old friend dropped bombshell - would love your insights

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has issues, OP. She's probably a very unhappy person overall. And that is even SADDER since I'm assuming she's over 50, too. We all should know better by now.

Try not to dwell on it too much.

Discussed with an old friend last night - she met my friend less than a handful of times many years ago. She conjectured that jealousy may be a factor. Perhaps that's the case or at least part of it. The coffee conversation does not sting as much as it did earlier in the week, but still feel a bit sad and unsettled. OTOH, trying to glean what I can - "don't harbor grudges and, if I do so, then muster some grace, too."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the incident that offended her?

+1

Mentioned in my OP: she believed Dh and I, particularly DH, were rude when she and her then BF visited us years ago. Guessing there was some misunderstanding in if going out, staying in, etc. Young kids then so could be case one was sick and we couldn't go. FWIW, she didn't offer many details about what transpired but chided me by saying she knew I wouldn't remember the incident. Felt gratuitous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Although this would shock me, I would try to frame it less personally. It may be that the friend and your DH were not compatible and that can make it an uncomfortable friendship at least from her perspective. The incident itself may have been the excuse she needed and so she gave it more importance than it warranted. That’s why it’s so strange to you, you are viewing it singularly.

She sounds like she handles things internally and is not good at direct communication. She may not have been able to get through the awkwardness of contacting you for those major events with this perceived stumbling block.

This meeting may have been her attempt at clearing the air now that she is older and wiser but not much better at communicating. You shouldn’t feel crappy about it – I get the impression that despite the shock you handled it gracefully.

Good framing and insights - thanks for sharing them. When I discussed with DH (he apologized and said he felt bad about whatever role he played), he pointed out that she seems to be very sensitive about my conduct yet lacking much introspection on her own behavior. He said a lot of his feelings about her over the years had been shaped by how he felt she was always treated herself as a little superior to me as well as being fairly selfish. Perhaps what has bothered me here is that I think I've been kind of "warts and all" with her - I've known about the superiority and selfishness, but decided to overlook because I enjoyed other aspects of her company. Guessing not a two-way street for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the incident that offended her?

+1

Mentioned in my OP: she believed Dh and I, particularly DH, were rude when she and her then BF visited us years ago. Guessing there was some misunderstanding in if going out, staying in, etc. Young kids then so could be case one was sick and we couldn't go. FWIW, she didn't offer many details about what transpired but chided me by saying she knew I wouldn't remember the incident. Felt gratuitous.

I was the +1 and I did read that but I thought she detailed it for you. She's nuts- count your blessings that she's been out of your life.

[Anonymous]

Sorry that happened, OP. I don't know if you're still reading this thread, but I feel your pain.

My best friend and I had a falling out about 30 years ago over a very minor matter. I've tried repeatedly to reach out to her (this year I sent her a birthday card, no response from her), but she has rebuffed every attempt to reestablish a relationship, if not a friendship.

I mention this because there are some people who just LOVE to hold grudges! I read recently that grudges stimulate the PLEASURE center of the brain!! So, your friend gets something out of holding a grudge against you! Obviously that's her issue, and her problem. The problem with grudges is that they prevent your brain from feeling calm and peaceful, which is what forgiveness gives you. Friends who can't forgive will never find peace.

I can see how it would be upsetting, OP. She was smacking you around, blaming you for the childish grudge she's been carrying around for years, which is obviously part of a larger picture of (immaturity?) dysfunctional behavior on her part.

My former best friend's sister told me her sister (my former friend) is not the same person she was when we were growing up together. She was a great person then, but something changed. I've let go, but when I think of her, I feel sad. She was funny and fun and really helped me get through the tough times of my adolescence. I miss her and wish she'd let go of her stupid grudge over whatever it was (I can't even remember at this point!). But I'm not holding my breath! 30 years is a long time!

Let it go, OP. Forgive your friend for her immaturity and move on.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the incident didn't occur and she's imagining it.

[Anonymous]

She is a complete jerk! And she is no friend. At this point she’s not the person you were once friends with. Completely put her in the past and forget about her. Sheesh, she is awful! You and more so your husband were somehow rude and that justifies ignoring you for ten years and not even sending condolences when your mother or sibling died? She sounds like a psycho.

[Anonymous]

Whatever. One of the benefits of getting older is that I don't have the time for these games. Be nice. Be polite. Spend time with her if you want to. If not, move on without a worry.

[Anonymous]

Oh wow, OP. What a disappointment and such a loss of your hope of friendship.
I can tend to ruminate on these kinds of thing....think of things I could have said. You sound like you have such a kind spirit. I hope you can be kind to yourself and let it go.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me, too. I HAD been inadvertently rude to my friend (she shared something with me, I ignored her, but I never actually heard her tell me). So, she was annoyed at me.

But what can you do? Mistakes. Apolgize, and if you like this person, let her part of it go. If you don't really like her, then have a hissy fit and stop being friends.

[Anonymous]

Friendships come with responsibility. She did not live up to her responsibility, regardless of what you did/didn't do. Her stability, her motives, are suspect if, supposedly, an issue was important to her but was never brought up before. Op, I would do all in your power to avoid getting involved.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem like a wonderful, warm and caring friends. however, your DH had a much better read on this person than you did. do not contact her again. if you do, stop apologizing. it was a long time ago and it is debatable whether you did anything really wrong to begin with. i very much doubt you would forget a major misstep, much less something that warrants years of silence.

[Anonymous]

Omg I had a friend do this exact thing to me!!!!! Same thing... called me for lunch ten years later and said, “you remember when we had you over for dinner? Well, you never wrote us a thank you note and my wife gave you all that advice about taking care of kids.”
That’s right, at that dinner, I was eight months pregnant and my husband was overseas but my cut off ties because I didn’t write a thank you note!

[Anonymous]

Wow! Who needs enemies with friends like that! She is trying to give you a free trip! Guilt trip! Tell her no thanks and move on

[Anonymous]

Ten years of silence?
Not worth your time to feel bad.