Mom not happy in assisted living

[Anonymous]

We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

[Anonymous]

Can she live with you? I am crying reading this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

This. Do not answer. You see her on the weekends. If you like, you can set up a time every day that you will call her.
Remember, on airplanes you put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others. You can't help her if you're not taking care of yourself. Setting boundaries IS about helping her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can she live with you? I am crying reading this.

OP said she needs medical supervision because she will not take her medicine. It's not something a child can do for a parent. I know what I'm talking about, because I tried it and it was exhausting and unsuccessful. Eventually my mom came to like the facility and a year later everything is going much better. Sometimes you can't have your parents with you, even if you really would like them there.

[Anonymous]

Why can't she live in a facility closer to you? How old is she?

[Anonymous]

Are her complaints valid (e.g. the food is inedible, no one helps her when she needs to do X, not just she doesn't want to be there). Tell your brother he needs to pick up some of the slack. How often does he visit?

Adjusting takes time. It took my grandmother 2 years.

When you go visit her, try to do some of the activities with her. We set up a rotation and someone always visited on a sunday morning to make sure my grandmother went to a church service - it had been one of her primary methods of socializing her entire life. We found out the days there was a bridge club, and so on. It was awful at times, I'd never seen my grandmother so angry and sad. She did adjust however, and the last 10 years of her life were great, and the transition to the nursing home at the same facility went very well.

[Anonymous]

This is sad. I can't believe some of the cold answers. Blocking her call would be wrong. Does she have any siblings she could live with? Can she move back to her home and have a nurse? Think of other options.

[Anonymous]

Consider moving her to another facility. You wouldn't believe the "mean girls" in some of these places. It will take some time and I would let her know you can't talk multiple Xs daily but will speak to her at a set time every day. This is hard, so try to be patient with her and with yourself and your siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she live in a facility closer to you? How old is she?

This, if brother refuses to deal with her and you have a 3 hour drive, you find a nice facility near you and move her closer. This is what we did. We moved my MIL cross country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is sad. I can't believe some of the cold answers. Blocking her call would be wrong. Does she have any siblings she could live with? Can she move back to her home and have a nurse? Think of other options.

How is blocking her calls wrong and cold? Her mom is safe and receiving the medication she needs. She is calling to complain multiple times a day. OP drives 3 hours each way to visit each week. This is what the family can afford and decided upon. I'll bet my paycheck that if they could have made this work with her living in her own house, they would have made that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sad. I can't believe some of the cold answers. Blocking her call would be wrong. Does she have any siblings she could live with? Can she move back to her home and have a nurse? Think of other options.

How is blocking her calls wrong and cold? Her mom is safe and receiving the medication she needs. She is calling to complain multiple times a day. OP drives 3 hours each way to visit each week. This is what the family can afford and decided upon. I'll bet my paycheck that if they could have made this work with her living in her own house, they would have made that happen.

You don't know that she's safe. These places are a hotbed of elder abuse. OP- I would tell your brother that this isn't working and she needs to be closer to you.

[Anonymous]

My mother had dementia at 79 and her SO died revealing her symptoms. She was prey for everyone who needed money in town because they saw the decline.She needed a bit of help with grocery shopping, taking meds, going to doctors appointments etc. She was angry and sad to leave her home, but a year after going to assisted living she made friends, loved the food, enjoyed a smaller space etc. You possibly feel that you moved her too soon, but your timing was perfect. You should think about moving her closer to you since your brothers are selfish with their time.

[Anonymous]

So OP why do you think you were "overruled"? Sound passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP why do you think you were "overruled"? Sound passive aggressive.

Huh? Passive aggressive? Did you read the original post? OP has brotherS. That's plural. If 2 brothers wanted one place and she wanted another, 2 overrules 1.