Pay for lessons that go nowhere?

[Anonymous]

The idea that kids are supposed to have a passion is so pernicious. They have so little experience of the wider world. Most people I know who have a true passion in life developed it in college or even later, when they had been exposed to more and more varied people, places, ideas, and options. OP's kid is at the age where he should be trying new things to see what he likes, to take some chances on activities that might not pan out, to explore.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/04/08/our-push-for-passion-and-why-it-harms-kids/?_r=0

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The idea that kids are supposed to have a passion is so pernicious. They have so little experience of the wider world. Most people I know who have a true passion in life developed it in college or even later, when they had been exposed to more and more varied people, places, ideas, and options. OP's kid is at the age where he should be trying new things to see what he likes, to take some chances on activities that might not pan out, to explore.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/04/08/our-push-for-passion-and-why-it-harms-kids/?_r=0

Here Here! I had a relative who is an admissions counselor explain the importance of a "passion" to my elementary school kids and thought she was nutso!

[Anonymous]

I'm glad I found your thread. My younger son is just like yours. I also have an older son who loves one sport and playing a musical instrument. Unless you have one of each, other parents just don't understand. Older son is competitive and fits so easily into the sports scene. He truly loves it.

What I've done for our younger son is say, ok, I understand that you don't want to be on a team or compete, but you need to learn the basics of how to play some common sports so that you can play in the neighborhood or someone's house just for fun if it comes up. So I had DS take basic lessons in sports like soccer and basketball and tennis but those lessons didn't involve being on a team or playing against other teams. I also had him try a musical instrument. He doesn't love any of these, but at least he tried them all once and now knows the basics. He does now sometimes play one on one basketball or tennis or swimming just with friends.

[Anonymous]

What about no cut school sports? Having someone else be the coach, like a teacher he knows, might be something he's interested in. Especially if it's a great teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about no cut school sports? Having someone else be the coach, like a teacher he knows, might be something he's interested in. Especially if it's a great teacher.

My son did this with cross country. Socially it was great, but the truth was, he just didn't like the running and wasn't very good. It was a huge time commitment during the season. The coaches/treachers were great. The other kids were great. Everything was great except actually having to run long distances every day.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the PP.

Some kids need to have a goal or need to be told they have a goal. We just believe that every tween/teen is somehow intrinsically motivated to understand they should work towards a goal and it's the exception of kids who do that innately.

So, if I was OP, I would come up with some goals, like get to a certain level and this can be accomplished via testing or competition. I also don't see any issue with telling a kid they have to be in a competition. It doesn't mean they have to win, it doesn't mean it's the end game, but I think for kids who shy away from competition, it gives the a bolster of confidence to see from an impartial third party that yeah, they can do something and to it well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the PP.

Some kids need to have a goal or need to be told they have a goal. We just believe that every tween/teen is somehow intrinsically motivated to understand they should work towards a goal and it's the exception of kids who do that innately.

So, if I was OP, I would come up with some goals, like get to a certain level and this can be accomplished via testing or competition. I also don't see any issue with telling a kid they have to be in a competition. It doesn't mean they have to win, it doesn't mean it's the end game, but I think for kids who shy away from competition, it gives the a bolster of confidence to see from an impartial third party that yeah, they can do something and to it well.

But why? Why does the kid need to have a goal in a recreational activity? Why can't it just be for fun? As long as the kid isn't slacking off at lessons and enjoys the activity, why does *that* have to be the competition? Why can't the goal just be continued improvement? And the kid can focus his energy on school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean these activities don't lead anywhere?

Nothing my child does for fun is "leading anywhere."

He won't play professional squash.

He won't play D1 soccer.

He definitely won't make it to Carnegie Hall.

When he's 40, he'll still be able to play in a pick up game in two of these things, and amuse himself making music.

All that said, a lesson without games isn't really playing tennis. I don't know how your tennis club works, but where my kid plays squash there are clinics one day a week so that the kids have a chance to play each other. My kid refuses to do tournaments, but he's happy to play against kids in the club.

slightly o/t but would he really still do them if you're the one "suggesting" these activities and he never asked for doing any of them? i'm asking because my son's doing the same activities but i think mostly because we signed him up, and if it're up to him he'd rather play video games or read all day. i wonder sometimes if he's doing those for us or himself, and if it's the latter he's not likely to continue into his 40s... heck might not even into HS. (btw i'm PP with the 12.5-yo no-passion son ).

To me, it doesn't matter that much. It's not acceptable to me that my kids play video games all day, and TBH I don't want them to spend all their time reading, either. Exercise/activity is important.

[Anonymous]

Are you talking about a show horse or your child? Do you exercise to run marathons or compete in Olympic trials? It can be a passion or hobby without requiring him to win a gold medal. You sound horrible. I'm sure your son will have the same dilemma when deciding on your medical care in old age since you will inevitably die. Best not to have his adult income go nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you talking about a show horse or your child? Do you exercise to run marathons or compete in Olympic trials? It can be a passion or hobby without requiring him to win a gold medal. You sound horrible. I'm sure your son will have the same dilemma when deciding on your medical care in old age since you will inevitably die. Best not to have his adult income go nowhere.

Well someone didn't take their medication today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tennis and horse riding are both lifelong sports/activities. Maybe view it as an investment in his long-term interests. In other words, you are paying money now to help him to develop skills/cultivate a passion that will benefit him as an adult. I would keep paying (so long as you can reasonably afford it) under this mindset.

+1. The obsessive, ultra-competitive youth sports mindset can lead to burnout and unhappiness. Be glad your kid isn't into that.

This. It's not like the competitive leagues really lead anywhere either. Step back and think of what your underlying goal for your child really is. I hope your goal is not to shoehorn your child into competitions when they have no desire to do that.

Not that many adults do competitive sports. They do them for fun and exercise and stress relief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tennis and horse riding are both lifelong sports/activities. Maybe view it as an investment in his long-term interests. In other words, you are paying money now to help him to develop skills/cultivate a passion that will benefit him as an adult. I would keep paying (so long as you can reasonably afford it) under this mindset.

+1. The obsessive, ultra-competitive youth sports mindset can lead to burnout and unhappiness. Be glad your kid isn't into that.

I have to agree with this. These activities willl help keep him balanced and physically active. That's all he really needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tennis and horse riding are both lifelong sports/activities. Maybe view it as an investment in his long-term interests. In other words, you are paying money now to help him to develop skills/cultivate a passion that will benefit him as an adult. I would keep paying (so long as you can reasonably afford it) under this mindset.

EXACTLY!!! I'd be so much happier with a kid choosing lifelong pursuits than, say, shelling out $1600/season for ICE HOCKEY.

Ice hockey is a lifelong pursuit (or at least for a good long while). There are plenty of opportunities for people well into early middle age.

Perhaps. But given the choice I'd rather hang out at the club after tennis or golf than hanging around an ice rink at 10 pm because you can't get ice time.

Plus being a hockey parent absolutely sucks. It's such a waste of money and time I can't justify it

[Anonymous]

He doesn't need lessons to do anything. What he needs to do is make friends in the neighborhood and get involved in after school and weekend activities with them whatever that might be. Basketball at the nearest park or school, riding bikes, and group activities.

The last thing he needs is one on one lessons with an adult which will draw him further away from his own age group.

[Anonymous]

OP i think you have a bad attitude about this. maybe the activity is the benefit, not the competition/award. let the kid enjoy activities without competition if competition makes him uncomfortable.