Pay for lessons that go nowhere?

[Anonymous]

Take his to Dr. to evaluate his anxiety. It sounds severe and that would be the first things I would address. If he won't even do group tennis lessons, how is he fitting in school setting?

[Anonymous]

I think horses are a wonderful thing. Of course, I am biased because I've been riding since I was little and still have several horses I ride as often as I can.

I competed when I was a kid but don't compete much any more. I still *LOVE* it. all my friends in other sports, like gymnastics, football, baseball, soccer? They don't ever play those sports and many haven't touched them again since the last game was over. I think I chose a much better sport for lifelong health and enjoyment. I have friends still jumping around courses at over 70. The Olympic Gold Medalist in show jumping this year was 58! And I still learn and improve.

Lots of riders don't enjoy competition and that is just fine. it's still valuable. I would see if you can extend his time at the barn and see if he can start to help with some of the horse care, etc. He might really enjoy the barn management side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a child, not an investment. The 'payoff' is that you get to raise a great kid and spend time with the kid doing things that he loves. You hopefully have some nice memories of spending time together.
Most of us have spent a lot of time at swim meets and our kids aren't going to the Olympics. I spent a lot of time making my kids practice the piano, and no one is going to Carnegie Hall.
I am just happy to have the money and time to be able to give my kids these experiences. We enjoy being the kid of family that is active and creative. That is the only pay off.
Maybe the OP needs to get together with the poster who refers to some colleges as 'third tier shitholes' or whatever the phrase is, because they both seem to be missing the point. It's a privilege to raise kids, to be able to give them things, and to be able to enjoy having a family life. They're not race horses, they're children. If you wanted race horses, you should have purchased race horses.

Aren't these two phrases contradictory: "I spent a lot of time making my kids practice the piano" vs. "It's a privilege to raise kids, to be able to give them things, and to be able to enjoy having a family life."

I don't force my kids to practice anything. Maybe I should, but that seemed to undermine my value in being "able to enjoy having a family life". Am I missing something? See I would love to force my kids to practice an instrument as I love to hear them play, but it seemed like forcing them was just causing strife so I didn't do it.

[Anonymous]

TO the poster above, I could write a book on this -- and actually Amy Chua did. I really identified with her book because she was kind of caught -- the kid didn't really love music but the kid was also smart and talented.
We did Suzuki music lessons, as did Amy Chua, and as much as possible I tried to make the music practicing fun, and ultimately the kids who didn't like music did get to stop taking lessons. I guess ideally you spend time with kids practicing skills but you can't get caught up in the idea that the kid needs to be the best or to beat the other kids doing the activity. And yeah, if they hate it, I think you let them stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TO the poster above, I could write a book on this -- and actually Amy Chua did. I really identified with her book because she was kind of caught -- the kid didn't really love music but the kid was also smart and talented.
We did Suzuki music lessons, as did Amy Chua, and as much as possible I tried to make the music practicing fun, and ultimately the kids who didn't like music did get to stop taking lessons. I guess ideally you spend time with kids practicing skills but you can't get caught up in the idea that the kid needs to be the best or to beat the other kids doing the activity. And yeah, if they hate it, I think you let them stop.

I keep instruments around the house and every once in awhile they will pick one up and start playing and I encourage them. It's difficult because I think they have such talent that maybe I'm really falling down on my job as a parent by not forcing them to practice. Instead I just enjoy the moments and hope that someday they will start practicing on their own. I try to set a good example by practicing myself. I'm sure your kids are far better musicians and they will love you for your expectations, but "Tiger Mom" I just am not. Would life be dull if we all parented the same?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a child, not an investment. The 'payoff' is that you get to raise a great kid and spend time with the kid doing things that he loves. You hopefully have some nice memories of spending time together.
Most of us have spent a lot of time at swim meets and our kids aren't going to the Olympics. I spent a lot of time making my kids practice the piano, and no one is going to Carnegie Hall.
I am just happy to have the money and time to be able to give my kids these experiences. We enjoy being the kid of family that is active and creative. That is the only pay off.
Maybe the OP needs to get together with the poster who refers to some colleges as 'third tier shitholes' or whatever the phrase is, because they both seem to be missing the point. It's a privilege to raise kids, to be able to give them things, and to be able to enjoy having a family life. They're not race horses, they're children. If you wanted race horses, you should have purchased race horses.

Aren't these two phrases contradictory: "I spent a lot of time making my kids practice the piano" vs. "It's a privilege to raise kids, to be able to give them things, and to be able to enjoy having a family life."

I don't force my kids to practice anything. Maybe I should, but that seemed to undermine my value in being "able to enjoy having a family life". Am I missing something? See I would love to force my kids to practice an instrument as I love to hear them play, but it seemed like forcing them was just causing strife so I didn't do it.

Actually I have significant experience with racehorses and the biggest hidden factor in racing success is "heart" or a horse that has a desire to win. Plenty of talented, fast horses get retired because they have no real desire to win. A fast horse that is happier cantering along in the pack is not going to be competitive.

In my view kid here has proven his long-term interest in two areas, they just aren't the ones OP prefers. You can't make a racehorse be a successful racehorse if it doesn't want to run-- your best bet is to try a different sport. It might make a lovely, happy, successful jumper or trail horse or even lesson horse. The same principles apply to kids. OP needs to be happy she got a kid who has proven interest in some very solid hobbies and enjoy her kid for who he is. And support him in his non-competitive but still eminently respectable endeavors.

A man that loves riding horses, in competition or not, is a rare and valuable asset. Nurture that!

[Anonymous]

I have a DS16 that sounds like your DS. I can't get DS to do much at this point except to take a weekly class at the gym. It is hard engaging in conversations with parents who have kids the same age who are year round athletes. It seems that most kids are very involved in some sort of athletic or arts activities that dominate most of their free time.

For years I have just felt like my son is different, well, he is different. I have accepted that. It is still hard to hear about my friends kids and their interests and friends and accomplishments.

[Anonymous]

Hey, it's not rare for boys to be uncompetetive. Just read the responses to this thread and many others - there are loads of boys like this. Nothing wrong there. I have one of these too. My goal is to keep him moving and healthy. We go on hikes a lot. He does swimming once a week but has always refused to be on swim team. OP, if you play tennis, why don't you just go and play with your son? If you don't, how about learning? Explore everything that's out there - track, volleyball, rock climbing etc. Some gyms have fitness classes for kids. This country is hyper-focused on team sports. You don't have to conform and try to change your son.

[Anonymous]

our 12 year old plays rec league soccer, and just started Track. But we're not interested in the competition part of either. Also like the idea of hiking often.

[Anonymous]

I was forced to be on the tennis team growing up and I couldn't have hated it more. Maybe if I wasn't, I would enjoy playing as an adult. Let him have fun and learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you talking about a show horse or your child? Do you exercise to run marathons or compete in Olympic trials? It can be a passion or hobby without requiring him to win a gold medal. You sound horrible. I'm sure your son will have the same dilemma when deciding on your medical care in old age since you will inevitably die. Best not to have his adult income go nowhere.

Well someone didn't take their medication today.

I agree with the poster you dismissed. There isn't ultimately a "point" to anything, since we're all going to die. The next best thing is to try to help others. After that, live and let live. Forcing a child to compete is a fruitless endeavor, and is quite different from providing a child with opportunities to try new things and potentially develop lifelong hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Competing isn't the point. It seems this kid doesn't socialize with his peers.

Is that it, Op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a child, not an investment. The 'payoff' is that you get to raise a great kid and spend time with the kid doing things that he loves. You hopefully have some nice memories of spending time together.
Most of us have spent a lot of time at swim meets and our kids aren't going to the Olympics. I spent a lot of time making my kids practice the piano, and no one is going to Carnegie Hall.
I am just happy to have the money and time to be able to give my kids these experiences. We enjoy being the kid of family that is active and creative. That is the only pay off.
Maybe the OP needs to get together with the poster who refers to some colleges as 'third tier shitholes' or whatever the phrase is, because they both seem to be missing the point. It's a privilege to raise kids, to be able to give them things, and to be able to enjoy having a family life. They're not race horses, they're children. If you wanted race horses, you should have purchased race horses.

Aren't these two phrases contradictory: "I spent a lot of time making my kids practice the piano" vs. "It's a privilege to raise kids, to be able to give them things, and to be able to enjoy having a family life."

I don't force my kids to practice anything. Maybe I should, but that seemed to undermine my value in being "able to enjoy having a family life". Am I missing something? See I would love to force my kids to practice an instrument as I love to hear them play, but it seemed like forcing them was just causing strife so I didn't do it.

Actually I have significant experience with racehorses and the biggest hidden factor in racing success is "heart" or a horse that has a desire to win. Plenty of talented, fast horses get retired because they have no real desire to win. A fast horse that is happier cantering along in the pack is not going to be competitive.

In my view kid here has proven his long-term interest in two areas, they just aren't the ones OP prefers. You can't make a racehorse be a successful racehorse if it doesn't want to run-- your best bet is to try a different sport. It might make a lovely, happy, successful jumper or trail horse or even lesson horse. The same principles apply to kids. OP needs to be happy she got a kid who has proven interest in some very solid hobbies and enjoy her kid for who he is. And support him in his non-competitive but still eminently respectable endeavors.

A man that loves riding horses, in competition or not, is a rare and valuable asset. Nurture that!

NP here to tell the PP that I know nothing about horses but I love your analogy. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Depends on how much we pay for lessons: DS has three activities and for two of them, we pay for lessons because he enjoys the activity. Don't much care as long as he has fun and the lessons are not expensive because they are strictly amateur level coaching.

For his third activity, DS is nationally ranked for his age in the top 100. For the amount of money we spend on coaching and travel for competitions, we expect him to work hard and try his best. After a certain level, it becomes more than "just a hobby".