater test of a marriage than parenting, and if things were bad before, they're only going to get worse when strained by the challenge of raising, disciplining, and caring for a small person. Do you honestly see yourself parenting with this man?

You said he was emotionally abusive. I believe it. You're doubting your instincts as a mother, your autonomy as a human, and your value as an equal partner in a marriage, because your DH AND HIS PARENTS are bullying you into thinking you're wrong. Please don't give them this power.

I say this with certainty: there's something rotten in the state of Denmark. And if anyone tries to tell you your DH is trying to "reconnect" with you once a week, it's BS. Nothing puts a woman in the mood like yanking her baby from her against her will, amIright? My God. Please don't ignore the warning signs here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given your post at 07:54 - Ask yourself a hard, sad question. Is your husband planning on leaving you and working on his backup babysitting options via his parents for when he has split custody?

I had the exact same thought. If/when you divorce, MIL will probably watch the baby when your husband has him and your husband is "testing" this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you also need to pay attention to something else. I suspect your husband also wants attention, and sees this as a way to get his pre-baby relationship back. Now, is once a week too often? Probably. But pay attention to the relationship between the two of you and don’t let the baby become the only thing the two of you have together.

Unfortunately, the baby is the only thing the two of us have together. Our relationship was awful before the baby came. After the baby my husband has been so happy/focused on the baby/loves being a dad/having a family that he is no longer the awful, controlling, borderline emotional abuser he was before. And we have been to counseling, as someone suggested. Not a lot of help. So the baby actually "saved" our relationship (knowing full well that a baby saving a relationship does not exist). But I digress. Now that it is the morning of the night he is taking him, I keep wondering more and more if this was all my husband's idea and his parents didn't ask for the baby overnight at all. Having the baby overnight is hard work! As he is still not 100% sleeping through the night. I keep wondering if he framed this as a favor to us to take the baby. And no, as someone suggested, my husband has no interest in our relationship so it was not "needing a night out" or whatever - he said he had errands he wanted to take care of. But it makes no sense that the baby would prevent him from doing errands because I am the one who takes care of him all day and all night.

You know, giving us all of the back story in the beginning would have been useful. Now I just feel sorry for your band aid baby.

Hmm, this is a classic troll sign. Drop some problem that everyone gets worked up about and then come back in a few pages later with some additional info that would have helped all along.

[Anonymous]

Here are some suggestions on how to address this directly with MIL when she insists on an overnight:

"Betty, I'm not sure why you wouldn't want to enjoy DS while he's awake. I'd love for you to come over and spend some time with him between naps today while I run to the store and answer some emails. Thanks so much!"

When MIL insists you need a break, agree with her and ask if she'd be willing to take your husband one night a week so you can enjoy some peace with your baby for once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here are some suggestions on how to address this directly with MIL when she insists on an overnight:

"Betty, I'm not sure why you wouldn't want to enjoy DS while he's awake. I'd love for you to come over and spend some time with him between naps today while I run to the store and answer some emails. Thanks so much!"

When MIL insists you need a break, agree with her and ask if she'd be willing to take your husband one night a week so you can enjoy some peace with your baby for once.

That's pretty funny. So I asked him - did your parents *ask* for him overnight? And he's like - try didn't really ask but I know they want him. And I'm like - so this is your idea? And he's like well... and I'm like ok because I'm not ok with it. I think if we're going somewhere and we need them to take him that's one thing but otherwise I'm not ok with overnight. He needs to be with his mother. And he goes I disagree these are his grandparents. And I said I understand that but not overnight. I don't even feel comfortable with them taking him tonight. And he goes well I have it all set up. And I'm like well we can do it tonight but I don't want to do this again. He's going to pick him up tomorrow night. I just don't even know why he wants to do this. I would be ok I guess with them seeing him today but I'd really like him home at night. And frankly I'd really like him home during the day since I work. But there are various extenuating circumstances which prevent MIL from coming to our house during the week and DH wouldn't want to drive out there to drop him off before work so when they see him it's usually he says I want to take him to my parents on Sunday. But this overnight stuff is new. So we kind of tabled it but I did tell him I didn't like it and didn't want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm generally super laid back, but my alarm bells are clanging so much on this one...

Ask yourself some questions:

First, the only reason your infant should spend the night away from you is because you - the mother - deem it necessary. If you're worn out, need some time with your partner, need to travel for work, etc., and you trust someone enough to take your infant overnight, great. Is this the case?

Second, are you OK with setting this precedent for the long run? Because there's no set term here. If your child spends one night a week at his grandparents' house, he's doing it...well...until he says no or your inlaws say no. This isn't a short-term thing. Are you OK with that?

Third (and you know this already), once the razzle dazzle of the newborn period is over, your temporarily tolerable DH is going to be just as awful as he was before. Probably worse. There's no greater test of a marriage than parenting, and if things were bad before, they're only going to get worse when strained by the challenge of raising, disciplining, and caring for a small person. Do you honestly see yourself parenting with this man?

You said he was emotionally abusive. I believe it. You're doubting your instincts as a mother, your autonomy as a human, and your value as an equal partner in a marriage, because your DH AND HIS PARENTS are bullying you into thinking you're wrong. Please don't give them this power.

I say this with certainty: there's something rotten in the state of Denmark. And if anyone tries to tell you your DH is trying to "reconnect" with you once a week, it's BS. Nothing puts a woman in the mood like yanking her baby from her against her will, amIright? My God. Please don't ignore the warning signs here.

Yes I think you're right in every single thing you say. The only thing I would say is he is a great, loving, kind dad. He loves the baby more
Than anything and is really good to him. I suspect it is because he sees the baby as an extension of himself. And he has been treating me wonderfully as the mother of his child. I don't buy it for a second but it is what it is. He is very emotionally immature. The only reason I mention this is that I think he is a good parent. However he has already started undermining me in the tiniest little "discipline" (for a 6 month old! Not discipline but I couldn't think of another word.) but when I told our son no you can't pinch - just to start trying to break him of the habit because he's a really bad pincher my husband laughs with him. I am probably particularly sensitive to this because he used to do it with my cat that he wanted to love him. I wouldn't let the cat out and told him I didn't want him out and he would always let him out anyway (it was just on a terrace).

[Anonymous]

How your inner alarm bells aren’t going off with this situation is beyond me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How your inner alarm bells aren’t going off with this situation is beyond me.

They obviously are or I wouldn't be posting on an anonymous message board. But I just don't know what to do about it. We've achieved some peace and tranquillity that I highly suspect will not last but I don't know that for sure - and I just don't know what to do. Yank everything up and tear it up? Or just continue in our relatively peaceful "happy" home (probably happiest from my point of view when we don't see each other too much). He also just got a big raise and we are talking about me staying home. I have a very well paying job and I'm not sure it makes sense for me to have no money in this relationship because he is very stingy but I also want to be home with the baby and then I know the inlaw stuff would bother me less if I saw him all the time. (Obviously that wouldn't be a determining factor just a point).

[Anonymous]

The very worst thing you could do in a shaky marriage is quit your job. Don’t do it!