Did you marry someone you did not love?

[Anonymous]

Has anyone here married someone they were not completely in love with but in like with?

How did your life turn out?

[Anonymous]

My childhood next-door neighbor did. She was my mom's age, but after college she moved to NYC on her own and lived as a single lady having her career. Then 15 years later she woke up one day and said "I want a family!" so she picked out a boring man who was her religion, had a steady job and is an okay person and married him, and cranked out two children with him.

She had the kind of husband who thought of himself as "helping" with the kids when he drove them somewhere and "babysitting" when he was in charge of them.

My mom said Neighbor kept her eye on her goal, and is happy. Maybe not deleriously in love, but happy enough to have gotten what her goal was.

[Anonymous]

Well, I thought I was in love. But in hindsight I realize I never really was. I think you need to marry someone you really love, respect and would do anything for. Otherwise, I don't think a long term marriage would ever truly be happy.

[Anonymous]

I get the feeling a lot of the women here have done this, simply to attain the goal of having children. It's sad. It's. It what marriage should be. Call me crazy, but I think you should adore and be crazy about your spouse. Children should come as an offshoot of that crazy love. The spouse shouldn't simply be a means to an end.

[Anonymous]

I did. I got pregnant. And we got married. First few years were rough also due to cultural differences. Spouse is from another country. I was really miserable and did not think it would last. Years later we actually have a pretty good relationship. I would say that we have grown together and now we are in love.

[Anonymous]

I think my DW did. She put on a good show while we were dating; interest in sex, oral sex, easygoing personality. All that changed when we got married. I should have gotten the marriage annulled them, but she was pregnant with our first son so I stuck with it for the kids. Now trapped in a loveless sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did. I got pregnant. And we got married. First few years were rough also due to cultural differences. Spouse is from another country. I was really miserable and did not think it would last. Years later we actually have a pretty good relationship. I would say that we have grown together and now we are in love.

Similar, got married too early. Several years in I started thinking in terms of having hit the jackpot.

[Anonymous]

Sort of. We dated for a long time. I was ready to be married, and honestly, I did love him as a person. He's a great person. But I never had the PASSION for him. And that is what is still missing. I love sex, but I could take it or leave it with him.

And I was quite happy with him for a long time. But when the shit hit the fan -- and it did of course -- the weaknesses in our relationship came out. Like the lack of intimacy (I don't mean sex, I mean emotional intimacy). And there is absolutely nothing wrong with this person. He's a good husband. A good father. A good citizen. All that. But that chemistry? not there.

So, sure. It's fine. It's passable. Hindsight is 20-20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sort of. We dated for a long time. I was ready to be married, and honestly, I did love him as a person. He's a great person. But I never had the PASSION for him. And that is what is still missing. I love sex, but I could take it or leave it with him.

And I was quite happy with him for a long time. But when the shit hit the fan -- and it did of course -- the weaknesses in our relationship came out. Like the lack of intimacy (I don't mean sex, I mean emotional intimacy). And there is absolutely nothing wrong with this person. He's a good husband. A good father. A good citizen. All that. But that chemistry? not there.

So, sure. It's fine. It's passable. Hindsight is 20-20.

^^^
This. Couldn't have described it better if I tried.

[Anonymous]

I'm trying to sort that out before he formally asks. He's a good partner, I love him, low sparks but we are complementary personality types and are aligned with about 80% of life in general. We have a child so I think it's going to take us working on connecting better. I can't imagine finding what we have that WORKS so readily.

[Anonymous]

I think many women also settle for the economic factor, not even allowing themselves the option to leave because they don't have the earning power to make it on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sort of. We dated for a long time. I was ready to be married, and honestly, I did love him as a person. He's a great person. But I never had the PASSION for him. And that is what is still missing. I love sex, but I could take it or leave it with him.

And I was quite happy with him for a long time. But when the shit hit the fan -- and it did of course -- the weaknesses in our relationship came out. Like the lack of intimacy (I don't mean sex, I mean emotional intimacy). And there is absolutely nothing wrong with this person. He's a good husband. A good father. A good citizen. All that. But that chemistry? not there.

So, sure. It's fine. It's passable. Hindsight is 20-20.

^^^
This. Couldn't have described it better if I tried.

+1000.

We love each other, but there isn't adoration. Emotionally, DH is a brick wall. It feels like you could replace me with any other woman and he'd be just as happy; doesn't necessarily want *me*, he just wants someone. A few weeks ago, he actually smiled at me and called me adorable, and I burst into tears because he'd never done anything at all like that before.

Rationally, I know chemistry and passion aren't everything either- I had a ton of those with an ex and we were a powder keg that blew up all the time. But it would be nice to have a little.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. Define love.

I have stuck to my spouse through some events and personality flaws that would have been divorce-worthy for other people.
Is that love?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the feeling a lot of the women here have done this, simply to attain the goal of having children. It's sad. It's. It what marriage should be. Call me crazy, but I think you should adore and be crazy about your spouse. Children should come as an offshoot of that crazy love. The spouse shouldn't simply be a means to an end.

See, here is the thing, it is not sad!

The IDEAL is to have a marriage born out of mutual true love and passion. The couple is made up of soulmates.
HOW many marriages is this really true for? Probably not very many.

The normal is marriage between two decent people who thought it was time and hence married and started the next chapter of their life.

The ones who remain single waiting for their ~soulmate~ aren't really heralded either. We make fun of spinsters or over the hill bachelors and pity them and gossip about them.

It is far far better to date and marry someone you like than wait and remain without a family waiting for an ideal.

[Anonymous]

I love DH and he loves me both we both acknowledge it was either this or nothing. We weren't up to going through it all again. DH has been in the military for 12 years and had a challenge finding someone okay with all that entails from deployments to moving every 2 years. I have a challenging career of my own and spend lots of time away. We trust each other, care for one another, but it's not exceptional love. It's not what you see in movies. It is consistent though, and that's hard to find.