Parents demanding grandchildren

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sorority sister had the same issue with her parents for a while until she sat down with them to discuss why she and her husband were waiting to have children. For her, it was all about getting her life "set up" financially in order to be in a position to be able to comfortable affording children.

She had never really had a frank discussion with her parents about this. She grew up with a brother who died in a skiing accident so she was the only person that would provide the grandchildren. Her dad is a quiet man and was mostly an observer to the conversation that she was having with her mother. He finally asked, "Are you saying that if your house was fully paid off, you would start a family?".

She responded that was a silly question but her dad said " No honey what is silly is for your mother and me to miss out on 5 years of grandchildren waiting for you to fell financially comfortable. Then, hopefully, many years in the future, both your mother and I will be dead and you will get a large inheritance. The way that I see it, you get the money either way but your mother and I get to enjoy children longer".

Her mortgage was paid off (at age 25) and she was pregnant 2 months later.

OP - Ask your mom if she is willing to pay for what she wants.

Damn. I think most of us would have had kids years earlier if we were financially set like that. DH and I waited 6 years to have kids because we couldn't afford them before and our jobs weren't set up to accommodate them (jobs still aren't, but now we can afford the unpaid baby leave more)

[Anonymous]

Yep, I had to sit down with my mother and have a few discussions with her. Once they were done and out of the way things got better.

[Anonymous]

NP and I can't sit down with my parents and have a rational chat with them. My issues stem from problems in my marriage. Basically H wasn't sure if he wanted to have kids with me and it's not something we could resolve overnight. My parents pressuring me over and over only made it that much more painful for me, but I can never tell them the real reason we were not having kids, b/c then they'd be all over my marriage. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. My parents had no idea how they hurt me and it was hell on earth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sorority sister had the same issue with her parents for a while until she sat down with them to discuss why she and her husband were waiting to have children. For her, it was all about getting her life "set up" financially in order to be in a position to be able to comfortable affording children.

She had never really had a frank discussion with her parents about this. She grew up with a brother who died in a skiing accident so she was the only person that would provide the grandchildren. Her dad is a quiet man and was mostly an observer to the conversation that she was having with her mother. He finally asked, "Are you saying that if your house was fully paid off, you would start a family?".

She responded that was a silly question but her dad said " No honey what is silly is for your mother and me to miss out on 5 years of grandchildren waiting for you to fell financially comfortable. Then, hopefully, many years in the future, both your mother and I will be dead and you will get a large inheritance. The way that I see it, you get the money either way but your mother and I get to enjoy children longer".

Her mortgage was paid off (at age 25) and she was pregnant 2 months later.

OP - Ask your mom if she is willing to pay for what she wants.

How selfish and manipulative. If my father had said that, it would have been a damn long time before we spoke again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sorority sister had the same issue with her parents for a while until she sat down with them to discuss why she and her husband were waiting to have children. For her, it was all about getting her life "set up" financially in order to be in a position to be able to comfortable affording children.

She had never really had a frank discussion with her parents about this. She grew up with a brother who died in a skiing accident so she was the only person that would provide the grandchildren. Her dad is a quiet man and was mostly an observer to the conversation that she was having with her mother. He finally asked, "Are you saying that if your house was fully paid off, you would start a family?".

She responded that was a silly question but her dad said " No honey what is silly is for your mother and me to miss out on 5 years of grandchildren waiting for you to fell financially comfortable. Then, hopefully, many years in the future, both your mother and I will be dead and you will get a large inheritance. The way that I see it, you get the money either way but your mother and I get to enjoy children longer".

Her mortgage was paid off (at age 25) and she was pregnant 2 months later.

OP - Ask your mom if she is willing to pay for what she wants.

How selfish and manipulative. If my father had said that, it would have been a damn long time before we spoke again.

It's neither selfish nor manipulative. The gift wasn't conditioned on anything. And he was upfront about what he was doing. It was refreshingly honest and generous, especially since OP was under no obligation and get knocked up the minute the mortgage was ripped up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sorority sister had the same issue with her parents for a while until she sat down with them to discuss why she and her husband were waiting to have children. For her, it was all about getting her life "set up" financially in order to be in a position to be able to comfortable affording children.

She had never really had a frank discussion with her parents about this. She grew up with a brother who died in a skiing accident so she was the only person that would provide the grandchildren. Her dad is a quiet man and was mostly an observer to the conversation that she was having with her mother. He finally asked, "Are you saying that if your house was fully paid off, you would start a family?".

She responded that was a silly question but her dad said " No honey what is silly is for your mother and me to miss out on 5 years of grandchildren waiting for you to fell financially comfortable. Then, hopefully, many years in the future, both your mother and I will be dead and you will get a large inheritance. The way that I see it, you get the money either way but your mother and I get to enjoy children longer".

Her mortgage was paid off (at age 25) and she was pregnant 2 months later.

OP - Ask your mom if she is willing to pay for what she wants.

The sorority sister's story strikes me as quite lovely because she expected nothing but wanted her parents to understand (and back off). The father's answer is beautiful. I hope they all had many happy years together.
The suggestion to bluntly ask the parents to pay up is...crude.

How selfish and manipulative. If my father had said that, it would have been a damn long time before we spoke again.

It's neither selfish nor manipulative. The gift wasn't conditioned on anything. And he was upfront about what he was doing. It was refreshingly honest and generous, especially since OP was under no obligation and get knocked up the minute the mortgage was ripped up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have her volunteer at the hospital to hold special needs babies.

Wtf?? You think parents will just let you walk in and hold their baby?

NP here. Yeah. There are volunteers at major hospitals in DC and elsewhere who are allowed to do this.

Most parents have to go back to work while their child is in the NICU for an extended stay.

I just saw a video about this. Some hospitals have volunteer programs so that someone can hold the babies in the NICU during the day. Parents may have to return to work, they may have other kids to take care of, they may live too far away from the hospital, etc. So older people come in and hold the babies. I think it's great! It's nice for the older people, and the babies get more snuggles.

Hospitals have an oversupply of volunteers wanting to hold babies. Many, if not all, now limit this opportunity to volunteers they know well and have carefully vetted, for obvious reasons. It often requires more than a year of volunteering regularly to even be considered. This is NOT a reason to have children because your mom wants them.

[Anonymous]

In defense of the mother, a lot of young women who want to have children seem a bit too focused on having the perfect home or establishing a career first. The result is many late, high-risk pregnancies, multiple births after expensive IVFs, etc. Every mother of an adult woman has witnessed the heartbreak of other women who've ended up with no children or severely disabled children. Some of their urgings may be motivated by these concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sorority sister had the same issue with her parents for a while until she sat down with them to discuss why she and her husband were waiting to have children. For her, it was all about getting her life "set up" financially in order to be in a position to be able to comfortable affording children.

She had never really had a frank discussion with her parents about this. She grew up with a brother who died in a skiing accident so she was the only person that would provide the grandchildren. Her dad is a quiet man and was mostly an observer to the conversation that she was having with her mother. He finally asked, "Are you saying that if your house was fully paid off, you would start a family?".

She responded that was a silly question but her dad said " No honey what is silly is for your mother and me to miss out on 5 years of grandchildren waiting for you to fell financially comfortable. Then, hopefully, many years in the future, both your mother and I will be dead and you will get a large inheritance. The way that I see it, you get the money either way but your mother and I get to enjoy children longer".

Her mortgage was paid off (at age 25) and she was pregnant 2 months later.

OP - Ask your mom if she is willing to pay for what she wants.

How selfish and manipulative. If my father had said that, it would have been a damn long time before we spoke again.

It's neither selfish nor manipulative. The gift wasn't conditioned on anything. And he was upfront about what he was doing. It was refreshingly honest and generous, especially since OP was under no obligation and get knocked up the minute the mortgage was ripped up.

Um, no. The gift was conditioned on agreeing to start attempting to get pregnant right away. No more waiting. I can't imagine mom and dad would have been pleased if she then decided to wait a few more years. And god forbid if they faced infertility; can you imagine the additional stress?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sorority sister had the same issue with her parents for a while until she sat down with them to discuss why she and her husband were waiting to have children. For her, it was all about getting her life "set up" financially in order to be in a position to be able to comfortable affording children.

She had never really had a frank discussion with her parents about this. She grew up with a brother who died in a skiing accident so she was the only person that would provide the grandchildren. Her dad is a quiet man and was mostly an observer to the conversation that she was having with her mother. He finally asked, "Are you saying that if your house was fully paid off, you would start a family?".

She responded that was a silly question but her dad said " No honey what is silly is for your mother and me to miss out on 5 years of grandchildren waiting for you to fell financially comfortable. Then, hopefully, many years in the future, both your mother and I will be dead and you will get a large inheritance. The way that I see it, you get the money either way but your mother and I get to enjoy children longer".

Her mortgage was paid off (at age 25) and she was pregnant 2 months later.

OP - Ask your mom if she is willing to pay for what she wants.

That's slightly disturbing. Many young people don't have the maturity to be the best parents they can be until they have lived a little longer and experienced more things. It may have worked for this woman, if what she saying was true and the waiting was purely financial, but still... Not judging, BTW, I had my first at 25. But by MY choice (and no, we didn't even have a house, let alone a mortgage, but you can raise a child perfectly well in an apartment if the maturity is there).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In defense of the mother, a lot of young women who want to have children seem a bit too focused on having the perfect home or establishing a career first. The result is many late, high-risk pregnancies, multiple births after expensive IVFs, etc. Every mother of an adult woman has witnessed the heartbreak of other women who've ended up with no children or severely disabled children. Some of their urgings may be motivated by these concerns.

As a woman who had suffered from infertility, multiple invasive procedures, multi-cycle treatments and finally IVF, and whose life was made worse by her mother's meddling, I have to say you're totally off base. The mother has no business getting involved in what the daughter decides regarding her own reproductive choices. This is a major boundary crossing and you're justifying it with really flimsy excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In defense of the mother, a lot of young women who want to have children seem a bit too focused on having the perfect home or establishing a career first. The result is many late, high-risk pregnancies, multiple births after expensive IVFs, etc. Every mother of an adult woman has witnessed the heartbreak of other women who've ended up with no children or severely disabled children. Some of their urgings may be motivated by these concerns.

I'm sorry but that's way better than the alternative- mothers who can't afford their children or to take care of them or feed them. There's enough impoverished children in the US who needed parents to wait to have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In defense of the mother, a lot of young women who want to have children seem a bit too focused on having the perfect home or establishing a career first. The result is many late, high-risk pregnancies, multiple births after expensive IVFs, etc. Every mother of an adult woman has witnessed the heartbreak of other women who've ended up with no children or severely disabled children. Some of their urgings may be motivated by these concerns.

As a woman who had suffered from infertility, multiple invasive procedures, multi-cycle treatments and finally IVF, and whose life was made worse by her mother's meddling, I have to say you're totally off base. The mother has no business getting involved in what the daughter decides regarding her own reproductive choices. This is a major boundary crossing and you're justifying it with really flimsy excuses.

You are both right! The mothers of these women should not be "meddling". But giving exact scientific information on a women's peak fertility is necessary sometimes, because that's not given in school. And then it's the women's decision, and their mothers should step aside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you. I got married late (32) and my parents were relentless with their pressuring. My mom used to hound me about it. If I try to change the subject she'd bring it right back. My dad, who was usually very mild, got very angry at me several times simply for the fact that I refuse to engage on the topic. My only recourse was to distance myself. But I could not cut them out, and whenever we did have contact it was the same one-sided "discussion." It seriously strained our relationship and I resented the hell out of them. If I let them, my parents would totally run my life for me. They can't be reasoned with. My only advice is to keep your distance, and know that you are not responsible for the drifting apart.

What now? Maybe that's late in flyover country, but around here's it's pretty typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In defense of the mother, a lot of young women who want to have children seem a bit too focused on having the perfect home or establishing a career first. The result is many late, high-risk pregnancies, multiple births after expensive IVFs, etc. Every mother of an adult woman has witnessed the heartbreak of other women who've ended up with no children or severely disabled children. Some of their urgings may be motivated by these concerns.

As a woman who had suffered from infertility, multiple invasive procedures, multi-cycle treatments and finally IVF, and whose life was made worse by her mother's meddling, I have to say you're totally off base. The mother has no business getting involved in what the daughter decides regarding her own reproductive choices. This is a major boundary crossing and you're justifying it with really flimsy excuses.

You are both right! The mothers of these women should not be "meddling". But giving exact scientific information on a women's peak fertility is necessary sometimes, because that's not given in school. And then it's the women's decision, and their mothers should step aside.

Giving your daughter scientific evidence is not what this thread is about. This thread is about a mother who whines every time she talks to OP about having grandchildren.

And I would argue that it's not the mother's role to be "giving exact scientific information on a women's peak fertility" if she was never there to give sex education during the daughter's teen years. Yes most moms would fall into this category. Couldn't talk about sex so it's all on the daughter to figure it out. All of a sudden they can't trust the daughter to find information on fertility? Seriously?

To all the mothers who're even contemplating talking to their daughters about the perils of waiting too long: she knows. She's married and having kids is a decision strictly between she and her husband. They may have all sorts of reasons for not having a baby now. If they share those reasons with you it's not your place to pick apart their reasons. Have some basic curtsey and respect their right to make their own decisions as adults. If they don't talk about it with you then please respect that too. They may be suffering from some medical, marital, or financial issues that preclude them from having a baby now. It's not your place to pry or act as if you know best. You really don't.

My mom tried to talk to me about fertility and her information was at least 20 years out of date. It was made worse by the fact that I was in the midst of IF treatment and kept it private b/c it's intensely personal and painful.