Pick up drop off fight with DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP. If you need "permission" to start work at 8:05 instead of 8, it's hard to imagine you are a "professional woman". Most professionals aren't literally clocking in and out. There is an expectation that I am at work during standard hours, but no one is watching the clock. Assuming my work is done and done well, no one cares whether I get to work at 8 or 9. And no one is watching to see when I leave.

Reality check - Being career military (assuming your DH is a senior NCO or an Officer) in DC is a tough assignment. His time belongs to the military. And while the military is becoming more family friendly, most branches aren't there yet. I remember hearing "if the Army wanted you to have a family, they would have issued you one" many times.

If your spouse plans to make the military his career, you will not have one. You will have jobs. But especially as he advances in rank, the demands on both him and on you increase. He is married to you, but he belongs to the military. You accept that and find a way to make it work. If you don't, his career will suffer, he will resent you, and you will both be unhappy.

It's not "fair" but it's reality. You chose this life when you married him.

Signed,
Daughter of a retired 3-star General
Wife of a former Colonel who is now a Fed.

Double standard much? "His time belongs to the military" but I "can't be a professional" because I had to negotiate my time? I'm a lawyer, sorry it's not professional enough for you, and you need to stop wearing daddy's rank.

It's not about "wearing my daddy's rank". I'm 50 years old, for heaven's sake. It's about growing up in that life and continuing it for much of my married life. If your DH moves up in rank, you will move every two years. Your career will take a backseat. It may be a double standard, but it is the way the military works. I don't care if you are a lawyer or a dog catcher, your career will come second because the military literally owns your DH. If you don't show up to work, you might get fired. If he doesn't show up, he goes to jail.

You either accept that. Or you and your DH will be miserable. It's not about "fair".

I'm familiar with how the military works, you don't need to sign off using daddy's rank, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If his duty day starts at 5:45, then he should easily be home by 4-4:30, so the post makes no sense. I don't know anyone who went home after PT vs. showering at the gym.

Do you know anyone in the military?

Military regularly work 12+ hour days, longer if they are working at tye base level.

Your post makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If his duty day starts at 5:45, then he should easily be home by 4-4:30, so the post makes no sense. I don't know anyone who went home after PT vs. showering at the gym.

You obviously don't know the military. Or at least the life of an Officer. My DH left the house at 445 every morning. I was lucky if he was home before 730pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you needed to negotiate a 5 minute later start time with your boss I have to believe you are under enormous stress and looking for the source. It is not your DH.

Don't blame him for the stress you are under with whatever career/boss you have. That's what is causing you stress, not him.

She actually just needs to get out of bed 15 minutes earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What time do you get up, OP?

I get up at 6:30, shower and start getting dressed. At 7 DS wakes up, so I get him situated, finish getting ready, get him ready, and we go downstairs at 7:20, where we do teeth, shoes, socks, jacket, and get in the car. I just wish DH could do the downstairs portion. It would help SO much. I feel stupid saying how much those ten minutes would help, but to just know that stressful little portion of the morning that kills my back and tests the limits of the Lycra in my suit are being taken care of would make my morning so much better.

Get up at 6. And stop wearing cheap suits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I DONT WAKE UP AT 7:30am. I LEAVE THE HOUSE AT 7:30 am. How could I wake up at 7:30 and have an 8:05 start time? (Which I agree is so insanely stupid and offensive that I had to get a MEMO for, but my boss/job are great in most every other way)

My DH also travels a lot, and he is gone his fair share over weekends, and I need to be really clear. He's NOT deployed. He has a desk job, he is not in harm's way. We are both well educated, and we both have reasonably important jobs. His life is not harder than mine, his personal time is not more valuable. I made a choice to marry into the Army, but he made a choice to be in the Army, and have a child with a professional woman. I'm literally asking that he does maybe 10-12 minutes of help in the morning with OUR child.

I was a single mom from the start and did pick up and drop off myself.

With the incredibly short time frames you have in the morning, it's better if only one of you does the prep work. Adding in your DH will only prolong not shorten the situation.

Get yourself completely ready for the day before you walk into your child's room.

Potty first thing.

If you want to give your DS a choice in clothing, do that the night before. Otherwise, just pick out something and put it on.

For socks and shoes, he does whichever one he can do quicker and you do the other. Or put on his socks and then hand him his shoes in the car to put on. He has until you get to daycare to do it and if not you will put them on.

I could easily get out the door in 15-20 minutes which included taking care of 2 dogs when my child was 2. It's just a matter of routine.

Pick up and evenings - since there is more time, that's a better place to get DH's involvement and for you to slow down and catch a break.

I appreciate the advice and won't insult you by saying "I'm basically a single mom" bc I know I'm not, but I have the routine down. Like I say to my DH, it's not that I CAN'T do it. I do it solo all the time. I got through the first two years by pretending I was a single mom, so that I was never counting on DH, so I could never be let down. It's not that I cannot do the morning, and not take lunch, and do the evening pick up and dinner and clean up. It's that I feel resentment about it when I'm rushing and he's doing...honestly I don't even know...downstairs.

I have 7 pairs of the same pants. I have 14 pairs of socks and underwear, I have 14 professional blouses. I keep suit jackets at work. I know how to do routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you needed to negotiate a 5 minute later start time with your boss I have to believe you are under enormous stress and looking for the source. It is not your DH.

Don't blame him for the stress you are under with whatever career/boss you have. That's what is causing you stress, not him.

She actually just needs to get out of bed 15 minutes earlier.

That would help, but there really is no good reason the husband can't put the kid's coat on since he is there anyway. She is already doing everything else for drop off / pick up / dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If his duty day starts at 5:45, then he should easily be home by 4-4:30, so the post makes no sense. I don't know anyone who went home after PT vs. showering at the gym.

You obviously don't know the military. Or at least the life of an Officer. My DH left the house at 445 every morning. I was lucky if he was home before 730pm.

Well this is op and I do "know the military" a fair bit, DC, overseas, and CONUS. I've worked all three. Some jobs you see people have 12 hour days. Some people are hiding from their families in their offices, some are at happy hour. Ever been to that Irish pub in Crystal City? Plenty of greensuiters in there having beers at 5pm. I'm not trying to say it's an easy life, but not everyone is working 12 hour days all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I DONT WAKE UP AT 7:30am. I LEAVE THE HOUSE AT 7:30 am. How could I wake up at 7:30 and have an 8:05 start time? (Which I agree is so insanely stupid and offensive that I had to get a MEMO for, but my boss/job are great in most every other way)

My DH also travels a lot, and he is gone his fair share over weekends, and I need to be really clear. He's NOT deployed. He has a desk job, he is not in harm's way. We are both well educated, and we both have reasonably important jobs. His life is not harder than mine, his personal time is not more valuable. I made a choice to marry into the Army, but he made a choice to be in the Army, and have a child with a professional woman. I'm literally asking that he does maybe 10-12 minutes of help in the morning with OUR child.

I was a single mom from the start and did pick up and drop off myself.

With the incredibly short time frames you have in the morning, it's better if only one of you does the prep work. Adding in your DH will only prolong not shorten the situation.

Get yourself completely ready for the day before you walk into your child's room.

Potty first thing.

If you want to give your DS a choice in clothing, do that the night before. Otherwise, just pick out something and put it on.

For socks and shoes, he does whichever one he can do quicker and you do the other. Or put on his socks and then hand him his shoes in the car to put on. He has until you get to daycare to do it and if not you will put them on.

I could easily get out the door in 15-20 minutes which included taking care of 2 dogs when my child was 2. It's just a matter of routine.

Pick up and evenings - since there is more time, that's a better place to get DH's involvement and for you to slow down and catch a break.

I appreciate the advice and won't insult you by saying "I'm basically a single mom" bc I know I'm not, but I have the routine down. Like I say to my DH, it's not that I CAN'T do it. I do it solo all the time. I got through the first two years by pretending I was a single mom, so that I was never counting on DH, so I could never be let down. It's not that I cannot do the morning, and not take lunch, and do the evening pick up and dinner and clean up. It's that I feel resentment about it when I'm rushing and he's doing...honestly I don't even know...downstairs.

I have 7 pairs of the same pants. I have 14 pairs of socks and underwear, I have 14 professional blouses. I keep suit jackets at work. I know how to do routine.

OP, are you one of those women who doesn't think her husband can do anything right because he doesn't do it the way you do it? That's the vibe I get from your last comment, about assuming you'd be let down. Maybe that's why he won't show initiative in caring for the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I DONT WAKE UP AT 7:30am. I LEAVE THE HOUSE AT 7:30 am. How could I wake up at 7:30 and have an 8:05 start time? (Which I agree is so insanely stupid and offensive that I had to get a MEMO for, but my boss/job are great in most every other way)

My DH also travels a lot, and he is gone his fair share over weekends, and I need to be really clear. He's NOT deployed. He has a desk job, he is not in harm's way. We are both well educated, and we both have reasonably important jobs. His life is not harder than mine, his personal time is not more valuable. I made a choice to marry into the Army, but he made a choice to be in the Army, and have a child with a professional woman. I'm literally asking that he does maybe 10-12 minutes of help in the morning with OUR child.

I was a single mom from the start and did pick up and drop off myself.

With the incredibly short time frames you have in the morning, it's better if only one of you does the prep work. Adding in your DH will only prolong not shorten the situation.

Get yourself completely ready for the day before you walk into your child's room.

Potty first thing.

If you want to give your DS a choice in clothing, do that the night before. Otherwise, just pick out something and put it on.

For socks and shoes, he does whichever one he can do quicker and you do the other. Or put on his socks and then hand him his shoes in the car to put on. He has until you get to daycare to do it and if not you will put them on.

I could easily get out the door in 15-20 minutes which included taking care of 2 dogs when my child was 2. It's just a matter of routine.

Pick up and evenings - since there is more time, that's a better place to get DH's involvement and for you to slow down and catch a break.

I appreciate the advice and won't insult you by saying "I'm basically a single mom" bc I know I'm not, but I have the routine down. Like I say to my DH, it's not that I CAN'T do it. I do it solo all the time. I got through the first two years by pretending I was a single mom, so that I was never counting on DH, so I could never be let down. It's not that I cannot do the morning, and not take lunch, and do the evening pick up and dinner and clean up. It's that I feel resentment about it when I'm rushing and he's doing...honestly I don't even know...downstairs.

I have 7 pairs of the same pants. I have 14 pairs of socks and underwear, I have 14 professional blouses. I keep suit jackets at work. I know how to do routine.

OP, are you one of those women who doesn't think her husband can do anything right because he doesn't do it the way you do it? That's the vibe I get from your last comment, about assuming you'd be let down. Maybe that's why he won't show initiative in caring for the kid.

No, I mean if he says he's going to be in town for something or attend something and he can't make it or he is too tired. I used to get my hopes up and be frustrated when it fell through. Now I have no expectation that he will do something, so if he can't make it it is nbd, and if he can make it, great

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I DONT WAKE UP AT 7:30am. I LEAVE THE HOUSE AT 7:30 am. How could I wake up at 7:30 and have an 8:05 start time? (Which I agree is so insanely stupid and offensive that I had to get a MEMO for, but my boss/job are great in most every other way)

My DH also travels a lot, and he is gone his fair share over weekends, and I need to be really clear. He's NOT deployed. He has a desk job, he is not in harm's way. We are both well educated, and we both have reasonably important jobs. His life is not harder than mine, his personal time is not more valuable. I made a choice to marry into the Army, but he made a choice to be in the Army, and have a child with a professional woman. I'm literally asking that he does maybe 10-12 minutes of help in the morning with OUR child.

I was a single mom from the start and did pick up and drop off myself.

With the incredibly short time frames you have in the morning, it's better if only one of you does the prep work. Adding in your DH will only prolong not shorten the situation.

Get yourself completely ready for the day before you walk into your child's room.

Potty first thing.

If you want to give your DS a choice in clothing, do that the night before. Otherwise, just pick out something and put it on.

For socks and shoes, he does whichever one he can do quicker and you do the other. Or put on his socks and then hand him his shoes in the car to put on. He has until you get to daycare to do it and if not you will put them on.

I could easily get out the door in 15-20 minutes which included taking care of 2 dogs when my child was 2. It's just a matter of routine.

Pick up and evenings - since there is more time, that's a better place to get DH's involvement and for you to slow down and catch a break.

I appreciate the advice and won't insult you by saying "I'm basically a single mom" bc I know I'm not, but I have the routine down. Like I say to my DH, it's not that I CAN'T do it. I do it solo all the time. I got through the first two years by pretending I was a single mom, so that I was never counting on DH, so I could never be let down. It's not that I cannot do the morning, and not take lunch, and do the evening pick up and dinner and clean up. It's that I feel resentment about it when I'm rushing and he's doing...honestly I don't even know...downstairs.

I have 7 pairs of the same pants. I have 14 pairs of socks and underwear, I have 14 professional blouses. I keep suit jackets at work. I know how to do routine.

OP, are you one of those women who doesn't think her husband can do anything right because he doesn't do it the way you do it? That's the vibe I get from your last comment, about assuming you'd be let down. Maybe that's why he won't show initiative in caring for the kid.

Or maybe he's selfish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I DONT WAKE UP AT 7:30am. I LEAVE THE HOUSE AT 7:30 am. How could I wake up at 7:30 and have an 8:05 start time? (Which I agree is so insanely stupid and offensive that I had to get a MEMO for, but my boss/job are great in most every other way)

My DH also travels a lot, and he is gone his fair share over weekends, and I need to be really clear. He's NOT deployed. He has a desk job, he is not in harm's way. We are both well educated, and we both have reasonably important jobs. His life is not harder than mine, his personal time is not more valuable. I made a choice to marry into the Army, but he made a choice to be in the Army, and have a child with a professional woman. I'm literally asking that he does maybe 10-12 minutes of help in the morning with OUR child.

I was a single mom from the start and did pick up and drop off myself.

With the incredibly short time frames you have in the morning, it's better if only one of you does the prep work. Adding in your DH will only prolong not shorten the situation.

Get yourself completely ready for the day before you walk into your child's room.

Potty first thing.

If you want to give your DS a choice in clothing, do that the night before. Otherwise, just pick out something and put it on.

For socks and shoes, he does whichever one he can do quicker and you do the other. Or put on his socks and then hand him his shoes in the car to put on. He has until you get to daycare to do it and if not you will put them on.

I could easily get out the door in 15-20 minutes which included taking care of 2 dogs when my child was 2. It's just a matter of routine.

Pick up and evenings - since there is more time, that's a better place to get DH's involvement and for you to slow down and catch a break.

I appreciate the advice and won't insult you by saying "I'm basically a single mom" bc I know I'm not, but I have the routine down. Like I say to my DH, it's not that I CAN'T do it. I do it solo all the time. I got through the first two years by pretending I was a single mom, so that I was never counting on DH, so I could never be let down. It's not that I cannot do the morning, and not take lunch, and do the evening pick up and dinner and clean up. It's that I feel resentment about it when I'm rushing and he's doing...honestly I don't even know...downstairs.

I have 7 pairs of the same pants. I have 14 pairs of socks and underwear, I have 14 professional blouses. I keep suit jackets at work. I know how to do routine.

OP, are you one of those women who doesn't think her husband can do anything right because he doesn't do it the way you do it? That's the vibe I get from your last comment, about assuming you'd be let down. Maybe that's why he won't show initiative in caring for the kid.

No, I mean if he says he's going to be in town for something or attend something and he can't make it or he is too tired. I used to get my hopes up and be frustrated when it fell through. Now I have no expectation that he will do something, so if he can't make it it is nbd, and if he can make it, great

I wonder if that mindset isn't taking a bit of a toll on you, your marriage...when do you get breaks, OP? Do have some reliable support, if your DH can't be that? Does your DH appreciate how you adapt to support his career and keep the family going?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're both working hard.

I, personally, would not find that intermittent help helpful. I wouldn't know if I could count on him being home in time enough to help, so I'd already be planning to do it all. Are you sure that 1-3 days a week of him putting the shoes on the kid would fix your resentment? Or would you still be frustrated because you're feeling rushed and stressed in the morning and never know when he's going to be able to help or how much he'll be able to help?

I'm with the others - wake up 15 minutes earlier to give yourself that extra time.

I'm also fairly sure, given your description that he does help in other ways, that there are times when you're doing the equivalent of smoking a cigarette while he's handling childcare or household work. Neither of you sound lazy.

[Anonymous]

OP, why don't you get up just 15 minutes earlier and accept that childcare will fall on you solely during the rush of getting people ready for work/daycare? But, make your husband responsible for everything else- laying out your kid's clothes for the next day, making lunches, packing bags, etc, so that "all" you have to do when you wake up is get yourself ready and your child dressed (with clothes picked out by your husband) and fed (possibly with breakfast prepped by your husband).

I hear you in that seeing your husband smoke and look at his phone while you're rushing around leads to resentment; I know that even him helping for 5 mins would bring relief to you. But it doesn't sound like he's going to change so maybe you just had to resign yourself to deal with accepting things the way they are for your own sanity.

It doesn't seem like anyone has suggested this yet, but why don't you also wake your son up 15 mins earlier?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If his duty day starts at 5:45, then he should easily be home by 4-4:30, so the post makes no sense. I don't know anyone who went home after PT vs. showering at the gym.

Do you know anyone in the military?

Military regularly work 12+ hour days, longer if they are working at tye base level.

Your post makes no sense.

Yes, many. Most of our friends are military and my husband is a retiree (you know, the one who served 20+ years with a pension and full benefits).