Rant re DH's family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the siblings were the squeaky wheel and demanded that the family pay for their education. Was it really that simple? Why didn't your husband demand the same? Perhaps you should be mad at him for not asking.

He thought it was wrong at the time. When his siblings did it he brought it up and was told flat out that his wife (me) could afford to do it. After that, he had very little contact with his family for years, but eventually he got over it. I never could. Maybe that makes him a better person, who knows.

so your husband was too scared to ask his parents to help with his college bills? he'd rather force his young working wife to pay his debts. Yuck.
I hope he has his priorities straight now.

Eh OP is far from a catch so I doubt her husband is either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are blaming your DH's family, when your DH is the one who ultimately decided to not ask his family to reimburse him for his education.

Who pays for a child's higher education is a cultural difference between you and your DH and his family and you aren't willing to accept this difference or work through it. Although for some reason, you were very willing to date and marry outside of your culture.

You're getting to play the victim/martyr, which is the powerful role here. You get to call all the shots and feel sorry for your poor, poor self. Not so easy to let that go and choose happiness for your family instead.

I get that. I had issues with my own family but we worked through them because fundamentally we love each other. But I just can't seem to be able to do it with these people because I see what they are doing now as too lit, too late.

Because, again, you like being the martyr and wanting everyone to feel badly for you. It's a character defect (and likely happens other places in your life too). If you're serious about therapy, get it. I grew up with a mom like you (and actually didn't get to see my cousins for a decade because of it) and it's miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am dying to hear what your DH says about this. Can you let us know?

Yes, where is your DH in all this?

And why did your being a better student mean that you were presumed to take on the role of main breadwinner?

I could get into a better grad school and had more opportunities.

It doesn't really work that way, but ok.

I think you are complicit in your own situation.

Is your DH a contributing breadwinner now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand why OP is so hurt and angry. She and her parents loved and supported her husband while his parents neglected him but supported his siblings. That is awful. Even if it was a matter of timing, they should have spoken to you both about any change of events ("now we have money for everyone's tuition")

You didn't say it beyond "immigrant" but it reaks of discrimination and bigotry towards you, your class, your immigration status (which is legal).

I'm sorry. I think you all need to talk about it as a group, with the adult siblings. You have been mistreated and take advantage of for years. The siblings may have no idea the extent. It may be best for you for them to know. You're not asking for anything beyond them listening and trying to understand what you are working through. Work through it and then enjoy your big family.

Other healthy option is to work through it yourself solo and get over it. It sucks but no one is going to give you anything for bringing this up over and over again. it is OK and therapeutic to bring it up once but then move on.

I wish to hell I knew how to start this particular conversation. This family is not into airing out their feelings. But I will talk to DH and see if we could figure something out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am dying to hear what your DH says about this. Can you let us know?

Yes, where is your DH in all this?

And why did your being a better student mean that you were presumed to take on the role of main breadwinner?

I could get into a better grad school and had more opportunities.

It doesn't really work that way, but ok.

I think you are complicit in your own situation.

Is your DH a contributing breadwinner now?

Yes he is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am dying to hear what your DH says about this. Can you let us know?

Yes, where is your DH in all this?

And why did your being a better student mean that you were presumed to take on the role of main breadwinner?

I could get into a better grad school and had more opportunities.

It doesn't really work that way, but ok.

I think you are complicit in your own situation.

Is your DH a contributing breadwinner now?

Yes he is

Well since you have the time to post here I assume you've looked up therapists?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are blaming your DH's family, when your DH is the one who ultimately decided to not ask his family to reimburse him for his education.

Who pays for a child's higher education is a cultural difference between you and your DH and his family and you aren't willing to accept this difference or work through it. Although for some reason, you were very willing to date and marry outside of your culture.

You're getting to play the victim/martyr, which is the powerful role here. You get to call all the shots and feel sorry for your poor, poor self. Not so easy to let that go and choose happiness for your family instead.

I get that. I had issues with my own family but we worked through them because fundamentally we love each other. But I just can't seem to be able to do it with these people because I see what they are doing now as too lit, too late.

Because, again, you like being the martyr and wanting everyone to feel badly for you. It's a character defect (and likely happens other places in your life too). If you're serious about therapy, get it. I grew up with a mom like you (and actually didn't get to see my cousins for a decade because of it) and it's miserable.

I am self-aware enough to know it's a character defect and moderate it. Rest assured my kids see their cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am dying to hear what your DH says about this. Can you let us know?

Yes, where is your DH in all this?

And why did your being a better student mean that you were presumed to take on the role of main breadwinner?

I could get into a better grad school and had more opportunities.

It doesn't really work that way, but ok.

I think you are complicit in your own situation.

Is your DH a contributing breadwinner now?

Yes he is

Well since you have the time to post here I assume you've looked up therapists?

Yes and I have done therapy. I found it helpful in other areas. Just not with this particular issue. I am home with a sick child today and he is sleeping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are blaming your DH's family, when your DH is the one who ultimately decided to not ask his family to reimburse him for his education.

Who pays for a child's higher education is a cultural difference between you and your DH and his family and you aren't willing to accept this difference or work through it. Although for some reason, you were very willing to date and marry outside of your culture.

You're getting to play the victim/martyr, which is the powerful role here. You get to call all the shots and feel sorry for your poor, poor self. Not so easy to let that go and choose happiness for your family instead.

I get that. I had issues with my own family but we worked through them because fundamentally we love each other. But I just can't seem to be able to do it with these people because I see what they are doing now as too lit, too late.

Because, again, you like being the martyr and wanting everyone to feel badly for you. It's a character defect (and likely happens other places in your life too). If you're serious about therapy, get it. I grew up with a mom like you (and actually didn't get to see my cousins for a decade because of it) and it's miserable.

I am self-aware enough to know it's a character defect and moderate it. Rest assured my kids see their cousins.

Do you really want to change? Because it sounds like all you want to hear is what a saint you are and how right you are.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you just sound petty and full of yourself. Not good qualities.

[Anonymous]

You also should know that if you go talk to his family, they may not give you the ideal reaction you're hoping for. This is probably best worked out with a therapist first.

Maybe you need to sit with yourself first and think through just what it is you really want. The money? The venting? The family to show you eternal gratitude? Your DH to show you some gratitude? What is the minimum you will accept? Will the possible turmoil you create be worth it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I'm confused about a few things:
-could DH's family contributed to college and were holding back? It sounds like they went through tough times financially and couldn't pay the bill. If that's so, then I wouldn't hold resentment against his parents for not paying for his college.
- It wasn't appropriate for his parent to call you and ask you to pay off his loans. Were you married at the time? If you were married, it's a reasonable decision for couples to decide to pay off all outstanding student loans together, regardless of what his family said.
- Is there more

They couldn't have right then. They could have paid his loans later, once the financial situation has stabilized. His siblings basically threatened to cut off all contact with the family unless their tuition got paid - it got paid. DH never did this and his tuition never got paid.

We were married. But my problem is that I still feel that I took on what was essentially his parents' obligation.

Yeah, I basically feel that his family always viewed me as a cash cow.

Your resentment should be with your husband. It was his responsibility to pay for his loans. If he wanted to coerce his parents into paying for his college like his siblings did, then he should've/could've done that. But he didn't, so he should've taken responsibility for paying his own student loans.

You didn't take on his parents' obligations; you took on his. Frankly, you sound overbearing. It sounds like you were bossy then and are bossy now and are some how resentful of things you willingly did.

Where is your husband in all of this? Is he a child? You talk about him as if he is.

You made yourself your husband's parent. Now you resent it. But that's on you (and your husband).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You also should know that if you go talk to his family, they may not give you the ideal reaction you're hoping for. This is probably best worked out with a therapist first.

Maybe you need to sit with yourself first and think through just what it is you really want. The money? The venting? The family to show you eternal gratitude? Your DH to show you some gratitude? What is the minimum you will accept? Will the possible turmoil you create be worth it?

I think youve figured it out. OP wants everyone to show her eternal gratitude for what she did. And until everyone is kissing her feet, she's going act like a mopey and petty teenager.

[Anonymous]

OP you can't get over it because your problem is actually your DH.

He allowed his family to treat you like this.
He allowed you to pay for his education.
HE took advantage of you- the immigrant kid.
He allowed the people who abused you back into HIS life.
He always chooses his family over you.

This is the wuss you married. He was clearly up front with you about his family and their issues early on. You chose to look past it, marry him and have kids with him. You can chose to thinking this is his family issue but this is your issue. Your issue with your DH. It won't end well unless you get serious therapy for yourself and become more self aware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the "they took advantage of an immigrant kid" stuff. They aren't nice and it's understandable that you don't like them but they didn't take special advantage of you.

I feel like I was fulfilling their obligations to their son. We both worked several jobs through college and grad school. They could have made lives easier for us but didn't.

My husband and I both took care of college and grad school on our own. I don't get what your problem is. Parents are only obligated to provide for kids until 18. There is no obligation to pay for college.