decent women my own age to date don't exist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Awesome and good looking woman in her 40s here. I love my dog and my wine and wouldn't be interested in someone so inflexible that he didn't approve of either!

Single and miserable

[Anonymous]

19:32- the two things need to be separate. Whether you stay in your marriage should not depend on whether you think you can find someone else. If you are unhappy, leave. Somewhat happy - work it out. It would be kind of sad to stay only because you are afraid of being alone.

Dating at 41 is hard for most people I know. People do often find love but you have to kiss a lot of frogs first. At this age you are generally trading the spouse you rejected for the one someone else rejected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are consistently meeting "grumpy" women for years, it's probaby not them it's you and your selection crieteria. If you have unrealistic expectations or outrageous standards or you dont have the same expectations for yourself that you seek in your ideal woman, then you'll contine to meet the wrong one. Time for some honest self-evaluation.

I don't know. I have a bunch of single, never-married friends from 35-50, and a lot of them *are* negative. I don't know if they're negative because they've single so long, or they're single because they're negative.

[Anonymous]

Actually, we do exist. Female, divorcee, 48 with kid at home -- I set up an OKC profile to see what was out there and was bombarded by men who ranged from mid-60s to 22. Few had heeded my advice on what attributes I was looking for (they were WILDLY incompatible in age, political party, location, religion, interests, etc.) and some became rude when I declined to chat. I was called a troll, accused of being ugly in the face (am not but decided to start with just a head to toes pic that garnered compliments from many), accused of being a plant to drum up business and accused of being racist. Some suggested doing things to me that I might have enjoyed hearing from a longterm partner but that sound gross as a pickup line. Finally went dormant after 3 days and much chickening out as I am still in a complicated situation. So, we are there but have to wade through the muck to connect.

[Anonymous]

Well what do you expect OP? These are women who aren't really living the life they wanted for the most part. Most of them didn't intend to get married and then be a divorced single mom with kids trying to squeeze in time to date men who view them as damaged goods. They can't compete with 20 year olds but they might not be that bad if you stop making that false comparison. Your trade off is that you too aren't the huge prize. If you're divorced with kids, that's baggage. Other women see it. Maybe not the 20 year olds who don't know any better but the real ones. I would be grumpy too if I had to raise my kids by myself and then use the time I wasn't with them to try to find a decent guy to date amid a dwindling pile of acceptable applicants.

[Anonymous]

They definitely exist. I have a friend/colleague who is in her 40s and divorced. She has no trouble dating because she's smart, attractive, active, successful, etc. However, she's not interested in getting re-married at this point, while many of the men she dates are. Perhaps that's the problem?? Women in their 40s have been there, done that. They might be interested in dating, but once you have kids, why remarry? Who needs that?

[Anonymous]

It's just a numbers game. Most people in their 40s are married. Few people in their 20s are married. All else being equal, people in their 20s are more physically attractive than people in their 40s (of course there are exceptions).

Date whomever, no one cares.

Plenty of women could also write in and complain about the lack of eligible men at age 40+.

[Anonymous]

Yes they do. But you obviously want something else and that's your business. But don't act like in the whole world there aren't decent dateable women in their 40s.

[Anonymous]

It's because OP is a man-baby and the women in their 40s are smart enough to see that, which he interprets as "negative." Think a mild form of Donald Trump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just a numbers game. Most people in their 40s are married. Few people in their 20s are married. All else being equal, people in their 20s are more physically attractive than people in their 40s (of course there are exceptions).

+1 absolutely. the pool of single 20 year olds is much larger just through sheer statistics.

but OP you are right to be worried about the age difference. and frankly, other than obviously being flattered by a 20 year old's interest in you, and her being a cute young thing, it doesn't sound like you're that into her.

i have seen that age difference work, but not under the circumstances you described. your young, vivacious 20 year old will turn into a 40 year old and become more 'jaded' and mature. she will also eventually see you as flawed and crotchety, and you will disappoint her (this is true in every relationship!)

it sounds like your ego can't really handle that, and you are more enamored with her age and idealization of you than the person herself. its doubtful this alone will survive the hardships of marriage. in that case just keep dating 20 year olds, if all you really want is the ego stroking and go pro camming adventures!

if instead you really want a life partner, be realistic about what you are willing to sacrifice and bring to the table: financial support? willing to share your partner with kids? what kinds of extra responsibilities are you willing to take on to help support a partner? would you help care for an aging in-law? sell your boat to pay for your step kids college? obviously, relationships are hard work, thinking you can end run around that by snagging a cheerful 20 year old is not the case.

i would also make sure you've done the work to figure out what went wrong in your first marriage and what you could have done differently to help sustain it, so you are not doomed to repeat those mistakes.

good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, just out of curiosity... are you the type who is very knowledgeable about many different subject areas, has had lots of neat experience, and is kind of a know-it-all?

I dated a guy like this in my 20's, and at the time I was pretty impressed with him because he seemed so smart. I looked up to him and gave him all the attention he wanted (which was a lot). If I were to meet a guy like that now, though, I would run.

So, it is possible that women in their 40's can see the negatives of these traits of yours instead of simply being impressed with your vast knowledge?

This is not meant as a slam at all, but just curious because I have seen this dynamic a lot. Eventually, the 20-something realizes that the guy is a know-it-all who loves listening to himself talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It feels like there is a dearth of viable long term female 40 something-ish women who can potentially make good long-term partner/wife.

Has anyone else out there experienced the same issue?

There is one girl that is in her 20s and she has been hinting that she would like to be exclusive (hinting shes interested in marriage, etc.) and I'm thinking that maybe I should forget what other people would think and just go for it.

Um, I was divorced from my late 30s (15yr marriage) until my mid-40s, and I disagree completely. I found tons of women in their early-late 40s who were fantastic, though mostly divorced (the never- married were...not really interested in or comfortable with long-term emotional intimacy).

I wanted kids, so I wound up married to a woman in her mid-30s, but if kids hadn't been on the table, there were tons of mid-40s+ women who would have made fantastic life partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Awesome and good looking woman in her 40s here. I love my dog and my wine and wouldn't be interested in someone so inflexible that he didn't approve of either!

You forgot to mention the peanut butter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it creepy that when you talk about women in their 40's, you appropriate refer to them as "women" yet when you start talking about the 20-something, you refer to her as a "girl".

+1

Because someone who could be your daughter is a girl to you. Not against age difference per se, but 20/40 is just not wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just out of curiosity... are you the type who is very knowledgeable about many different subject areas, has had lots of neat experience, and is kind of a know-it-all?

I dated a guy like this in my 20's, and at the time I was pretty impressed with him because he seemed so smart. I looked up to him and gave him all the attention he wanted (which was a lot). If I were to meet a guy like that now, though, I would run.

So, it is possible that women in their 40's can see the negatives of these traits of yours instead of simply being impressed with your vast knowledge?

This is not meant as a slam at all, but just curious because I have seen this dynamic a lot. Eventually, the 20-something realizes that the guy is a know-it-all who loves listening to himself talk.

In other words, for men with big egos, younger women are more easily impressed and can feed into that ego while having someone to look up to until they gain more life experience of their own.