Mom not happy in assisted living

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

This is awful! Send mom to assisted living and then block her calls?!? Who are you people? I don't have much advice, but are there geriatric specialists in counseling that could help?

"Who are you people?"

I know who you are. Someone who doesn't have a parent in assisted living or living with them. Your patience with dear old mom would erode to zero over the course of a single day.

If you are not in this boat, STFU, you have nothing to say, you are as bad as people with no kids giving parenting advice.

We are the people who love their families. My mom took a sick grandmother to live with us in a small house for 4 year, and we all was taking care of her. I will take my mom or dad to live with me when they will need care. This is not even discussed. I also took care of my aunt who was not walking when I was in college. I know it is hard. But it is heartless to leave your parent or grandparent in the assisted living.

[Anonymous]

When it comes to the situations, there aren't many options. The facility is what it is and is often the best or only option.

But some POs really need to take a step back and develop some empathy.

These folks are people who were once independent, who got to choose what they wanted to eat, and what they wanted to do with their day, and where they would go and where would they sleep.

Now they are sick or frail and other people are controlling almost their entire lives.

This is a huge shift and an unpleasant one. This can result in anxiety, depression, you name it.

Our elderly are not just big gray, wrinkly children. They are adults who are suddenly being treated like children.

Don't block the calls. Get your mother a therapist, someone to talk to to help ease her through this.Try to make living there special for her, instead of a prison.

And give it time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

This is awful! Send mom to assisted living and then block her calls?!? Who are you people? I don't have much advice, but are there geriatric specialists in counseling that could help?

"Who are you people?"

I know who you are. Someone who doesn't have a parent in assisted living or living with them. Your patience with dear old mom would erode to zero over the course of a single day.

If you are not in this boat, STFU, you have nothing to say, you are as bad as people with no kids giving parenting advice.

We are the people who love their families. My mom took a sick grandmother to live with us in a small house for 4 year, and we all was taking care of her. I will take my mom or dad to live with me when they will need care. This is not even discussed. I also took care of my aunt who was not walking when I was in college. I know it is hard. But it is heartless to leave your parent or grandparent in the assisted living.

I guess not everyone in your family needed to work outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

This is awful! Send mom to assisted living and then block her calls?!? Who are you people? I don't have much advice, but are there geriatric specialists in counseling that could help?

"Who are you people?"

I know who you are. Someone who doesn't have a parent in assisted living or living with them. Your patience with dear old mom would erode to zero over the course of a single day.

If you are not in this boat, STFU, you have nothing to say, you are as bad as people with no kids giving parenting advice.

We are the people who love their families. My mom took a sick grandmother to live with us in a small house for 4 year, and we all was taking care of her. I will take my mom or dad to live with me when they will need care. This is not even discussed. I also took care of my aunt who was not walking when I was in college. I know it is hard. But it is heartless to leave your parent or grandparent in the assisted living.

When my dad was in a nursing home, he got good care and I visited him regularly. If I had tried to care for him in my own home while I tried to work and juggle the demands of my own life I would have lost my mind AND he would have received substandard care because I am only one person.

There is no shame in knowing your own limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

This is awful! Send mom to assisted living and then block her calls?!? Who are you people? I don't have much advice, but are there geriatric specialists in counseling that could help?

"Who are you people?"

I know who you are. Someone who doesn't have a parent in assisted living or living with them. Your patience with dear old mom would erode to zero over the course of a single day.

If you are not in this boat, STFU, you have nothing to say, you are as bad as people with no kids giving parenting advice.

We are the people who love their families. My mom took a sick grandmother to live with us in a small house for 4 year, and we all was taking care of her. I will take my mom or dad to live with me when they will need care. This is not even discussed. I also took care of my aunt who was not walking when I was in college. I know it is hard. But it is heartless to leave your parent or grandparent in the assisted living.

What a mean thing to imply - that people who put their family in assisted living don't love them. Shame on you.

[Anonymous]

Unless you've lived this personally, your advice is purely abstract. To the PP who is calling anyone who utilizes AL for their parents "heartless," please go jump off a bridge. You may think you know what this is like from your experience as a child in a home with elderly relatives, but you have no clue what it takes to care for someone with even mid-stage Alzheimers - who may be incontinent, unable to eat solid food without risk of aspiration, and unable to be left alone ever. A high-quality nursing or AL facility can be wonderful for everyone, including and especially the elderly parent.

OP I don't know how to help with the adjustment issues, but I'd second the advice to work with the staff - there should be a care manager or a social worker, plus the medical team that oversees the facility.

My father (who had Alzheimers) initially didn't want to move from his home, but adjusted phenomenally well. It also happened to be a wonderful place. But after a year or so and some medical declines, he became obsessed with the telephone. He called all of us a lot, but especially my sibling whom he was closest to. It was really hard for everyone, and my sibling (who was totally devoted to our dad) really got to the breaking point. We didn't block the calls, but the staff helped by trying to minimize his access to a phone, in part because they appreciated that the calls didn't actually comfort him - they only left him more agitated.

We had quarterly conference calls with my father's full medical team after he went into the memory care unit and then skilled nursing. It was very helpful for discussing issues like these and thinking through the strategies for helping him be as comfortable as possible. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My greatest fear in life is getting put in a home or getting stuck with one of my worthless kids. I would kill myself first.

What do you plan to do when you're old? Honestly, those are pretty much your two options. Very few people can live alone until they die.

NP here. I fully intend to kill myself when I am elderly, as soon as I recognize that I can't live on my own anymore. I even know how I will do it. I watched three grandparents (two great) die lingering deaths in assisted living/nursing homes, and our family paid for the best care...but that kind of "life", with its humiliating loss of dignity and freedom, is hellish. I made my choice when I was 16 and was making regular visits to my great grandma. I will NEVER go into a home.

That will only work if you don't become incapacitated by stroke or accident or some other way where you have the luxury of carrying out your own demise.

[Anonymous]

Op, please don't exaggerate. I fear, for the sake of emphasis, you are exaggerating regarding the act of kicking and screaming, and 50 phone calls a day. No one here can really help if you intentionally over dramatize - there are so many posters here who have never dealt with elders with dementia

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My greatest fear in life is getting put in a home or getting stuck with one of my worthless kids. I would kill myself first.

What do you plan to do when you're old? Honestly, those are pretty much your two options. Very few people can live alone until they die.

NP here. I fully intend to kill myself when I am elderly, as soon as I recognize that I can't live on my own anymore. I even know how I will do it. I watched three grandparents (two great) die lingering deaths in assisted living/nursing homes, and our family paid for the best care...but that kind of "life", with its humiliating loss of dignity and freedom, is hellish. I made my choice when I was 16 and was making regular visits to my great grandma. I will NEVER go into a home.

That will only work if you don't become incapacitated by stroke or accident or some other way where you don't have the luxury of carrying out your own demise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

This is awful! Send mom to assisted living and then block her calls?!? Who are you people? I don't have much advice, but are there geriatric specialists in counseling that could help?

"Who are you people?"

I know who you are. Someone who doesn't have a parent in assisted living or living with them. Your patience with dear old mom would erode to zero over the course of a single day.

If you are not in this boat, STFU, you have nothing to say, you are as bad as people with no kids giving parenting advice.

We are the people who love their families. My mom took a sick grandmother to live with us in a small house for 4 year, and we all was taking care of her. I will take my mom or dad to live with me when they will need care. This is not even discussed. I also took care of my aunt who was not walking when I was in college. I know it is hard. But it is heartless to leave your parent or grandparent in the assisted living.

Oh wow...your mom cares for someone for 4 whole years and you've thought about taking care of your parents. Nobel prize please!! You understand that people with Alzheimer's can literally live decades? But 4 years...what a sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

This is awful! Send mom to assisted living and then block her calls?!? Who are you people? I don't have much advice, but are there geriatric specialists in counseling that could help?

"Who are you people?"

I know who you are. Someone who doesn't have a parent in assisted living or living with them. Your patience with dear old mom would erode to zero over the course of a single day.

If you are not in this boat, STFU, you have nothing to say, you are as bad as people with no kids giving parenting advice.

We are the people who love their families. My mom took a sick grandmother to live with us in a small house for 4 year, and we all was taking care of her. I will take my mom or dad to live with me when they will need care. This is not even discussed. I also took care of my aunt who was not walking when I was in college. I know it is hard. But it is heartless to leave your parent or grandparent in the assisted living.

Not everyone ages the same.
We have a family member on my husband's side of the family that was fairly "easy" to care for as she aged. She lost mobility, and couldn't be left by herself, but she was calm. She could hold a conversation.
But some people when they get older get combative. They will literally hit their caregivers, scream, and have outbursts.

Are you really saying that when your relatives get older, both you and your spouse will quit your jobs so you can take on 24/7 care of the relative? That you will subject your children to being screamed at and having objects thrown at them?

[Anonymous]

The reason this is doable for the assisted living staff is because they get to clock out every day and go home to their own lives. Plus they are trained to handle the needs of the residents and they have all of the equipment available to take care of them in a safe environment. If they need to call in sick one day they can do it. If they want to take a day off, they can do it.

A care giver at home taking care of another family member 24/7 doesn't have those benefits. They can't leave and get back to their own life - that IS their life. If the caregiver gets sick or injured...what then?

[Anonymous]

Visit your mom, Op. See for yourself what her environment is like. Advocate for her - be polite but firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

This is awful! Send mom to assisted living and then block her calls?!? Who are you people? I don't have much advice, but are there geriatric specialists in counseling that could help?

"Who are you people?"

I know who you are. Someone who doesn't have a parent in assisted living or living with them. Your patience with dear old mom would erode to zero over the course of a single day.

If you are not in this boat, STFU, you have nothing to say, you are as bad as people with no kids giving parenting advice.

We are the people who love their families. My mom took a sick grandmother to live with us in a small house for 4 year, and we all was taking care of her. I will take my mom or dad to live with me when they will need care. This is not even discussed. I also took care of my aunt who was not walking when I was in college. I know it is hard. But it is heartless to leave your parent or grandparent in the assisted living.

"My family did it, so I presume to speak for all mankind". What a sanctimonious glass bowl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When it comes to the situations, there aren't many options. The facility is what it is and is often the best or only option.

But some POs really need to take a step back and develop some empathy.

These folks are people who were once independent, who got to choose what they wanted to eat, and what they wanted to do with their day, and where they would go and where would they sleep.

Now they are sick or frail and other people are controlling almost their entire lives.

This is a huge shift and an unpleasant one. This can result in anxiety, depression, you name it.

Our elderly are not just big gray, wrinkly children. They are adults who are suddenly being treated like children.

Don't block the calls. Get your mother a therapist, someone to talk to to help ease her through this.Try to make living there special for her, instead of a prison.

And give it time.

+1.

People are so self absorbed that they only look at it from their own perspective. We KNEW we were going to have to get ahead of this when we had to take mom's car keys. So we started getting her some transition counseling. By the time AL was required, she was fairly comfortable with the whole process. If we had just dropped her off or not taken steps to deal with the emotional part of the transition, it would have been a mess. My advice to OP is that you should talk to the people at the AL and see what kind of emotional support resources they offer - some have transition counselors on staff or easily accessible. If they cannot provide it, look for someone (private and some state/counties offer service) who can come in (weekly, at the start) to talk with her and help her with the emotional side of it.