My in laws are killing me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get all the "suck it up" comments. The ILs' son married an American and lives in America--why should their culture and family's expectation of a DIL apply?

I would turn it around, "In our culture, we don't cook every meal." etc.

You marry into a family, that's why.

That's how Indians think of it. Americans think we have formed a new family after marriage with our own traditions and ways of doing things. We don't have to follow the norms and desires of a 70 something year old from India because we married their son.

The only problem is that you married a man raised in their culture so he will feel guilty if his parents are treated differently by his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get all the "suck it up" comments. The ILs' son married an American and lives in America--why should their culture and family's expectation of a DIL apply?

I would turn it around, "In our culture, we don't cook every meal." etc.

You marry into a family, that's why.

That's how Indians think of it. Americans think we have formed a new family after marriage with our own traditions and ways of doing things. We don't have to follow the norms and desires of a 70 something year old from India because we married their son.

The only problem is that you married a man raised in their culture so he will feel guilty if his parents are treated differently by his wife.

His guilt is his problem to handle, since he freely chose to marry outside his culture. I married an Asian man, not Indian, but of a culture with those same expectations and rules. He spent years letting his mom torment us both about how unacceptable I am, and then he put his foot down. He still feels guilty at times, but owns his choices and recognizes that most aspects of traditional patriarchy are horribly unfair for women. We're happier and healthier for this. His mom is a miserable person anyway.

OP is expected to understand the culture, as it's her heritage, even if she is American-raised by a liberal family. She's caught right in the middle. Each side believes their way is correct. Lots of Indian women are starting to stand up to outmoded family pressures, and let them know they have to adapt the roles and work load to modern American life. I bet OP's in-laws don't stop and think how hard it is for her without servants.

[Anonymous]

Who are you people saying she should wait on her in laws like she is a maid? They have help at home so can't get their own drinks? It's not rocket science and OP is not a maid. That's ridiculous. It will also set a terrible example for her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am Indian and so is my husband. 1st generation immigrants. I have cleaning service twice a week, a landscaping service and I do not do any laundry or food prep. I have hired someone to do that for us because I value the benefit of having a well established support system. When my ILs visit for SEVERAL MONTHS, I make sure that the cleaning service comes thrice a week, and I hire an older Indian lady to cook for all of us. It costs us a pretty penny but if no one wants to pitch in then stuff will need to get outsourced.

Go to the nearest Indian grocery store and ask them to give you the contact info of Indian women who will do all your cooking for you on an hourly basis. Many also will cook your food in bulk at their home and you can pick it up from there. OR you get frozen Indian food OR you get food from an Indian restaurant.

Basically, what OP is doing is a lot of boo-hooing. There is no problem, only an expense. She needs to spend some money and things will be resolved. Her ILs are 70 years old. They are no spring chicken and the son and DIL need to get their act together.

And BTW - don't start bellyaching about how you cannot afford this luxury. Most Indians can afford a whole lot in this country. Sheesh!!

Oh shut up. I'm Indian American too and thankfully have a VERY hands on Indian mil. She's a legit God send. My parents are hands on too and they're in their 60's. Cut the bs about OP boohooig. Idgaf about this bring ingrained in culture. I would not have been okay if my inlaws expected me to be their servant like that. I don't operate that way, Indian or not.

[Anonymous]

It's totally cultural and expected. I remember spending the weekend with my college BFF at her home. She has very traditional Indian parents, arranged marriage, dowry, etc. Both parents are lovely, but I remember being shocked when we were in the middle of something the Friday night and her father got home from work and she dropped everything to bring him his slippers. We also had to wait for him to be served and begin eating before we could serve ourselves. Of course, at the age of 18 I just kept saying how weird it was, but now I get it. Cultural norms. We all have them, some are just more obvious than others.

[Anonymous]

OP, none of this whining are getting your kids into TJ.

[Anonymous]

How come everyone is missing the fact that her in-laws are physically unable to care for themselves. You would still just throw some sandwiches at them and tell them to fend for themselves? How low can you go? Human decency and all that?

OP - they raised your husband. The least you can do is suck it up for two weeks. Like a pp said. Suck it up and then take a few days off after they leave (and secretly be grateful their visit isn't for months at a time.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indian American wives don't wait on their inlaws hand and foot and you shouldn't either OP! Recent Indian immigrants are another story.

+1. My parents immigrated from India and DH's parents still live there. This not the dynamic at all in our family. In fact most of the Indian grandparents I know bend over backwards to help out with the kids.

Is it at all possible that they think you don't want them to be involved in helping out?

[Anonymous]

How did you not know what you were getting into?

[Anonymous]

Get Indian takeout. Or make a huge vat of lentils and rice and let them eat that all week.

[Anonymous]

The parents are not going to change. I am so sorry for you that you married this man. I am wondering how you managed to marry a first gen Indian person in the first place? Was it an arranged marriage or a love marriage? What are your prospects of remarriage if you divorce this man? Did he marry you for the Green Card? You have to think all of that before you take any step.

[Anonymous]

As good liberals, we must respect and honor the wondrous bounty of our multi-cultural world.

If the in-laws' culture requires that OP must wait on them hand and foot, spend countless hours in the kitchen whipping up many delicious curry dishes, and hand made chutney, then clean up after them always with a smile, then that is what OP must do.

Because not to do so, would prove that OP was a racist, and we can't have that now, can we?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get Indian takeout. Or make a huge vat of lentils and rice and let them eat that all week.

How about an Omaha Steaks gift card?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How come everyone is missing the fact that her in-laws are physically unable to care for themselves. You would still just throw some sandwiches at them and tell them to fend for themselves? How low can you go? Human decency and all that?

OP - they raised your husband. The least you can do is suck it up for two weeks. Like a pp said. Suck it up and then take a few days off after they leave (and secretly be grateful their visit isn't for months at a time.)

Reread the OP. You misunderstood.

[Anonymous]

I'm grew up in India and came to the US for grad school. Married to an Indian who did the same thing. I refuse to wait on anyone subserviently. I really don't like the patriarchal nature of Indian society and feel it is up to the younger generations to change it. When my parents or in-laws are visiting, I make sure I have groceries in the house but my husband and I share cleaning up after dinner responsibilities. I show the parents and in-laws where the tea things are kept. I ask mom/mil to cook a couple of times a week. When they fuss about helping out, I jokingly say this is the US not India. We get takeout a couple times a week and I cook 2-3 times. Lunch is very basic - sandwiches or they are welcome to make something. They are used to not being catered for at our house and we all get along reasonably well. If I have any social events at night I usually go to those as well. I'm much happier that way and it is better for our relationship.