Parents demanding grandchildren

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We'll be sure to let you know when we get started! Until then, no need to follow up."

Yeah and if she asks any follow ups... start telling her uncomfortable stuff about your sex life!

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. I got married late (32) and my parents were relentless with their pressuring. My mom used to hound me about it. If I try to change the subject she'd bring it right back. My dad, who was usually very mild, got very angry at me several times simply for the fact that I refuse to engage on the topic. My only recourse was to distance myself. But I could not cut them out, and whenever we did have contact it was the same one-sided "discussion." It seriously strained our relationship and I resented the hell out of them. If I let them, my parents would totally run my life for me. They can't be reasoned with. My only advice is to keep your distance, and know that you are not responsible for the drifting apart.

[Anonymous]

My dad was an only child and when his father would whine about not having a grandson (after three adored granddaughters), Dad would respond, " You should have had more children." Feel free to use!

[Anonymous]

Chances are many of her friends are grandmothers and all they do is brag - it's natural. Tell her to keep her mouth shut until at least when you get married.

[Anonymous]

I would calmly tell her that you know she is excited for grandchildren (she might have friends who have been talking about them which is what spiking her interest) but that for the time being you are excited to just get married and spend some time cementing your relationship and getting to know each other as a married couple before you even think about adding children to your new family. She needs to know that even after the wedding you are magically going to produce a child in nine months.

My mother was very excited for grandchildren as well but DH and I waited 3 years to have kids. I told her very bluntly that I wanted to spend some time on my career and we want to travel and really get to know each other in new ways (DH and I dated for many years but did not ever live together or even near each other during our engagement) before we had kids. Once I was blunt that this couldn't be a topic she brought up every single conversation she backed off. And now 18 years later she has her grandchildren and DH and I have a nice strong marriage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her calmly at the beginning of the conversation that you're going to hang up if she brings it up again. Then follow through. Repeat until she gets it.

I don't know if this is something that I would just instigate. The way I grew up - a) you don't talk back to your parents, b) you don't call them by their first names, and c) you don't end a conversation (on the phone or otherwise) - they do.

Congratulations, you have been abused. Please NEVER reproduce. We don't need you propagating your drama.

[Anonymous]

OP here - update

Had a call with my mother on Monday. Tried the tactics here - meaning I told her I was uncomfortable and cold-shouldered all week. So far she's texted three times and called sounding 'apologetic' twice. She can't stand being given the silent treatment. Anyway, we have a lunch scheduled this weekend. Yes, my mother flew cross-region, not to explicitly see me though - to shop. We'll see how she acts in-person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her calmly at the beginning of the conversation that you're going to hang up if she brings it up again. Then follow through. Repeat until she gets it.

I don't know if this is something that I would just instigate. The way I grew up - a) you don't talk back to your parents, b) you don't call them by their first names, and c) you don't end a conversation (on the phone or otherwise) - they do.

If you parents immigrated here from someplace else, you need to tell them that it's an all or nothing deal. The economic success that they sought by coming here stems from a high quality labor model. Couples have a small number of children in which they invest heavily, and they don't have kids until they are able to pay for preschool , a house in a decent district, and college. These expenditures require a decent income, which most households need two salaries to obtain.

You don't get prosperity when most of your households have lots of kids, young mothers, one salary households, etc. Those days left when farms became able to supply the nations foods with 1% of the labor supply, freeing other people to do something more productive that requires more training. You don't get to have American prosperity but keep the ways of the old country.

Please stop the patronizing. there are plenty of young mothers in the US. I am an immigrant, too, and Americans are much more likely to have children they can't afford than people in my old country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - update

Had a call with my mother on Monday. Tried the tactics here - meaning I told her I was uncomfortable and cold-shouldered all week. So far she's texted three times and called sounding 'apologetic' twice. She can't stand being given the silent treatment. Anyway, we have a lunch scheduled this weekend. Yes, my mother flew cross-region, not to explicitly see me though - to shop. We'll see how she acts in-person.

Good for you OP. Hang in there. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Ignore it. Go about your business and do not engage.

She'll probably sigh heavily and make some comments like, "Well I know I'm not ALLOWED to say anything, so I'll just sit here quietly..."
When she does, just say, "Okay. Let me know when you're ready to talk."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her calmly at the beginning of the conversation that you're going to hang up if she brings it up again. Then follow through. Repeat until she gets it.

I don't know if this is something that I would just instigate. The way I grew up - a) you don't talk back to your parents, b) you don't call them by their first names, and c) you don't end a conversation (on the phone or otherwise) - they do.

Congratulations, you have been abused. Please NEVER reproduce. We don't need you propagating your drama.

Omg-you think that constitutes child abuse?? OP's Mom sounds overbearing and annoying but what OP described in that paragraph is far from abusive. I also grew up in a household where talking back wasn't tolerated, we weren't allowed to call our parents by their first names, etc.-it was hardly abusive.

[Anonymous]

When parents demand grandchildren...

...you demand college funds, and sports travel funds, and SAT prep funds, and what the heck: private school funds.

Whereupon magically the demands will stop.

[Anonymous]

So what happens if you can’t have children due to infertility? Or miscarried? Will you allow her to continue to hound you through the gut wrenching recovery/adjusting? Just tell her to stop. Change the subject when she brings it up. Leave the area if she does it again.

Because how she parents you is how she will be a grandparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm engaged but the wedding is a while away. Every single time I speak to my mother the conversation turns into a whinefest about her not having grandchildren. Never mind the fact that she wouldn't be changing the diapers at 2 in the morning or the fact that I just got on my feet with a mortgage. It's so infuriating yet I'm the selfish one???

Mom, the more you bring up grandchildren the less likely it is going to happen. Get a hobby to keep you occupied!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - update

Had a call with my mother on Monday. Tried the tactics here - meaning I told her I was uncomfortable and cold-shouldered all week. So far she's texted three times and called sounding 'apologetic' twice. She can't stand being given the silent treatment. Anyway, we have a lunch scheduled this weekend. Yes, my mother flew cross-region, not to explicitly see me though - to shop. We'll see how she acts in-person.

Good for you OP. Hang in there. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Ignore it. Go about your business and do not engage.

She'll probably sigh heavily and make some comments like, "Well I know I'm not ALLOWED to say anything, so I'll just sit here quietly..."
When she does, just say, "Okay. Let me know when you're ready to talk."

np my mom says this and I hate it!

[Anonymous]

My sorority sister had the same issue with her parents for a while until she sat down with them to discuss why she and her husband were waiting to have children. For her, it was all about getting her life "set up" financially in order to be in a position to be able to comfortable affording children.

She had never really had a frank discussion with her parents about this. She grew up with a brother who died in a skiing accident so she was the only person that would provide the grandchildren. Her dad is a quiet man and was mostly an observer to the conversation that she was having with her mother. He finally asked, "Are you saying that if your house was fully paid off, you would start a family?".

She responded that was a silly question but her dad said " No honey what is silly is for your mother and me to miss out on 5 years of grandchildren waiting for you to fell financially comfortable. Then, hopefully, many years in the future, both your mother and I will be dead and you will get a large inheritance. The way that I see it, you get the money either way but your mother and I get to enjoy children longer".

Her mortgage was paid off (at age 25) and she was pregnant 2 months later.

OP - Ask your mom if she is willing to pay for what she wants.