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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I was 38 and made peace with never getting married or having kids. But at that age I wasn’t going to waste my time on someone who wasn’t seriously moving towards marriage. But by making peace with it, it meant if I never met a guy who wanted something serious, I was happy walking away. I think it made me less desperate. “This is what I want and if you don’t, cool, I’m moving on”.

Told him very early on, like first couple of conversations. If that scared him off, so be it. (Although, I made it clear I wasn’t sure if I wanted to marry him. I didn’t know him well enough. I just wanted to marry at some point. But was cool if I never did. )

And I was the most real I’ve ever been in a relationship. I was dealing with a long term illness and didn’t have the energy to be ‘ON’ all the time.

We were married 22 months later when I was 40. [/quote]

OP here, thank you, I love this!

I've had moments where I'm at peace with being single the rest of my life. Then I meet someone, spend lots of time together and grow to like them, but get bummed when it doesn't work out. Then I find it tougher to get back to that place of peace I was in before I met them, and was content with my fabulous singlehood.

I'm curious, how did you hand the emotional letdown of the relationships or dating that didn't pan out, before you met your husband? Did you stay emotionally unavailable?[/quote]

Well, it had been years since I dated because of my illness. But prior to him, I’d find a good guy and work hard to make it work. Because that’s what everyone told me you had to do. With DH, it was easy. Not saying we didn’t have bumps in the beginning (he was wary of getting involved with me while I was still recovering). But I was the most emotionally available, yet not needy. I don’t quite know how to explain it. My heart was open, but if he didn’t want to see me one weekend, I was totally cool with that. And not in a “I’m going to act cool about it, but really I’m going to sit at home and fret about why you don’t want to see me”. People can feel that energy. I truly had faith that if Things didn’t work out, I’d be okay. So not seeing me this weekend wasn’t a ‘sign’ he was about to dump me. The guy was tired and just wanted to play video games with his friends. So I was accepting him for exactly who he was. He accepted me for exactly who I am. And most importantly, I accepted myself for exactly who I am.

I think the fear of opening up and being rejected makes people act in ways that can hurt budding relationships. I realize that if he rejected me 1) it would hurt really bad, but I’d survive and 2) it wasn’t about me. I wasn’t bad or damaged or any other negative thing. We just didn’t fit right. And when I see my FB feed of all my ex boyfriends, I can really see they are good guys who were wrong for me.

So the combo of just being right for each other plus both being clear I wanted to only date if we were moving towards marriage plus the acceptance that I’d be cool if I never got married plus being open, loving, accepting and fearless just lined everything up in the right way.

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