Two weeks to go and DS is shooting himself in the foot!!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't let him fail. I would tell him he's not leaving the house until it's done. And hand over your phone while we're at it. His behavior affects you and your money, too. So he better get it done or suffer the consequences. By the way maybe it's time for a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let him fail. I would tell him he's not leaving the house until it's done. And hand over your phone while we're at it. His behavior affects you and your money, too. So he better get it done or suffer the consequences. By the way maybe it's time for a job.

+1. You got him this far, don't let him throw away his entire future. Two weeks of fighting and struggles and "misery" (because teens love to make everything dramatic) and this will all be over with the necessary tasks to secure his future accomplished. A young person's education represents the family's significant investment in them, and there is no way my kids would be allowed to just waste that by being petulant or procrastinating at the last minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let him fail. I would tell him he's not leaving the house until it's done. And hand over your phone while we're at it. His behavior affects you and your money, too. So he better get it done or suffer the consequences. By the way maybe it's time for a job.

Totally agree! Don't get 2 weeks out from the end, all he's worked for the past 4+ years to let it all go. He will likely be a different, more mature person in 10 months when it all matters - actually going off to college and the start of his future. He could be ready and get excited for college between now and then Looking back you won't be able to forgive yourself for giving up,on him now.

[Anonymous]

We can't afford college for him if he doesn't get merit aid

This is a parenting fail
Knowing how he can finance his own education (even if it's with loans he owes) without assuming merit aid, should have been your job #1

[Anonymous]

No it is not. It is actually parenting.
I am not going to pay for my 3 kids education.
I do not care what other people say.
I am not obligated by law to do it.
We cannot afford it and will not do it. Kids still will not get financial aid.
So they will have to work and study as I did.
Work, save money, go to community college. Then transfer to good college.
Also can wait until 25 and get financial aid.

Another option is Merit Scholarship in the middle of nowhere.

Third option. If grades are really good:
Go for work-study program. Parents pay for one semester. Child goes for work-study, pays for next etc.

In any case, even if we decide to pay some amount I would get legal agreement that child is obligated to pay parents back every penny in 10 years (without interest) and show grades every semester.

That is parenting, and taking care of yourself and your kids.

I do not want anybody to waste my hard earned money,and kids need to know that bread does not grow on trees.

[Anonymous]

Op what you are describing is my son last October. He pushed the button on the Common App during Thanksgiving dinner last year. He still got lots of merit aid. Obviously, I don't know what your son's deadlines are.

My son put it off because of fear -- fear of everything. Getting into a college, trying to figure what might be the right college, going to college, living away from home, fear of the unknown at its most basic level.

He is at his first choice school and loving it. It is kind of a leap of faith. And when your son chooses a school, he needs to remember that nothing is irrevocable. He can transfer to somewhere else.

And maybe he isn't ready to go away for college. I've seen structured gap years turn out really well for kids and it can give them insight about what they might want to study. I do say "structured" because given the opportunity my son might have spent the day sleeping and texting his friends at night if he had taken a gap year.

Good Luck, OP. I think more parents are in your situation than you realize.

[Anonymous]

PaleoConPrep wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, don't drop the rope! This is a very scary time for some teenagers, therefore the resistance. They need all of your love, support and assistance, maybe now more than ever. Keep doing what you are doing op, and at the very least get 1 to 2 applications in on November 1. Then the ball will be in motion and your DC will hopefully be more able to get the balance of the applications in for regular decision. My DC got it all together by the regular decision deadline, and not a moment sooner.

Jusrnwant t echo this. We've already had two suicides in our senior class and school has barely started. It's hard to parent kids this age. Good luck and as ,p,p says, cC is a gooodmoption for kids who aren't ready.

TWO SUICIDES? My goodness, this kinda thing just blows my mind. Im currently a high school senior, and there's certainly some stress involved in college applications. All you've got to do is look at my most recent threads. College applications take up a good amount of time, and there's always a fear that you might not get in anywhere. I'm certainly no fan of the way modern American higher education works. All that being said, I could never even imagine why a 17/18 year old who's got their whole life ahead of them would commit suicide due to this whole process. I'm not in the best situation because I was somewhat lazy for most of high school, but I can't wait for what the future will bring. I'm a realist about my situation, but you've got to look at the bright side of things to be happy as a high school senior. If you fear you might not get in anywhere, find some safety schools.( I've got 3 of them) Seeing some of the comments on this forum though, I'd imagine that some parents put an unreasonable amount of pressure on their kids. It seems like some people on here think that if you don't get into an Ivy, a NESCAC, or some top public university, you're a failure. I'm glad I don't live in that sort of sink or swim environment. It's not the end of the world if you don't get into Harvard, UVA, or Williams. I wouldn't go to an Ivy if they paid me to attend.

When someone kills himself, he pretty much is not looking at having their whole life in front of him. He is deep, deep pain and probably believes the world would be better off without him. This is called depression, mental illness.

You know nothing about mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Not knowing how the kid will pay for college IS a parenting fail.

Not saying it has to be YOU that pays.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I think college applications are absolutely overwhelming. This doesn't compare to homework at all. It's a completely foreign process with undue pressure riding on the result. Who wouldn't put it off until desperation overrides the fear? Touring colleges is a waste if you think he will actually stand out for asking decent questions. Just let him look at the buildings and the dining hall and leave him be about studying up on the school's pitch. They don't award merit because you toured. I practically carried my kid over the finish line. It was well worth it. She happy and doing great. She is also doing incredible things. After two jobs, research, and an internship, she could possibly fill out that application without panicking, but not as a senior in HS. There was just no way. Fill out the application with him next to you. And stop judging him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No it is not. It is actually parenting.
I am not going to pay for my 3 kids education.
I do not care what other people say.
I am not obligated by law to do it.
We cannot afford it and will not do it. Kids still will not get financial aid.
So they will have to work and study as I did.
Work, save money, go to community college. Then transfer to good college.
Also can wait until 25 and get financial aid.

Another option is Merit Scholarship in the middle of nowhere.

Third option. If grades are really good:
Go for work-study program. Parents pay for one semester. Child goes for work-study, pays for next etc.

In any case, even if we decide to pay some amount I would get legal agreement that child is obligated to pay parents back every penny in 10 years (without interest) and show grades every semester.

That is parenting, and taking care of yourself and your kids.

I do not want anybody to waste my hard earned money,and kids need to know that bread does not grow on trees.

Wow. You don't understand inter-generational wealth. With the way this country is going, I hope you have your funeral and retirement expenses in order cause you know, your kids won't waste their hard earned money on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op what you are describing is my son last October. He pushed the button on the Common App during Thanksgiving dinner last year. He still got lots of merit aid. Obviously, I don't know what your son's deadlines are.

My son put it off because of fear -- fear of everything. Getting into a college, trying to figure what might be the right college, going to college, living away from home, fear of the unknown at its most basic level.

He is at his first choice school and loving it. It is kind of a leap of faith. And when your son chooses a school, he needs to remember that nothing is irrevocable. He can transfer to somewhere else.

And maybe he isn't ready to go away for college. I've seen structured gap years turn out really well for kids and it can give them insight about what they might want to study. I do say "structured" because given the opportunity my son might have spent the day sleeping and texting his friends at night if he had taken a gap year.

Good Luck, OP. I think more parents are in your situation than you realize.

+10000

Congratulations to your son. Bet you'll have a much more relaxed Thanksgiving this year!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I think college applications are absolutely overwhelming. This doesn't compare to homework at all. It's a completely foreign process with undue pressure riding on the result. Who wouldn't put it off until desperation overrides the fear? Touring colleges is a waste if you think he will actually stand out for asking decent questions. Just let him look at the buildings and the dining hall and leave him be about studying up on the school's pitch. They don't award merit because you toured. I practically carried my kid over the finish line. It was well worth it. She happy and doing great. She is also doing incredible things. After two jobs, research, and an internship, she could possibly fill out that application without panicking, but not as a senior in HS. There was just no way. Fill out the application with him next to you. And stop judging him.

OP here. Thank you for saying this! This is exactly how I feel. Only I'm carrying a cursing, snarling, nasty SOB over the finish line who is fighting me every step of the way!! And he's heavy!! I have the wounds (psychic ones) to prove it! I got DH to sit down with him last night and go over his applications. I cancelled an interview I was going to take him to -- I'm not subjecting myself to more abuse from him on the drive, and have him act indifferent when we get there! The colleges do say interviews are important, but why bother if he's not going to show his best face (and he has one, but he doesn't show it to me).

OTOH, I hear what you are saying about maturity and fear. I do think that DS is afraid of going to college, but when I ask him, he says he "can't wait" to go to college to get away from home! I point out that if he's in such a hurry, how come he hasn't done everything possible to expedite that process? Mumble, mumble... and he wanders off.

This feels like a lose-lose situation. I pay now with DS's obnoxious, ungrateful behavior as I push him through the application process. OR, I pay next fall when he's miserable in either CC or at a college that's not right for him. Right now, I'm thinking I'll coach DH from the side (DH is clueless about this process), and step in if I absolutely have to as Nov. 1 nears. Gaaaaaaaahhh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not knowing how the kid will pay for college IS a parenting fail.

Not saying it has to be YOU that pays.

I think every family approaches this differently. Most parents set up college funds for their kids expecting to pay all or part of college expenses. I think it's part of the parenting role, but not everyone agrees.

The big surprise for me is how inflated college costs have become during the last 20 years. The money we saved will not cover anything close to the cost of private colleges. In-state colleges are more affordable, but they are huge, and that's not what my child wants. Finding an affordable SLAC is difficult, even with a high-achieving kid.

That's why, for us, merit aid is essential. We don't qualify for much, if any, FA at most private colleges. So all the TT schools that don't offer merit aid are out for our kids. We're looking at lower-ranked colleges that accept at least half their applicants, but are good, small colleges. Most of these do offer merit aid.

(A few private colleges -- GW, Hamilton, U of Chicago, and others -- offer full-ride merit scholarships to a handful of kids with incredible records academic and otherwise. I know a kid who got one of these. She was at the top of her class, did some amazing things outside of school, could have gotten into any college in the US, Stanford included. My kids do well in school, but they are not super-high achievers, so those scholarships are not within their reach.)

We've told our kids we will not allow them to take out loans, and that we'll pay the equivalent of in-state tuition for four years. We expect them to get scholarships and merit aid if they want to go to private colleges, or go to CC if they don't have the grades to get scholarships and merit aid and private schools.

My kids never expected to work their way through college, as a PP suggested her kids will. But if that's your family's choice, that's fine for you, and it's a good plan if your kids agree to it.

[Anonymous]

The dynamic may be better with your DH being a go between. I know I tend to translate my internal angst into an outward verbal display and the kid just shuts down immediately. I thought I was urging action and providing support but my DD thought I was pressuring her. It could be your son is excited about the ideal of going off to college, yet is getting tripped up in the reality of going. Do whatever it takes to get him there, but hand holding is definitely part of the process. While I know finances are part of the conversation, you may want to downplay that aspect for now. He knows it's about money, do the work on the applications and hopefully the money will come. Parents tend to know the full implication of financial strain but kids can see it as a mysterious threat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let him fail. I would tell him he's not leaving the house until it's done. And hand over your phone while we're at it. His behavior affects you and your money, too. So he better get it done or suffer the consequences. By the way maybe it's time for a job.

+1. You got him this far, don't let him throw away his entire future. Two weeks of fighting and struggles and "misery" (because teens love to make everything dramatic) and this will all be over with the necessary tasks to secure his future accomplished. A young person's education represents the family's significant investment in them, and there is no way my kids would be allowed to just waste that by being petulant or procrastinating at the last minute.

This is the problem! Parents seem to think what college their kid gets into will determine their ENTIRE FUTURE! Guess what? Once you've entered the workforce and been there a couple years, no what cares where you went to college. If you go to grad school, even more so. Consider letting your son take a gap year to figure out what he really wants. It will make him stand out as a little different (what good schools are looking for) and give him something to actually write that essay about.