Pay for lessons that go nowhere?

[Anonymous]

My 13 DS is highly anxious and shies away from competitive situations. He's a quirky kids who hates team activities and so we've steered him towards more individual pursuits. He takes tennis lessons twice a week and a private horse riding lesson on weekends, but absolutely refuses to join a tennis team and is not interested in any type of horse competition. I would say he doesn't even love tennis, but he dislikes sports in general and so we are happy he at least gets a little exercise each week. It's just incredibly frustrating to feel like we are paying money that's not really going towards anything since there is no end result that he is working towards. Since there's no end result, he doesn't really have much motivation to work hard and improve.

Should we just accept that he at least somewhat enjoys tennis and horses, even if they aren't going anywhere, and pay for them as long as our budget allows it? Maybe I'm just a bit disappointed that he isn't a cookie cutter soccer/baseball/lacrosse kid who joins a team and plays games, which is sort of an end result. I think I just need to get over it, but it's not so easy for me.

Appreciate any HELPFUL thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Did you try to work out what his passion might be? Maybe it's not tennis and horses, but computer coding and playing the tuba. Or maybe it's diving. Or learning a foreign language. Or photography. I would say keep signing him up for different activities, and see if any of them "stick". We are in this place with DD who is ambivalent about most things we had her try, but seems to like martial arts and is motivated go get to the black belt level. She is (very slowly) getting there, so that's what we are doing right now. Maybe he just hasn't found his thing yet - which is OK. Just keep experimenting, but if he is lackluster about what he is doing now, I would expose him to other things to see if he finds something he really likes doing.

[Anonymous]

Tennis and horse riding are both lifelong sports/activities. Maybe view it as an investment in his long-term interests. In other words, you are paying money now to help him to develop skills/cultivate a passion that will benefit him as an adult. I would keep paying (so long as you can reasonably afford it) under this mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you try to work out what his passion might be? Maybe it's not tennis and horses, but computer coding and playing the tuba. Or maybe it's diving. Or learning a foreign language. Or photography. I would say keep signing him up for different activities, and see if any of them "stick". We are in this place with DD who is ambivalent about most things we had her try, but seems to like martial arts and is motivated go get to the black belt level. She is (very slowly) getting there, so that's what we are doing right now. Maybe he just hasn't found his thing yet - which is OK. Just keep experimenting, but if he is lackluster about what he is doing now, I would expose him to other things to see if he finds something he really likes doing.

Thanks and good thoughts. Sometimes it just seems like many of his friends already have it figured out and are on competitive soccer/baseball/lacrosse teams or are hard core into an instrument or something else. I guess I thought DS would have more of a focus and desire by now.

[Anonymous]

My parents paid for riding lessons when I was a kid. I was also not into team sports. By the time I got to college I was a bit more confident so I joined the college equestrian team and did very well.

The show circuit kind of sucks. You don't need to do it to enjoy horseback riding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tennis and horse riding are both lifelong sports/activities. Maybe view it as an investment in his long-term interests. In other words, you are paying money now to help him to develop skills/cultivate a passion that will benefit him as an adult. I would keep paying (so long as you can reasonably afford it) under this mindset.

+1. The obsessive, ultra-competitive youth sports mindset can lead to burnout and unhappiness. Be glad your kid isn't into that.

[Anonymous]

Change your perspective on what the end result actually is. He is getting exercise and that is very important. While getting exercise he is not totally alone and not spend all of his time on screens. Those are also good goals and are developing some level of social skills and confidence even if you don't feel like you are seeing the returns in real time. It is happening. Even if he never becomes great at these things, he is learning a skill that he can continue for a lifetime and may choose later in life to up his skill level if his interests change (can't say the same for most team sports). And if you are worried about college resume building, he can still put these activities down as his long term hobbies even if he never won an award or anything. It still shows a diversity of interests and keeping a schedule beyond academics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you try to work out what his passion might be? Maybe it's not tennis and horses, but computer coding and playing the tuba. Or maybe it's diving. Or learning a foreign language. Or photography. I would say keep signing him up for different activities, and see if any of them "stick". We are in this place with DD who is ambivalent about most things we had her try, but seems to like martial arts and is motivated go get to the black belt level. She is (very slowly) getting there, so that's what we are doing right now. Maybe he just hasn't found his thing yet - which is OK. Just keep experimenting, but if he is lackluster about what he is doing now, I would expose him to other things to see if he finds something he really likes doing.

Thanks and good thoughts. Sometimes it just seems like many of his friends already have it figured out and are on competitive soccer/baseball/lacrosse teams or are hard core into an instrument or something else. I guess I thought DS would have more of a focus and desire by now.

my 12.5-yo DS hasn't either, so you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Life is a journey, not a destination.

I'd focus less on what "end result" an activity might have (maybe he'll go to the Olympics, or get a sports scholarship) and more on what it's doing for him right now.

He gets exercise from the tennis. He's learning a sport that he might choose to do at any point of his life. (I have a late-60s friend who is just now having to cut back on tennis because of knee problems.)

What is he getting out of the horseback riding? Is he less anxious afterward? Does he have more confidence from controlling an animal larger than himself? Is he learning to be in tune with another creature outside himself?

I personally have a highly anxious kid, and while not every activity has to be therapeutic, I definitely pay attention to the benefits they might have. If the activity is making my kid--and us--less happy, we won't keep it up. If the activity is helping in some ways, we support it. Some of them may even lead to trophies and prizes, who knows? But that's not what motivates my kid, nor why we pay for the activities.

[Anonymous]

You are paying for someone to play with him. You are paying for him to have companionship. Is that necessary? I don't know, you tell us. Is there something wrong with him? Otherwise, no - - I think paying to introduce a kid to various skills is important, but with so much offered at school, I would insist he get involved with something at school. Easier for you, easier on your wallet, and much better for his social development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 DS is highly anxious and shies away from competitive situations. He's a quirky kids who hates team activities and so we've steered him towards more individual pursuits. He takes tennis lessons twice a week and a private horse riding lesson on weekends, but absolutely refuses to join a tennis team and is not interested in any type of horse competition. I would say he doesn't even love tennis, but he dislikes sports in general and so we are happy he at least gets a little exercise each week. It's just incredibly frustrating to feel like we are paying money that's not really going towards anything since there is no end result that he is working towards. Since there's no end result, he doesn't really have much motivation to work hard and improve.

Should we just accept that he at least somewhat enjoys tennis and horses, even if they aren't going anywhere, and pay for them as long as our budget allows it? Maybe I'm just a bit disappointed that he isn't a cookie cutter soccer/baseball/lacrosse kid who joins a team and plays games, which is sort of an end result. I think I just need to get over it, but it's not so easy for me.

Appreciate any HELPFUL thoughts.

I would say if you have the money, let him play and ride. Sports and activities can be about enjoyment and exercise. I play ice hockey. I am not good at it. However, I get enjoyment from my team and from playing. I also get some exercise. Sometimes the reward is the activity itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tennis and horse riding are both lifelong sports/activities. Maybe view it as an investment in his long-term interests. In other words, you are paying money now to help him to develop skills/cultivate a passion that will benefit him as an adult. I would keep paying (so long as you can reasonably afford it) under this mindset.

This. I was a similar kind of kid and my main extracurricular interest was piano. But I absolutely hated having to memorize music and do recitals (I wouldn't have minded if I didn't need to memorize it). So around middle school this was enough of an issue for me that I wanted to quit. Instead, my teacher was fine with continuing to work with me without the recitals and I continued to happily take lessons and play a lot on my own until I finished high school. Through singing along with my own playing, I became interested in singing with a group and then joined a school choir and eventually college choir and church and community groups. I'm glad my parents were willing to pay for lessons that "weren't going anywhere" i.e. was no video of my recital to post online or award certificate to hang on the wall and I wasn't going to be a professional musician. Music became a life-long interest (I'm in my 40s and still sing in choirs) and a huge part of my college years because I was able to engage with it the way I wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 DS is highly anxious and shies away from competitive situations. He's a quirky kids who hates team activities and so we've steered him towards more individual pursuits. He takes tennis lessons twice a week and a private horse riding lesson on weekends, but absolutely refuses to join a tennis team and is not interested in any type of horse competition. I would say he doesn't even love tennis, but he dislikes sports in general and so we are happy he at least gets a little exercise each week. It's just incredibly frustrating to feel like we are paying money that's not really going towards anything since there is no end result that he is working towards. Since there's no end result, he doesn't really have much motivation to work hard and improve.

Should we just accept that he at least somewhat enjoys tennis and horses, even if they aren't going anywhere, and pay for them as long as our budget allows it? Maybe I'm just a bit disappointed that he isn't a cookie cutter soccer/baseball/lacrosse kid who joins a team and plays games, which is sort of an end result. I think I just need to get over it, but it's not so easy for me.

Appreciate any HELPFUL thoughts.

You should accept that he enjoys horses and tennis and let it go. The end result of learning something new isn't winning. It's gaining new knowledge and trying something out and pleasure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you try to work out what his passion might be? Maybe it's not tennis and horses, but computer coding and playing the tuba. Or maybe it's diving. Or learning a foreign language. Or photography. I would say keep signing him up for different activities, and see if any of them "stick". We are in this place with DD who is ambivalent about most things we had her try, but seems to like martial arts and is motivated go get to the black belt level. She is (very slowly) getting there, so that's what we are doing right now. Maybe he just hasn't found his thing yet - which is OK. Just keep experimenting, but if he is lackluster about what he is doing now, I would expose him to other things to see if he finds something he really likes doing.

Thanks and good thoughts. Sometimes it just seems like many of his friends already have it figured out and are on competitive soccer/baseball/lacrosse teams or are hard core into an instrument or something else. I guess I thought DS would have more of a focus and desire by now.

my 12.5-yo DS hasn't either, so you're not alone.

My 13 yr old doesn't either. I think we hear about those super-competitive ones more than the equally or even more common kids who don't have a 'passion' yet (I'm dubious about the whole idea that teens need a 'passion'). My DS enjoys a rec soccer team, a relaxed golf league, is trying a drama class at school, and is trying a photography class this winter. At 13 they should be trying different things and figuring out what they enjoy.

[Anonymous]

OP,

It seems incredible to me that you haven't yet figured out that:

1. Not everything has to be a competition or stratospheric level. We can all enjoy certain activities as hobbies.

2. Parents need to be reconciled to the fact that they're going to pay for certain things for their kids and unless you count the pleasure it gives them, it will be money down the drain, not an investment. The rich parents, that is. The rest of us can't afford that kind of lifestyle, but since you're paying for horse-riding and tennis I'm putting you arbitrarily into the rich (and whiny) category

3. If your kid doesn't enjoy it, pull the plug and find something he does enjoy. Rock-climbing? Archery? Pottery? Robotics League? Writing club? Video games (it builds skills for surgery, you know ) ? Think outside the box a little. Make him a list and tell him he has to pick one.