Pick up drop off fight with DH.
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Anonymous
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DH is military and has to wake up at 5:45am to get to PT. He gets home between 7:15 and 7:30 am, showers, dresses, and leaves the house around 8 to arrive to work at 8:30. In the meantime, I wake up, get our 2 yo son up, and leave the house at 7:30 in order to do daycare drop off and be at work by 8:05 sharp. I leave at 5:05 pm and do pickup. I agreed to do dropoff and pickup, as long as DH would help get DS ready in the morning. The problem is DH never helps. He gets home and takes care of himself. I called him out on it and he said "I promised I'd help WHEN I CAN". I took that to mean, when he's back from PT in time. I guess he takes it to mean when he is not rushed to get to work.
I feel squeezed on all sides. I already had to get a written agreement from my boss to come in at 8:05 instead of 8:00. And there are many times I would like to stay late, but I can't. This means, I often work through lunch so I can get out on time. Meanwhile my husband will call me at work and ask to take me out to lunch! I told DH I was feeling squeezed and pressured, and I'm getting flack from my boss. His solution is I need to wake up earlier. He's correct that this would solve things, but I feel like I am making all the compromises here. DH comes home after me, and I've already fed our son and cleaned the kitchen. I'm ok with that because he will cook for us or pick up take out. It's just in the morning I feel it is unfair that he owns his time while I share my time with our kid. I feel we should both do it. I finally told him that if he is in the house while I am in the house in the morning and not helping to get DS ready, I'm going to leave and he can take DS to school. Of course now we are pissed off at each other. Anyone have any advice? |
Anonymous
| What do you exepect him to do for the 30 minutes he is back home? It seems like all he has time to do is shower and get dressed. He wakes up at 5:45 to start his day. You get up at 7:30. Adjust your time and wake up earlier. No excuse getting to work late. Just get up early! Daycare is open by then |
Anonymous
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I think it depends on how much he helps out when he is home. Things should be 50/50 or close to it, but not every step has to be 50/50 if that makes sense. If he were waking up at 7 and getting himself ready and leaving then I would be more annoyed at him, but getting up early to do PT (which is part of his job, right?) means he's already at work and it's only that he's home to shower that he could even help out.
The lunch thing does suck, but why don't you ask him to do some things at lunch that you can't? Like pay bills or pick up dry cleaning or look up summer camps. At night before you all go to bed, you both can pack lunches, grind coffee beans, make sure the kid has what he needs for daycare, etc so that everyone's morning goes smoother. |
Anonymous
No, I leave the house at 7:30. If he gets home at 7:15, I expect him to do a few of the following activities- change DS, take DS to potty, brush DS teeth, get DS dressed, help DS put on socks and shoes, help DS put on coat, load DS into car. |
Anonymous
But why can't you wake up earlier to do those things? Those things aren't slowing you down.... takes all of ten minutes to put on potty, brush teeth and throw on clothes.. |
Anonymous
Is he playing on his phone during the time he gets home? Video games? Or is he using the time to get ready? 30-45 minutes is not a ton of time to make breakfast, eat, shave, shower, get dressed. |
Anonymous
It does take more than ten min, but not that much more time. If it's just a few minutes of effort, why can't he help me? He's often out back smoking (after running, lol) while I'm rushing. |
Anonymous
I don't know what he's doing, because I'm upstairs and he waits until I am out the door to get ready. I assume smoking and checking his phone. We don't eat breakfast at home. |
Anonymous
I would be honest that you won't be able to keep this job of you can't get some flexibility either to get in much earlier or stay late. Say something like "Since PT is part of your job and even though you come home to shower and get ready for work, I should really treat it as continous on the clock - like you leave 5:45am and return 6:00pm - we need to find a solution to fit that reality and it can't be me doing everything dropoff and pick-up related and working full-time at an inflexible job. Let's find a solution together, do we change to an in-home day care closer to the house and get a mother's helper to help our son get ready in the morning so I can leave for work before you get back from PT, do we look into an au pair, do we change to a daycare closer to your job so you can do the drop off? Is PT available at your job so you can leave earlier and do pickup? I'm open to any suggestion that would reduce the work I'm doing getting out in the morning or that would allow me to stay later for work in the evening." |
Anonymous
| I'm an Army wife and it never ceases to amaze me the women who get into this not thinking of what it means long-term. The time between PT and work is not free time. I'm surprised he hasn't started getting ready on post rather than coming home where you nag and bitch. Military spouses are the ones who have to compromise because the military does not. Find a daycare with more suitable hours (7am-7pm or something similar). Find a more flexible job. I work 50-60 hours a week, but I changed jobs and negotiated contracts until I was able to build the flexibility we needed. Good luck if you have any deployments leaving you a single parent for a year. |
Anonymous
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What kind of job do you have where you need a written agreement to arrive at 805 instead of 800?!
That alone would be a deal breaker. I'm used to being a professional who gets my work done without anyone hovering or micromanaging me. |
Anonymous
Are you crazy? Why should she wake up earlier to do things that he is there to potentially help with? I would be pissed. |
Anonymous
| If you need a written agreement to start 5 min late, why would you even want to stay late? |
Anonymous
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So he's been up working since 5:45am and has 0-15 minutes of overlap with you and the kid, and you expect him to do basically get your kid ready to go in that 0-15 minute overlap? I agree you need to wake up earlier. He could easily just wait until you've left at 7:30 to come back from PT if he wanted to, which he'll probably start doing if you keep nagging. Pick your battles. You take morning, let him take some other responsibility that's his, like bath time or book reading before bed.
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Anonymous
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As a mom of two little kids, I totally understand where you're coming from. Having to do both drop off and pick up sucks. Our old daycare was only open from 8-6, and I was doing both drop off and pick up on top of a 45 minute commute each way. I was always always late for work and was always the first to leave at the end of the day. It was untenable. We had to switch daycares, and this one is across the street from DH's job and is open from 7-6:30, so now he does both drop off and pick up. But he's not rushed because the hours are better and he can take them whenever he wants within that time frame. I now leave for work at 6, so DH is doing all the morning routine, but I'm home early now and do all the cleaning in the afternoon plus making dinner.
As for your husband smoking and playing on his phone while you're rushing in the morning, I would be pissed too. If he's at home, he needs to help. I would tell him you're getting resentful that he's not even pretending to help, and is actively avoiding helping you. What a slacker. |