Did you marry someone you did not love?

[Anonymous]

I kind of wish I didn't love my husband... it'd make our impending separation quite a bit easier.

[Anonymous]

Yes but I think there are different types of love. There are woman who are incredibly sweet and I have loved one for that. There are others that bring out the I can't wait to get my hands on you love/passion and I have loved one for that. With my wife it is different. We met by complete chance and work very well as a couple, including as parents. I love the support she provides and ability to objectively help me make decisions. The passion is there, but its different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of wish I didn't love my husband... it'd make our impending separation quite a bit easier.

What happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Hmm. Define love.

I have stuck to my spouse through some events and personality flaws that would have been divorce-worthy for other people.
Is that love?

Yes! I think this is the real question. When I was in my mid-20's, I was talking to my mom. She and my dad had been married over 30 years at that point (and still are), and by ALL accounts have a wonderful relationship: they laugh together, share hobbies and spend as much free time together as they can, they know each other in and out and really light up when talking about each other. My dad openly adores her, and watching their interactions you just SEE the connection. They have a great life together. But anyways, my mom and I were talking that about all kinds of stuff that day, and I asked her outright: "Do you love dad?". She got quiet for a minute and then said "You know...love is a funny word. I certainly can't imagine my life without him". She said it very matter-of-fairly and in no way was she conveying sadness or disappointment, just saying that's how it is by that point. I think it depends what you mean by "love" - I believe if you ask most analytical, reflective people they will draw a hard distinction between the rush-like excitement of falling in love and the initial newness of it, and the sort of comfortable love that comes with building a long and enduring life together and going through all the ups and downs, both growing and changing and choosing to stay together.

Personally, I'm in my 30's and have seen more struggle in friends that had intense, passionate courtships and believed they were marrying their "soulmate" because it's almost like they then expected everything to always be easy. When they inevitably hit hard patches, it was much much rougher and they weren't used to having to put in the work on their relationship. Whereas others compromised on intense passion in exchange for steady, good-hearted men and went into marriage with their eyes open...and those marriages have tended to fare better.

I do think it depends not only on knowing yourself and your personal needs, but also how you define love and what exactly you expect out of it 5/10/20+ years down the road.

NP here. You know, it isn't one or the other. People on here act like the only two options are (1) a passionate love that is unstable or (2) a boring, sexless friendship with a "steady" guy.

You can find both -- passion and friendship.

I've seen all kinds of couples "struggle" by the way -- the women who settled for the good-hearted man and the women who married their passionate "soulmate." I actually think women are fooling themselves if they think settling is some sort of marriage insurance against turmoil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I held out intil I met someone I loved and wanted to marry while my friends had long ago married people they liked enough because they wanted kids and my husband cheated. Those friends are still married. Take from that what you will.

Yes but while you may have held out for love, your spouse may have settled for you. It goes both ways. Nobody wants to think that they're the one someone "settled" for but it happens and we're not exempt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Hmm. Define love.

I have stuck to my spouse through some events and personality flaws that would have been divorce-worthy for other people.
Is that love?

No, it's loyalty to spouse probably due to having kids together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly loved my husband when I married him. However, thing have not gone so well with our live, largely due to poor choices he's made and his dysfunction. It's slowly dawned on me the last few years that I do not love him anymore. It's quite possible we'll divorce. The one thing that makes me saddest is thinking about how in love we once were and knowing that not all love lasts.

don't feel sad. just think off all the cash and prizes you'll get. he's the one who's fxxxxx. he's the one who's losing everything he's worked for all these years. he's the one that's likely going into a depression and kill himself. you'll be just fine

As the mother of a son my heart is hurting for you. Because someone really hurt you and you are clearly suffering for it. If you were my son I would be telling you to get some counseling. I would want you to know that relationships can be healthy and fulfilling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i think men know enough. we are waking up. and spreading the teachings: boy's never get married. never have kids. never cohabit. never give a woman a key. never allow a woman to leave stuff at your place. always use a condom you bought yourself. never leave a condom unattended. never pay for dates. never buy a woman gifts. never trust a woman. just pump and dump and never look back. if you're looking for love buy a dog.

Over loaded family courts say otherwise. Many men do not use condoms.

yes and boys see how their lives are being destroyed in the family courts and they're learning from it. they are catching on slowly but surely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly loved my husband when I married him. However, thing have not gone so well with our live, largely due to poor choices he's made and his dysfunction. It's slowly dawned on me the last few years that I do not love him anymore. It's quite possible we'll divorce. The one thing that makes me saddest is thinking about how in love we once were and knowing that not all love lasts.

don't feel sad. just think off all the cash and prizes you'll get. he's the one who's fxxxxx. he's the one who's losing everything he's worked for all these years. he's the one that's likely going into a depression and kill himself. you'll be just fine

As the mother of a son my heart is hurting for you. Because someone really hurt you and you are clearly suffering for it. If you were my son I would be telling you to get some counseling. I would want you to know that relationships can be healthy and fulfilling.

better teach your son family law.

[Anonymous]

relationships are done in the western world. feminism killed love.

[Anonymous]

there is a epidemic off gold digging whores in the west.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:relationships are done in the western world. feminism killed love.

Can't you just picture this pathetic bastard? All bitter, and raging against evil, evil women on a parenting forum on a Friday night. Sad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:there is a epidemic off gold digging whores in the west.

Don't worry. I think most of them are only interested in men who know how to use capital letters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:there is a epidemic off gold digging whores in the west.

Don't worry. I think most of them are only interested in men who know how to use capital letters.

And know how to spell!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Hmm. Define love.

I have stuck to my spouse through some events and personality flaws that would have been divorce-worthy for other people.
Is that love?

Yes! I think this is the real question. When I was in my mid-20's, I was talking to my mom. She and my dad had been married over 30 years at that point (and still are), and by ALL accounts have a wonderful relationship: they laugh together, share hobbies and spend as much free time together as they can, they know each other in and out and really light up when talking about each other. My dad openly adores her, and watching their interactions you just SEE the connection. They have a great life together. But anyways, my mom and I were talking that about all kinds of stuff that day, and I asked her outright: "Do you love dad?". She got quiet for a minute and then said "You know...love is a funny word. I certainly can't imagine my life without him". She said it very matter-of-fairly and in no way was she conveying sadness or disappointment, just saying that's how it is by that point. I think it depends what you mean by "love" - I believe if you ask most analytical, reflective people they will draw a hard distinction between the rush-like excitement of falling in love and the initial newness of it, and the sort of comfortable love that comes with building a long and enduring life together and going through all the ups and downs, both growing and changing and choosing to stay together.

Personally, I'm in my 30's and have seen more struggle in friends that had intense, passionate courtships and believed they were marrying their "soulmate" because it's almost like they then expected everything to always be easy. When they inevitably hit hard patches, it was much much rougher and they weren't used to having to put in the work on their relationship. Whereas others compromised on intense passion in exchange for steady, good-hearted men and went into marriage with their eyes open...and those marriages have tended to fare better.

I do think it depends not only on knowing yourself and your personal needs, but also how you define love and what exactly you expect out of it 5/10/20+ years down the road.

A lot of those marriages break up !