Unfriendly neighbors in a friendly neighborhood

[Anonymous]

1. OP lives in a friendly neighborhood.
2. Other neighbors (who are friendly with her) tell her these people are so great and friendly.
3. But they're not.

Something is up, and PPs who want to keep to themselves are not reading the original post correctly.

Were there a lot of negotiations on your home? My best guess is that they were close with the previous owners, and are annoyed at how they think you handled the sale and closing of the house.

Or do you and DH have loud arguments/let a baby CIO/yell at your kids when you are exhausted? You'd be surprised at how little sound insulation a house provides. If they are standing on their lawn, they may hear (or mis-hear) far more than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried reaching out to them? I would feel awkward(as a new person in a neighborhood) to acknowledge a stranger's new baby.

No, we are the new people. They watched me get visibly pregnant and then saw me with a baby carrier. You would. Have think they'd have said something, no? Or is this normal?

I think it is totally normal. You also strike me like one of those high pitch voice neighbors (forgive me if I am wrong, it just an impression from your messages) who are very active in the neighborhood. Your neighbors probably feel if they make one more step forward, you will suck them up with your friendliness. Some people just introverts. It doesn't mean that they are not friendly, they just keep their boundaries and they don't need your baby inside it.

Ha. And some folks don't want to get too friendly with a new neighbor with small children because they don't want to be put on the spot to help with childcare emergencies and the like. So they maintain a distance in order to avoid that kind of awkwardness. They may have had bad experiences in the past, you never know.

Doesn't matter that Op has all her ducks in a row and would never ask them to watch her kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here - so to respond to some of these:

1. It's not an infertility thing, they have more kids than us.

2. We do not do anything un-neighborly (leave trash cans out, let our kids run wild or make lots of noise outside, not mow our lawn, etc etc). We take great care of the house and it certainly looks much better than when we purchased it. No parties at the home since we've moved in.

3. We do not have particularly strong personalities- I have friends like this so I know what a few people meant. But no, that's not us. Not active in politics, on social media, whatever. We are just like run of the mill normal people. Nothing interesting about us on the internet at all.

4. We are not ethnically, culturally or racially diverse (I would hope that doesn't matter, but in response to the Asian pp who suggested it). We are not very religious, but we are their same religion. I think they are more religious than us.

5. We're not the annoying Suzy Sunshine neighbors either who are trying to be everyone's BFF. Not at all. I just wave and say hi to people the way everyone else in our neighborhood does. And by "say hi", I really mean that - "Hi!" - not Hi how are you doing let me talk to you for five minutes.

6. We both work, as do they, no child care issues that anyone would be worried about.

7. Basically, we have had such limited contact (like none) that I don't think we would have even had the opportunity to do or say something that could have been considered offensive.

So all of that being said, here are my only ideas:

1. We did do extensive work on the home before moving in. It wasn't external, all internal. (so it didn't make a bunch of noise or create much mess outside). But maybe we/our contractors inadvertently created some kind of nuisance that they are upset about. That's certainly not outside the realm of possibility.

2. Related to the above, maybe they are offended because we have more money than them? I'm not even sure if we do have more money than them - for all I know they have more money than us. I suppose one could jump to conclusions about people doing a lot of work on a home. We do drive luxury cars.

3. We, especially me, are younger than them. I am pretty sure that I am the youngest (by about five years) adult living in our large-ish neighborhood. My husband is older than me, but he may also be the youngest man living in the neighborhood, or if not the youngest, one of the youngest. I don't know if our ages could have been upsetting or offensive in some way but it's the only demographic category I can think of that is markedly different from them. I would say I am probably 10-12 years younger than the wife. Not sure about the husband. (And no, I am not some kind of gold digger SAHM trophy wife who is ten years younger than her husband, that's not the situation at all. I actually make more money than he does).

4. I really don't think this is relevant in any way but my husband mentioned it, so I will, but from an objective standpoint, one would say that I am more physically attractive than the wife. Again, I don't think this is relevant but in the interest of full disclosure, there it is.

5. To one of the PPs who asked, yes, there was a bidding war on the home. We did not behave in any inappropriate way with the sellers and were on good terms with them, but there were other people who wanted the home too. Maybe one of their friends?

Anyway, that's all I can think of. I bet it's the construction before we moved in.. that's the only real logical explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - so to respond to some of these:

1. It's not an infertility thing, they have more kids than us.

2. We do not do anything un-neighborly (leave trash cans out, let our kids run wild or make lots of noise outside, not mow our lawn, etc etc). We take great care of the house and it certainly looks much better than when we purchased it. No parties at the home since we've moved in.

3. We do not have particularly strong personalities- I have friends like this so I know what a few people meant. But no, that's not us. Not active in politics, on social media, whatever. We are just like run of the mill normal people. Nothing interesting about us on the internet at all.

4. We are not ethnically, culturally or racially diverse (I would hope that doesn't matter, but in response to the Asian pp who suggested it). We are not very religious, but we are their same religion. I think they are more religious than us.

5. We're not the annoying Suzy Sunshine neighbors either who are trying to be everyone's BFF. Not at all. I just wave and say hi to people the way everyone else in our neighborhood does. And by "say hi", I really mean that - "Hi!" - not Hi how are you doing let me talk to you for five minutes.

6. We both work, as do they, no child care issues that anyone would be worried about.

7. Basically, we have had such limited contact (like none) that I don't think we would have even had the opportunity to do or say something that could have been considered offensive.

So all of that being said, here are my only ideas:

1. We did do extensive work on the home before moving in. It wasn't external, all internal. (so it didn't make a bunch of noise or create much mess outside). But maybe we/our contractors inadvertently created some kind of nuisance that they are upset about. That's certainly not outside the realm of possibility.

2. Related to the above, maybe they are offended because we have more money than them? I'm not even sure if we do have more money than them - for all I know they have more money than us. I suppose one could jump to conclusions about people doing a lot of work on a home. We do drive luxury cars.

3. We, especially me, are younger than them. I am pretty sure that I am the youngest (by about five years) adult living in our large-ish neighborhood. My husband is older than me, but he may also be the youngest man living in the neighborhood, or if not the youngest, one of the youngest. I don't know if our ages could have been upsetting or offensive in some way but it's the only demographic category I can think of that is markedly different from them. I would say I am probably 10-12 years younger than the wife. Not sure about the husband. (And no, I am not some kind of gold digger SAHM trophy wife who is ten years younger than her husband, that's not the situation at all. I actually make more money than he does).

4. I really don't think this is relevant in any way but my husband mentioned it, so I will, but from an objective standpoint, one would say that I am more physically attractive than the wife. Again, I don't think this is relevant but in the interest of full disclosure, there it is.

5. To one of the PPs who asked, yes, there was a bidding war on the home. We did not behave in any inappropriate way with the sellers and were on good terms with them, but there were other people who wanted the home too. Maybe one of their friends?

Anyway, that's all I can think of. I bet it's the construction before we moved in.. that's the only real logical explanation.

I think there is something to the disruption from the construction, combined with the fact that you are different ages, even if you have kids around the same age. Different ages/different stages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do either of you have a job or employer that some people might be bothered by because it's so political? You work at Planned Parenthod? NRA?

Do you have a social media presence? Is it overly opinionated or controversial?

Guaranteed these neighbors have googled you.

I have never thought to google my neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - so to respond to some of these:

1. It's not an infertility thing, they have more kids than us.

2. We do not do anything un-neighborly (leave trash cans out, let our kids run wild or make lots of noise outside, not mow our lawn, etc etc). We take great care of the house and it certainly looks much better than when we purchased it. No parties at the home since we've moved in.

3. We do not have particularly strong personalities- I have friends like this so I know what a few people meant. But no, that's not us. Not active in politics, on social media, whatever. We are just like run of the mill normal people. Nothing interesting about us on the internet at all.

4. We are not ethnically, culturally or racially diverse (I would hope that doesn't matter, but in response to the Asian pp who suggested it). We are not very religious, but we are their same religion. I think they are more religious than us.

5. We're not the annoying Suzy Sunshine neighbors either who are trying to be everyone's BFF. Not at all. I just wave and say hi to people the way everyone else in our neighborhood does. And by "say hi", I really mean that - "Hi!" - not Hi how are you doing let me talk to you for five minutes.

6. We both work, as do they, no child care issues that anyone would be worried about.

7. Basically, we have had such limited contact (like none) that I don't think we would have even had the opportunity to do or say something that could have been considered offensive.

So all of that being said, here are my only ideas:

1. We did do extensive work on the home before moving in. It wasn't external, all internal. (so it didn't make a bunch of noise or create much mess outside). But maybe we/our contractors inadvertently created some kind of nuisance that they are upset about. That's certainly not outside the realm of possibility.

2. Related to the above, maybe they are offended because we have more money than them? I'm not even sure if we do have more money than them - for all I know they have more money than us. I suppose one could jump to conclusions about people doing a lot of work on a home. We do drive luxury cars.

3. We, especially me, are younger than them. I am pretty sure that I am the youngest (by about five years) adult living in our large-ish neighborhood. My husband is older than me, but he may also be the youngest man living in the neighborhood, or if not the youngest, one of the youngest. I don't know if our ages could have been upsetting or offensive in some way but it's the only demographic category I can think of that is markedly different from them. I would say I am probably 10-12 years younger than the wife. Not sure about the husband. (And no, I am not some kind of gold digger SAHM trophy wife who is ten years younger than her husband, that's not the situation at all. I actually make more money than he does).

4. I really don't think this is relevant in any way but my husband mentioned it, so I will, but from an objective standpoint, one would say that I am more physically attractive than the wife. Again, I don't think this is relevant but in the interest of full disclosure, there it is.

5. To one of the PPs who asked, yes, there was a bidding war on the home. We did not behave in any inappropriate way with the sellers and were on good terms with them, but there were other people who wanted the home too. Maybe one of their friends?

Anyway, that's all I can think of. I bet it's the construction before we moved in.. that's the only real logical explanation.

+1

Your husband nailed it. This is a very, very insecure neighbor that has problems inside her home. Nothing like her airing it to the community by being completely rude....

Your husband is very wise and observant. Probably why you married him (hopefully one of many reasons). Enjoy your own decent people and decent friends. Sometimes odd neighbors want carbon copies of themselves living next door - not likely, and not reasonable. Don't make their issues and problems yours. They might be threatened by your mere existence; you could be showing them up somehow, and they don't like it. Your own husband says you are hot, so there is that - surely that does not sit well with them! It could be anything, however random. I wonder if you will soon find out that this neighborhood has a negative reputation because of the toxic personalities that have been there over ten years or more. It happens. You do you, OP - without this weirdo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do either of you have a job or employer that some people might be bothered by because it's so political? You work at Planned Parenthod? NRA?

Do you have a social media presence? Is it overly opinionated or controversial?

Guaranteed these neighbors have googled you.

I have never thought to google my neighbors.

YEs, but you are normal. Some people are not. Sounds like OP landed next to one of those. We have all seen them, and been grateful it is not us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. OP lives in a friendly neighborhood.
2. Other neighbors (who are friendly with her) tell her these people are so great and friendly.
3. But they're not.

Something is up, and PPs who want to keep to themselves are not reading the original post correctly.

Were there a lot of negotiations on your home? My best guess is that they were close with the previous owners, and are annoyed at how they think you handled the sale and closing of the house.

Or do you and DH have loud arguments/let a baby CIO/yell at your kids when you are exhausted? You'd be surprised at how little sound insulation a house provides. If they are standing on their lawn, they may hear (or mis-hear) far more than you think.

Is there a lot of turnover in the neighborhood (NOT due to jobs or military or rental houses), OP? How long did the previous owners live there before they bailed? Do you think that might be relevant? There is another post on that. Some neighborhoods are known for this, but they try to downplay it, to avoid negative implications (too late).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - so to respond to some of these:

1. It's not an infertility thing, they have more kids than us.

2. We do not do anything un-neighborly (leave trash cans out, let our kids run wild or make lots of noise outside, not mow our lawn, etc etc). We take great care of the house and it certainly looks much better than when we purchased it. No parties at the home since we've moved in.

3. We do not have particularly strong personalities- I have friends like this so I know what a few people meant. But no, that's not us. Not active in politics, on social media, whatever. We are just like run of the mill normal people. Nothing interesting about us on the internet at all.

4. We are not ethnically, culturally or racially diverse (I would hope that doesn't matter, but in response to the Asian pp who suggested it). We are not very religious, but we are their same religion. I think they are more religious than us.

5. We're not the annoying Suzy Sunshine neighbors either who are trying to be everyone's BFF. Not at all. I just wave and say hi to people the way everyone else in our neighborhood does. And by "say hi", I really mean that - "Hi!" - not Hi how are you doing let me talk to you for five minutes.

6. We both work, as do they, no child care issues that anyone would be worried about.

7. Basically, we have had such limited contact (like none) that I don't think we would have even had the opportunity to do or say something that could have been considered offensive.

So all of that being said, here are my only ideas:

1. We did do extensive work on the home before moving in. It wasn't external, all internal. (so it didn't make a bunch of noise or create much mess outside). But maybe we/our contractors inadvertently created some kind of nuisance that they are upset about. That's certainly not outside the realm of possibility.

2. Related to the above, maybe they are offended because we have more money than them? I'm not even sure if we do have more money than them - for all I know they have more money than us. I suppose one could jump to conclusions about people doing a lot of work on a home. We do drive luxury cars.

3. We, especially me, are younger than them. I am pretty sure that I am the youngest (by about five years) adult living in our large-ish neighborhood. My husband is older than me, but he may also be the youngest man living in the neighborhood, or if not the youngest, one of the youngest. I don't know if our ages could have been upsetting or offensive in some way but it's the only demographic category I can think of that is markedly different from them. I would say I am probably 10-12 years younger than the wife. Not sure about the husband. (And no, I am not some kind of gold digger SAHM trophy wife who is ten years younger than her husband, that's not the situation at all. I actually make more money than he does).

4. I really don't think this is relevant in any way but my husband mentioned it, so I will, but from an objective standpoint, one would say that I am more physically attractive than the wife. Again, I don't think this is relevant but in the interest of full disclosure, there it is.

5. To one of the PPs who asked, yes, there was a bidding war on the home. We did not behave in any inappropriate way with the sellers and were on good terms with them, but there were other people who wanted the home too. Maybe one of their friends?

Anyway, that's all I can think of. I bet it's the construction before we moved in.. that's the only real logical explanation.

Then you've done nothing. Forget about them. Let them do their thing, you do your thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Then you've done nothing. Forget about them. Let them do their thing, you do your thing.

I agree. You've done all you can. I would keep being polite to them but let their impoliteness fall right off of you like water off a ducks back. If neighbors bring up how wonderful and friendly they are, respond with something about how you don't know them very well and move on the the next topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've lived in my neighborhood 10 years and only know the names of a handful of people. I like my privacy. I wouldn't go out of my way to talk to any of them, and would avoid saying hi if I could.

I second this. By most accounts, I am a nice/friendly person - but I also have hermit-ish tendencies which I really love. When I'm home - even when I'm working in my yard (I've hidden behind bushes before) - I strongly prefer privacy - none of this over-the-fence conversation from neighbors, or stopping to chat when driving by. A wave is plenty.

But, if any of my neighbors ever need me for something important I am super happy to assist, if possible.

New poster. I live in a neighborhood where everyone seems to be like this--unfriendly, don't do any friendly gestures/overtures (they don't wave, turn their back when they see me, etc.) and I just don't get it at all. We've lived here 10 years and it makes things really unpleasant that they all act like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - so to respond to some of these:

1. It's not an infertility thing, they have more kids than us.

2. We do not do anything un-neighborly (leave trash cans out, let our kids run wild or make lots of noise outside, not mow our lawn, etc etc). We take great care of the house and it certainly looks much better than when we purchased it. No parties at the home since we've moved in.

3. We do not have particularly strong personalities- I have friends like this so I know what a few people meant. But no, that's not us. Not active in politics, on social media, whatever. We are just like run of the mill normal people. Nothing interesting about us on the internet at all.

4. We are not ethnically, culturally or racially diverse (I would hope that doesn't matter, but in response to the Asian pp who suggested it). We are not very religious, but we are their same religion. I think they are more religious than us.

5. We're not the annoying Suzy Sunshine neighbors either who are trying to be everyone's BFF. Not at all. I just wave and say hi to people the way everyone else in our neighborhood does. And by "say hi", I really mean that - "Hi!" - not Hi how are you doing let me talk to you for five minutes.

6. We both work, as do they, no child care issues that anyone would be worried about.

7. Basically, we have had such limited contact (like none) that I don't think we would have even had the opportunity to do or say something that could have been considered offensive.

So all of that being said, here are my only ideas:

1. We did do extensive work on the home before moving in. It wasn't external, all internal. (so it didn't make a bunch of noise or create much mess outside). But maybe we/our contractors inadvertently created some kind of nuisance that they are upset about. That's certainly not outside the realm of possibility.

2. Related to the above, maybe they are offended because we have more money than them? I'm not even sure if we do have more money than them - for all I know they have more money than us. I suppose one could jump to conclusions about people doing a lot of work on a home. We do drive luxury cars.

3. We, especially me, are younger than them. I am pretty sure that I am the youngest (by about five years) adult living in our large-ish neighborhood. My husband is older than me, but he may also be the youngest man living in the neighborhood, or if not the youngest, one of the youngest. I don't know if our ages could have been upsetting or offensive in some way but it's the only demographic category I can think of that is markedly different from them. I would say I am probably 10-12 years younger than the wife. Not sure about the husband. (And no, I am not some kind of gold digger SAHM trophy wife who is ten years younger than her husband, that's not the situation at all. I actually make more money than he does).

4. I really don't think this is relevant in any way but my husband mentioned it, so I will, but from an objective standpoint, one would say that I am more physically attractive than the wife. Again, I don't think this is relevant but in the interest of full disclosure, there it is.

5. To one of the PPs who asked, yes, there was a bidding war on the home. We did not behave in any inappropriate way with the sellers and were on good terms with them, but there were other people who wanted the home too. Maybe one of their friends?

Anyway, that's all I can think of. I bet it's the construction before we moved in.. that's the only real logical explanation.

+1

Your husband nailed it. This is a very, very insecure neighbor that has problems inside her home. Nothing like her airing it to the community by being completely rude....

Your husband is very wise and observant. Probably why you married him (hopefully one of many reasons). Enjoy your own decent people and decent friends. Sometimes odd neighbors want carbon copies of themselves living next door - not likely, and not reasonable. Don't make their issues and problems yours. They might be threatened by your mere existence; you could be showing them up somehow, and they don't like it. Your own husband says you are hot, so there is that - surely that does not sit well with them! It could be anything, however random. I wonder if you will soon find out that this neighborhood has a negative reputation because of the toxic personalities that have been there over ten years or more. It happens. You do you, OP - without this weirdo.

Umm, probably not that. Women (even attractive women) have to deal with more attractive women all the time. It's part of life.

If anything, the neighbor might want to have get togethers at their house w/o feeling obligated to invite the new neighbors over. So they are being standoffish.

[Anonymous]

"Umm, probably not that. Women (even attractive women) have to deal with more attractive women all the time. It's part of life.

If anything, the neighbor might want to have get togethers at their house w/o feeling obligated to invite the new neighbors over. So they are being standoffish."

It is part of life, but some women have embarrassingly low or non existent coping mechanisms, such that they try to drag other women into it, classic scapegoating. It has not happened to me (I am not hot, trust me, I have no such problems), but I know it happens.

It happens at work, with a good looking colleague I have, and it happens every day IRL. Just because you don't experience it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Some women can be terribly insecure...and that is where their crazy comes from.

[Anonymous]

"Then you've done nothing. Forget about them. Let them do their thing, you do your thing."

I agree with this, OP. It seems like too late in their life to learn to be civil. It has nothing to do with you. You probably have a different strata of upbringing than they do. It's not a bad thing, if you show better manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Umm, probably not that. Women (even attractive women) have to deal with more attractive women all the time. It's part of life.

If anything, the neighbor might want to have get togethers at their house w/o feeling obligated to invite the new neighbors over. So they are being standoffish."

It is part of life, but some women have embarrassingly low or non existent coping mechanisms, such that they try to drag other women into it, classic scapegoating. It has not happened to me (I am not hot, trust me, I have no such problems), but I know it happens.

It happens at work, with a good looking colleague I have, and it happens every day IRL. Just because you don't experience it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Some women can be terribly insecure...and that is where their crazy comes from.

o.k. But the neighbor is the one who is being social and nice to everyone but Op. Op, are you breathtakingly beautiful? Are all the other friendly neighbors ugly in comparison to you?

I am going to guess - no. Op, are you talking about this neighbor to your other neighbors? It seems that she is coming up a lot in your conversations with other people.

And it seems as if you are a little bit too worried about her opinion of you. I think you would be better off forgetting about her. Maybe your mind is making this out to be a lot more than it is?