My in laws are killing me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- I'm Indian American, but was raised very differently in a family of 3 girls where we were expected to focus on our studies and be independent and not cater to Indian patriarchy, so I'm just not used to it. When my parents come to visit, they actually help with everything and more than carry their fair share of the weight.

Thanks everyone, I just needed to vent, and you're right I should just suck it up. 6 days and counting!

OP, I'm Indian-American, but my DH is not. While my ILs don't expect me to wait on them, they are pretty helpless when they visit because they won't drive etc. I've instituted a rule that DH has to take some time off work when they come to visit (not necessarily for the whole visit). It actually works out, because they visit as much to get time with him as with the grandkids...and DH enjoys their visit more too.

If things are stressful for you, then your DH also needs to defend you a little more. This might be in more subtle forms like suggesting going out to dinner. But the less he acts like he accepts the default notion that you should be doing everything except when he "helps", the less they will act like it.

[Anonymous]

Pick up smoking and start drinking like a fish.

[Anonymous]

Count your blessings, OP. Many of my Indian women friends have in-laws who park themselves for months at a stretch especially if visiting from the home country. And their husbands often turn into momma's boys while they are around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take-out is your friend. Seriously. And once your husband gets home from work, he can deal with serving dinner, etc. When you say serving them, do you mean plating their food (and they complain it's too much but then they eat every scrap and really want seconds?) and putting it in front of them, getting their drinks, doing all the setting of table, etc.?
Do they only eat Indian food? Do they also expect afternoon tea and biscuits?

Does your MIL wait on her husband when they're back home? Maybe look at it like she's getting a bit of a break, thanks to you. At least they're only here for two weeks, and not months and months!!

putting it in front of them, getting their drinks, doing all the setting of table, etc.?
Do they only eat Indian food? Do they also expect afternoon tea and biscuits?

Does your MIL wait on her husband when they're back home?

OP -- yes to all of the above!! Pray for me that it never becomes months and months! (my secret fear)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- I'm Indian American, but was raised very differently in a family of 3 girls where we were expected to focus on our studies and be independent and not cater to Indian patriarchy, so I'm just not used to it. When my parents come to visit, they actually help with everything and more than carry their fair share of the weight.

Thanks everyone, I just needed to vent, and you're right I should just suck it up. 6 days and counting!

OP, I'm Indian-American, but my DH is not. While my ILs don't expect me to wait on them, they are pretty helpless when they visit because they won't drive etc. I've instituted a rule that DH has to take some time off work when they come to visit (not necessarily for the whole visit). It actually works out, because they visit as much to get time with him as with the grandkids...and DH enjoys their visit more too.

If things are stressful for you, then your DH also needs to defend you a little more. This might be in more subtle forms like suggesting going out to dinner. But the less he acts like he accepts the default notion that you should be doing everything except when he "helps", the less they will act like it.

OP here, I think its a great idea to make DH take time off next time they come to visit, or to plan their trips shorter.

[Anonymous]

I am Indian and so is my husband. 1st generation immigrants. I have cleaning service twice a week, a landscaping service and I do not do any laundry or food prep. I have hired someone to do that for us because I value the benefit of having a well established support system. When my ILs visit for SEVERAL MONTHS, I make sure that the cleaning service comes thrice a week, and I hire an older Indian lady to cook for all of us. It costs us a pretty penny but if no one wants to pitch in then stuff will need to get outsourced.

Go to the nearest Indian grocery store and ask them to give you the contact info of Indian women who will do all your cooking for you on an hourly basis. Many also will cook your food in bulk at their home and you can pick it up from there. OR you get frozen Indian food OR you get food from an Indian restaurant.

Basically, what OP is doing is a lot of boo-hooing. There is no problem, only an expense. She needs to spend some money and things will be resolved. Her ILs are 70 years old. They are no spring chicken and the son and DIL need to get their act together.

And BTW - don't start bellyaching about how you cannot afford this luxury. Most Indians can afford a whole lot in this country. Sheesh!!

[Anonymous]

Tell them dinner shopping and preparation tomorrow and every other night thereafter is on them. Give them a map, $200 and point the way to your kitchen supplies. As an alternative, offer takeout menus. Tell them how much you are looking forward to being taken care of!

Also--next time they visit, your husband takes vacation.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws have been staying with us for over 6 months. I complained a lot at first, but I have come to enjoy their company. They don't help out a lot (with food, cleanup or kids), but their presence is calming. I and my husband have a lot more to do in terms of grocery shopping and cooking, but we share the load. They won't be with us forever, and I've changed my perspective to focus on enjoying the time we have with them. Little things still irk me now and then, but overall, I've gotten used to it. It also helps the house is big enough for everyone to have their own space. They're in their 70s, their facing their mortality, why not spoil them a little...???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:he works full time, I work part time, and so I end up spending more time with them. When he is here, he does as much as he can (like over the weekend, he did meals, etc). they're also indian and very patriarchal, so there is this misguided expectation that I will do everything. not from him, from them.

I think you should start working full time and your husband should work part time. That will actually give a pause to their antiquated patriarchal notions. Was your's a love match or an arranged marriage? That also sometimes plays a role in these kinds of attitudes. Plus even in this country women are treated like 2nd class citizens, especially now the entire world knows how backward Trump and his ilk are, so they may think that it is ok to treat you poorly in this country too.

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry someone whose parents would come and stay 2 weeks - with you - no hotel. Your fault.

[Anonymous]

So much hate for Indian family members on DCUM. Why did you white women marry Indian men without learning anything about their culture ahead of time? This is ignorance on your part. Old Indian people are not going to change. Suck it up, OP. You made your bed...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get all the "suck it up" comments. The ILs' son married an American and lives in America--why should their culture and family's expectation of a DIL apply?

I would turn it around, "In our culture, we don't cook every meal." etc.

You marry into a family, that's why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get all the "suck it up" comments. The ILs' son married an American and lives in America--why should their culture and family's expectation of a DIL apply?

I would turn it around, "In our culture, we don't cook every meal." etc.

You marry into a family, that's why.

That's how Indians think of it. Americans think we have formed a new family after marriage with our own traditions and ways of doing things. We don't have to follow the norms and desires of a 70 something year old from India because we married their son.

[Anonymous]

Either DH takes more time off, or their visits are shorter, or you L-E-A-V-E for a few days while they are visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take-out is your friend. Seriously. And once your husband gets home from work, he can deal with serving dinner, etc. When you say serving them, do you mean plating their food (and they complain it's too much but then they eat every scrap and really want seconds?) and putting it in front of them, getting their drinks, doing all the setting of table, etc.?
Do they only eat Indian food? Do they also expect afternoon tea and biscuits?

Does your MIL wait on her husband when they're back home? Maybe look at it like she's getting a bit of a break, thanks to you. At least they're only here for two weeks, and not months and months!!

putting it in front of them, getting their drinks, doing all the setting of table, etc.?
Do they only eat Indian food? Do they also expect afternoon tea and biscuits?

Does your MIL wait on her husband when they're back home?

OP -- yes to all of the above!! Pray for me that it never becomes months and months! (my secret fear)

I'm the PP. I'm a white American and my in-laws come for a couple months at a time. I've scaled back what I do and I balk at the afternoon tea. I don't give a crap about tea and apparently I always make it slightly wrong. But its important to my DH and DCs to see my in-laws, and the more time with the Indian side of the family, the more connected to their "Indianness" my mixed-race children will feel. Get your in-laws to talk a lot to your children about their own childhoods, about back home, relatives, and do on.