old friend dropped bombshell - would love your insights

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what?

Screw her.

Whatever foul you committed 10 years ago is nothing compared to a decade of passive-aggressive pouting.

+q

Screw her. She doesn’t deserve your friendship, OP.

[Anonymous]

She's gross. But silver lining OP, you have been better off all these years without her, and now you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AND sister? Jesus Christ OP, this selfish jerk ignores your emails about family members dying and then comes at you with a peevish little grievance? Nah you're good.

This response says it all.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for everyone's responses - really appreciate folks taking the time. I was so discombobulated after it happened that I was not trusting my gut on what felt like a suckerpunch.

I wavered about where to post this thread - Relationships, Off Topic, etc - was not as straightforward to me unlike other posts I have for the site. Ultimately I chose Fifty and Over and am glad that I did. The comments have ranged from colorful to incisive, to compassionate to succinct, and believe that has to do with the perspective that many of us have after years making it work (or not sometimes).

Thanks for the support - just what I needed after some challenging times. XO!

[Anonymous]

Silence is not friendship. I wonder if your friend hoped her silence would lead to you begging her for "why" she's been silent. Even if not, it's a better sign of a true friend if she'd have reached out to say that she was hurt by the visit she'd had with you in the past, giving you a chance then to perhaps apologize or at least understand her feelings. A true friend doesn't wait 10 years to put you in your place. It sounds like you've lived a fine life for the last 10 years without this person. Some friendships aren't meant to last a lifetime, and I've had some of those, too. We all make mistakes. Please forgive yourself (and her) for being imperfect humans and you can continue to live your life the best you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Silence is not friendship. I wonder if your friend hoped her silence would lead to you begging her for "why" she's been silent. Even if not, it's a better sign of a true friend if she'd have reached out to say that she was hurt by the visit she'd had with you in the past, giving you a chance then to perhaps apologize or at least understand her feelings. A true friend doesn't wait 10 years to put you in your place. It sounds like you've lived a fine life for the last 10 years without this person. Some friendships aren't meant to last a lifetime, and I've had some of those, too. We all make mistakes. Please forgive yourself (and her) for being imperfect humans and you can continue to live your life the best you can.

I reached out a couple of times - think I mentioned - congratulating her on some life milestones, etc. Radio silence. She acknowledged that when we met - received them but chose not to respond. Okay, got that. Agree with you and some of the other PPs that even if she were hurt, she should have raised the issue, cleared the air, and see how I responded. Basically she "sentenced" me without having any conversation over what happened. Seeing more clearly that this fits in with what felt like her judging me when we met (as well as in the past). Part of me wants to ask, "if you think I'm not worthy, why are you even bothering with this?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Old friend, who had not been in touch for years, pinged me and asked if we could get coffee while in DC for a conference. Was thrilled as I had not heard from her for nearly ten years, even after the death of my mom, a sibling, and a few other major crises. Coffee was amiable enough - caught up a bit on life changes, especially a lot of about what had happened to her. We lead very different lives - she had a lot of opinions on my parenting, but I didn't think so much of it as have BTDT with others. Then she drops bombshell that she had been out of touch as she believed DH and I had been rude to her and her boyfriend (now DH) when they had visited for a conference nearly ten years ago. I did not remember the incident and felt terrible about it. She said she thought it was more DH, but that the whole thing had been rude and she saw no reason to contact me. She acknowledged that she had received emails from me over the years when I had sent congratulations on some professional accomplishments, etc but elected not to respond.

I apologized profusely. I told her I didn't remember this visit (have no recollection of her BF ever staying with us), but still felt bad that this happened - that it was entirely plausible. Both kids were under 5 if her chronology is correct, but I didn't say, "I'm sure I messed up a lot of times when I was exhausted when they were young." She told me she expected I would not remember - I chose to not ask her what that meant.

Left the coffee feeling bad about what had happened and apologized again. On the metro home, I turned the years over in my head. I was deeply, deeply hurt that she did not reach out when my mom died, mainly because I did a lot of the organizing for her mom's memorial service, from food to ferrying guests to cleaning her family house. She never thanked me for it, though I didn't think about it that much at the time. She was in pain, her family is not so functional, and that's what friends do. Now I am sort of dumbstruck - would it have been too hard to just email "sorry about your mom"? When we lived in DC in our early and mid 20s, she would have an occasional grievance, yet have little to no insight about her own conduct in other situations and how her actions may also hurt me or others. FWIW, I was a lot more looped into her life than she into mine. My family (parents, etc) had/have their issues and most UMC folks, even middle class, don't understand them. I learned a long time ago to not talk too much about them unless the person grokked it.

I have had a lot of challenges over the last eight years - the 50s are not easy! - it was nice to see her and hear how she is doing. Yet I also feel pretty crappy now. She didn't really ask many questions and when she did, felt like she was kind of judgy in her responses. Am now wondering if she asked to meet just to clear the air, then move on. I guess that's fine. Now realizing if I were to do such a thing, I hope I would bring a little more grace and perspective to the conversation.

Why are you apologizing, she’s not your friend. She just wanted to stick the knife in you and twist it around.

[Anonymous]

That's not a bombshell. The only possible bombshell is that she's rude, petty, and self-absorbed.

You know what? Sounds like you were better off without her those last 10 years and will be better off without her for the next 10. So keep on keepin' on without her in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what?

Screw her.

Whatever foul you committed 10 years ago is nothing compared to a decade of passive-aggressive pouting.

+1. Good riddance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Silence is not friendship. I wonder if your friend hoped her silence would lead to you begging her for "why" she's been silent. Even if not, it's a better sign of a true friend if she'd have reached out to say that she was hurt by the visit she'd had with you in the past, giving you a chance then to perhaps apologize or at least understand her feelings. A true friend doesn't wait 10 years to put you in your place. It sounds like you've lived a fine life for the last 10 years without this person. Some friendships aren't meant to last a lifetime, and I've had some of those, too. We all make mistakes. Please forgive yourself (and her) for being imperfect humans and you can continue to live your life the best you can.

I reached out a couple of times - think I mentioned - congratulating her on some life milestones, etc. Radio silence. She acknowledged that when we met - received them but chose not to respond. Okay, got that. Agree with you and some of the other PPs that even if she were hurt, she should have raised the issue, cleared the air, and see how I responded. Basically she "sentenced" me without having any conversation over what happened. Seeing more clearly that this fits in with what felt like her judging me when we met (as well as in the past). Part of me wants to ask, "if you think I'm not worthy, why are you even bothering with this?"

I think you are getting really good support here. I do wonder why she did even bother? Did you get any sense? Does she want to rekindle the friendship? Did she want to come clean? How did you all leave things? Was it left as she may (or may not?) contact you again, or you may contact her? For pete's sake, did she even appreciate you reaching out in the past, or did she even acknowledge missing these past events in your life (your losses, or even any positive things, like you acknowledged her positive things)?

How did you even know of her positive milestones? Through mutual friends?

I just find this so weird. And I'm getting angry on your behalf. I've experienced both - reestablished contact after a long period of disconnect (without either of us airing greivances - just a slow reestablishment), and an "I miss you can't we work this out" type after a blow up. This seems to fall into an entirely different category!

[Anonymous]

She has issues, OP. She's probably a very unhappy person overall. And that is even SADDER since I'm assuming she's over 50, too. We all should know better by now.

Try not to dwell on it too much.

[Anonymous]

Didn't reach out when your mom died due to some perceived slight that she didn't mention to you? This b___ isn't your friend and never was. I'm sorry, OP. I would suggest you block her from making further contact with you. What a horrid human being.

[Anonymous]

What was the incident that offended her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was the incident that offended her?

+1

[Anonymous]

Although this would shock me, I would try to frame it less personally. It may be that the friend and your DH were not compatible and that can make it an uncomfortable friendship at least from her perspective. The incident itself may have been the excuse she needed and so she gave it more importance than it warranted. That’s why it’s so strange to you, you are viewing it singularly.

She sounds like she handles things internally and is not good at direct communication. She may not have been able to get through the awkwardness of contacting you for those major events with this perceived stumbling block.

This meeting may have been her attempt at clearing the air now that she is older and wiser but not much better at communicating. You shouldn’t feel crappy about it – I get the impression that despite the shock you handled it gracefully.