Pay for lessons that go nowhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 DS is highly anxious and shies away from competitive situations. He's a quirky kids who hates team activities and so we've steered him towards more individual pursuits. He takes tennis lessons twice a week and a private horse riding lesson on weekends, but absolutely refuses to join a tennis team and is not interested in any type of horse competition. I would say he doesn't even love tennis, but he dislikes sports in general and so we are happy he at least gets a little exercise each week. It's just incredibly frustrating to feel like we are paying money that's not really going towards anything since there is no end result that he is working towards. Since there's no end result, he doesn't really have much motivation to work hard and improve.

Should we just accept that he at least somewhat enjoys tennis and horses, even if they aren't going anywhere, and pay for them as long as our budget allows it? Maybe I'm just a bit disappointed that he isn't a cookie cutter soccer/baseball/lacrosse kid who joins a team and plays games, which is sort of an end result. I think I just need to get over it, but it's not so easy for me.

Appreciate any HELPFUL thoughts.

Yes. But as you note, you should also adjust your thinking about what the goal here is. The goal is to get some enjoyment and exercise. These things are critically important components of mental health. Seen in that light, these efforts are absolutely going somewhere--somewhere very important.

You can also think of it this way: When he's an adult, he will be accustomed to these great, life-long activities that will provide him with enjoyment and exercise.

I have one kid who enjoys playing on a team and who has relatively little interest and as a teenager gets his exercise by running (but can't be convinced to join the track or x-country teams), walking, and biking. One way isn't better than the other. Really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you try to work out what his passion might be? Maybe it's not tennis and horses, but computer coding and playing the tuba. Or maybe it's diving. Or learning a foreign language. Or photography. I would say keep signing him up for different activities, and see if any of them "stick". We are in this place with DD who is ambivalent about most things we had her try, but seems to like martial arts and is motivated go get to the black belt level. She is (very slowly) getting there, so that's what we are doing right now. Maybe he just hasn't found his thing yet - which is OK. Just keep experimenting, but if he is lackluster about what he is doing now, I would expose him to other things to see if he finds something he really likes doing.

Thanks and good thoughts. Sometimes it just seems like many of his friends already have it figured out and are on competitive soccer/baseball/lacrosse teams or are hard core into an instrument or something else. I guess I thought DS would have more of a focus and desire by now.

my 12.5-yo DS hasn't either, so you're not alone.

Few kids this age have it all figured out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are paying for someone to play with him. You are paying for him to have companionship. Is that necessary? I don't know, you tell us. Is there something wrong with him? Otherwise, no - - I think paying to introduce a kid to various skills is important, but with so much offered at school, I would insist he get involved with something at school. Easier for you, easier on your wallet, and much better for his social development.

What a bizarre thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 13 DS is highly anxious and shies away from competitive situations. He's a quirky kids who hates team activities and so we've steered him towards more individual pursuits. He takes tennis lessons twice a week and a private horse riding lesson on weekends, but absolutely refuses to join a tennis team and is not interested in any type of horse competition. I would say he doesn't even love tennis, but he dislikes sports in general and so we are happy he at least gets a little exercise each week. It's just incredibly frustrating to feel like we are paying money that's not really going towards anything since there is no end result that he is working towards. Since there's no end result, he doesn't really have much motivation to work hard and improve.

Should we just accept that he at least somewhat enjoys tennis and horses, even if they aren't going anywhere, and pay for them as long as our budget allows it? Maybe I'm just a bit disappointed that he isn't a cookie cutter soccer/baseball/lacrosse kid who joins a team and plays games, which is sort of an end result. I think I just need to get over it, but it's not so easy for me.

Appreciate any HELPFUL thoughts.

Yes. But as you note, you should also adjust your thinking about what the goal here is. The goal is to get some enjoyment and exercise. These things are critically important components of mental health. Seen in that light, these efforts are absolutely going somewhere--somewhere very important.

You can also think of it this way: When he's an adult, he will be accustomed to these great, life-long activities that will provide him with enjoyment and exercise.

I have one kid who enjoys playing on a team and who has relatively little interest and as a teenager gets his exercise by running (but can't be convinced to join the track or x-country teams), walking, and biking. One way isn't better than the other. Really.

^^sorry, that should be "I have one kid who enjoys playing on a team and another who has relatively little interest...."

[Anonymous]

Op here. I appreciate the many voices of sanity. It's so easy to get caught up in day to day crap (and worry over what everyone else "seems" to be doing) and forget the bigger picture, which is that we are trying to help DS grow into a mature and confident adult.

[Anonymous]

My 80 year old dad has a weekly tennis doubles game with a group of his "tennis buddies." He's the second youngest one in the group. He's been playing with them for over 15 years. Tennis is truly a lifetime sport.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean these activities don't lead anywhere?

Nothing my child does for fun is "leading anywhere."

He won't play professional squash.

He won't play D1 soccer.

He definitely won't make it to Carnegie Hall.

When he's 40, he'll still be able to play in a pick up game in two of these things, and amuse himself making music.

All that said, a lesson without games isn't really playing tennis. I don't know how your tennis club works, but where my kid plays squash there are clinics one day a week so that the kids have a chance to play each other. My kid refuses to do tournaments, but he's happy to play against kids in the club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you try to work out what his passion might be? Maybe it's not tennis and horses, but computer coding and playing the tuba. Or maybe it's diving. Or learning a foreign language. Or photography. I would say keep signing him up for different activities, and see if any of them "stick". We are in this place with DD who is ambivalent about most things we had her try, but seems to like martial arts and is motivated go get to the black belt level. She is (very slowly) getting there, so that's what we are doing right now. Maybe he just hasn't found his thing yet - which is OK. Just keep experimenting, but if he is lackluster about what he is doing now, I would expose him to other things to see if he finds something he really likes doing.

Thanks and good thoughts. Sometimes it just seems like many of his friends already have it figured out and are on competitive soccer/baseball/lacrosse teams or are hard core into an instrument or something else. I guess I thought DS would have more of a focus and desire by now.

.

Let me tell you about those competitive sports teams. I'm all for kids doing what makes them happy, but most of those "competitive" teams really aren't playing at that high a level. Even if it is called "travel."

Also, kids really change when they get to high school. Some get tired of the travel sports, some take up something at school they never did before. Very few have it "figured out"

[Anonymous]

Your kid doesn't have the problem. You do. And it is a perfect example of what is wrong with this area. Everything has to be a competition. My kid has to crush every other kid. If it isn't hardcore it isn't worth doing.

This is a situation where therapy FOR YOU might actually be helpful and will allow you to raise a well-adjusted happy person who will become a really fine member of society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 DS is highly anxious and shies away from competitive situations. He's a quirky kids who hates team activities and so we've steered him towards more individual pursuits. He takes tennis lessons twice a week and a private horse riding lesson on weekends, but absolutely refuses to join a tennis team and is not interested in any type of horse competition. I would say he doesn't even love tennis, but he dislikes sports in general and so we are happy he at least gets a little exercise each week. It's just incredibly frustrating to feel like we are paying money that's not really going towards anything since there is no end result that he is working towards. Since there's no end result, he doesn't really have much motivation to work hard and improve.

Should we just accept that he at least somewhat enjoys tennis and horses, even if they aren't going anywhere, and pay for them as long as our budget allows it? Maybe I'm just a bit disappointed that he isn't a cookie cutter soccer/baseball/lacrosse kid who joins a team and plays games, which is sort of an end result. I think I just need to get over it, but it's not so easy for me.

Appreciate any HELPFUL thoughts.

I think you just need to get over it, too.

[Anonymous]

He's a child, not an investment. The 'payoff' is that you get to raise a great kid and spend time with the kid doing things that he loves. You hopefully have some nice memories of spending time together.
Most of us have spent a lot of time at swim meets and our kids aren't going to the Olympics. I spent a lot of time making my kids practice the piano, and no one is going to Carnegie Hall.
I am just happy to have the money and time to be able to give my kids these experiences. We enjoy being the kid of family that is active and creative. That is the only pay off.
Maybe the OP needs to get together with the poster who refers to some colleges as 'third tier shitholes' or whatever the phrase is, because they both seem to be missing the point. It's a privilege to raise kids, to be able to give them things, and to be able to enjoy having a family life. They're not race horses, they're children. If you wanted race horses, you should have purchased race horses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tennis and horse riding are both lifelong sports/activities. Maybe view it as an investment in his long-term interests. In other words, you are paying money now to help him to develop skills/cultivate a passion that will benefit him as an adult. I would keep paying (so long as you can reasonably afford it) under this mindset.

EXACTLY!!! I'd be so much happier with a kid choosing lifelong pursuits than, say, shelling out $1600/season for ICE HOCKEY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean these activities don't lead anywhere?

Nothing my child does for fun is "leading anywhere."

He won't play professional squash.

He won't play D1 soccer.

He definitely won't make it to Carnegie Hall.

When he's 40, he'll still be able to play in a pick up game in two of these things, and amuse himself making music.

All that said, a lesson without games isn't really playing tennis. I don't know how your tennis club works, but where my kid plays squash there are clinics one day a week so that the kids have a chance to play each other. My kid refuses to do tournaments, but he's happy to play against kids in the club.

slightly o/t but would he really still do them if you're the one "suggesting" these activities and he never asked for doing any of them? i'm asking because my son's doing the same activities but i think mostly because we signed him up, and if it're up to him he'd rather play video games or read all day. i wonder sometimes if he's doing those for us or himself, and if it's the latter he's not likely to continue into his 40s... heck might not even into HS. (btw i'm PP with the 12.5-yo no-passion son ).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean these activities don't lead anywhere?

Nothing my child does for fun is "leading anywhere."

He won't play professional squash.

He won't play D1 soccer.

He definitely won't make it to Carnegie Hall.

When he's 40, he'll still be able to play in a pick up game in two of these things, and amuse himself making music.

All that said, a lesson without games isn't really playing tennis. I don't know how your tennis club works, but where my kid plays squash there are clinics one day a week so that the kids have a chance to play each other. My kid refuses to do tournaments, but he's happy to play against kids in the club.

slightly o/t but would he really still do them if you're the one "suggesting" these activities and he never asked for doing any of them? i'm asking because my son's doing the same activities but i think mostly because we signed him up, and if it're up to him he'd rather play video games or read all day. i wonder sometimes if he's doing those for us or himself, and if it's the latter he's not likely to continue into his 40s... heck might not even into HS. (btw i'm PP with the 12.5-yo no-passion son ).

My kid is nearly 17. Not piano. As for the sports - completely self-driven. Sure, on any given day when he is still in his pjs he'd rather just stay in his pjs, but he is totally on board with these things. I have no idea what he will be like at 40, but I can tell you that I'm 50 and barely know the rules to most games. I would love for group exercise options to be available to me and I really couldn't care which sport.

My kid also does one school activity and one intellectual activity. Neither is a heavy lift. He picked them, but they are not optional now that they are chosen. Lots of kids don't have passion. Some might have passion if they were less shy or less insecure, though. Passion means putting yourself out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tennis and horse riding are both lifelong sports/activities. Maybe view it as an investment in his long-term interests. In other words, you are paying money now to help him to develop skills/cultivate a passion that will benefit him as an adult. I would keep paying (so long as you can reasonably afford it) under this mindset.

EXACTLY!!! I'd be so much happier with a kid choosing lifelong pursuits than, say, shelling out $1600/season for ICE HOCKEY.

Ice hockey is a lifelong pursuit (or at least for a good long while). There are plenty of opportunities for people well into early middle age.