Mom not happy in assisted living

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

Please, don't do this unless you want your kids to treat you like this when you get older. Try to see if there are any other options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sad. I can't believe some of the cold answers. Blocking her call would be wrong. Does she have any siblings she could live with? Can she move back to her home and have a nurse? Think of other options.

How is blocking her calls wrong and cold? Her mom is safe and receiving the medication she needs. She is calling to complain multiple times a day. OP drives 3 hours each way to visit each week. This is what the family can afford and decided upon. I'll bet my paycheck that if they could have made this work with her living in her own house, they would have made that happen.

Wait until you're in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Why did the brothers overrule OP? Was it a cost issue.

You can have her moved, but will she keep complaining? At least the drivenwould be shorter.

When I was in high school my parents refused to put my grandmother in assisted living when her dementia really took over and it was very difficult for all of us. None of us were trained medical professionals whatsoever. She was forgetfull, would wander off, and eventually became violent because she didn't know who we were and was scared. Looking back on it I wish my parents had at some point put her in a professional living arrangement. It is not always possible for family to take in an elderly member, so don't judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can she live with you? I am crying reading this.

OP said she needs medical supervision because she will not take her medicine. It's not something a child can do for a parent. I know what I'm talking about, because I tried it and it was exhausting and unsuccessful. Eventually my mom came to like the facility and a year later everything is going much better. Sometimes you can't have your parents with you, even if you really would like them there.

+1

It is extremely difficult. Unless you have lived it, you cannot understand.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps there is someone in your mom's assisted living center, like a social worker, who could help.
Sending positive thoughts your way. OP. You sound like a wonderful daughter.

[Anonymous]

Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining

She is not a well woman - - this is not normal behavior. Op, if you think this is normal behavior, you have problems too. Your mother needs care. Chances are the facility is fine. Chances are there are others who live there she could be-friend to enrich her life.

[Anonymous]

Is she a complainer? Do you think she is just being stubborn or could things be bad? From what I have heard, you really need to supervise the care in these places, so,I would not block your moms calls. Maybe you can set up a time each day to talk. So that your mom knows she is being heard, but so it does not take over your life.

I think itvis great you visit once a week. Since your brothers picked the place, you should insist they also visit often, and make sure she is really OK. I imagine it is a really hard adjustment, and she could be complaining about nothing, but do keep up the visits.

Good luck to you. This is a very tough decision.

[Anonymous]

Talk to a social worker or case nurse at the assisted living center and find out how she's spending her days. Someone who physically works at the center needs to try to make this situation better for your mom. If they won't put in a good effort to acclimate her, then she needs to be moved somewhere where they will. Also, see if they can provide you with a different outlet for checking in. DH's grandma is in a facility where they will set up Skype calls with relatives when visiting isn't practical. What is your mother's condition that she needs assisted living?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

What is wrong with you?! Block her mother's call?

OP, make a surprise visit at a meal and see what the food is like. My aunt? was in a nursing home and complained about the food. I made a surprise visit on a Sunday for the evening meal and patrons were given a pint of mild, an apple and a grilled cheese sandwich. The grilled cheese had been cooked hours earlier and was so hard I couldn't break it into. The next morning I called the director and raised Holy Hell.

Do not assume this is just an adjustment period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining

She is not a well woman - - this is not normal behavior. Op, if you think this is normal behavior, you have problems too. Your mother needs care. Chances are the facility is fine. Chances are there are others who live there she could be-friend to enrich her life.

50 calls a day would tell me that something is seriously wrong!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

What is wrong with you?! Block her mother's call?

OP, make a surprise visit at a meal and see what the food is like. My aunt? was in a nursing home and complained about the food. I made a surprise visit on a Sunday for the evening meal and patrons were given a pint of mild, an apple and a grilled cheese sandwich. The grilled cheese had been cooked hours earlier and was so hard I couldn't break it into. The next morning I called the director and raised Holy Hell.

Do not assume this is just an adjustment period.

Dragging her kicking an screaming indicates the mom might be in guardianship of 1 of the brothers and that brother is the POA. My parent had an apt in assisted living then checked herself out and went back to her house-social workers visit and determine the ability to make decisions and live in the house.

[Anonymous]

I would check that she is not being abused in any way.
That required multiple surprise visits at different times of the day, as well as inspecting your mother's body for any signs of neglect or abuse.

If that's all cleared up, then I would consult with a doctor specializing in geriatry, or a psychologist in the same field who can visit her and assess her situation. It likely won't change much at first, but it will give you tools and knowledge to manage the situation and hopefully make her, and you, feel better in the long run.

I'm very sorry this is happening to your family, OP. We were just talking about this with our friends yesterday at Easter dinner. Growing old is not fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can she live with you? I am crying reading this.

OP said she needs medical supervision because she will not take her medicine. It's not something a child can do for a parent. I know what I'm talking about, because I tried it and it was exhausting and unsuccessful. Eventually my mom came to like the facility and a year later everything is going much better. Sometimes you can't have your parents with you, even if you really would like them there.

+1

It is extremely difficult. Unless you have lived it, you cannot understand.

Having lived it as a minor NOT taking medicine or forgetting to take medicine is a very minor thing as far as type of care needed in assisted living or a skilled nursing facility. But the fact that the mom needs meds and is not capable of or refuses to take them is probably indicative of a larger issue.

If I needed to take a medication to remain functioning I'd take it. Ideally an elderly disabled person will move to a viable residence before tragedy strikes. For some that is an apt in a senior complex [supports available when no driving] and they still drive. From there it's an apt in assisted living then skilled nursing.

If they have family, friends, etc in an area it is best to be in an accessible place NOT a long road trip. Plus the outings will be to places they enjoy and are familiar with-not starting over in a new place-essentially moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can she live with you? I am crying reading this.

NO NO NO, DO NOT DO THIS, SHE WILL DRIVE YOU INSANE!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is sad. I can't believe some of the cold answers. Blocking her call would be wrong. Does she have any siblings she could live with? Can she move back to her home and have a nurse? Think of other options.

You're out of your fucking mind. You have no idea what it's like. People in assisted living have nothing else to do all day but (a) think of complaints, and (b) find someone to tell those complaints to.

You MUST block her if she is calling you incessantly.