My in laws are killing me

[Anonymous]

Indian American wives don't wait on their inlaws hand and foot and you shouldn't either OP! Recent Indian immigrants are another story.

[Anonymous]

I don't get all the "suck it up" comments. The ILs' son married an American and lives in America--why should their culture and family's expectation of a DIL apply?

I would turn it around, "In our culture, we don't cook every meal." etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh that sounds horrible. I think it's just one of those things where you have to suck it up and realize it's just a short period of time. Hang in there - it shall pass!

Or you effin give up and run off to become a drunk in Fort Lauderdale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indian American wives don't wait on their inlaws hand and foot and you shouldn't either OP! Recent Indian immigrants are another story.

I agree. My mom killed herself to be the perfect daughter in law. She was miserable and honestly I don't think her inlaws realized t or wanted her to be. I find myself having the attitude that people are welcome in my home, but I'm only going to do as much as I want to. I don't want to resent people and will not kill myself trying to please and impress them. I'll make decisions so that the visits are not a burden to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get all the "suck it up" comments. The ILs' son married an American and lives in America--why should their culture and family's expectation of a DIL apply?

I would turn it around, "In our culture, we don't cook every meal." etc.

Do we know the op's upbringing/nationality/ethnicity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're here for 2 weeks, and we're just at the start of week 2. They expect me to cook and serve them EVERY meal. They don't have any hobbies (reading the paper, etc...) and they're obsessed with my 2 year old but don't actually do anything to help with her. If I take them out, it's like taking out 3 babies. They're older (in their 70's), but not unable to physically fend for themselves. They're Indian. Ughhhhh, help.

Sorry you are dealing with this. My ILs suck too, but in my case they are white Americans who were in their late 50s and perfect health when my first was born. My MIL's first comment upon meeting her 6 week old grandchild was, "I don't change diapers." Also, before our kids were born, my MIL would sit around and expect to be waited on hand and foot. I don't recall seeing her taking a plate to the sink.

I do have Indian friends whose parents and ILs both come at least 1x a year. When their kid was born, the wife's parents came and helped. My friend was able to sleep in another room and get enough sleep so he'd be well rested for work the next day. Then, after 4 months, his parents came and helped out for a few months. I think it's a crap shoot who you end up with. I have to say that I've spent less time with them b/c of these reasons, so I wouldn't blame you for doing the same. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you can change their expectations, really - it's ingrained and cultural and they're old and unlikely to change.

Just get through this week, and then maybe go away for a long weekend soon or something. Hang in there!

Thank you -- you're right!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're here for 2 weeks, and we're just at the start of week 2. They expect me to cook and serve them EVERY meal. They don't have any hobbies (reading the paper, etc...) and they're obsessed with my 2 year old but don't actually do anything to help with her. If I take them out, it's like taking out 3 babies. They're older (in their 70's), but not unable to physically fend for themselves. They're Indian. Ughhhhh, help.

Sorry you are dealing with this. My ILs suck too, but in my case they are white Americans who were in their late 50s and perfect health when my first was born. My MIL's first comment upon meeting her 6 week old grandchild was, "I don't change diapers." Also, before our kids were born, my MIL would sit around and expect to be waited on hand and foot. I don't recall seeing her taking a plate to the sink.

I do have Indian friends whose parents and ILs both come at least 1x a year. When their kid was born, the wife's parents came and helped. My friend was able to sleep in another room and get enough sleep so he'd be well rested for work the next day. Then, after 4 months, his parents came and helped out for a few months. I think it's a crap shoot who you end up with. I have to say that I've spent less time with them b/c of these reasons, so I wouldn't blame you for doing the same. GL.

OP here, thank you for this. It helps to know that it's not only an Indian thing.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- I'm Indian American, but was raised very differently in a family of 3 girls where we were expected to focus on our studies and be independent and not cater to Indian patriarchy, so I'm just not used to it. When my parents come to visit, they actually help with everything and more than carry their fair share of the weight.

Thanks everyone, I just needed to vent, and you're right I should just suck it up. 6 days and counting!

[Anonymous]

Take-out is your friend. Seriously. And once your husband gets home from work, he can deal with serving dinner, etc. When you say serving them, do you mean plating their food (and they complain it's too much but then they eat every scrap and really want seconds?) and putting it in front of them, getting their drinks, doing all the setting of table, etc.?
Do they only eat Indian food? Do they also expect afternoon tea and biscuits?

Does your MIL wait on her husband when they're back home? Maybe look at it like she's getting a bit of a break, thanks to you. At least they're only here for two weeks, and not months and months!!

[Anonymous]

How would you be feeling if these were your parents visiting from India for two weeks? My guess is you'd be going out of your way to do things for them that you don't normally do at home with just your spouse and kid.
I'm Indian (grew up in India) and my parents visit once a year, for 2-3 weeks at a time. A visit from my parents means more grocery runs, trips to the Indian store, cooking more meals a day, more dishes and laundry. My parents willingly pitch in, but like lots of Indians they are used to having household help at home and there's only so much they can do. They don't really feel confident taking my kids out by themselves, and sometimes it feels like I have 4 babies on my hands. I work part-time too, so in short, this is all a lot of extra work for me. I don't complain and neither does my husband. He goes out of his way to make their visit comfortable and so do I. It's worth it to be able to have your child spend time with his/ her grandparents! They are your family too!
Ask your MIL for her recipes, maybe she'll offer to help you in the kitchen. Similarly you could ask your FIL to help with stuff around the house - I took my dad to Home Depot and he was like a kid in a candy store, and busied himself changing all the lightbulbs, anchoring a dresser and whatnot! Even if they don't help out, it's just two weeks and will go by quickly.

[Anonymous]

I can definitely empathize, but it's very similar to how things are with my own mother and mother-in-law who are both American born and raised. Our parents were on the older side when they had us and we had kids in our early 40s. So we have moms in their late 70s and they aren't rushing around doing housework. My own mom does a lot of child care but even with my first-born she's sit on the couch during week 1 and ask me what's for dinner. You can't change who your parents or in-laws are...it is what it is. Plus, unfortunately, for a lot of people who become parents at an older age, you have to sometimes care for your own parents while you care for your young children. And there are no grandpas, either

[Anonymous]

That's strange. We have many Indian acquaintances because of the area where we live. I have noticed that grandparents are VERY hands on with the grand kids. They often come and stay for 6 months and act as caregivers while the parents work. I'm surprised you inlaws are not more hands on based on what I see in our community. The families are pretty tight.

[Anonymous]

My Indian in laws only visit when my husband is willing to take off and entertain them. They, too, expect the woman (me) to wait on them, and my MIL in particular believes that she can say/do anything she wants and I just need to take it - she used to tell me stories about how funny it was that her own mother lived with her son and DIL, and hated/mistreated the DIL.

They also complain about not spending time with our child, but when they are around, they generally ignore the child/interact for a few minutes and then get bored and want attention from us. It's a lose/lose situation.

Agree with PPs - set boundaries and enforce. Don't let them determine what your duties/responsibilities are. And, the boundaries should be set by your husband.

[Anonymous]

I know for a fact that Indians eat a lot of takeout. Just make sure you don't get Domino's pizza but treat them to something good!