My son is about to marry a blonde

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:White-asian again. You are not a nice guy, sorry.

My Vietnamese MIL described to me all that her MIL made her suffer, and said she never wanted to visit that on the next generation. My husband and his siblings were never afraid to speak up when their parents were wrong. What medieval bubble do you live in? I don't know of any asian parents who would react like you and your wife did. Please stop spreading misinformation and making asian people look bad.

It is one thing if you're Vietnamese and were born in the US, it is another thing if you came to the US from Vietnam as teenagers, like the OP. There are certain rules and things you were taught as teenagers that you will have a hard time to let go even though you know they don't apply here in the US. I can understand where the OP come from because I came to the US from Vietnam when I was 16 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait a min... isn't another strongly engrained asian tradition, that the man of the house is the master, and if he insists, then its basically "law of the house"?

Dude, put your foot down. She will eventually relent.

Not if the wife is a "tiger" mom LOL....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is a racist b**tch.

+1

I hope she never sees her grandkids. You should go to the wedding if you want to see them. If I were your DIL, I wouldn't want anything to do with her after this. Oh wait--I AM a DIL in those shoes. I don't care if my MIL falls off the edge of the world. She never even met me, once she heard that I wasn't _______, she refused to meet me.

Her loss.

(left blank, because it's really irrelevant isn't it?)

Not saying your position is not understandable nor unjustifiable, but kids tend to emulate their parents behavior when they grow up. May MIL see her grandkids if she has a genuine change of heart? Would that be good enough? One thing I've learnt in my life is to never hold permanent grudges and people do in fact change. It may never happen, but there's always that chance.

[Anonymous]

By making this into a war, your wife is ensuring that they will get married. Now he has to prove to you that he’s adult enough to make this decision. He’s a 26 years old male. Odds are if you back off and give your blessing, in a couple of years they will break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait a min... isn't another strongly engrained asian tradition, that the man of the house is the master, and if he insists, then its basically "law of the house"?

Dude, put your foot down. She will eventually relent.

Not if the wife is a "tiger" mom LOL....

It's a generalization but there are outliers. Heck, you can even generalize that in some parts of the U.S.

Actually, in Shanghai, the roles are reversed where husbands are subservient to their wives in certain context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the OP: you sound like a good egg.

I think you should drag your wife to the wedding. Maybe you should put your foot down?

This will hopefully be your son's only wedding, your wife is going to regret not being a part of it.

Nope, any father that won't attend a wonderful son's wedding to a nice woman because of his own racist, unrelenting wife is not a "good egg"--he is a weak man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the OP: you sound like a good egg.

I think you should drag your wife to the wedding. Maybe you should put your foot down?

This will hopefully be your son's only wedding, your wife is going to regret not being a part of it.

Nope, any father that won't attend a wonderful son's wedding to a nice woman because of his own racist, unrelenting wife is not a "good egg"--he is a weak man.

Yeah. You need to grow a set, OP. You can't, and shouldn't, make your wife attend, but I'd say this: "Look, I think we should both go. But whether you go or not, and I think you'll regret it if you don't, I am going. He's our only child and I'm not missing his wedding."

This notion that you have to stand with her when she's so blatantly wrong, and racist, is just nonsense.

[Anonymous]

I hope you are preparing yourselves to never seeing your grandchildren or having a meaningful relationship

[Anonymous]

OP, consider the long term consequences of this. I realize that your wife is doing this in hopes that parental disapproval will stop your son from marrying this woman. However, your son was born and raised here and is a product of the US culture, and parental disapproval just doesn't have the same weight here. This will result in serious damage to your relationship with your son. It's possible that your son and his wife will never fully forgive you for not being there for them. Wouldn't your wife (and you too) be devastated if they have kids and you don't get to be a part of their lives due to this? Please think hard about what you're doing and ask your wife to do the same.

[Anonymous]

I'm a first generation Asian. I think OP is doing the best he could under these circumstances. His wife is his wife and he has to respect her position even if he disagrees.

The fact that OP is financially generous (50K for honeymoon and a house in the future) means a lot. That's really helpful for a young couple. I'm sure that his wife knows about this. If she was really dead set against the fiancee, then she would've been looking to disinherit the son and OP wouldn't have been able to send the money. So the wife's angry and disappointed but she will eventually get over it. Asian parents act tough but show that they still love their children with their actions.

In Asian families, it's always easier to ask forgiveness than permission. But that usually comes with a period of adjustment where everyone is pissed off at each other while a new normal is being established. Once a new normal is established, people will do what they need to do in order to accept it because family is important. OP's wife will eventually accept her new DIL because the DIL is a permanent fixture in her son's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

1- I am not against the marriage. I am very happy for him and his GF. That's why I told him and his GF they should get married,
2- I can't attend the wedding if my wife is not going. As much as I am happy for my son and his wife to be, she is still my wife,
3- No, my wife and I do NOT plan to live with them when we get older. In fact, we're ready to give them the house in Great Falls so that we can move into a condo. My wife is still in shock that his wife to be is not Asians. I think she will get over it in time, I just don't know how long,
4- I was raised in a culture where parents are never wrong, even when they clearly are. As a son or daughter, you just have to accept that fact and keep trying. One day, water will be under the bridge when they see grand children, everything will be good.

I know those days will come. I just hope those days will come sooner rather than later. Right now, I am her punching bag and nothing I said matter


thank you all for sharing your thoughts

I would absolutely not count on getting to repair everything once there are kids. No way in hell would I let my kids spend time with someone that shunned me, that's insanity. I wouldn't trust you out of my sight and earshot and would tolerate short supervised visits but in no way encourage a close relationship between you and my kid.

I think I get OP. It's easier for me (Asian myself) to understand. The cultural pull is a lot stronger than people realize.

Yes - but the son is marrying a non-asian who doesn't share this culture. She will not feel compelled to forgive and forget the people that shunned her just because there are kids. You don't get to treat someone like dirt and then expect them to forgive you when its convenient, certainly not someone that you've never treated like family and doesn't share your culture so they have no reason to treat you like family or share your cultural view back

+1
My aunt learned this the hard way. After strongly disapproving of my cousin's wife she came gushing and cooing when their twins arrived, expecting to be welcomed with open arms. Didn't work that way. They gave her a chance but she was only nice to the kids while being mean to DIL. Cousin and wife have been happily married for almost 20 years. Grandma only has a formal relationship with all of them.

Omg you just described our family yo a T but married 10 years not 20.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are trying to do the right thing.

I would advise you to take this a step further and tell your wife that one of you must see your son get married and if she will not, that you are going. Show your support to your child and this new woman who probably had no idea quite how difficult this would be for her.

Your will will get over this eventually. Especially if there are children in the future. DIL may not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a first generation Asian. I think OP is doing the best he could under these circumstances. His wife is his wife and he has to respect her position even if he disagrees.

The fact that OP is financially generous (50K for honeymoon and a house in the future) means a lot. That's really helpful for a young couple. I'm sure that his wife knows about this. If she was really dead set against the fiancee, then she would've been looking to disinherit the son and OP wouldn't have been able to send the money. So the wife's angry and disappointed but she will eventually get over it. Asian parents act tough but show that they still love their children with their actions.

In Asian families, it's always easier to ask forgiveness than permission. But that usually comes with a period of adjustment where everyone is pissed off at each other while a new normal is being established. Once a new normal is established, people will do what they need to do in order to accept it because family is important. OP's wife will eventually accept her new DIL because the DIL is a permanent fixture in her son's life.

You are making the same mistake as all OP's other enablers - looking at this solely from the point of view of "his wife will one day accept her DIL." But what about the DIL? And the son? Are you just assuming they'll be fine with it? Because in the son, or DIL's situation, I certainly would not be likely to foster a close relationship, or make it easy for her (or OP) to see the grandkids once she "comes around."

This is, of course, if you need a practical reason. For most people, the fact that the wife is staking out a blatantly racist position would be enough for them to say, "I know you're my wife, but that's racist and I'm not going along. I hope you'll join me at the wedding."

So, are you saying that Asian culture requires acceptance of racism by one spouse if the other spouts it off? If that's the case, it doesn;t speak very well of those cultures.

[Anonymous]

I think your wife will come around. I think it’s just human to feel disappointed when what you imagined for your child turns out differently. But that’s reality and she needs to give up the fanrasy she had and accept it.. With time, she can come to love your son’s fiance.

[Anonymous]

Learn to put your Foot Down... get to the wedding with or without Tiger Mom.